The Paralympics, And My Hero!

The Paralympics, And My Hero!

If you read my blog, you’ll know how I never managed to get too excited over the ‘big’ Olympics this year.

It’s pretty much a school sports day for grown-ups.  What we REALLY need to see is a Drug Olympics – anything goes, so we can see what the human body is REALLY capable of doing!

Hence why you might not be surprised to hear I’m even less enthusiastic over the Paralympics.

Don’t get me wrong – they’re all great, and full respect for getting bits lopped off and still going for it and stuff, but I’d still rather watch motor racing (which doesn’t discriminate for disabilities).

And here’s the tie-in:

One thing I AM very excited about in the Paralympics is seeing Alex (Alessandro) Zanardi.

He’ll be doing his thing in the handcycle for the first and probably last time – and he has a good chance of winning, too!

It would be the perfect ending to his story (‘My Story’ is his awesome autobiography, too – go read it!) which I’ve been following very closely.

From his days as one of the best drivers ever seen in Indycar (with the best pass ever seen at Laguna Seca’s corkscrew), winning two championships with many races from the back of the grid, getting both of his legs smashed off in a 240mph t-bone accident, and his amazing comeback shortly afterwards.

Within a couple of years of the accident which should have killed him – the forces of getting hit at that speed alone should have done it, let alone the massive blood loss – he returned to the circuit in a specially adapted Indycar, and completed the laps he’d missed from that race in Germany.  At a pace that would have had him running at the front again!

He won his first race in a modified WTCC BMW shortly afterwards.  And all this from humble beginings – unlike most top racers who were born into money an made use of it to get them to the top.

As part of staying fit he took to handcycling, and his competitive nature came through once again, and he started competing and winning at that, too.

I can’t wait to see him, and hope he gets the gold!

Another reason is that having a rant about him when asked “Who’s your hero?” in a recent job interview nailed me the job!

So thank you Alex – and best of luck!

Stropping – Make Your (Male & Female) Razors Last Forever!

 

Stropping – Make Your (Male & Female) Razors Last Forever!

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Some skills and techniques are lost or made redundant over time.

If you’ve ever seen someone using a straight razor – or ‘cut throat’, like Sweeney Todd used to slash peoples throats – you may have seen them run the edge of the blade along a belt-type strip before they start shaving.

This is called ‘stropping’.  It keeps the edge of the blade sharp for a smooth and close cut.

What you may not know, is that this technique actually works on all modern razors!

I pay about £400 for a pack of 3 blades for my Gilette Mach 3 Turbo, and some people replace the blade after a week, or even a few days.  That kind of money builds up quickly.

I’d heard that stropping worked on these, but never tried it.  A few months ago I looked further into it, watching a few YouTube videos and looking at a load fo confusing techniques and explainations.

What you need to know is that it works.  I’d already been using my razor for ages, and it was at that stage where it sort-of grabs at your hair as you shave, and feels more like it’s ripping it out than cutting it.  Months later I’m using that same blade and it feels like it’s only been out the packet for a few days!

People online are claiming they’ve used the same multi-blade super-duper Gillette Wilkinson Turbo Excel 19 Blade Super Vibro Cut for 6 months, or even over a year!  This works on both mens and womens razors.

I could bang on about how it doesn’t technically ‘sharpen’ the blades, as such, and you can only strop one side of the blade – but the fact is THIS WORKS!

All you have to do is run your razor down the leg of your denim jeans a few times and you’ll see the effects instantly.

I’d recommend using the calf of your leg.  Run the razor down this in long strokes about 10-20 times before and after each use.  Run it BACKWARDS down your jeans – i.e. the OPPOSITE way from which you’d shave.  This won’t harm your jeans at all.  If you’re really worried about this, get some old jeans and hang them up and use those.

You need to use about the same pressure as you would when you’re shaving.

