School Fights Part 3: Behind The Bike Sheds

School Fights Part 3: Behind The Bike Sheds

This was probably the biggest fight I ever had with anyone at school.

It was rather different to fighting Chompy The School Bully.

I think this one was a direct result of people knowing that I was fighting in tournaments and stuff, because the only reason he’s given to this day as to why he wanted to fight was: “I dunno, I just wanted a fight.”

Let’s call this one ‘Tompy’.  He was one of those ‘almost a friend’ type people – in the same class, we got on pretty well – but were never best friends or anything, nor had the will to be.  He was a known ruffian and fighter, and I guess considered one of The Hardest in the school.  He certainly was in his High School the year after we fought, anyway!

So I got the message sometime during the school day that “Tompy wants to fight you behind the bike sheds after school!”.

“Umm… why?”  I asked, thinking how I didn’t particularly want to have my brains bashed in.

“Dunno.”

“Err… OK then…”  Well, I could hardly find fault with his reasoning, could I?

People spent the rest of the day helpfully informing me how hard he was, and started to avoid the Dead Man Walking again.

After school I went to the bike sheds and he was there already, with an even bigger crowd than when I fought Chompy the year before.

“Are you ready?”  He asked me, as I put my bag down on the floor.

“Well… yeah…”  I told him, getting ready to get into all the “COME ON THEN!!” stuff again…

*WHACK*

What the fuck was that?

It was him, smacking me with a right hook before I’d even finished speaking!

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Ok then.  We got straight into it – both dancing about, much to the joy of the crowd.  I didn’t really want to be fighting still, but that first punch told me I either had to fight, let him kick the shit out of me, or cry like a baby and call it off and never live it down.

I was a hell of a lot better fighting by this stage, and was getting much nastier, having got into some more brutal styles of martial art.

Unfortunately, I was still shitting myself about fighting him, so I was holding back, and more fighting just to stay even and stop him killing me.  I don’t know why – guess it was just our good buddies Fear and Adrenaline Dump.  Street fighting is a whole new world away from organised competitions, and I was still pretty inexperienced about dealing with my own fear in a ‘real’ fight.

It was an impressive fight – we were using punches and kicks and everything else, and unlike Chompy, Tompy was hitting me hard and I was feeling it.

The fight is still a bit hazy to me, but I remember certain parts of it, either because I’d done something awesome, he’d hurt me, or something surreal was happening.

Now, in competitions, I was a kick specialist, and even to this day I’m an excellent kicker – even though, as back then, I prefer to use hand techniques.  He made the mistake of trying to take me on with kicks early on in the fight.  I remember after fielding a few of these (and this was probably the first time my sixth sense had kicked in during a fight), he tried a kick, but somehow I not only saw it coming, I actually jumped in the air over his leg and kicked down on top of his kick.  He never attempted another kick, and my confidence soared from that point.

A few times, we had to stop fighting because a Teacher was walking past on their way home, and we’d all wander off slowly then leg it back when they’d gone, and it was straight back to the fight.

I managed to grab his hair, intending to pull his head back and drop a hammer fist on his face (my current favourite Nasty Move), but couldn’t quite get his head back so the move failed.

He got me in a head lock, and was smacking me right in my mush with his other hand – fuck knows how he didn’t have my teeth out or break my nose!

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Then he tried to throw me on the floor, and I got a hold and took him down with me, but landed hard on my shoulder.  We both jumped up and carried on the bashings.

Then, I remember clearly that I was stepping back for a bit of a breather, and threw out two super-fast left jabs.  Both connected with his nose, which spread out all over his face and gushed blood.  A few punches that I thought were gentle taps and all that damage from them!

He was still fighting, and seeing the damage to him, I’d gained total confidence in myself.  This was MY fight.  I was in control.  The fear had gone.

I asked him if he wanted to stop, to which he quickly said (just like Chompy had) “He wanted to stop – you all heard that!”

Fine by me – but I really was going to go for it after that!

For some fucked up reason, most people said he’d won that fight, and it wasn’t until a few years later when I spoke to those same people that they admitted I absolutely battered him!  I guess they were his mates, or wanted to stay on his good side as they went to his High School, and I went to mine.

All I know is that I was the one cleaning his blood off me that night, and I’d found out this time that I really could fight – and I was good!  Although that fall totally fucked up my shoulder, so it was probably good that the fight ended there, rather than not long after when I found I couldn’t raise my arm!!!

