This Man Is NOT Funny!!!!!

Sometimes I really do wonder how the Hell certain people became ‘celebrities’, or why certain ‘celebrities’ are even famous.

Here is one who’s -ing everywhere in every bastard film and apparently he’s the new God of the Comedy genre:

Owen Wilson.

“Oh, he’s soooooo funny!!!!!”

WHEN?

Just fucking WHEN has he EVER been funny?

What the fuck is wrong with everyone to think this Cunt-Wig is in the slightest bit funny, so should be in every ‘comedy’ film?????

Am I missing something?

Is it just because he’s ‘good looking’?

He looks like a gay hair model to me.  Anyway, nobody thought he was all that when he was the bad guy in Karate Kid!

Err, that is him, isn’t it?  Anyway…

He wasn’t funny in the slightest in Starsky and Hutch, but I let it pass and gave him a chance.

Then I tried to watch what looked like it could be a really funny film: You, Me & Dupree.

Holy Rat-Nippled Christ!

By half way in I had to stop the film because it was sapping my will to live – and it’s THAT unfunny fucker I’m holding responsible!  I tried my best to watch it… and after 1hr 13 mins I was actually feeling depressed at how shit it was, and I swear to God I cannot make it to the end of the film!  I think this may be the first film ever.

ARGHHHHH!!!!

I’m sure I can’t be the only one in the world who thinks this, but it sure does feel like it.

I hate the bastard almost as much as ‘That Cunt’ Jack Black.

The Rant Before Christmas

We’re nearly there!  Little Johnny is almost being sick with excitement, the dog/cat is already saving up his innards ready to crap in your Aunts shoes during the Christmas meal, and general madness has taken the nation!

I still blame the Christmas music, of course.  I have songs that I absolutely fucking LOVE that I haven’t heard as many times as some of those bastard songs.

I’m actually sat writing this at work and sniggering because the CD player is skipping like Dale Winton on amphetamines.  It’s just a matter of time until someone turns it off… or I put my earplug back in and put my own Christmas music back on.

What’s that?

At The Gates.  Specifically, it’s the album ‘Slaughter Of The Soul’.  Now THAT sounds Christmassy to me!  Either that or ‘The Principles Of Evil Made Flesh’ by Cradle Of Filth’.  Or the first two albums by Ultraviolence (‘Life Of Destructor’ and ‘Psychodrama’).

I suspect this is because I got these albums for Christmas, but also because they DO sound like Winter.  Cold.  Precise.  Brutal.

And GENUINE.  Unlike the shit we get force-fed as ‘festive’ – the same songs that are almost as if they’re trying to convince themselves that we’re “simply having a wonderful Christmas time”, and all that Jive Bunny shit.

It is depressing to me.

I’ve heard people talk about going to the supermarket at 7am today to find it filled with people doing their shopping ready for the big day.

That’s ‘day’.  Singular.  As in, the shops are closed for TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!!!

Correct me if I’m wrong, but for the rest of the year most people cope with only shopping once a week?!  So why, all of a sudden, does everyone go all Frothy-Mouthed Gaa-Gaa because we can’t go shopping on just that one day??

If the shops were open on Christmas Day – would anyone actually GO there?  Chill the fuck out, have another glass of sherry, and get some turkey down you FFS!

I hope you all have a great time, and I hope weird shit happens to me so I can blog about it all.

Chances are it will be a tale of being forced to watch childrens TV and Emo Eastenders – but I’ll be clinging onto that sherry haze for dear life!

Merry -ing Christmas!

Filthy Quick-Fingered Flashing Barskets!!!!

So I’m riding along happily (probably too fast but that’s mere opinion), and dodging the masses of Numb-nuts who seem to have found a driving license lying around and adopted it as their own, and I decide to overtake someone.

I aim to ride on the roads without EVER causing anyone else to brake or swerve to avoid me, but, of course, we all make mistakes.

I open the throttle and just as I’m pulling alongside the car in front, another car appears going the opposite way.

“Oh gosh” thinks I, realising he’s coming a bit too fast for me to be able to complete my overtaking manuevre without having a head-on crash.

I have three choices:

1. Hit the car head on.
2. Pin the throttle and try and cut in front of the car I was overtaking, or
3. Slam on the anchors in a straight line then pull back in behind the car again.

I opt for number 3.

So the rear of the bike starts lifting as I’m desperately scrubbing speed off, and I’m using every ounce of concentration on using my brakes to maximum effect, and planning an ‘escape route’ to get out of trouble.

And then what happens?

The fucktard coming towards me starts flashing his headlights at me!

Gee, thanks!  No fucking pressure or anything.  I already KNOW I’m holding my life in my hands, and now I’m fucking half blind to go along with it!!!

