EROTIC STORY: “Drive Me To The Edge!”

EROTIC STORY: “Drive Me To The Edge!”

He was watching her as she drove.

It was a huge turn-on to see her handling the car, bare legs straining against the pedals, and the lazy way she caressed the gear stick, sliding her slender fingers over the steering wheel.

The atmosphere between them was electric.  He was already hard in anticipation, willing his erection away so he could give her the full show.

She was squirming with her own wetness.  They spoke briefly, but they were both glad they could use the radio as a distraction – not that it was distracting either from what they were about to do.

She had scouted out some of the quieter roads a few days before, finding the spot in a gateway that she pulled into now.

Fucking dog walkers were the main problem – they popped up everywhere!  Then again, so might Doggers, if they knew what was going on!

She pulled on the handbrake and switched the engine off.

Sun shone over the surrounding fields, a warm breeze softly rustling the hedgerows.  The sound of a distant tractor floated in through the open windows, and they both took a deep breath of fresh summer grassy air.

When they looked at each other the whole world outside the car could have caught fire.  They flung their arms around each other – lips meeting first before their arms wrapped around each other, hands hungrily moving over each others backs.

His hand unfastened a few buttons on her shirt and slipped inside to cup her breast, her eager nipple hard to his touch.

“I want to feel you inside me” she breathed at him, shifting her position to face him better.  Her hand ran over his inner thigh, then slipped between his legs.  He looked down with interest before she found the seat mechanism and slid his seat backwards to it’s furthest point.

He giggled a bit and was about to say something about funfairs, but then she was stretching her leg over his lap to straddle him.

Her hands scrabbled at his trousers, as he lowered the back of his seat so he could lean back a bit, and the summer air felt cool to the hotness of her hands as she sprung him free.

She worked both her hands on him slowly, looking deeply into his eyes.  His hands held her hips, then ran down her thighs, lifting her short skirt and touching the bare flesh beneath.

She moved herself forwards, still holding him in one hand and pressing his cock against her so he could feel her own dripping wetness.

Groaning, one hand went back to her breast, and she stroked his penis with one hand as she thrust her hips against him, herself letting out a cry as she slid against his slick shaft.

Her legs stopped her as she tried to move forwards onto him, and he moaned in frustration as his tip was briefly inside her before she pulled away again.

She placed her hands on his chest, holding him back in his seat, and then shimmied herself around so she was sitting on his lap, her legs outside his.

She pressed her hands into his chest as she lifted herself up, and then lowered herself slowly onto him, her head thrown back as he slid deep inside her.

Holding him inside her, she turned lay her her back onto his strong shoulders, turning her head so they could kiss.  She moved her hips in a wave motion, and then pressed her thighs together and squirmed over his lap, and he whispered her name in her ear at her tightness around him.

One hand held her firmly around her waist, the other unfastening more of her buttons before massaging her breasts.

Her hand moved as she opened her legs again, and he looked down over her breasts as she stroked gently at her clit, feeling herself get even more wet knowing he could see her.

She lifted her feet and put them on the edge of the dashboard, lifting herself up his length as he moved both his hands around her to steady her and hold her tightly.

Suddenly she brought her thighs together sharply, making him cry out, and that cry making her cum hard.  Her spasms set him off, too, thrusting himself deep inside her as her muscles clenched tightly around his own throbbing penis, and he bit lightly on her earlobe as he came with her.

Their desperate movements slowed and his hands held her more gently.  They kissed softly, her beautiful eyes locked on his, as she softly rocked her hips.

Eventually she slid off him, and they drove back to civilisation, leaving the radio switched off.

Their smiles sang better words than any song could have…

Don’t Bother Insuring Your Car/Bike – It’s Worth The Risk!

Don’t Bother Insuring Your Car/Bike – It’s Worth The Risk!

First off, I’ll make it clear that all my vehicles ARE fully insured, but I can see why people wouldn’t bother insuring theirs.

Insurance companies are absolutely terrible cunts.

If you’re loyal to them, they will put up your policy price when you renew. I call it a Stupid Tax for those who can’t be botherd to shop around, but the fact is they still do it deliberately to rip people off.  They are NOT loyal to you in any way, so why should you be to them?

Once you do find a policy that you can fucking afford without turning to prostitution, you find you have to pay an ‘excess’ – basically this means that if anything happens (i.e. the whole reason you have insurance in the first place), you – yes YOU have to fucking pay anyway before the fucktards at your insurance company will get the chance to rip you off again!

