‘Actor Hired To Play Batman’ Shocker!!!

Over the weekend, I’m sure that your Facebook feed was taken over by 24,000 posts, pictures, and geeky emo bullshit.

Not because they’ve killed off a Twilight or Harry Potter character – but because They have announced that Ben Affleck will be playing Batman in the next, err, ‘Batman’ movie.

Apparently, there are enough weirdo’s out there who have invented their own little comic book worlds inside their Sheldon Cooper-like noggins, that they expect anyone else to give a shit?

Maybe if they cry long and hard enough about it, the Batman makers will fire poor little Ben (Matt Damons [said in spakka voice] mate, for those who don’t know.), and hire their fat geeky ass or Robert -ing Patterson or whoever else they’ve invented as the ‘perfect’ Batman.

“He’s as bad as Val Kilmer!!!” they whine!

“He can’t act!” tweeted the very wooden Clive Owen in despair.

“Yes Gary!  Act!!” encouraged Spottswoode, before adding an “America! Fuck yeah!”.

“He’s almost as bad as that Granny-faced Unfunny Wimpy Geek Crap-acting Cunt Michael Cera!” one person (me) made up in mock-horror!

So WHY is he a bad choice?

Because you saw someone different in your head?

I was horrified at the thought of a Green Mile film after reading the books – but Tom Hanks did alright in it.

That’s kind-of the clever thing about actors.  They are there to, you know, act in films and stuff.  Until you’re doing the casting for a film, you can go fornicate yourself with an iron stick if you don’t like the choices.

And this stuff is even hitting news headlines?!

WTF?

Dum-de-dah… war declared by ‘Merka… ho-hum… missing schoolgirl… Miley’s ass…whatever… Batman to be played by Ben Affleck?!??  OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!

I mentioned Twilight and Potter fans because they are the same level of mental.

Batman fans are even worse than the comic-book kids, because even those kids wouldn’t give a shit who gets cast to play him in a damned film!

What the Hell is going on, here?  Or is it just me???

Things that piss me off about this even more:

He’s going to wear a -ing mask.

It’s TWO MOTHERFUNKING YEARS away!

It’s a fucking FILM!  A MOVIE!  This is NOT your new bastard President!!!

EDIT:  As I was adding the pics for this blog, I looked out the office window to see the Batmobile and the Trotters 3 wheeler van going past on a trailer.  Seriously.

And the Scooby Doo van has just appeared.  I got some pics:

FURTHER EDIT:

Then on my way home, I got stuck behind Batman for 10 -ing minutes!!!  Is it the Warner Bros Mafia who’ve already been sent out to get me for this blog???

 

 

Spiders, Spiders Everywhere! Plus My Brush With Death!!!

Have spiders got some sort of collective vendetta against just me at the moment – or is it everyone?

There aren’t all that many in the rest of the house, but every time I look up in my bedroom, Mini-Spider Hit Squad is moving into position surrounding me!

OK, they’re hardly going to eat me in my sleep, but I can’t say I’m too excited at the prospect of eating THEM in MY sleep, either!

So 6 had to die yesterday, and 4 the day before that.  And this morning another bugger was there!

But I suspect these are just the advance party.

Bigger beasties are lurking in the doorways…

I came home last week to find a medium-sized spiddy sat in the middle of his web – naked, no less!!!  AND it was blocking off the entire front door to my home!

What the fuck did he think he was up to???

Luckily, I hadn’t taken my bike gloves off at the time, so a swift right cross let him know his name wasn’t down, and he wasn’t coming in.

I think after 3 days of that, he either ended up in Spider Infirmary, or my cunning change to a back-handed knuckle strike felled the arsehole arachnid.

But lo and behold, a Morning Spiddy appeared for attack, covering the door so when I stepped out to ready my bike, I’d be covered in web like in one of those old Tarzan movies!

Luckily the spider never managed to sink his fangs into me, as I always escaped before it had chance but this morning was close!

Spiky hair is a bastard for collecting webs, too!

Then, as I rode my bike up the driveway towards the road, elated to be escaping my home without being mummified and having my juices sucked from me (and not in the good way that women can do), they had one last-ditch attempt!

Right at the top of the driveway, to my horror I spotted another Tarzan-catcher web, cunningly using an overhanging Holly Tree to cover my escape route.

And Harry The Hairy Spider was home!

I tried moving as far to my right as I could, but the left mirror sliced through the bottom support strand of the web as I rode my bike past.

This caused the whole Spider-Web combo to swing around in a huge arc, disappearing from my field of view around the side of my helmet.  Last known trajectory: the left side of the escaping biker.

Staring straight ahead lest I see hairy legs clinging to my visor, I opened the throttle and kept it open, ignoring the crawling/biting feelings on my poor exposed neck and from within my leathers.

If I’m lucky, the wee fucker is roadkill somewhere between my house and my workplace.

If I’m unlucky, he’ll be waiting for me back at home with a New Improved Web possibly promoted by Barry Scott of Cilit Bang fame.

If I’m REALLY unlucky, he’s to my side right now, hiding in the pile of leathers, waiting to jump on me when I next touch them, so that I scream like a girl and all the women in the office laugh at me

I -ing hate spiders!

Daddy Long Legs Plague!

This is a repost from a blog I wrote way back in 2006(!?!).  There isn’t a current plague, but if one happens after this, rest assured that it was me who predicted it, I’m ace, and you should tell everyone.

I’ve just had a bit of a chat in my lunch break where the subject of Daddy Long Legs came up – I stated that they are totally pointless creatures, whose only reason for existence is to fly around dangling thier legs over your face and freaking you out.  That reminded me of this rant I once had, when these buggers were EVERYWHERE one Summer.  Enjoy!

——

Yes, it’s Official (err, because I’ve said it) – there is current plague in the UK of Daddy Longlegs!

The gangly-dangly-legged buggers are all over the shop! They’ve obviously discovered some kind of Viagra, or their TV sets have packed up, or something, because they’ve been shagging more than a $2 hooker at a stag night.And why do they want to get in your house so badly? Any tiny window open and they storm it like a scene from Braveheart! It’s not like they do much when they get inside, either – they just flop around trying to drag their legs over your face, then sit on the wall doing bugger all! Maybe they are trying to watch your TV…

They could at least try and be entertaining. Or even be a bit more lively!I mean, come on! One out of ten for effort!

If they had voices, they’d have little whiney ones moaning about how it’s too hot, too cold, too far etc…

And I’d be the first to tell them to shut their bug-eyed, tiny-gobbed, horse-nosed faces!

Perhaps if they stung or bit it’d spice them up? But no – if you even try to grab them, all that happens is their legs drop off! Good thinking there, Lanky! Great defence!

The only thing they are good for is feeding all the spiders up so there’s loads of them in Extra Large Fat Bellied Size this year – and we don’t thank you for that, you dopey bastards!

So here’s to the Daddy Long Legs – feeble giver-upper of the insect world:

QUITTERS!!!!!!!!!!

Some info from Wikipedia (link now changed from original posting) – check these names out!!!:

Crane flies (Tilupidae) are a family of insects resembling giant mosquitoes. Like the mosquito, they are in the order Diptera (flies). They are sometimes called mosquito eaters, lollygaggers, gallinippers, gollywhoppers, chicken flies, mosquito hawks, leather jackets, Jimmy Spinners or skeeter eaters. Crane flies are also popularly called Daddy longlegs along with two other species.