Court! Can I Get A Witness?
APPARENTLY it’s illegal to swing someone around by their eyelids just because they piss you off?!
Not that that’s why I was in Crown Court today. No – despite my assorted skallywag behaviour over the years (on both sides of the legal fence), I was not in any danger of hearing those immortal words “Take him below!”. Unless I’d have worn the tie I was planning on, anyway…
I had an Official Summons (“You’re nicked if you don’t”) to give a witness statement for the Prosecution.
Apparently this is a terrible thing to happen to you? Most of my Cow-Orkers gave me their deepest sympathies, whilst I was a little bit excited to get to experience something new. Not court. I mean, the whole ‘taking the stand’ thing was all very good and stuff, but I was more looking forward to getting a hire car for the drive down… even if it was in London.
I hate London. I’ve said before how when I was a biker courier I got the same sick dread if I was to be sent to London as I used to get at high school when I’d got double Maths and hadn’t done my homework…
The thought of someone FINALLY letting me loose in their car (despite me being used to 190mph and 1000hp per tonne on a bike, and having done more advanced driving training than almost everyone else I know) gave me a happy. As it turned out, my request for a BMW wasn’t approved, but I did get a brand new Renault Clio Diesel BlahBlah Estate.
A great car for me, really – very easy to drive with loads of low-down grunt but not enough power to get me into much Trouble. When I floored it it seemed like it was about to do something SPECTACULAR….. and then just sort-of went ‘Meh…’ and sat back down again without hitching it’s skirts up and proper legging it.
Loads of space and quite comfortable, but maybe a little too big for what I really need. And out of my budget anyway… If I had the money I’d consider one, though!
Anyway, I guess you want the juicy stuff, not a review of a mediocre estate car, right? Right!
I arrived and got through security then went to meet my contact who is a Police Officer in the case. He made me sign the Witness Statement and then I went to wait in a special room for Prosecution Witnesses, which was attended by two lovely ladies who made me a cup of tea and explained what would happen and stuff. I chatted a bit to the other witnesses, but we weren’t able to talk much about the case because, well, you’re not allowed to.
As this was all last minute stuff to me, all I know is that I’d confirmed that a person was not a solicitor, and that’s pretty much all I knew, and all I would have to say on the stand. Someone’s been Naughty somewhere, and the Crown Prosecution Service were going to nail them. I don’t really know how naughty, or if I was in danger of getting whacked before getting to the stand? Either way that didn’t really bother me. It’s not like I haven’t faced down the barrel of a gun in the course of my working day before now, so what more is there to fear?
It’s an ADVENTURE!!!
Although that is, admittedly, when you have a highly skilled team there to back you up. I’d think it was pretty unlikely to happen for this trial, though?
Anyway, I waited around for a few hours, people started to get a bit excited as we were due to be called, with the likelihood of us having to attend the next four days or more…
And then I was released!
The Judge had accepted my sworn statement, and I was no longer needed. It was a bit of a let-down, really.
I managed to blag a quick tour of an empty court room – just to see what it would have been like. Judge Judy wasn’t anywhere in sight.
So I headed off to a local Thai Restaurant for a Pad Gar and a Thai Pancake with coconut icecream!
OM NOM NOM NOM!
But, wait!!! A pancake is just flour, egg and milk, right? WTF did they use to make this one GREEN???
Oh, and of course as I went to London, I bought a Heat magazine!