So you insure your £700 car, and notice you have to pay out £500 before they pay a penny.  Let’s assume on that £700 you’re paying the average price of £500 (PER YEAR!?!?!), then when you make a claim of course the fucking retards tell you your car is only worth £500 due to depreciation, so you’re fucked.

You pay £500, they pay nothing.

THEN, they properly kick you in the balls for the next 5 years by making you pay more on every policy you take out!

This is whether the claim was your fault or not.  How in the Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ is that even LEGAL?!?

Then there is car and/or bike insurance.

You have to take two separate tests for two separate licenses.  But crash your car, and you have to declare that on your bike insurance, and so they BOTH go up for 5 years!

And you have 7 years No Claims discount for your car?  Oh, but you want a second car as well?

You can only drive one car at a time, right?

Right!  Well fuck you – you can only use your No Claims discount on ONE policy!

Want a car AND a bike?

Fuck you – you have to buy a policy for each.

I pay £130 per yer fully comprehensive on my 190mph superbike.  I recently bought an old shitter of a 500cc slow and sensible learner bike.

I honestly thought I could add this bike to my policy for around £20.  I called up my insurance company (DIRECT CHOICE – there’s your mantion you fat, greedy, robbing cunts! *waves*) who took my details and offered to add this little bike onto the big bike policy for… how much do you think?



It still makes em laugh now.  I did a quick price comparison search (not allowed to use my NCD, remember) for a brand new policy and got one for £70.

Direct Choice you are utter, utter useless feeble cunts. Thanks for your help, and confirming that if you EVER call your insurance company after you’ve bought the policy, they stick their big fat cock up your arse without any lube.

And I even get a free cuddly Meercat toy ony my new bike policy.


Braindead Car Drivers With Aids

Braindead Car Drivers With Aids

I went out for a good long ride the other day along the scenic and fun roads around Shropshire, but almost didn’t make it that far because of this incident just a few minutes into my journey:

Now, firstly I need to stress to you how important it is to make sure you’re ‘switched on’ whenever you’re on the bike.  It’s easy to get complacent when you’re only just setting out, and even more so when you’re close to home on your return.

In the video, you see the car ahead of me is positioned over to the right hand side of the road approaching the roundabout.  He is actually up against the right hand curb as he’s going around the roundabout, before suddenly and without indicating he cuts across to take the left exit.  Almost taking me out.

His road positioning and percieved intention to turn right is exagerated even more because the car ahead of him took the correct positioning and line, making his actions even more deceptive.

I had plenty of room to go around the left hand side of the car, but to be honest I was expecting such a stupid move, so hung back.  You could say my Spidey Sense was tingling, and it saved me.

You’ll notice that afterwards I overtake the car.  There are several reasons for this – firstly what you can’t see is that I was gesticulating to the driver as I was alongside.  When I pulled in front I was switching my indicators on and off and pointing at them.  Do you think he learnt anything?  Doubtful.

Secondly, I believe that it’s better to have the idiots as far behind you as possible, where they can’t cause you any damage.  If they’re still in front they’re still dangerous, as they can brake and reverse or do other mental stuff.

What exactly are we doing to educate drivers?  Other than the million to one chance of them getting caught being Nobbers by the Police, we’re creating hundreds of driver aids to make the cars safer.


We’re making the CARS safer, taking even more responsibility away from the driver?!  Meaning they have even less need to concentrate, because the cars will brake, stabilise themselves, keep within the road markings and protect the dumbass occupants when they do end up upside down in a ditch?

Maybe we should be taking all the driver aids away and surrounding the driver with sharpened metal spikes facing inwards, so they might start to learn that their pissing about behind the wheel has CONSEQUENCES.

The Death Of The Mighty Uno

The Death Of The Mighty Uno

When I bought the 1994 Fiat Uno as a first ever car around a year and a half ago, I didn’t really expect it to last for a year.

As it turned out, the car never let me down!  It still started first time every time, and ran well.  Handling was surprisingly good – it went exactly where you pointed it, and having hardly any mechanical grip taught me how to drive smoothly and keep the momentum going to make progress with a car that made maybe 45hp back when it was new.  Pushing past those limits it was very predictable (and drifted quite nicely!), and much as I tried to hate it at first, it was quite a pleasure to drive!

So despite me thraping it around, it took it all and actually seemed to get faster to suit the way I thrashed it with a metaphorical stick.