And that’s it!  A few strokes and you’ll save hundreds of pounds.  Probably thousands if you’re a hairy hippie who lives to be really old.

Give it a try, and come back and post a comment once you see the massive difference it makes!

Stop being conned by all the huge corporations!

 

EROTIC STORY: “Who’s On Top?”

EROTIC STORY: “Who’s On Top?”

 

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The stroll back from the night out was in stark contrast to what was in her head, concentrating on the weight of his strong hand resting around her waist and on her hip.

He was looking at her sometimes, when he thought she couldn’t see.

She’d catch his eyes and see that spark in them, although their talk was friendly… casual…

Then she was inside the house, the door pressing into her back as he pressed her hard against it.

He must have been having ideas on the walk back, because he was at least as ready as she was.

She pulled him close to her and took a sharp intake of breath as his teeth gently clamped down on the side of her neck – more expertly than any vampire ever had in a work of erotic fiction.

She pulled his body close to hers, and he returned the embrace, feeling her leg wrap around him.

He wrapped his arms around her lower back, lifting her up and pressing her against the door, letting her cross her legs behind him.

They kissed, gasping, and she exhaled deeply as he rubbed himself against her, hitting just the right spot even through his trousers.

He shuffled backwards, and she didn’t want to let him move from between her legs, protesting briefly before unclenching from around him.

His usually bright blue eyes looked almost black, but burned into her, and she felt their heat between her legs, as he took her hand and led her up the short staircase.

She didn’t need to be dragged, and pushed him through the doorway and onto the bed.

He laughed at this, and she straddled him on the bed.

This time he could see the black lace hold-ups beneath her short skirt, and she pulled her top over her head to reveal a matching black bra.

She lowered her mouth to his, biting on his lower lip whilst again sliding against him, only this time she was in control.

Her eyes fell shut as she ground herself against him, lightly but firm enough to make him groan with pleasure, his hands running up over her hips and thumbs hooking under the band of her thong, pulling down insistently.

She opened her eyes and raised herself from him, rolling to the side to slide out of her underwear, as he fumbled quickly to remove his own.

He raised his shoulder up and she pushed him back down, sliding her leg over his hips again.

She felt so good just resting against him, then she reached her hand beneath her, wrapping around him and working him up and down in a screwing motion before guiding him inside her, sinking down greedily over him – wanting every inch inside and filling her.

She held there, feeling him reach around and undo her bra strap, then sliding it off her slender shoulders.

She rode him steadily, her hair falling forwards over his face, and he kissed down her neck, biting her shoulder as his hands explored the curves of her back.  She was going to cum soon.

He noticed her change, and grabbed her hips, pushing her off him, and then pushing her shoulder in the playful way she’d done to him earlier.

He got to his knees on the bed, and she quickly moved from her back onto all fours, taking him in her mouth.

He moaned loudly, as turned on by the thought of her tasting her own juices on him as he was by the wave motion she did with her tongue, all up the underside of his cock, her teeth biting lightly on his head as her tongue flicked over the most sensitive part lightly.

Her hot mouth enveloped him again and he looked down to see her eyes on his, wanting to please, willing him to cum in her mouth.

He couldn’t take that for long, and pulled out of her mouth.

“No – I want to fuck you.”

She lay back, holding herself open for him with her fingers.

He gladly obliged, sliding himself in slowly as he knelt between her legs, watching her fling her head back, revelling in the three short wordless cries that came from her before he was as deep inside her as he could be.

He leant forward over her, and she could smell sweat and aftershave.  Breathing him in as hungrily and she was taking him in, she pulled him down on top of her, moving her hips in time with his, as he ground his pubic bone hard against her clit, keeping almost all the way inside her and using just his hips.

He took both her hands in his, pinning them above her head with his weight, and slid out so far she thought she’d lose him – and she desperately wanted to keep him inside her.

He took several long strokes in her, and then changed to fast and shallow, the tip of him almost leaving her.

