‘Most Haunted’ Rant

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of seeing this, it’s a UK TV programme where a bunch of paranoid schizophrenic cock-heads go mentalling about special ‘haunted’ sites attempting to film all kinds of spooky goings on.

What we get is some freakishly jittery little cunt who screams at everything and every two minutes will stare at nowhere and say “WHAT WAS THAT?!?” whilst grasping the cameramans todger in a vice-like grip.

Occasionally, she will point at a random ‘orb’ floating around looking ‘spookily’ like a torch beam or glass reflection.

Partnering her is the Psychic Medium Ghosty Woo Gaa-Gaa King.

‘Derek’ is a Scouser, who, after sniffing far too much glue in his teens, has figured out that he can call the shrieky little wench (‘Yvette’, if you’re interested) a “fucking bitch slut whore” in front of millions of TV viewers by simply putting on a rock ‘n roll snarl and saying he’s possessed by a ghost.

As the expert, he’ll also go all misty-eyed and distant, as he describes how an angry ghost called – Phil… Phillis… Fellatio? Oh yes, I mean Stan – once stomped through this stately home in anger after bad mojo made him wank himself to death in the 14th Century.

The camera crew are the ones who didn’t get through the auditions to do ‘The Blair Witch Project’ but their Mommy did buy them a camera that sees in the dark.

They also have a few random chubby people who need a sit down halfway through the episode, and mysteriously feel all ill and queasy.  Sometimes they’ll lay down in a bath and moan about how they’re slipping down as if some Evil Spirit is pushing them down and down and down.  Even though we can all see the cunt-wigs are just sat in a bath having a sook (one for you Aussies, there!).

Every 20 minutes or so, someone will pass out from boredom somewhere on set, causing a nice *THUMP* that will get everyone excited.

If nobody passes out in time, one or all of the crew will hear a thump or footsteps that the cameras weirdly won’t be able to pick up on their sound – but they DID hear it, ok???

Wait!

Did you hear that???

Yes – I’ve just shit in my own hand and thrown it at those paranormal mongs on the TV.

Please fuck off.  Please.

I guess at least it builds up an audience of desperate rubber-heads who will pay to keep the shitty fake Mediums in business…

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

You didn’t think I’d let this day pass without bitchslapping it around the back of the head, did you?  You DID?  Shame on you!

I used to like Halloween.  I still do, I guess… but all you fuckers are getting it all WRONG and ruining it!!!

It’s a pagan festival, where in England we all traditionally dress in masks with lanterns and go out and beat Priests and Vicars to death.

OK, so that might not be true, but either way it’s supposed to be scary and fun.

Did you hear that?  SCARY and fun.

Sure, take your kids around to old biddie’s houses and give them heart attacks, and throw a Halloween party, but what in the blue-arsed-baboon FUCK is all this about:

This is your typical Halloween costume these days.  Stupid shit like fairies and Alice-in-fucking-Wonderland and ‘sexy pirates’… fuck what have ANY damned pirates got to do with Halloween???

Ghouls… Werewolves… ok I’ll give you vampires, and they can be sexy, but that’s supposed to be a BY-PRODUCT of the whole vampire thing!  Halloween shouldn’t be about sexy costumes and trying to get laid!  Is it any wonder our kids are all fucking each other from the age of ten with this shit being forced down our (deep) throats?

So we used to dress up as murderous non-sexy creatures and try to extort cash and sweets from people.  We never took our PARENTS out with us!

How the hell are The Big Kids supposed to go out ‘Ghost Busting’* when their parents are stood behind them the whole time?

And when Little Johnny’s string-vested just-out-of-prison Dad is stood glaring at you from the top of your path, you feel strangely inclined to give them lots of money and sweets and a can of Tennant’s Super rather than tell them to Sod Off and slam the door in their face.

Do they still say “TRICK OR TREAT” when you answer the door, or is it just a moody “Give.” these days?  And what’s the ‘trick’?

Getting stabbed by a bunch of 16 year old Chavs with their hoodies up to look like ‘ghosts’?

We’ll probably do the same as last year, and just egg any little bastards that come around from the upper windows of our house, all hopped up on Red Bull and the boiled sweets we’ve bought for ourselves.

Witches… Ghosts… Spiders… Girl Scouts???

Give me a break!  It’s more like Fap-oween!