Sadly, just as we went into Winter, it started blowing out it’s coolant.  Smelling the coolant made it almost certain that the head gasket was blowing, and combine with rusty sills and unrepairable rear suspension, there was no point spending cash on what was about to become a money pit.

Although it still ran perfectly, it wasn’t going to get any better – so I started looking around for new cars – aiming to pay £300-£500 for some shitter with long tax and MOT.  Basically, the bike is my performance/fun vehicle – the car needs to get me to Aldi and fit the shopping in the boot, and be capable of long motorway journeys off to weird and wonderful places to shack up and shag.

How crap is buying a new car?  I mean, it’s probably ok if you have a big budget, but to try and find something that’s cheap and runs is a nightmare.

Everyone lies.  Someone once made the very good point that “Nobody ever sells a car because it’s perfect”.  Most people sell them because they want it off their hands before they have to pay huge bills for it.

So my main concern was that it DID work, and that the even bigger expense of insurance was affordable!

And insurance makes no sense!  A Fiat Bravo crapper can cost twice the insurance of a much newer, bigger engined Ford Focus?!

As it happened, my sister was selling her Honda Civic Sport – so a few checks online showed that this VTEC ‘sports’ was still cheaper than either of the two mentioned before!  WTF?

And so that’s what I’ve done!

Expecting another old shitter of a car, I’ve actually now ended up with a car I actually quite like the look of, has ‘Sports’ written on the back (and it wasn’t done in permanent marker by me), and might even handle quite well!

And of course it’s a known quantity and not being sold because it’s about to blow up!

So R.I.P. Fiat Uno – I did a quick search for local scrapyards and was going to get some quotes, and came across:

They gave a list of what local scrapyards will offer for your scrap car, or a price that they’ll come and collect it off you for  £140 in my case, and there was no hassle or anything.  I put my request in online, they called me back confirming details and arranging the pick-up, and then I came back to find the cash pushed through my door and the car gone!  Excellent service and highly recommended!

Now, should I factor in a drive to the Nurburgring this Summer…??

England Should Ban Jaywalking!

England Should Ban Jaywalking!

Jaywalk –verb (used without object)
to cross a street at a place other than a regular crossing or in a heedless manner, as diagonally or against a traffic light.

Should we have it in the UK?

The ‘Merkins have a lot of stupid Laws – often only in one particular state.

California, for example, has a law that everyone must grow long hair and play Death or Thrash Metal.  And their wives are allowed to blow their heads off with shotguns when they get famous. Ohio has something in their Laws about crap US football teams and corn.  And serial killers are encouraged.

But much as it pains me to admit, one of their laws is just downright sensible – and that is the aforementioned ‘Jaywalking’.

If you go pottering across the road in New York, a big porker in a rain mac will shoot you dead.  You don’t even have to be Muslim!

In Bromsgrove Town Centre, UK, however, it seems to be perfectly acceptable to ignore the two pelican crossings which are around 50 yards apart, and go Ninjaing between the traffic regardless.

People seem to see this as fine, for the sake of saving a good three or four seconds of their life where they’d have to walk to one of the crossings… and then they get splatted by a filtering motorbike, sending all their bags of pound shop goodies flying through the air.

This has happened to a few people I know over the last few years.  There weren’t any real injuries, by some miracle, but the aftermath in one involved the stupid bints husband calling up my mate afterwards threatening him and trying to make him pay out compensation.

Compensation for your wife being a dipshit who couldn’t be *rsed to use one of the PEDESTRIAN crossings???

I’ve had a few near-misses myself when these idiots suddenly pop out between the cars, not looking and certainly not thinking.

I will tell you that if I ever hit one they better be dead, because I would beat the ever-loving shit out of them if I or my bike got damaged!

And that’s why it should be a crime in the UK.

Because it’s yet another thing that innocent people get punished for and end up paying out for, all because some retarded mouth-breather feels it’s everybody elses fault for them being a dick head.

Watch for around 2:20 into this video for a prime example:

My Super Serious Near Fatal Horrific Death High Speed Bike Crash

My Super Serious Near Fatal Horrific Death High Speed Bike Crash

Some of you lucky buggers from Facebook and may have already heard about this and seen the video…

Last night, after some expert riding where I raced my riding partners Valentino Rossi and Max Biaggi (and won), jumped over a medium sized canal, and wheelied for 25 miles non-stop, I pulled off onto a gravel driveway and slowed down to sensible speeds, crawling along with nary a blart coming from my exhaust.

