Letter Of Complaint To A Spider

Dear House Spiders

Going through my morning ritual today, ready to head off to work, I went to brush my teeth.

Now, because I’m aware of all the airborne ‘stuff’ that coats everything in range of a toilet, I keep my toothbrush in a plastic bag for cleanliness.

What I do not expect is to find some dirty little git of a spider to be sat INSIDE of that plastic bag!

Yes, this morning, one of you hairy-legged mongs was actually using my toothbrush!

Go ahead!  Make yourself at -ing home, there!!!

I’m sure spider dating has to move with the times just like human dating does, but if you’re going to shine up the old fangs I’m sure there’s something more spider-friendly than something I have to put in my mouth several times a day!

I’m fully aware that ‘statistics’ show we eat a few of you every year in our sleep, and I’d challenge you to explain exactly WHY you feel the need to squeeze your pudgy abdomen between our sleeping lips in the first place?  Perhaps, after this morning, that question is answered as you were on reconnaissance missions to explore the values of brushing your teeth?

So, leave my -ing toothbrush well alone in the future, stop drinking Coca Cola, and try flossing your own bloody fangs with your own disgusting 1970s leg hair!

There will be an act of retaliation for this.
Yours, outraged and horrified,
Nasty Evil Ninja