Following on from my rant yesterday about everyones knee-jerk reaction to children grappling inside a ‘cage’, watching the news today confirmed why people are even thinking this way.

So what was todays ‘Get Nasty Evil Ninja Swearing And Wanting To Slap The Eyebrows Off People’ story?

School bans leather footballs from playground

*breathes deeply and counts to 10*

So, in case any of the little darlings in our schools get hurt whilst standing around in the areas where other children are playing ball games, schools across the UK have started to ban the use of traditional leather footballs in favour of sponge balls.

Yeah?!  I’ll tell you who’s got the fucking sponge balls!  YOU, YOU HEALTH & SAFETY COCK-NOSES!!!

We’re already shit at football in England, and now they’re taking away the realism of even learning to hone our skills in the playground?  Get real!

If you get hit in the head with a ball, then chances are you were playing in the same area as they were playing ball games.  Or playing the game yourself.  Either way it’s tough titty!

What next?  Ban kids from running around lest they have a little fliddy fall over and tear their petticoat?

Ban them from bending down or jumping?

Hopscotch?  Jumping on ONE leg?  Oh no no no!  They must now walk, trying to keep both feet on the floor and wearing a special helmet, elbow and knee pads!

Our kids are already getting more retarded with each year, so how the Hell is pandering to the lowest common denominator helping anyone?  Let the clumsy little bastards hurt themselves and they might learn not to do it again – don’t change the whole fucking World around them to make amends!


They already brought in a rule years ago that kids aren’t allowed to play conkers without first wearing protective goggles, games like British Bulldog was banned on the first day of every term all through my school life, and I’ve even heard from a friend in Canada that they’ve banned the netting on the backs of the goal in case kids ‘get tangled up in them’!?!

They can’t even do Sack Races in school sports days, incase they fall over…  Not that they’d be allowed to win or lose the race, anyway…

Do they still let kids do science lessons?  I’m sure craft lessons are long gone to stop them accidentally stabbing themselves or bludgeoning each other to death with cotton reels and crepe paper!

It’s time the fuck-tards in charge of Health and Safety accept that humans have been doing this crap for centuries without dying out.  Surely Judges and solicitors can get real and throw out cases on the grounds of Darwinism?

Yeah, the meek are inheriting the Earth, alright…


Should Children Do Cage Fighting?

Should Children Do Cage Fighting?

I saw a news report (so expect a rant) this morning where everybody was getting all uppity because two children have been ‘Cage Fighting’.

Here’s the BBC report: Boys’ fight in cage ‘very barbaric’ says Jeremy Hunt


Right, which Nob Head even labelled this ‘cage fighting’?  Ok, so it’s in a cage, much like adult Mixed Martial Art (MMA) fighters go at it – but if I’m not mistaken that’s simply because they were fighting at the adult event?

On the report, they also said that there was NO striking allowed at all.  Therefore this was NOT MMA – it was just a grappling match.

Does that get you dropping your pitchforks if they called it a ‘Grappling Match’ instead of ‘cage fighting’?

One ‘expert’ even said that he was fine with children doing wrestling, but some of the moves these kids were doing could have caused serious damage if they’d made a mistake.



Wrestling is fake.  The whole point of wrestling is to perform stupidly over-the-top moves that would most likely kill anybody in real life!  MMA grappling moves technically can’t be performed with a ‘mistake’, because the whole purpose is to be able to adapt a move based on what your opponent does to stop you doing it!  It’s not scripted!

He also said he didn’t mind children doing this sort of thing in a controlled environment.  Could it be any more controlled than a martial art with worldwide support, which had paramedics and doctors at the ringside?  And add to this expert fighters who’ve spent their whole lives studying and are passing their best knowledge on to these children.  FFS do these people even think before they open their mouth?

So these kids weren’t wearing any padding or headguards.  Boo-hoo!  Get over it!  For one, let me just say again THERE WAS NO STRIKING, and secondly how often do kids get hurt playing the non-contact sport of football?

We don’t need your stupid politically correct protection!

These idiots have no idea about martial arts – especially grappling, where you can’t wear padding because if you do you can’t perform the techniques… or your opponent will use your padding to hurt you.

Does it need to be in a barbaric cage?  No.  And I bet they rarely do fight inside an octagonal cage – much like how boxers will rarely fight inside a ring.  These kids had probably trained for years in a dojo on padded mats before this.

This is nothing new.  Take away the labels and cage, and what we have is two children having a Judo match.