And how the Hell do these people, when they should be concerned about an imminent collision, manage to find the headlight flashing switch???

Is this what human reactions have evolved to????

I know if I’m preparing for avoiding action, the last fucking thing I’m thinking is “I’d better flash my lights and sound my horn!”

Grrr……

POEM: “Advent Calendar” by Jamz

Something a bit Christmassy seeing that all you Nobbers have been banging on about it since Halloween:

“Advent Calendar” by Jamz

I count down the days

To a Christmas alone,

When I thought I’d be with you.

How many windows did you open

And take a piece of my soul?

Do you even see the days anymore,

Or is each one a painful eternity

That you give sweetly to me?

Will you ever awaken

And see my ghost in your cold breath?

Or do you no longer sigh my name

In your selfish sleep?

Did you feel my Winter

When you reached out for me?

Then drew back your hand

And recoiled

Because I used to be your summer?

Merry Christmas.

28.11.03

Talking Dirty

A double-whammy of old chat whispers tonight, because who doesn’t like a bit of dirty talk on a Saturday night?

MrFiction : Hi

MrFiction : *coughs to get attention*

Mez2567 : lol hi

MrFiction : wanna teach me to talk dirty?

Mez2567 : i wudnt no where to start

MrFiction : nor me

Mez2567 : we must be the only 1’s

Mez2567 : lol]

MrFiction : awww

MrFiction : i heard women like it

MrFiction : i’m at a disadvantage

Mez2567 : lol may be in person hun buti know it dont do anything for me on ere

Mez2567 : so u fine there]

MrFiction : well, you start and i’ll see if it does anything to me

Mez2567 : i dont do that told u

Mez2567 : lol

MrFiction : nor do i

MrFiction : so come on – lets give it a go

Mez2567 : may be another time

MrFiction : no – look…..

MrFiction : the bin men have just been – there’s all rubbish over the top of the path….

Mez2567 : lolo

MrFiction : that’s pretty dirty, huh?

Mez2567 : lol u r mad

MrFiction : yeah – tell me how mad i am, baby

Mez2567 : asl

MrFiction : i can see an egg carton from here…. it’s got some tomatoe sauce on it, i think

MrFiction : mmmmm

MrFiction : oh yeah

Mez2567 : lol

MrFiction : forget asl – i need you to be filthy

MrFiction : hurry

Mez2567 : im going off now sorry

MrFiction : tell me what’s in your bin?

Mez2567 : bad luck

MrFiction : come on – i’m nearly there!!!!

Mez2567 : cya nxt time

Mez2567 : lol

MrFiction : noooooo

MrFiction : just describe an old can for me

MrFiction : with a crisp packet in

MrFiction : tell me how dusty your shelves are

Mez2567 : use ur imagineation

Mez2567 : ther not i just done em

MrFiction : describe the pet hair on your jumper….

Mez2567 : really gotta go now,take care

MrFiction : oooh yeahbaby – you just did it???

MrFiction : show me the rag!!!

MrFiction : WAIT!!!

Mez2567 : y

MrFiction : *SPURT*

MrFiction : *SPURT*

MrFiction : ok – you can go now

Mez2567 : u made me laugh so much in the last 10mins

Mez2567 : so hope we chat again

Mez2567 : xx

Mez2567 has left the conversation.

 

Pimpdaddy

This was another uninvited’whisper’ (like a private message thingy) I had back in the Grapevine 20s MSN chatroom – it must be getting on for 10 years ago now!  NastyLittleCuntpoke was one of the names I used when my MrFiction name was banned for assorted skulduggery.

Pimpdaddy5935 : hey babe

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : hey hun

Pimpdaddy5935 : how are you

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : fine darling

Pimpdaddy5935 : asl

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : no – i’m not into that

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : are you?

Pimpdaddy5935 : y

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : fronts?

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : buy boxers – much sexier

Pimpdaddy5935 : where u live?

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : wan my address?

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : *want

Pimpdaddy5935 : just wanna know whe4e u live

Pimpdaddy5935 : wat city

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : sure, yeah – you can come right over and fk my sister too

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : where do YOU live, hmm>>

Pimpdaddy5935 : canada

Pimpdaddy5935 : u

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : that figures

Pimpdaddy5935 : u have a cam/

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i have a double overhead cam and 16 valves

Pimpdaddy5935 : add my email

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : add it yourself you willy-woofter

Pimpdaddy5935 : dirt_biking_pro@hotmail.com

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i said no thanks – you look like a palsied orangutan in your pic

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : i have higher standards

Pimpdaddy5935 : i dont have a pic

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : good job you ‘orrible flakey-skinned ape

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : you make me feel ill

Pimpdaddy5935 : your ugly shut up

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : *you’re

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : and you can’t tig your own butcher

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : so you lose

Pimpdaddy5935 : your funny

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : so are you

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : in the head

Pimpdaddy5935 : funny looking

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : now piss off, Chompy

Pimpdaddy5935 : whore

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : frigid little raccon-faced toerag

Pimpdaddy5935 : your prob still a virgin

Pimpdaddy5935 : lmao

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : last time you put out was, err…. last night when you put your cat out…

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : or something wittier

Pimpdaddy5935 : go use that finger some more

Pimpdaddy5935 : retard

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : finger?