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You Got Knocked The F**k Out!

You Got Knocked The Fuck Out!

The aim of most fights is to knock your opponent out.  Actually, the aim of most of the Scrotes around these day is to knock you out and then tapdance on your head for 15 minutes, but that’s another story…

People always ask me (well, one person back in 1989 hinted he’d like to know) what is the best way to knock someone out.  What’s the best way?

The simple answer is that it’s actually not that easy.

We see it in films all the time, where someone will belt someone on the jaw and they go straight down, out cold.  In reality, most times they will just look at you, all angry and stuff, and then hit you back, right in the face.  If you’ve ever watched ‘Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels’ then you’ll remember the scene where they’re trying to knock the traffic warden out…  That’s how it usually goes…

Of course there are several ‘knock out points’ on the body – boxers will be well versed in these basic ones that you can whack, and there are also loads of pressure points that require more finesse.  The real joy is that all of these is that anybody can catch them completely by accident.  Or the flip-side is that some people are seemingly immune (especially after alcohol or drugs).

The basic ones are on the temple, the point of the chin (towards the back of the head), the side of the jaw, and between the top lip and the bottom of the nose.

Most people will swing punches at their opponents head to get the knock out, but there are some great ones lower down, too.

Another major one from boxing is the liver.  As you look at your opponent, the place to hit will be just where their elbow falls below their rib cage on the right hand side of their body.  This will send a jolt through their whole body and produce a knockout that’s delayed by a fair few seconds.  If you’ve ever been hit here you’ll know what a pisser it is – and also that you can literally tap someone here and they’ll still go down.

It’s also really easy to use a quick deception such as raising one hand slightly then twatting them to the body where they won’t be expecting it.

There are lots of pressure points even in the legs which can cause a knockout – would I recommend chancing them in a life or death situation?  Hell no.  Stick with the proven stuff.

The humble slap is often very underrated.  Not only does it make your opponent look like a bitch, but I can tell you first hand that you can easily cause a knockout.  In fact, it’s far preferable to punching, as you have less chance of breaking your knuckles or hurtig yourself – and you cause a lot of blunt trauma and shock damage with the added bonus that you can burst their eardrum.  Ok, so you might look like a bit of a sissy who slaps like a girl, but the chances are nobody will call you on it if someone is lay at your feet snoring in a puddle of blood and snot.

The neck is also a great target for knockouts – but be aware you’re quite likely to kill them and spend the rest of your days in jail muttering about only wanting to knock them out and not murder them…

For this reason I’m not going to give you these here.  Please bear in mind that even the cleanest knock out still carries the risk of killing them, if not from the blow then from smacking their noggin on a table or whatever as they fall into their little slumber.  If you don’t want to kill someone – don’t fight them!

If you can’t knock them out, or are just feeling nasty – cause as much damage to them in as many ways as possible – and that’s something we’ll cover in another blog…

It’s The Little Things That Count – Fight To Hurt Them

It’s The Little Things That Count – Fight To Hurt Them

When most people get into a fight, they’re trying to do one thing: smash you in the face with their fist so hard that it knocks your head off.  There’s rarely any more thought or skill involved than that.

This is fine if you’re a huge lummox, but if you’re unfortunate you may find that you’re the David and your opponent is the Goliath.

The chances are your little puny geek self won’t be able to take Goliaths head off with one almighty tomp – so what do you do?

You get sneaky.

Pressure points are all well and good if you have the skill (or luck!), but for most people they won’t work either because your opponent is freakily immune or because adrenalin dump has taken control and you now have all the motor skills as King Kong on ether.

So you need to hurt them or at least damage them enough that they stop pummeling you long enough for you to do your little girly run back to your Mum.

You’ll have heard before in my ‘How To Win Any Fight (without even hitting them!)’ blog about how to get your elbows up, and try to break their hands when they hit you.  If you haven’t read this blog – do it now!

If you want to be a bit more proactive then breaking their bones is always a good move to stop them wanting to hit you.  The nose is an easy target if you stop swinging big looping haymakers and fire off some open-handed hits (or punches, but you shouldn’t be using a closed fist, really – trust me, the info on that is in another blog) straight down the middle towards their face.

Some people will still come at you with their nose spread out like a squished butterfly, but it should slow them down enough to leg it away.

