Spiders, Spiders Everywhere! Plus My Brush With Death!!!
Have spiders got some sort of collective vendetta against just me at the moment – or is it everyone?
There aren’t all that many in the rest of the house, but every time I look up in my bedroom, Mini-Spider Hit Squad is moving into position surrounding me!
OK, they’re hardly going to eat me in my sleep, but I can’t say I’m too excited at the prospect of eating THEM in MY sleep, either!
So 6 had to die yesterday, and 4 the day before that. And this morning another bugger was there!
But I suspect these are just the advance party.
Bigger beasties are lurking in the doorways…
I came home last week to find a medium-sized spiddy sat in the middle of his web – naked, no less!!! AND it was blocking off the entire front door to my home!
What the fuck did he think he was up to???
Luckily, I hadn’t taken my bike gloves off at the time, so a swift right cross let him know his name wasn’t down, and he wasn’t coming in.
I think after 3 days of that, he either ended up in Spider Infirmary, or my cunning change to a back-handed knuckle strike felled the arsehole arachnid.
But lo and behold, a Morning Spiddy appeared for attack, covering the door so when I stepped out to ready my bike, I’d be covered in web like in one of those old Tarzan movies!
Luckily the spider never managed to sink his fangs into me, as I always escaped before it had chance but this morning was close!
Spiky hair is a bastard for collecting webs, too!
Then, as I rode my bike up the driveway towards the road, elated to be escaping my home without being mummified and having my juices sucked from me (and not in the good way that women can do), they had one last-ditch attempt!
Right at the top of the driveway, to my horror I spotted another Tarzan-catcher web, cunningly using an overhanging Holly Tree to cover my escape route.
And Harry The Hairy Spider was home!
I tried moving as far to my right as I could, but the left mirror sliced through the bottom support strand of the web as I rode my bike past.
This caused the whole Spider-Web combo to swing around in a huge arc, disappearing from my field of view around the side of my helmet. Last known trajectory: the left side of the escaping biker.
Staring straight ahead lest I see hairy legs clinging to my visor, I opened the throttle and kept it open, ignoring the crawling/biting feelings on my poor exposed neck and from within my leathers.
If I’m lucky, the wee fucker is roadkill somewhere between my house and my workplace.
If I’m unlucky, he’ll be waiting for me back at home with a New Improved Web possibly promoted by Barry Scott of Cilit Bang fame.
If I’m REALLY unlucky, he’s to my side right now, hiding in the pile of leathers, waiting to jump on me when I next touch them, so that I scream like a girl and all the women in the office laugh at me
I -ing hate spiders!