50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn
I had this rant back in 2012. I’m pretty sure the whole of society managed to agree on the fact that the books were utter shite.
Well, apparently not.
We have been treated to the film version!
Oh yes! Some skinny wench with ribs hanging out everywhere is now up on the big screen with her brooding-yet-powerful and equally as wooden co-star, and you get to sit in a cinema paddling away at your pink bits while everyone pretends to laugh about it all.
So here is my original blog on the ‘phenomenon’ – just replace the word ‘book’ with ‘film’ and feel free to go at it again:
You have probably been battered around your lady-parts lately by all this excitement over the book ’50 Shades Of Grey’ by E. L. James.
Everyone is going mental over it… err… ok – so by ‘everyone’ I mean the same kind of women who went mental over the Harry Potter books. Of course, with this book being of actual adult material, it’s been attracting the interest of even more people than the scarf-wearing geeky twat for retards.
And speaking of twats – that’s pretty much what 50 Shades Of Grey is all about!Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for porn. Just stop trying to dress it up as something else!
Oh, sure – they’ll call it ‘erotic fiction’, but essentially that just means it’s all the writing from pornographic magazines compiled and expanded without the pictures.And ‘erotica’ is never just about straight sex anymore. It’ll be whips, chains, spanking, klyster suits and two girls eating each others shit out of a cup!
Yes, I AM a bitter ex-writer of erotica – and I’ve had this rant before about how ‘erotica’ these days can’t just be about a couple having sex. Apparently it’s not ‘sexy’ until a toy soldier gets shoved up someones arsehole.
So this book is pretty much designed to get women, in the words of ‘The Inbetweeners’, frothing at the gash.There will be lots of one-handed reading going on, if you know what I mean?
Even more astounding given this fact, is that so many people are trying to get hold of second-hand copies off others!?!
“Are the pages stuck together?” Would be my first question! Then I’d also be purchasing some disposable gloves and anti-bacterial gel.
I suppose one good thing that will come from this mass hysteria is that it may open up the market for erotic writing again… So maybe I should start reposting the stuff I used to put up for Sex Blog Thursday on MySpace?
EROTIC STORY: “Missionary”
She clasped her hand around him and kissed his lips as he gasped.
He walked her backwards towards the bed as her other hand slid his already open shirt from his shoulders, and gave his jeans that extra shove to drop down to his ankles.
Stepping out of them, he playfully nipped her tongue, lifting her own top over her head, groaning again as her hand wrapped around him again.
He gave a slight push towards the bed, but she resisted, her mouth curling into a playful smile.
Sidestepping sleekly, he pushed his hip against hers, lifting her feet off the floor and throwing her down onto the soft mattress, her amused shriek bouncing off the walls as he quickly straddled her and pinned her arms above her head.
He growled and bit her throat like a werewolf attacking her, and she giggled and writhed beneath him.
Smiling, they kissed again, eyes closed as long moments passed. Without breaking his lips away, he moved so his legs lay between hers, and she kept her eyes closed tightly to revel in the sensation as his length rested against the wet warmth of her entrance.
He supported most of his weight on one arm, releasing her hands so she was free to wrap her own arms around his back, and he moved his palm over the curve of her hip, and over her buttock.
she squirmed her hips at his touch, feeling her clit rub against the underside of his penis.
He eased his hips forwards, sliding easily and spreading her wetness up her, increasing the pleasure for them both with a long slow motion, before drawing his hips back again so his tip was resting at her just inside her lips.
She dug her nails into his ass, pulling him harder against her as he slowly, torturously repeated the motion several more times.
His supporting arm began to shake – more with the anticipation and pleasure than the effort, and he shifted his weight onto both his elbows, tightly wrapping her in his arms by slightly lifting her back from the bed.
He slid his tip effortlessly inside her, holding it there, throbbing inside her as he kissed her neck – small, fast kisses that made him twitch inside her.
She tried to move her hips and draw him inside her, but he still had her body pinned by his weight, and she clenched tightly around him, loving the feel of him inside her, wanting him deeper, but enjoying his teasing too much.