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : are you mental?

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : is there an adult there i can talk to???

Pimpdaddy5935 : no but you are

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : *rapps on your skull*

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : MC FLYYYYYYY!111111

Pimpdaddy5935 : mc whore

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : well duhhhh

ÑåstÿLïttlëC¨ntpøkë : joeyyyyy

Pimpdaddy5935 has left the conversation.

Holiday Rage

Right, first off, even that title pisses me off. It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the holiday season’ or ‘festive period’ or whatever you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!

Stop. It.

This year, I’ve managed to do almost all my CHRISTMAS shopping online. I’m sure most others will be able to say the same.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???

It’s Hell out there! All the Christmas Numpties have caught on to those self-scan thingies at supermarkets, too. Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area. Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!

And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July? I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!

Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt. Hard.

And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas. And let me just tell you something:

THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!

You’re not going to starve to death! Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!

And is it just me, or is every cripple or anyone on wheels in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year? Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd seems to be blocking everyones way. And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!

And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same 40 songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…

Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.

Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – at Christmas mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!

You bastards!

If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.

Put Your Foot Down Or Stay In The Loser Lane!

WTF is it lately with people driving too slowly?

I don’t mean ‘too slowly compared to me’ – but people who seem to have decided that our speed limits (which were set for retards driving 1962 spec vehicles that exploded when you hit 42mph) are too fast, and so are going to drive at their own pace.

I’m all in favour of driving to the road conditions, rather than using your speedometer as a barometer of safety, but this does not mean going dangerously slower than everyone else on a clear road in good conditions.

Let’s face it, most dual carriageways and all motorways can safely be driven at the legal limit of 70mph.  Hell, if drivers actually pay attention to driving, they should be fine and safe at 100mph in modern vehicles.

But nooooooooo!

What we get is Nervous Old Biddy/Young Female With Face Pressed Against Windscreen/Doddering Middle-Aged Man doing the speed that they consider ‘safe’, whilst ignoring those behind swerving around them in clouds of tyre and brake smoke as they almost twat them doing a LEGAL 30mph more!

Is it the Zombie-like state of fuel conservation we’ve had rammed down our throats for the last few years?  I mean, we wouldn’t want people to actually press the fucking loud pedal, would we?

And then when you get 60mph Dickhead coming up behind 50mph Dickhead what happens then?

60mph Dickhead pulls out to overtake, ignorning everyone already doing a decent speed in that lane, and takes 45 fucking minutes to complete the overtake!

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN OR GET BACK IN THE LOSER LANE!!!

I’d go so far as to say you should never be allowed to enter the fast lane if you’re doing less than 70mph.  You’re a loser.  Stay the fuck out of the way of people who want to get places.  If you REALLY needed to get anywhere as fast as us you wouldn’t be doing 10mph under the speed limit in the first place!

I fully appreciate you’re trying to save the planet in your shitty little box shaped Korean wank wagon, but there’s a time to put your foot down, and that directly correlates to the time when you pansies should fuck off out the way!

What’s even worse is that you just KNOW these Cock-Knuckles are those same airheaded cunts who do 50mph through a national speed limit area, holding everyone up, stay at 50mph through the next 40mph zone, then still hold your speed when it goes back to the national limit.

If you’re too scared to drive – WALK.

Then I can fucking run you over.

Spiders In The Workplace???

How come you never see spiders in your workplace?

I mean, when you’re at home, it’s a pretty regular occurance to see a big old spiddy making a break for it across the living room carpet, or sat there on the wall trying to intimidate you.

The big buggers, I mean – not the little runts.

In all my time of working, I think I’ve witnessed one big spiddy at work.

You might say that it’s because of the work cleaners, but come on!  I’m pretty sure they’re crap compared to The Wife or Mother that every home should have!  Plus there are a lot more places at work that will never be touched.  So I’m not accepting that it’s the cleaners, because even then some of the critters are bound to have a little gallop around the place at some point.

So why at home and never at work???

Are all spiders dole-dossing, layabout, work-avoiding, adolescent scum???

The bastards.