It’s just that the knee-jerk idiots will blow this out of all proportion as their latest crusade, and get it banned when its something that kids want, love, and might actually teach them some discipline.  And stop them sitting eating Greggs pasties and playing on a Nintendo DS whilst getting fat, then having a riot…


Utterly Shit New Facebook Feed – Go And Die

Utterly Shit New Facebook Feed – Go And Die

All day I saw people whinging about yet more new and unoptoutable (is that a word?) changes that Facebook were making.  I couldn’t see much difference apart from some of my groups in the list were missing.  Or MORE, I should say, as the rest disappeared a while back during other changes…

Getting back tonight and sitting down with a nice monkfish tail and noodles, I called up Facebook and… It’s here!


What, in the blue-arsed spasticated baboons arse of a CUNT have they gone and done now?!?

For fucks sake!

I’m greeted with ‘Top Stories’.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Good idea, but useless to me.  How do I change it back?  I can’t??

Ok, so I go down the list of posts on my news feed, and click the options tag to the right of their post, to find that by default, I’m only going to see ‘most’ of that friends posts on Facebook.  I have to go through the 300-odd (some very odd) friends on their individually to change this so I can see ALL their posts like before??  FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU RIGHT UNDER THE FINGERNAILS WITH THE EDGE OF A CORRUGATED PIZZA BOX, YOU UTTER CUNTS!!!!


Surely the default setting should be to see ALL posts, and in time order from the most recent??  That’s the whole fucking point of Facebook??

I’m only on there to keep in touch with friends, and more importantly to be ENTERTAINED by what they say!  I like to think some on there will be ENTERTAINED by what I post, too!

But are they even seeing it now?  Am I seeing them?

Have they sold Facebook to MySpace?  Because I loved that place until they utterly fucked it up to the point where I scrapped my 1 million view blog to start again from scratch on a site that wasn’t shit!

Facebook has done even worse, because where MySpace simply ignored anything to do with blogs, FaceFuck has directly fucked up the entire point of being there.


*applauds sarcastically*

And you film was shit, too.


https://i0.wp.com/www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Fuck_You403.jpg Facebook, being the ball that Facebook dropped, yesterday.

Yeah, So I Lived In A Haunted Cottage – I turned Out (kind-of) OK!

Yeah, So I Lived In A Haunted Cottage – I turned Out (kind-of) OK!

I’ve mentioned in previous blogs that I’ve had ‘encounters’ with ghosty-type stuff.

From when I was about one year old until I was 5, I lived in a tiny cottage with my Nan, Mother, Grandparents and brother. It was one of those Tudor (?) type ones – all black and white and beams and stuff. My Grandparents (on my Mothers side) both died when I was young, so I’m a little hazy over the timelines. Actually there’s a story about my Gran I’ll have to tell, too…

One of my earliest memories is us all sitting in the living room, and hearing footsteps walking across the room above us. At the time it was my Grandparents room, and there was a big double bed in the middle of the room. The footsteps would go straight through the bed, but my Granddad would simply say “She’s walking again.” And that was it. It was also a regular thing to hear someone descending the stairs, then when they reached the bottom, the door at the bottom of the steps would blow open with some ‘freak gust of wind’. And to us it was just normal!

I have to tell this story: Once my Gran was really ill with an ulcer on her leg which had burst. She was bed-ridden. People would go and check on her through the day, and take her food etc.

One day, when someone went to check on her, she said “Who was the visitor I had earlier?”

She hadn’t had any visitors that day. But she insisted “She was sat on that chair over there with a baby in her lap. She didn’t say much, but she had a nice smile.”

Of course, it was put down to her illness and delirium…

When my Grandparents had both died (come to think of it my Granddad died in that room of a massive heart attack!), me and my brother had separate beds moved into that room. Now, I only remember it as being every so often, but apparently every single night I slept in that room, I would wake up screaming.

But I DO remember the reason.

I would wake up, and there’d be no air. The bedclothes were over my head. I was in darkness and the air was getting thin. Usually this was when the panic hit and I’d start screaming until good old Mumsy came in and got me out.

But I was a bright kid (believe it or not), and so sometimes when it happened – and I can remember doing this – I’d stay calm, and work my way around all the edges of the bedclothes, trying to find a way out. All the time in the pitch black with the air going and panic rising. But I could NEVER find a way out – however much and for how long I searched, I’d have to scream for help eventually…

Some relevant facts we found out more than 10 years later:

The ‘apparition’ (there’s plenty more sightings of her by lots of people) is thought to be Miss Morris.

It’s believed she had a baby, but for some reason (possibly post-natal depression) she killed her baby….

……….By suffocating it in its cot.