*Ghost Busting – when the Big Kids take the piss out of your costume, beat you up, and/or take all your money and sweets.  It was ‘fun’.

Letter Of Complaint To A Spider

Dear House Spiders

Going through my morning ritual today, ready to head off to work, I went to brush my teeth.

Now, because I’m aware of all the airborne ‘stuff’ that coats everything in range of a toilet, I keep my toothbrush in a plastic bag for cleanliness.

What I do not expect is to find some dirty little git of a spider to be sat INSIDE of that plastic bag!

Yes, this morning, one of you hairy-legged mongs was actually using my toothbrush!

Go ahead!  Make yourself at -ing home, there!!!

I’m sure spider dating has to move with the times just like human dating does, but if you’re going to shine up the old fangs I’m sure there’s something more spider-friendly than something I have to put in my mouth several times a day!

I’m fully aware that ‘statistics’ show we eat a few of you every year in our sleep, and I’d challenge you to explain exactly WHY you feel the need to squeeze your pudgy abdomen between our sleeping lips in the first place?  Perhaps, after this morning, that question is answered as you were on reconnaissance missions to explore the values of brushing your teeth?

So, leave my -ing toothbrush well alone in the future, stop drinking Coca Cola, and try flossing your own bloody fangs with your own disgusting 1970s leg hair!

There will be an act of retaliation for this.
Yours, outraged and horrified,
Nasty Evil Ninja

Porn Is Ruining Our Children

Every so often it flares up in the press and documentaries that the minds (and future sex lives) of our poor innocent children are being ruined by the Evils of pornography.

Getting my knees jerking in unison with theirs, they do have a point.

Almost everyone from a very young age has access to the internet, and even with the parental filters and stuff in place, the chances are a child will still be able to access, or at some point be subjected to a link containing pornography.

If you go to Google and search for porn, you will find it.  Thus, a child may well go online out of curiosity, and potentially have their first experience of sexual arousal whilst watching some slut being raped in the ass and giving a blue waffle and anal gaping.

Religious types have always been banging on about this being terrible, but the fact is that a lot of people’s later sexual preferences will be guided during this early, formative period.

If your first experience of sex is rough gonzo sex videos, there’s every chance that when you finally get to have real sex with a real woman, you will expect to be doing her in the butt, giving her a gagging blowjob, and cumming all over her face at the end.

This will be your view of what sex is, and more importantly, what GOOD sex is.  It will be what you expect to give and receive from sex.  The chances are you and all your mates will chat and laugh about how you fisted someone and then fucked their feet.

To compound this, most parents aren’t too willing to talk about sex, or by the time they do give Little Johnny the ‘Birds & Bees’ talk, he’s already into having threesomes and donkey-punching his girlfriend.

It’s too late.  Porn has ruined your child’s view of sex forever!

Who wants normal vanilla sex, all lovey-dovey and boring?

Hell, even todays erotic fiction (that their parents are reading openly in public – “50 Shades Of Grey” etc) is all about spanking and anal sex!

The future looks grim.  And it looks grim whilst suspended from its nipples in a klyster suit.

All this because porn is so easily available to our kids!

But wait a second!

What is ‘pornography’?

Well, that depends on who you ask.  Some would class a picture of a topless woman as ‘porn’ – some even a woman wearing a bikini.  It could be a video of a loving couple having slow sensuous sex as much as it is a midget sucking off a horse.

Who’s making this distinction?

And following on from that, if your kid is sat there watching ‘anal gape dogging’ porn, it’s most likely because they have specifically gone out and LOOKED for ‘anal gape dogging’ porn!

If you search for, on the other hand, ‘romantic lovers’, can you guess what results you might have returned?  There IS an absolute shitload of ‘nice’ porn out there, showing vanilla acts of sex, possibly between long-term couples who are most definitely both consenting to every act.

So the real problem isn’t porn.  It’s the TYPE of porn that your little shits are deliberately searching for!

And don’t get me wrong – I’d have sought out the nastiest stuff with my mates, too – it’s what kids do.  But I’d have also been able to make the distinction between what is acceptable human behaviour, and what is sick, derogatory, degrading, violent, or not very nice.

Because, you know, I’m not as pigshit thick and completely helpless like all kids today apparently are.  And you’d be hard-pressed to find a way that isn’t the fault of the parents – and not pornography…