Then he went back to the long strokes and her head was desperately pressing at the mattress, her hips rising to meet him, and she couldn’t breath as the orgasm tore through her.

She was only vaguely aware of crying for him to cum with her, but she didn’t need to, for the feel of her around him had sent him to the edge, and that sexiest of commands pushed him off a huge cliff.

She felt him twitching inside her and pulled him harder into her, her hands now free and nails scraping the skin from his back, then she felt his weight collapse onto her, both of their orgasms spiralling down from their peak, gasping air and groaning as if in disbelief.

They kissed with smiles, and she kept him inside her as they got their breath back.

He stroked her face as he kissed her, and as she clenched around him she felt him begin to harden again.

Who would be on top this time around?

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The New (Sensible) Beast

The New (Sensible) Beast

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Soon I will be required to commute to work on a motorbike – just like the good old days!

Because I’ve already ridden my ZX9R on snow and ice, I decided this time to get something a bit more sensible.

As I’m doing this to keep travel costs down, I decided I need something that looks a bit tatty, very reliable, easy to work on myself, cheap to buy, run and tax, and something that isn’t too nickable to thieves.  There’s only so much I can compromise, so I also wanted something with a bit of poke to it, that wouldn’t depress me every time I straddled it, and a fairing would be nice, too.

A 500cc maximum pointed me towards the kind of boring bikes you do your test on – Honda CB500, Kawasaki EN500, Suzuki GS500 or Kawasaki GPZ500.

I wanted to pay well under £1000 for a bike on the road, and found it’s possible to have any of these for that money, but you really have to get lucky to find a CB500 under this with long tax, MOT and tyres.

After viewing a few shitters, I saw a faired GPZ500 (EX500 Ninja to you Yanks) that fit the bill, made an offer on it, and rode it away the next day.  Sorted.

I have to say I’m a bit embarrassed by it.  It’s like having mongy girlfriend does the job for you, but you don’t really want to get into a discussion about her with your mates down the pub, because you KNOW you’ve compromised for something easy and available.

I thraped it on a long motorway run showing it no mercy straight away, and nothing fell off or leaked.  I even scraped my toes on that same ride back after buying the bike.

It’s got skinny little tyres and the suspension feels a bit wobbly in the corners, and I have no idea how far I actually CAN lean it over before something solid touches down and I fall off and tear my petticoat.  So I’m a bit wobbly on it as I try and push to build up confidence… *NOTE* This has improved since checking the tyre pressures last night, and adding around 30psi to the rear to bring it up to around 33psi…

And it’s got a ‘Vee Rubber’ rear tyre!  WTF is THAT???  I know it heats up very quickly, but that’s probably more to do with me not checking pressures for the first few days.  Then finding about 2.5psi in the rear.  It might even be a bit less wobbly in corners now!

The GPZ500 allegedly has 60hp – so 10 more than the other ‘less sporty’ bikes mentioned above – will do 60mph in under 4 seconds, and tops out at 120mph.

All of which is of course bullshit.  Mayyyyyyyyybe it’ll see 120 on the clocks on a 10 mile salt flat, bu I doubt that’s the real speed.  0-60 I don’t even want to think about or I’ll cry.  At least I’d have time to get off the bike, find some tissues in a supermarket, buy them, and then get back on before it actually hit 60mph.

Brakes are ok, but I don’t think a track day will be on the cards for this one.

It’s my first time on a parrallel twin, too.  It reminds me a lot of my very first Yamaha TZR 125.  It’s light, needs loads of revs to do anything, and even has a slightly 2-strokey Old Bike Smell.

It’s actually quite fun to ride because you feel you can just fling it around everywhere!  I’m probably already riding it more antisocially than my 9r!

But it’s not fully fun.  I get my confidence from a new bike by scraping my knee.  Is it even possible on a GPZ?  How hard should I push for this, considering I really bought it to get from A-B through traffic?

