Letter Of Complaint To A Spider

Letter Of Complaint To A Spider

Dear House Spiders

Going through my morning ritual today, ready to head off to work, I went to brush my teeth.

Now, because I’m aware of all the airborne ‘stuff’ that coats everything in range of a toilet, I keep my toothbrush in a plastic bag for cleanliness.

What I do not expect is to find some dirty little git of a spider to be sat INSIDE of that plastic bag!

Yes, this morning, one of you hairy-legged mongs was actually using my toothbrush!

Go ahead!  Make yourself at -ing home, there!!!

I’m sure spider dating has to move with the times just like human dating does, but if you’re going to shine up the old fangs I’m sure there’s something more spider-friendly than something I have to put in my mouth several times a day!

I’m fully aware that ‘statistics’ show we eat a few of you every year in our sleep, and I’d challenge you to explain exactly WHY you feel the need to squeeze your pudgy abdomen between our sleeping lips in the first place?  Perhaps, after this morning, that question is answered as you were on reconnaissance missions to explore the values of brushing your teeth?

So, leave my -ing toothbrush well alone in the future, stop drinking Coca Cola, and try flossing your own bloody fangs with your own disgusting 1970s leg hair!

There will be an act of retaliation for this.
Yours, outraged and horrified,
Nasty Evil Ninja

Spiders! They’re Coming To Get You!

Spiders! They’re Coming To Get You!

https://i2.wp.com/www.kendalluk.com/SPIDER13.gif

It’s that time of year when we’re suddenly under siege from spiders.

They’ve been hiding away growing -ing massive, and now they all decide they want to come and sit in your -ing living room, putting all their little feet up on your face whilst they watch the latest season of Big Brother.

Horrible little hairy-legged wank-faced twats!

If you walk around the streets in the evening, you’ll hear the piercing screech of women who’ve just discovered some house spider crawling over their Ugg boots.

https://i1.wp.com/www.thamesvalleybirds.co.uk/attachments/insect-invertebrate-macro-photographs/1795d1191909215-house-spider-tegenaria-domestica-house-spider-2.jpg

The men, choking back a scream themselves and leaving a small trail of wee like a fleeing rabbit, have to pretend they’re not bothered by spiders.

I have a pair of tonfa sticks that I use for the dual purpose of tomping unwanted burglars AND spiders.  The size of some of the buggers (spiders – not burglars) lately has meant I’ve had to take two swings just to break their backs!

One knew a bit of spider kung fu, and blocked and then rolled, escaping under the bed where you just KNOW that bastard will wait until you fall asleep and then smother your face with its big plump abdomen as it licks at the moisture off your eyeballs.

They say we eat 6 spiders a year in our sleep, on average.  Just what the frikkin’ FRICK are they doing climbing into your mouth in the first place?!  It’s not a -ing spa, you little boss-eyed shits!

And how are they move so fast?!  They never used to be this quick!  Have they discovered Red Bull, or something??

And that’s just inside your house.

Take a stroll up your garden path, and what do you see?

https://i2.wp.com/www.mooseyscountrygarden.com/garden-paths/laundry-path-stone-lavender-ferns.jpg

Nothing!

Because they -ing wait until it’s dark or the sun is in your eyes, and then, THEN they build webs Tarzan couldn’t have got out of.

And they hang there.  Huge fat squidgy body like a beer-bellied bully.

https://i2.wp.com/www.articlesweb.org/blog/wp-content/gallery/a-look-at-garden-spiders/a-look-at-garden-spiders-14.jpg

Waiting for you to come flailing through their webs waving your hands around like a schizophrenic drunk, and then they drop into the hood of your coat and wait until you’re 10 miles down the M42 at 90mph before they crawl inside your -ing ear!!!

I sprayed a filthy great house spider with 90% pure Isopropyl Alcohol last night.

What did he do?

He slowly turned around and staggered back into his little den behind the mantelpiece.

30 minutes later I heard a crash and saw he’d thrown out an empty can of Special Brew.

I’ve created an alcoholic tramp of a spider who’s probably breeding little chavvy spider kids behind my mantelpiece.

I’m either going to get the git on Jeremy Kyle, or when he comes out to walk his Pitbulls and have a spliff I’ll tonfa his ass.

And so the yearly battle begins…

https://nastyevilninja.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/ac1bc-ninja2bspider.png

Spiders! They’re Coming To Get You!

Spiders! They’re Coming To Get You!

https://i2.wp.com/www.kendalluk.com/SPIDER13.gif

It’s that time of year when we’re suddenly under siege from spiders.

They’ve been hiding away growing -ing massive, and now they all decide they want to come and sit in your -ing living room, putting all their little feet up on your face whilst they watch the latest season of Big Brother.

Horrible little hairy-legged wank-faced twats!

If you walk around the streets in the evening, you’ll hear the piercing screech of women who’ve just discovered some hose spider crawling over their Ugg boots.

https://i1.wp.com/www.thamesvalleybirds.co.uk/attachments/insect-invertebrate-macro-photographs/1795d1191909215-house-spider-tegenaria-domestica-house-spider-2.jpg

The men, choking back a scream themselves and leaving a small trail of wee like a fleeing rabbit, have to pretend they’re not bothered by spiders.

I have a pair of tonfa sticks that I use for the dual purpose of tomping unwanted burglars AND spiders.  The size of some of the buggers (spiders – not burglars) lately has meant I’ve had to take two swings just to break their backs!