If you have a bit more skill then just as they step towards you, stamp on their shin/lower leg as they finish the step, and you can snap their leg.  Or stamp on their feet and toes – whack anywhere they have small bones and it’s easy to break them.  Punching the back of their hands is also good but requires much better timing.

If they’re getting in close them rake their eyes with your fingernails, or prod a bony digit into their eye socket.  Try and pull the eyeball out and the fight will go right out of them.

Testicles are an easy target, but as I’ve said before, if you give them a good smack most men will realise they’re going down and so try to murder you in the few seconds they have before the pain hits.  This is A Bad Thing.  Also don’t be shy to do the same to women – I have it on good authority that a ‘punt to the cunt’ is rather painful to the fairer sex, too!

And that’s it.  As ever – KEEP IT SIMPLE!  No fancy complicated moves – cause as much damage or pain as it takes to stop them and then get out of there!

Remember that it might take a 300lb hoofer to the head to knock out some people, but around 8lb of pressure in the right place on a small bone (nose, fingers, toes etc) will be enough to disable an attacker just as effectively.

Should Children Do Cage Fighting?

Should Children Do Cage Fighting?

I saw a news report (so expect a rant) this morning where everybody was getting all uppity because two children have been ‘Cage Fighting’.

Here’s the BBC report: Boys’ fight in cage ‘very barbaric’ says Jeremy Hunt

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Right, which Nob Head even labelled this ‘cage fighting’?  Ok, so it’s in a cage, much like adult Mixed Martial Art (MMA) fighters go at it – but if I’m not mistaken that’s simply because they were fighting at the adult event?

On the report, they also said that there was NO striking allowed at all.  Therefore this was NOT MMA – it was just a grappling match.

Does that get you dropping your pitchforks if they called it a ‘Grappling Match’ instead of ‘cage fighting’?

One ‘expert’ even said that he was fine with children doing wrestling, but some of the moves these kids were doing could have caused serious damage if they’d made a mistake.

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What?

Wrestling is fake.  The whole point of wrestling is to perform stupidly over-the-top moves that would most likely kill anybody in real life!  MMA grappling moves technically can’t be performed with a ‘mistake’, because the whole purpose is to be able to adapt a move based on what your opponent does to stop you doing it!  It’s not scripted!

He also said he didn’t mind children doing this sort of thing in a controlled environment.  Could it be any more controlled than a martial art with worldwide support, which had paramedics and doctors at the ringside?  And add to this expert fighters who’ve spent their whole lives studying and are passing their best knowledge on to these children.  FFS do these people even think before they open their mouth?

So these kids weren’t wearing any padding or headguards.  Boo-hoo!  Get over it!  For one, let me just say again THERE WAS NO STRIKING, and secondly how often do kids get hurt playing the non-contact sport of football?

We don’t need your stupid politically correct protection!

These idiots have no idea about martial arts – especially grappling, where you can’t wear padding because if you do you can’t perform the techniques… or your opponent will use your padding to hurt you.

Does it need to be in a barbaric cage?  No.  And I bet they rarely do fight inside an octagonal cage – much like how boxers will rarely fight inside a ring.  These kids had probably trained for years in a dojo on padded mats before this.

This is nothing new.  Take away the labels and cage, and what we have is two children having a Judo match.

It’s just that the knee-jerk idiots will blow this out of all proportion as their latest crusade, and get it banned when its something that kids want, love, and might actually teach them some discipline.  And stop them sitting eating Greggs pasties and playing on a Nintendo DS whilst getting fat, then having a riot…

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School Fights Part 2

School Fights Part 2

A few times, everyone had to very slowly walk away from the school, as a teacher left. As soon as the teacher had rounded a corner, the crowd eagerly rushed back to Ground Zero.

Finally, the Lollipop Lady left, and it was Fight Time.

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Having never done this before, I wasn’t really sure what happened to get things moving. We faced off against each other, and we took it in turns saying “COME ON THEN!!!!” at each other for a few minutes.

Neither of us was seemingly going to ‘come on’. Frankly, everyone else seemed to be getting a bit bored.

Some helpful soul in the crowd gave me a hearty shove in the back, propelling me towards Chompy like a hang-glider heading towards a mountain.

I got my hands in the way and gave him a good old shove. He returned the favour, asking me to “COME ON THEN!!!!!!!” even louder than before.

Another few long minutes of this passed.

