GTA V Heists

GTA V Heists

FINALLY, Rockstar have released the heists update that they’ve been promising us for years!

I have to say, I was rather enjoying reading the comments on their pages every single time they released anything (and they have released loads of totally free content) where people would have a major whinge!

I played GTA 5 pretty much for my whole life since its release.  It was only when I got Dragon Age Inquisition for Christmas that I stopped playing it.

So, after my near-3 month gap, I waited a few days knowing the servers would crash, and logged in for the updates.

They took ages, followed by nothing actually working, anyway.

I then gave it a few days and tried again.

This time, I could get into lobbies promising heist stuff, which then either kicked me out or something weird happened.  One time I go to do a set-up for a heist, which involved me having to play some shitty ‘snake’ type game to hack something or other.  Then it was all over, and I couldn’t do anything else, so logged off.

Well, you would log off, wouldn’t you?  I wanted to shoot people in the face-bone and rob banks.  Not play fucking shitty 80s mobile phone games!!!

Last night, I tried one more time.  I had to play Snake AGAIN for hours, as I tried to guide the shitty light through a maze instead of anything anyone in the fucking world ever would want to do on a game.  Fuck you, Rockstar.

I tried a few set-ups of my own, where I’m funding stuff and Level 4 people send you messages saying “Pay me $100,000 or I’m leaving the game” – I’m level 177 you ignorant 12 year old fuck!  Or some I joined where the leader was set to take $270,000 cut from the heist whilst paying me $40,000!

WTF are you rubberheads on?!?  Unsurprisingly, most people drop out before anything happens, so you spend hours on GTA these days sat waiting in lobbies, or playing fucking Snake for fuck-all cash.

Then I managed to meet some of my crew, and got down to proper heist action!

We all had some banter over our headsets, before jumping on a dustbin lorry and thraping it around, picking up bin bags and shooting people in the face-bone, at last!

The online experience really can be awesome when you’re actively chatting and having a laugh with people!  I know this applied even before the heists – I’ve spent many hours playing online just because I was having a laugh with real people from all over the world as we played.  ‘Tis very good!

It seems that a few things have changed in the few months I was away.

Firstly, how the Hell is everyone else so skint??  I have about 4.7 million in the bank, so I guess that puts me in a good position to run the heists, as someone has to pay up front for them.  I will be setting some up for the crew.

Technically, I have less now, because the second thing is a couple of new vehicles that I bought.  The only really notable new vehicle is this:

The Karin Karuma.  A sportscar that feels like one, but it’s got filthy great big plates of armour all over it that actually WORK!  This means you can sit your whole crew in there and blast some f00’s out the window in safety.  It does understeer a bit, and is far from the best handling car, but it will outdrag a Double T bike – so it’s not shabby!

And there is (at last) a homing missile launcher, so you can get that irritating twat in the Buzzard who keeps picking you off.

I believe playing heists will unlock more vehicles and weapons.

It is proof that Rockstar listen to us, and you can’t fault them for keeping a game alive that’s been around for a while and is still the greatest!  And there’s more to come…

Just FFS get rid of ‘Snake’.

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Drug Driving Is Officially Illegal From Today!

Drug Driving Is Officially Illegal From Today!

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According to a few news sources (who as a rare treat are actually pedalling important news that isn’t about some granny falling off a stage), today, new rules come into force to crack down on people driving under the influence of drugs.
Whilst in theory, this means less chance for people like me to get squished by big white vans stinking of ganja at 8 in the morning, it also grinds on me like an ugly stripper that you suspect has herpes, and wants to rub her damaged bits on you.
It seems that by swab tests at the roadside or ‘other tests’ back at the Police station, they can now catch you and charge you.
And it’s pretty hefty, too – 1 year minimum driving ban.  I don’t fully understand the measurements they use to identify a positive test, but they look pretty low.
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And there lies our first problem…
I have no problem with people injecting whatever drugs they like into their eyeballs or up their snouts, but if this is going to catch someone who had a sly joint 2 days ago, it’s not a good thing for anyone.
Then there’s the fact that they WILL also test for legal medication, and you can still be charged. In one link I saw this:
“People using prescription drugs – including morphine and methadone – will not be penalised if they use the drugs within the recommended amounts.”
Whoa!
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So, you’re telling me that somone with a trace of cocain in their system is more of a danger on the roads than someone who’s just had a legal dose of methadone? I’ve never had a legal dose of methadone, admittedly, but considering it’s take to replace a hit of heroin, I’m pretty sure that the dosage will fuck you right up. A trace of a stimulant drug that speeds up your reactions, vs some meth head in his dream world?
Who exactly has made these decisions?
Secondly, where the Hell did this all spring from?
I literally only saw an article this morning.  If I’d had my usual prescription dose of crack before jumping on my bike, I could have been banned!  Or, in more serious terms – did you have time to check and arrange other transport instead of risking your prescription meds?
And lastly, I do wonder how this all compares to the tits who STILL use their mobile phones whilst driving?
And I mean, every single day I see lots of drivers with them, texting away in their lap without even looking at the road for seconds at a time.
That’s, what? A £60 fine when they get caught? Not that they ever do…
I can’t help thinking that I’d fancy my chances more against a driver on LSD than some twat updating their Facebook status as they drive…
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50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

I had this rant back in 2012.  I’m pretty sure the whole of society managed to agree on the fact that the books were utter shite.

Well, apparently not.

We have been treated to the film version!

Oh yes! Some skinny wench with ribs hanging out everywhere is now up on the big screen with her brooding-yet-powerful and equally as wooden co-star, and you get to sit in a cinema paddling away at your pink bits while everyone pretends to laugh about it all.

So here is my original blog on the ‘phenomenon’ – just replace the word ‘book’ with ‘film’ and feel free to go at it again:

You have probably been battered around your lady-parts lately by all this excitement over the book ’50 Shades Of Grey’ by E. L. James.

Everyone is going mental over it… err… ok – so by ‘everyone’ I mean the same kind of women who went mental over the Harry Potter books.  Of course, with this book being of actual adult material, it’s been attracting the interest of even more people than the scarf-wearing geeky twat for retards.

And speaking of twats – that’s pretty much what 50 Shades Of Grey is all about!Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for porn.  Just stop trying to dress it up as something else!

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Oh, sure – they’ll call it ‘erotic fiction’, but essentially that just means it’s all the writing from pornographic magazines compiled and expanded without the pictures.And ‘erotica’ is never just about straight sex anymore.  It’ll be whips, chains, spanking, klyster suits and two girls eating each others shit out of a cup!

Yes, I AM a bitter ex-writer of erotica – and I’ve had this rant before about how ‘erotica’ these days can’t just be about a couple having sex.  Apparently it’s not ‘sexy’ until a toy soldier gets shoved up someones arsehole.

So this book is pretty much designed to get women, in the words of ‘The Inbetweeners’, frothing at the gash.There will be lots of one-handed reading going on, if you know what I mean?

Even more astounding given this fact, is that so many people are trying to get hold of second-hand copies off others!?!

“Are the pages stuck together?”  Would be my first question!  Then I’d also be purchasing some disposable gloves and anti-bacterial gel.

I suppose one good thing that will come from this mass hysteria is that it may open up the market for erotic writing again… So maybe I should start reposting the stuff I used to put up for Sex Blog Thursday on MySpace?