He eased into her a tiny fraction more, going slowly so he could feel her warmth enveloping him, then pulling back almost all the way out, feeling himself shudder. She cried out wordlessly as he slid back in, even more slowly this time, but not stopping, sinking as deep inside her as he could, filling her all.
This time holding deep inside her, he ground his hips against hers, rubbing her clit, her hips grinding back up against his rhythmically.
He pulled back slightly, then moved forwards, sliding back and forth whilst always staying deeply with her, moving his hips against hers in semi-circular motions, twisting with each other.
He let out a shuddering sigh as he pulled back, almost out of her, intending to tease her more by stopping, but now getting lost in the moment, she drew him back in, their hands pulling at each other, breath hot against each others cheeks.
They bucked faster against each other, no games left now – just wanting each other, wanting their own pleasure, and knowing that would come from that of the other.
She felt him expand inside her and knew he was about to cum before hearing him cry out, and her nails raked down the skin of his strong back, her legs gripping him, wanting him even closer now, as she fell over the edge herself.
The world was lost to them, and an eternity could have passed before she opened her eyes, his hand was stroking her face as he gazed at her.
His smile and the darkness of his usually bright blue eyes told her all she knew, and all she wanted to know – he was all hers.
And she was forever his…
A Deluge Of Smut
Some of you will be aware of a few ‘erotic’ short stories I wrote a few years ago.
I actually wrote quite a few more of these than you will find on this blog… They were originally on MySpace, and posted each and every week for a day we themed ‘Sex Blog Thursday’.
Everyone else was writing the usual ‘erotic’ crap involving leather masks, spanking, whips, and anal sex with a dead yak.
I got noticed (my rise to MySpace fame!!!) through the masses because I was writing stories about real (vanilla?!) sex – without this kinky crap that seems essential to every other damned ‘erotic’ writer! And, I guess, being a male doing this stuff was a bit different, too.
The truth is, I knocked one out (the STORIES, you perves!) in under 30 mins in most cases, without any editing or even reading them back. It worked, loads of you people out there loved them, and life was rosier than a tinted condom.
Looking back at them now is Cringe City.
I’m actually a bit scared to repost them, despite lots of requests, because, well… I was anonymous on MySpace, and my Mom can see this blog linked to me on Facebook now. And work people. And real live people who may or may not have featured in some stories. Umm… yes…
So, in the true spirit of ‘fuck it’, I’m going not look too closely at them, paste them as they are from the old archives, and post most of them again.
So, err, apologies in advance if you know me in real life, and normal service will resume once the deluge of smut has spooted all over my blog like a pot-bellied Asian guy in glasses at a Bukakke festival.
Porn Is Ruining Our Children
Every so often it flares up in the press and documentaries that the minds (and future sex lives) of our poor innocent children are being ruined by the Evils of pornography.
Getting my knees jerking in unison with theirs, they do have a point.
Almost everyone from a very young age has access to the internet, and even with the parental filters and stuff in place, the chances are a child will still be able to access, or at some point be subjected to a link containing pornography.
If you go to Google and search for porn, you will find it. Thus, a child may well go online out of curiosity, and potentially have their first experience of sexual arousal whilst watching some slut being raped in the ass and giving a blue waffle and anal gaping.
Religious types have always been banging on about this being terrible, but the fact is that a lot of people’s later sexual preferences will be guided during this early, formative period.
If your first experience of sex is rough gonzo sex videos, there’s every chance that when you finally get to have real sex with a real woman, you will expect to be doing her in the butt, giving her a gagging blowjob, and cumming all over her face at the end.
This will be your view of what sex is, and more importantly, what GOOD sex is. It will be what you expect to give and receive from sex. The chances are you and all your mates will chat and laugh about how you fisted someone and then fucked their feet.
To compound this, most parents aren’t too willing to talk about sex, or by the time they do give Little Johnny the ‘Birds & Bees’ talk, he’s already into having threesomes and donkey-punching his girlfriend.
It’s too late. Porn has ruined your child’s view of sex forever!
Who wants normal vanilla sex, all lovey-dovey and boring?