Better Than A Poke In The Eye With A Sharp Stick?

Better Than A Poke In The Eye With A Sharp Stick?


Last night, I rode in the darkness (and without my trusty tinted visor) for the first time in months.

I was a bit rusty.  It takes a while to get all your confidence back in night riding.  A big part of riding a bike is looking through the corner to the exit, but of course the headlights only shine forwards, so essentially you can’t really see, and have to totally readjust your riding style.

Added to this, you can’t see the potholes and dead badgers.

And it was drizzling with rain.

I headed off down the country lanes, being very sensible, and it wasn’t long before a car approached from the opposite direction.

I was riding on high-beam headlights so as not to end up sniffing the hedgerows, and, as I always do, was riding with my thumb over the high beam switch.

This is a very simple concept:

When you shine a 6,000 watt light into someones eyes at night, they have trouble seeing.  If they are driving two tonne of metal or riding a bike at the time, this makes for a dangerous situation for all concerned.  Especially with rain to refract the light so that it blinds you even more.


When traveling down your average country lane, you can see a vee-hick-al coming the other way very clearly, because their headlights illuminate the hedgerows and can be seen with a clear view from miles away.  At worst, you have a good few seconds notice that someone is coming around the same corner in the opposite direction.

ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL you have to do is flick that -ing switch back to dip-beam BEFORE your lights are shining directly at the oncoming vee-hick-al, and all is right and good in the world.

It’s that simple.  See the reflection of lights approaching, dip your headlights.

It’s common fucking sense.

So why does every braindead zombie cunt-wig leave their lights on high beam until I take both my hands off the bars, covering my face and screaming like some bloody Triffid has spat in my face, slowing to a 2mph crawl as I try to wobble to the left of the brain-searing source of the light without dying???

And what can you do about it???

‘Bastard Instinct’ makes you flash your lights at them, but all this really does is blinds them, meaning you’re even more likely to die.  So this can’t be the best plan, can it?

Or there’s getting on the old Noddy horn, but this is a bit Ghey.  Most bike horns sound like a virgin farting in a lift, anyway.  It’s not very intimidating.

How would the Law look on someone who is half blind turning around, chasing down some High Beam Twat, dragging them out of their car, and beating them to death with their own brainstem?


[RANT OFF] https://i2.wp.com/www.smartdriving.co.uk/Assets/Driving_Assets/Photos/headlights.png 

The Romantic Passion That Women Dream Of…

The Romantic Passion That Women Dream Of…

Lowering his hand back to his side, he waited eagerly at the door to her house.

How long had it been?  Three weeks?

Whatever – it felt like ten times that!

His heart started to race as his mind flashed to the near future.  She’d open the door to him, and they would fling their arms around each other – an embrace tight enough that it would be as if they were physically trying to rejoin their souls.

He’d force himself to slow down, to pull back and look at her face; into her beautiful eyes.  He’d take in that smile, and the burning desire in her eyes.

Cupping a hand to the perfect line of her jaw and cheek, he’d be helpless to put his lips anywhere but to hers.  He’d relish the soft warm texture of her, the taste of her making him soar almost out of his body.  She always made him high.  Even if his last kiss had been two minutes ago.

She’d run the fingers of one slender hand through his hair, pulling him closer, and he would trace his fingertips down her back, maybe feeling her shiver and sink against him.

Then they’d reluctantly break off the kiss, the welcoming smile now gone from her gorgeous mouth, and replaced by the dark-eyed need of passion.

Without a word, she’d take his hand and lead him inside, and he’d already be there with her – no place he’d rather be, wrapping her in his arms and kissing her deeply again as the door slammed shut unnoticed.

She’d want him, right there, right now – and it would be like a three-legged race (in more ways than one) to get up the stairs, neither even aware of the journey until the soft bedsheets were beneath them, and buttons were popped open – zippers unzipped.

The first shudders of delight as private flesh felt a brief glimpse of the cool air, before more warm skin enveloped the area, kissing, sucking, fingers playing softly over what was now hard.

The race would still be on, and the first sign of slowing pace would be as he slid inside her for that first time – that first time that they both relished so much, holding there, open-mouthed in pleasure, kissing once more before moving with each other.

Their cries of ecstatic release would be the first wordless exchange between them, followed by the unspoken “I love you” as they nuzzled together, breathing hard, now kissing softly and wanting to wrap around each other forever…

The door opened and snapped him back to the present.

She smiled.

He stepped forwards to take her in his arms.

She stepped aside, letting him inside the house, a tender hug and a quick delicate kiss.