And then this happened:

That’s right – after two and a half years of careful ownership, I’ve only gone and crashed my trusty Kawasaki ZX9R.

You’ll see from where the car pops out that I had no chance, and also that the lady driving it couldn’t possibly have seen me, and so I guess neither of us is at fault.  It was just one of those really unlucky moments where I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The wheels locked the second I touched the brakes on the gravel, and somehow I still managed to steer around the back of the car but by that stage the bike was already going down and nothing would stop it.

I think my knee hit the deck, and apart from the standard pulled muscles in my arms etc I seem to have twisted my lower back pretty nastily.

Ah well – I didn’t tear my expensive petticoat or hit the car, and I don’t think I’ve done a serious mischief to myself.  The bike survived well, too – a few scratches on the fairing but no cracks or breaks, and the crash bung seems to have done it’s job well!

You’ll also notice that after the tiny little woman asked me if I could get it up – *blushes* – and I answered “I don’t know, I’ve never tried it with this one” – *cringes* – she heaved the bike upright probably taking more of the weight than I did!

Time for me to read up on techniques for lifting up a fallen bike, methinks!

Weird, because for the last week or so, I’d been getting a feeling like I was going to crash whilst filtering on the bike.  I have uploaded a couple of filtering vids on YouTube to show you Yanks some proper ‘lanesplitting’, so figured it was probably just this on my mind.

I have had premonitions before – for a few days before my last bike accident I actually had dreams of losing the front end on the brakes, and then suddenly some tosser did a u-turn in front of me and I lost the front end on the brakes and nearly splatted myself!

Yes, I’m a Rubberhead, but rest assured my hatred of the modern ‘compensation culture’ ensures that I WON’T be claiming on anyones insurance for either the bike or my injuries.

And all this is even more ironic if you read my very last blog about mechanical sympathy…  Plus it was only around a week ago that I had a full valet done on my bike…  Doh!

Tank Mounting The Veho VCC-005-MUVI-HD10+

Tank Mounting The Veho VCC-005-MUVI-HD10+

One problem I’ve been having with my Veho HD10 camera is with the sound.  It seems that the microphone is very sensitive, and will even pick up sounds such as vibrations and movement through the casing if you tape it to anything, like I do.

The way to get around most of the sound issues is to either use the mounts supplied by Veho, or to make your own.  I decided to try using one of the ‘official’ Veho mounts.

This one has a strong sticky pad that I stuck onto the tank.  The glue is very strong and even just plonking it on there in the cold it stayed put confidently.  Ideally, you want to make sure it’s set by sticking it on and leaving it overnight to set properly.  There are several of these types supplied.

The camera and mount attaches to this with a velcro pad.  I chose this for easy removal, but as it turns out the extra ‘give’ of the velcro meant the camera has far too much free movement!  The actual mount itself has two connecting joints (you can add more or remove them as required) – make sure these are screwed in as tight as possible, as they do work loose so the camera position moves!

My petrol tank does move a little with engine vibrations, and this didn’t help matters.  Before I’d screwed the joints up REALLY hard, I found the camera started to lean backwards under acceleration so it was filming the sky, and went forwards under hard braking and over harsh bumps.  My advice is to use as few of the joints as you possibly can for maximum stability.

I have no interest whatsoever in filming my speedometer – I don’t use cameras to show off or prove anything, so I’m not a major fan of this set-up!  You may well love it, and it could be good on track.

To eliminate the excess movement you may also want to stick the camera mount directly to the tank, and not use the velcro pad like I did.  If you do this you can still remove the mount and camera quickly and easily, as they all slide and click in securely anyway.

Oh, and the camera itself screws into the mount nicely, with no need for tape, padding, or anything else.

Overall, the mounts are all very good and very easy to use, plus they’re quite adaptable.  They’re well thought out, but you need to have a think yourself about where best to put them and which to use.

So what’s next?  I didn’t like the tank mounted option because there’s just too much movement on my bike.  I think next I will stick one of the pads onto my top yoke and see how that goes.  I’m also tempted to get the suction mount and put that on the inside of the windscreen… I’m not sure on a bike there’ll be anywhere on the screen flat enough to get good purchase, though?

And I finally got around to putting the supplied CD-ROM into my laptop – there’s nothing special on it apart from an electronic copy of the user manual, so those who can’t get it to load aren’t missing anything here!

I’ll get more pics and video of my next run…