Hell, even todays erotic fiction (that their parents are reading openly in public – “50 Shades Of Grey” etc) is all about spanking and anal sex!
The future looks grim. And it looks grim whilst suspended from its nipples in a klyster suit.
All this because porn is so easily available to our kids!
But wait a second!
What is ‘pornography’?
Well, that depends on who you ask. Some would class a picture of a topless woman as ‘porn’ – some even a woman wearing a bikini. It could be a video of a loving couple having slow sensuous sex as much as it is a midget sucking off a horse.
Who’s making this distinction?
And following on from that, if your kid is sat there watching ‘anal gape dogging’ porn, it’s most likely because they have specifically gone out and LOOKED for ‘anal gape dogging’ porn!
If you search for, on the other hand, ‘romantic lovers’, can you guess what results you might have returned? There IS an absolute shitload of ‘nice’ porn out there, showing vanilla acts of sex, possibly between long-term couples who are most definitely both consenting to every act.
So the real problem isn’t porn. It’s the TYPE of porn that your little shits are deliberately searching for!
And don’t get me wrong – I’d have sought out the nastiest stuff with my mates, too – it’s what kids do. But I’d have also been able to make the distinction between what is acceptable human behaviour, and what is sick, derogatory, degrading, violent, or not very nice.
Because, you know, I’m not as pigshit thick and completely helpless like all kids today apparently are. And you’d be hard-pressed to find a way that isn’t the fault of the parents – and not pornography…
EROTIC STORY: “The First Hurdle”
He’d been trying to decide how long to wait. And how long he should make her wait.
After a few dates, this was his first time in her house. She’d cooked, they’d eaten, and now already the second film of the night was playing.
And of course there was the vodka.
Deciding to have a play and see what the reaction was, he idly traced his fingertip across the length of her shoulders as they sat together on the couch.
Her submissive purr told him all he needed to know, and as he ran his fingers up her neck and into her hair, her head lolled against his hand and her shiver of pleasure was plain.
He smiled in the dimmed light, lightly moving his other hand into action on her thigh.
She turned to him, no smile on her lips – just hunger in her eyes, and there wasn’t even an instant in which to consider having their first real kiss. It was gentle but needful, embracing each other strongly as they twisted to get more of their bodies to touch.
The kiss broke and his fingers still massaged the back of her head, and between her moans her hot lips were against the side of his neck, then back on his lips again.
As she found how hard he already was, he moved his own hands over her corseted top, feeling her soft, firm breasts through the material and needing to feel more.
He pulled her body close to his, reaching around her back to the corseting. Biting her neck softly, he pulled at the ties.
“Not like that…” she panted, pulling back and showing him the hooked fasteners at the sides.
He smiled again, somewhat disappointed to have the new challenge of undoing a corset denied, kissing her as he popped open the fasteners the easy way.
He was kissing down her collarbone even as she discarded the top, his warm hands cupping her as he kissed her breasts slowly and softly.
She moved to kneel on the coach facing him, pulling off his top as if in trade, and she didn’t stop him as he unbuttoned her jeans and slipped a hand inside.
She lifted his face to kiss him again as his fingers slid over her wetness, and he knew she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Slickened by her own wetness, her whole body sagged as he slowly ran a finger over her clit for the first time, and time disappeared for both of them, her gasp as her tightness clamped down around his fingers bringing out a moan of pleasure from him.
Somehow he was naked as she pushed him back into the seat, straddling him as she steadily worked her had rhythmically up his length, before guiding his tip inside her.
He bit her lower lip as she eased down slowly, a cry escaping them both as she slowly inched over him.
She felt so tight he wondered briefly if this would work, but their slickness made sure there was anything but pain as she took his whole length inside her, nails clawing at his shoulders.
They kissed hard, both gasping as she drew herself up his length, eager to resume the kiss, but unable to ignore their ecstasy.
She rode him like that for a long time, changing pace and matching each other easily – both in tune with each other as if they’d done this a thousand times.
He swirled his tongue over her hard nipples, her whole body shaking now as she moved on him steadily.