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It was becoming clear that this big hard bully who’d called me out for a fight, didn’t actually want to START the fight!

I decided to take the initiative. My Karate Competition Winning Move (yes, I had one, and it changed every few months – no, it was never the Crane Kick) at the time was a hefty old reverse lunge punch to the gut.

I dropped down and my lightning-fast fist went into the folds of flab on his belly, sinking deeper and deeper… and deeper… and deeper… and….

Surely I should have hit SOMETHING solid by now?

I must have been almost shoulder deep in the fuckers belly, and I still hadn’t hit anything solid! Usually people would be crumpled up and spewing on the floor, and the Judges would wave flags in my direction and yell “Point!”. All I got here was a muffled “Oomph!” from Chompy as I retrieved my hand!

He didn’t look happy about the whole affair though.

He came at me, making little “Uss! Uss!” noises every time he threw a punch. Ah – that would be his Boxing training! Whatever it was, it was fucking irritating, and something he had the piss ripped out of him for years afterwards… I suppose at least I hadn’t yelled out a bloodcurdling “KIAI!!!” when I punched him, or I may have got the same!

It’s funny how when you’re younger, you can smash each other in the face multiple times and cause no damage. There’s a line you cross somewhere between 16 and 21, when all of a sudden one smack in the mush is enough to end the fight in a shower of blood and snot. I guess fighting when young was more fun in that respect.

We both danced around – me doing the gay Karate freestyle bob, him wiggling his Station-from-Bill-&-Teds humungous ass and ‘Uss! Uss!’ing his little heart out.

The crowd was all excited, as we harmlessly bashed each others brains out with our fists.

I dropped down low to deliver my trademark sweep, when he gave me an opening… and promptly fell off the curb into the road.

He ‘uss’ed me with an uppercut right on my jaw just as I was struggling to get out of the path of the car that was coming down the road! The cheek!

I gave him a quick tomp on the side of the head as I got back out the road, and we reached a lull.

Big Ole Chompy was looking a bit worse for wear – not because of battle damage, but he was obviously only used to collecting other kids’ dinner money, not having to ‘uss!’ more than a few times.

“Do you want to stop?” I asked him.

“You heard him! He wants to stop!” He cried to the crowd, picking up his bag and waddling off up the street.

I blinked a few times, rubbed the tiny bruise on my jaw, accepted the pats on the back from everyone, and never got bullied again!

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School Fights Part 1

School Fights Part 1

Believe it or not, even though I first started Martial Arts when I was 8 years old, I’ve only had two ‘real’ fights at school.

You may think this is because they all knew I was winning competitions and kicking ass, so they were all to scared to give me any hassle – but in actual fact I kept it all pretty quiet. Sure, I could have been bragging about it to everyone, but if you do that eventually someone will come along and say “I’m harder than you” and proceed to tear off limbs and other appendages and beat you to death with them.

It’s always better to let the Hard Guys get on with it – deep down they know that if they get beaten by a snotty nobody then their reputation is in tatters – and if they win it’s only to be expected.

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I was always very skinny, and just above average height. I was good at sports, had a bit of a brain, liked a laugh, and so generally avoided the attention of Bullies.

Until the third year of Middle School (or Year 7 for you young whipper-snappers).

The biggest, fattest kid in the school – let’s call him Chompy, because he can’t have had time for many other activities – must have been bored with his current crop of cattle, so turned his attentions onto me.

He started pushing me around, and making threats, and generally trying to make my life as miserable as he could. It worked quite well, because behind my happy-go-lucky front, I was just another scared, insecure kid.

I told a few people he was bullying me, and had the usual advice of  ‘stand up to him’!

OK, I had the skills (probably), but this guy was about three times my size, and I was used to being the biggest in my weight category for competitions, so wasn’t too happy at the prospect of Chompy sitting on me. Plus the fact that Chompy had been taking Boxing lessons, and thought himself tastier than a lard sandwich.

I put up with it for a week or two – which seemed like an eternity at that age, before it finally came to a head in the middle of a classroom.

The teacher was out of the room, but the class was full, and Chompy said something to me to try and get the other scared kids to laugh at me, and I turned and walked away, across the middle of the classroom.

Suddenly I felt one of this big fuckers hooves whacking me in the back of the leg!

My expected thought of “Ow! Fetch Mummy!!!” didn’t come.

Rage did.