I suspect it will just be a reliable runaround that goes forever.  Maybe I’m getting old…

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Heel And Toe/Blipping On Downshifts

Heel And Toe/Blipping On Downshifts

The other morning I was chuffed to bits, having just used near-perfect heal and toe technique whilst braking for the end of the dual carriageway on my way to work!

I had decided that it wasn’t worth me learning the heel and toe braking technique, as I know far more racing drivers who don’t use it than who do.

As mentioned previously, I suspect it’s one of those big black clouds that people see as the near-impossible difference between us lesser mortals and Racing Drivers.

Either way, I figure this is worthy of a separate blog.

So what IS Heel and Toe?

Well, the basic aim is to blip the throttle as you shift down a gear, which will match the engine revs and result in a much smoother gearshift.  Because the revs are better matched between gears, you don’t get that jolt as the clutch takes all the strain of equalising the revs between gears, and so the tyres are also far less likely to lose grip as you downshift already on the edge of traction.

You need to brake using the ball of your foot below your big toe, so that half of your foot is over the throttle pedal, and as you press the clutch in and change down a gear, you tilt your foot so you catch the accelerator briefly, and then let the clutch out again.

Some keep the top half of their foot on the brake and twist their foot so they touch the accelerator with their heel – hence the name ‘heel and toe’.  I chose to use the side of the foot after watching some YouTube videos of how drivers like Ayrton Senna did things.  You can’t argue with the technique of the best racing driver ever!

It’s kinder mechanically, but also you get that sporty WHOM-WHOM-WHOM sound which sounds beautiful through a tuned exhaust.  Bonus

On a bike it was one of the first advanced riding techniques I learnt, and I use it all the time as it’s now second nature, just like clutchless upshifting.  For the two-wheel version you simply whack it down a gear with your foot and quickly flick your throttle hand to match the revs.  Far easier than a car, it has to be said!

A few nights ago I got to have a proper play around tight, twisty lanes in rural Worcestershire, and got lots of practice in.  My success rate of using heel and toe jumped from around 2 out of 10 shifts at the start of the week when I first tried it, to a solid 8 out of 10!

Maybe I will have mastered it enough to use it in the ARDS test?

This morning I also had my first crack at it whilst wearing my Vibram FiveFingers.  Awesome.  They are PERFECT for it, because you have all the essential feel plus the flexibility!

It was, however, just pointed out by a cow-orker that driving barefoot is illegal.  I wonder how that would go if I got pulled over driving in the FiveFingers?

Don’t Bother Insuring Your Car/Bike – It’s Worth The Risk!

Don’t Bother Insuring Your Car/Bike – It’s Worth The Risk!

First off, I’ll make it clear that all my vehicles ARE fully insured, but I can see why people wouldn’t bother insuring theirs.

Insurance companies are absolutely terrible cunts.

If you’re loyal to them, they will put up your policy price when you renew. I call it a Stupid Tax for those who can’t be botherd to shop around, but the fact is they still do it deliberately to rip people off.  They are NOT loyal to you in any way, so why should you be to them?

Once you do find a policy that you can fucking afford without turning to prostitution, you find you have to pay an ‘excess’ – basically this means that if anything happens (i.e. the whole reason you have insurance in the first place), you – yes YOU have to fucking pay anyway before the fucktards at your insurance company will get the chance to rip you off again!

So you insure your £700 car, and notice you have to pay out £500 before they pay a penny.  Let’s assume on that £700 you’re paying the average price of £500 (PER YEAR!?!?!), then when you make a claim of course the fucking retards tell you your car is only worth £500 due to depreciation, so you’re fucked.

You pay £500, they pay nothing.

THEN, they properly kick you in the balls for the next 5 years by making you pay more on every policy you take out!

This is whether the claim was your fault or not.  How in the Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ is that even LEGAL?!?

Then there is car and/or bike insurance.