One knew a bit of spider kung fu, and blocked and then rolled, escaping under the bed where you just KNOW that bastard will wait until you fall asleep and them smother your face with its big plump abdomen as it licks at the moisture of your eyeballs.

They say we eat 6 spiders a year in our sleep, on average.  Just what the frikkin’ FRICK are they doing climbing into your mouth in the first place?!  It’s not a -ing spa, you little boss-eyed shits!

And how are they so fast?!  They never used to be!  Have they discovered Red Bull, or something??

And that’s just inside your house.

Take a stroll up your garden path, and what do you see?

https://i2.wp.com/www.mooseyscountrygarden.com/garden-paths/laundry-path-stone-lavender-ferns.jpg

Nothing!

Because they -ing wait until it’s dark or the sun is in your eyes, and then, THEN they build webs Tarzan couldn’t have got out of.

And they hang there.  Huge fat squidgy body like a beer-bellied bully.

https://i2.wp.com/www.articlesweb.org/blog/wp-content/gallery/a-look-at-garden-spiders/a-look-at-garden-spiders-14.jpg

Waiting for you to come flailing through their webs waving your hands around like a schizophrenic drunk, and then the drop into the hood of your coat and wait until you’re 10 miles down the M42 at 90mph before they crawl inside your -ing ear!!!

I sprayed a filthy great house spider with 90% pure Isopropyl Alcohol last night.

What did he do?

He slowly turned around and staggered back into his little den behind the mantelpiece.

30 minutes later I heard a crash and saw he’d thrown out an empty can of Special Brew.

I’ve created an alcoholic tramp of a spider who’s probably breeding little chavvy spider kids behind my mantelpiece.

I’m either going to get the git on Jeremy Kyle, or if he comes out for a spliff I’ll tonfa his ass.

And so the yearly battle begins…

https://i0.wp.com/1.bp.blogspot.com/_V35DmMtv2vA/TAqE5j7yReI/AAAAAAAAADw/B0cvClPbsB8/s1600/ninja%2Bspider.png

Chompy The Secret Pet Spider – Where Are You?

Chompy The Secret Pet Spider – Where Are You?

Chompy is a secret pet of mine, that I’ve had and trained for months.

Most of you will know that I hate spiders. That’s ok, because they hate me right back. If I see them they die. If they’re too bif to stamp on or whack with a rolled-up Bromsgrove Standard, then they get shot with my air pistol.

This war has been going on for years.

I did allow a small spider caller Tarquinn to live in my bedroom for months, before he was found dead in a freak accident involving a Micro Machines Porsche 911 and possibly the Ipswich strangler (I might re-post the blog sometime), and last year there was a small jumping spider we named Pedro who lived on my desk at work until some hot-desking Nobber went and drowned him in a can of Coca Cola.

I first saw Chompy sat by the base of the toilet, where he had a spot he’d relax in (do spiders ever relax? I’m pretty sure they’re like some kind of paranoid psychopath hopped up on super strength amphetamines permanently, but whatever…) which came as quite a shock to me at first, in that “ACK! THERE’S A -ING SPIDER THERE!!!” kind of way you get when you see an unexpected spider. I grabbed the toilet brush and had a quick go at crushing his head, but he swiftly turned around and ambled off underneath the skirting board.

Partly because people think I’m a big jessie to be scared of a spider, and maybe partly because I’m getting older and more tolerant, I decided that I’d give Chompy the chance to live in harmony with me. The deal was he’d stay out the way, going back under the skirting board when I took a dump, and he’d NEVER sneak up and surprise me, and in return I’d let him have a go at eating the horde of Silverfish that invade our bathroom whenever the lights go out.  It was a good deal!

Chompy was a good learner, and only once snuck out while I was sat on my throne and tried to lick my heel. When he heard me make a tiny strangled noise of fear and lift my leg up above my head possibly shooting out a bit of scared poo, he turned around and went back under his skirting board in shame.

He grew quickly on his diet of Silverfish, and got to be a good healthy size – much bigger than any spider I’d usually keep around (in one piece, anyway!).

My fiancée Lill Boo didn’t believe me at first that Chompy existed, and of course I never told her where to look, and he had a fair few months before she caught sight of him (only recently) and I had to come clean about him and where he lived.

After several days with no sign of Chompy, I’m worried for him.

Have I offended him?

Has he grown too fat on Silverfish, and got stuck under the skirting board?

Has something even more sinister happened to him?

I still call his name as I head up the stairs each day, hoping… hoping…

Where’s Chompy? I miss you, man!

Spiders In The Workplace???

Spiders In The Workplace???

How come you never see spiders in your workplace?

I mean, when you’re at home, it’s a pretty regular occurance to see a big old spiddy making a break for it across the living room carpet, or sat there on the wall trying to intimidate you.

The big buggers, I mean – not the little runts.

In all my time of working, I think I’ve witnessed one big spiddy at work.

You might say that it’s because of the work cleaners, but come on!  I’m pretty sure they’re crap compared to The Wife or Mother that every home should have!  Plus there are a lot more places at work that will never be touched.  So I’m not accepting that it’s the cleaners, because even then some of the critters are bound to have a little gallop around the place at some point.

So why at home and never at work???

Are all spiders dole-dossing, layabout, work-avoiding, adolescent scum???

The bastards.