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I’d had enough of that shit, so I turned back to face his huge moon-like sneering face, and as I did, brought my fist around in a right hook.

It connected hard with his temple. I’d hit a lot of heads by this time, but NONE like his. I swear my fist bounced back off his protective blubber as if I’d just hit a stack of tyres with a rubber mallet!

Time stood still, as all the air was sucked from the room by everyone watching.

I thought “Uh-oh!”.

He went a bit cross-eyed and sat on a desk behind him, going bright red like some kind of big bullying angry tomato. His whole body seemed to throb like a cartoon thumb that’s been hit with a hammer.

After what seemed like time to take at least three much-needed bowel movements, he spake thus:

“You’re dead you are, Cater!”

Thunder boomed and lightning lit the side of his face in a fun-house show of Doom (well, ok – I may have made that part up, but it may as well have).

The air came back into the room, to be replaced by lots of “Oooh”s and “Ahhh”s.

And so word spread, and everyone spent the rest of the day in eager anticipation of the David & Goliath Fight which was to happen after school…

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Angelina Is Not Pretty!

Angelina Is Not Pretty!

After having previously ranted about ‘Unfunny’ Owen Wilson, who seems to be ruining every comedy film of the last 5 years, I feel it’s only right to focus on some of the Hollywood wenches who piss me off.

One of the most publicised stars of the big screen over the last 10 years is the stunningly beautiful Angelina Jolie.

All women want to BE Angelina.

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Those huge lips… beautiful looks… her sexiness and attitude…

She’s been voted World’s Sexiest Woman in just about every magazine – both those aimed at men AND women.

Men drool over her.

*sound of a record scratching to a halt*

Why?

Right from back in 1995 when she was in ‘Hackers’ I was one of the few left there with a look on my face like I’d farted halfway through a yawn, whilst everyone raved about her.  Don’t get me wrong – she’ ‘ok’.  I’d probably fuck her till her nose ran if I was high on crack and she was grinding on me like an old rickety collie having a fit.  I’d agree she probably was the perfect choice to play Lara Croft.

Only… I’m not a Geek, and video game characters don’t turn me on either.  So I stayed silent about this – until recently…

Have any of you seen ‘Changeling’ yet?

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She.  Looks.  Rough.

Does anyone disagree with me here?  It’s only now that I can point out her big half-moon concave looks-like-someone-kicked-a-football-into-her-chops that I’ve found HIGHLY disturbing in all her films!  And that includes Mr And Mrs Smith – which I think is her best film.

And that brings me to something else!  She’s EVERYWHERE, right?  Star of a million great films – the best actress of our time etc, right?  Umm… and then you actually take a good look at the list of films she’s been in:

# Wanted (2008)
# Changeling (2008)
# Kung Fu Panda (2008) (voice)
# Beowulf (2007)
# A Mighty Heart (2007)
# The Good Shepherd (2006)
# Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)
# Alexander (2004)
# The Fever (2004)
# Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
# Shark Tale (2004) (voice)
# Taking Lives (2004)
# Beyond Borders (2003)
# Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)
# Life or Something Like It (2002)
# Original Sin (2001)
# Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
# Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000)
# Girl, Interrupted (1999)
# The Bone Collector (1999)
# Pushing Tin (1999)
# Playing by Heart (1998)
# Hell’s Kitchen (1998)
# Playing God (1997)
# Foxfire (1996)
# Mojave Moon (1996)
# Love Is All There Is (1996)
# Hackers (1995)
# Without Evidence (1995)
# Cyborg 2 (1993)
# Alice & Viril (1993)
# Angela & Viril (1993)
# Lookin’ to Get Out (1982)


Well slap me ’round the face with a dehydrated chicken if there aren’t only about FIVE damned films in that list that even scrape into the Good Film category – let alone Great Films!

I have nooooooooo idea what the majority of those films are.  Sky Captain and the World Of Tomorrow?!??!  They’re making that shit up now!

So what is it?  A winning personality?

Umm… isn’t she a bit of a morbid bitch who likes knife-fighting with her sexual partners?  Three marriages?  Possible affairs?  And she seems to be adopting like it’s a new fashion (which is still FAR better than buying tiny fucking rat-dogs).

Do you know what I think?

I think ALL her publicity and status is created by women.  Women who are jealous of her because she’s porked Brad Pitt… and even more so because she ‘won’ him from Jennifer Aniston.

Kind-of ironic…

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