“I’m gonna cum…” she breathed against his ear, and he came the moment her hands scrabbled at his back, both lost to each other as they gripped each other as if to stop from floating off.
She kept him inside her, and they both calmed their breathing, kissing more tenderly now.
“I wasn’t sure if you wanted to?” She said, much to his amusement.
A thunderstorm had started outside, and only now did they notice as the roar shook the window panes.
The first hurdle was passed, and they held each other, both knowing they’d made the right choice with each other at last.
And now they could really begin…
EROTIC STORY: “Just Friends”
It was always asking for trouble.
A bed is to friends what the apple was to Adam and Eve.
As they traded laughter for a quick kiss, he was a little surprised when the gentle lip contact became suddenly and unavoidably deeper. But only a little surprised.
Their tongues found each other, and she pulled at his shoulder, virtually dragging him on top of her – not that he needed too much coaxing.
Funny though it was, ‘Family Guy’ was lost to a world filled only with them, his arms sliding underneath her body in a fierce embrace.
Still he had to know that this was what she wanted, so he held back, merely matching her kiss until she was lifting his shirt over his head. As she ground her hips hard up against his, he finally relented to her, pressing his hips back down on her, his hardness making her moan out load as she worked her body.
Her top was gone – he couldn’t remember how or when, and as his lips kissed at her naked shoulders, and he realised she’d slipped off his jeans, he didn’t need to know the answers.
He eased his weight off her, laying to her side and running a hand down her beautiful face. She kisses him again, hungrily, and his hands fumbled with her own jeans, the wetness that embraced his fingers telling him this was not the time for gentle foreplay – she wanted him right now.
Back on top of her, he slid his length against her, feeling her shudder as she pressed herself against him. He wanted to tease her like this, but didn’t think he’d last if he did.
As his tip slowly entered her, he could tell she might not last either.
He pushed into her a little, then drew back again, making sure he was slick with her juices as he pushed a little further and then drew back again. She bit the side of his neck hard as he finally filled her with his whole length, and he held himself as deep as he could inside her as she squirmed her hips, her muscles locking him tightly inside her.
Running his fingers through her hair as he gazed into her eyes again, he took a moment to steady himself, realising almost instantly that those hungry eyes, and her full lips wouldn’t help him. Pulling her tight again, he nuzzled his nose against her hair, flicking his tongue over her ear, biting slightly as he slowly worked his hips.
In his head he knew he should be trying to think of baseball cards or something now to slow down his climax, but the moment was too good.
She bucked her hips up to meet his thrusts – no time for kissing now as they clawed and pulled at each other.
Suddenly, he pulled out of her, and as if she’d read his mind she moved with him, pushing him onto his back before sinking down onto him again.
She sat up, and his hands cupped her breasts, then he pulled her forwards slightly, sucking and kissing at her nipples as she rode him steadily – a pace that was perfect for both of them.
She stopped with a gasp, and arched her back as she felt him twitch inside her, but he wasn’t ready to end it yet.
Teasing him, she inched off him as slowly as she dared, grinning wickedly as she finally released him, and then he was behind her – inside her again.
He pulled her hips back onto him and held her there hard, whilst very lightly running his tongue from the nape of her neck to her shoulder. He retraced the route lightly with his teeth, and the hair on her neck stood on end as he bit down gently on her neck, then placed hard kisses up to her earlobe as he pinched her nipples hard.
She turned her head so their lips met briefly, then dropped her face to the mattress in ecstasy as he pulled back and sank into her again.
He thrust harder, and she met his movements eagerly. He pushed her forwards, taking his weight on one arm as his other hand moved between her legs.
He felt her cum as he was right on the edge, and knew he should pull out of her, but it felt too good.
She was cumming and trying to pull his hand away from her clit, but he kept the pressure there as he came hard inside her, feeling her juices running down over his fingers as she cried out with him.
She fell forwards, and he moved with her, still inside her and kissing her shoulders as they rose and fell with her breathing.
At last she lifted her head and twisted around to look at him with a smile.
Maybe they weren’t just friends anymore…