You have to take two separate tests for two separate licenses.  But crash your car, and you have to declare that on your bike insurance, and so they BOTH go up for 5 years!

And you have 7 years No Claims discount for your car?  Oh, but you want a second car as well?

You can only drive one car at a time, right?

Right!  Well fuck you – you can only use your No Claims discount on ONE policy!

Want a car AND a bike?

Fuck you – you have to buy a policy for each.

I pay £130 per yer fully comprehensive on my 190mph superbike.  I recently bought an old shitter of a 500cc slow and sensible learner bike.

I honestly thought I could add this bike to my policy for around £20.  I called up my insurance company (DIRECT CHOICE – there’s your mantion you fat, greedy, robbing cunts! *waves*) who took my details and offered to add this little bike onto the big bike policy for… how much do you think?

£500.

That’s right – FIVE HUNDRED CUNTY-BASTARD POUNDS STERLING!

It still makes em laugh now.  I did a quick price comparison search (not allowed to use my NCD, remember) for a brand new policy and got one for £70.

Direct Choice you are utter, utter useless feeble cunts. Thanks for your help, and confirming that if you EVER call your insurance company after you’ve bought the policy, they stick their big fat cock up your arse without any lube.

And I even get a free cuddly Meercat toy ony my new bike policy.

Wankers.

ARDS Test Part 2: The Go Racing Pack

ARDS Test Part 2: The Go Racing Pack

I’ve now got my Go Racing Pack, and am preparing to book the test!

In the pack you get a DVD of what’s expected of you for the test, which goes over lots of regulations and flags you need to know for the test, and also a fair bit of first aid.  You get the ‘Blue Book’ of all contacts/rules/regs in the motor racing world along with some quick reference sheets for flags and handling techniques, a Demon Tweaks catalogue, and the application form itself.

Next step is to book up a day at Silverstone.

I have made a few observations along the way so far:

Although bike part prices are wayyy above car ones, when you get into car racing the balance shifts.

Car helmets? Unless you buy from overseas you’re looking at £300 for a cheapo, and most double that. Or in the thousands. Compare that to a bike lid that will do the job for £100…

And the flame retardant suits themselves? More than a set of leathers! You might scrape a cheap suit for £300, but just over £1000 seems to be about right – and that’s into custom-made super-leather jobbies on a set of bike leathers!

And then you need Nomex boots, gloves, and ideally a full set of fireproof undergarments head-to-toe.

Luckily, having just called Silverstone up directly, all you need for the test is comfortable clothing (as a lot of the day is in classrooms) and they provide an open-face helmet (so you can speak to the instructors and hear them yelling at you).  The may let me use my bike helmet, so I’ll take this along as well – mainly to try and sneak a bit of camera footage out of the day!

The other thing catching my attention at the moment is:

Heel & Toe

Every racing driver uses this technique, right?

Wrong, from what I can tell! I’m trying to find out from various sources exactly how many use it, and is it just the fastest drivers, and so far results are inconclusive.

I know championship winners who never use it, fo example.

I mean, I use the bike equivalent (blipping on every downshift), so it would make sense for me to learn heel and toe. Probably not for the test, but for the future, certainly.

I’ve said before about how driving a car is a bit boring as it’s all in slow motion compared to a bike.  Maybe this will liven things up a bit for me!

I’m enjoying watching old videos of Ayrton Senna and suchlikes working the pedals.  One thing to watch for, is if you’re learning from videos of Group B rally drivers, be aware that because of the filthy great primitive turbos they used, they’d often keep the throttle wide open as they braked.  This kept the turbo in the narrow sweet range when they got back on the power.

As a slight tangent to this, I recently learned that Ari Vatanen(?) drove the Lancia Delta S4 on the Portuguese GP circuit in 1984, and clocked a time that would have put him in 6th place at that years Formula One race!  Is that a sign of how awesome those Group B cars were, or how good their drivers were?

Do you use heel and toe in the car?