“Don’t mess up my lip gloss!” She said, smoothing out imaginary creases in her dress from the hug.

“Go and sit down.”  She motioned him towards the couch as she carried on getting ready.

Here’s the reality of romance, he mused, heart hardening like a lump of discarded clay.

Here’s where all their dreams of romance and passion really end up.


Erotic Writing – A Warning And A Whinge!

Erotic Writing – A Warning And A Whinge!


I first started blogging back in the MySpace days of glory under this name because it wasn’t the name anybody knew.  This was partly to see if some of my writing and rants could make the charts even without my regular readers… but mainly so I could write the stuff that I couldn’t get away with anywhere else.  Like relationship problems and some of my more, ahem, controversial writing.

With the move to WordPress and the advent of Facebook, that kind-of knocked it all on the head.  If you’re on my Facebook, then the chances are you’ll have at least seen my blogs.  This is A Bad Thing, when you consider Facebook people are Real people I might have to see on a daily basis.


That said, since MySpace went shit and died like a palsied ferret after falling down a well, I have been reposting some of my old blogs on WordPress.  Both because I’ve had requests, and because I think they need to go on here, they’re going to be here eventually.

So, yeah… If you know me personally and are reading this, I’m afraid that I WILL be reposting the old ‘Sex Blog Thursday’ pieces on here when I fu- sorry, PLUCK the courage up.  If you don’t like it – don’t read it.

And another thing about all this ‘erotic’ writing!

Correct me if I’m wrong, but ‘erotic’ does not mean ‘kinky, perverted shit’!  Or does it???

It seems to me that the majority of ‘erotic’ pieces have to involve whips and chains and biting and stuff!  what’s it all about?


To me, proper erotica is more about the subtler descriptions of sex.  Basically a toned-down version of the stories you get in porn mags – better written, and conveying some kind of feelings between the subjects.

OK, so that could include bondage and all that, but it’s not ‘normal’ sex, is it?

I’ve never been tied up or tied anyone up for sex.

There’s been no spanking during my sex play (err, apart from a few times taking the piss).

No riding crops and nipple clamps have ever been produced by my lovers – nor has blood been drawn.  Not that I’ve ever been pleased about, anyway!

I haven’t been called ‘Daddy’, or dripped hot wax over anyone’s nether regions!

I’m British, don’tcherknow!!!


Yet almost all ‘erotic’ stuff on MySpaz or anywhere seems to involve some serious kinky shit.

Now sex outside and all that could be seen as ‘kinky’ by some.  What I class as ‘kinky’ is anything that you would be reserved about asking a new partner to do/be a part of before you’ve subtly sounded them out.  Let’s face it – if you whip out a pony-tail buttplug, your new partner could well run screaming/laughing from the bedroom.

Maybe it’s because a lot of erotica is fantasy, and this kind of kinky shit is actually every womans fantasy, deep down?  Most writers in this field are women, anyway.

Or is it just that the less kinky women never bother to write erotica?

Is the ‘normal’ erotica a bit, well, boring?

What’s kinky to you – and has anyone ever tried to take something too far and it’s made you laugh/scream/run away?

Am I just all innocent and inexperienced?


Rough Sex Buggy Style!!!

Rough Sex Buggy Style!!!

So, you think you’ve had some rough sex in your time, do you?

Felt like you’ve fucked a cheesegrater so hard that it snapped your back?

Still nothing on these little blighters, I’m afraid:

Bizarre Gender-Bender Bugs Baffle Scientists
By Charles Q. Choi
Special to LiveScience


Scientists have discovered a real gender-bender of a bug, a species in which most females impersonate males.

Past research had already revealed the male bugs possessed fake female genitalia.

“We ended up uncovering a hotbed of deception,” said evolutionary biologist Klaus Reinhardt at the University of Sheffield in England. “Nothing like this exists anywhere else in the animal kingdom.”

Reinhardt and his colleagues investigated remote and dangerous bat caves in East Africa for the bloodsucking African bat bug (Afrocimex constrictus), a close relative of the bed bug. The bats were reportedly hosts for Ebola and other lethal viruses.

“We had to work in containment suits with full-faced respirators in sweltering temperatures for hours at end,” Reinhardt said. Sex among bat bugs (as with bed bugs) is violent.

During copulation, males of these species pierce the abdomens of their mates with their genitals and ejaculate directly into their blood.

The researchers originally set out to investigate bat bugs in the hopes of shedding light on “one of nature’s strangest phenomena — why males had female genitalia,” Reinhardt said.

Unlike bed bugs, male African bat bugs have bogus female genitals—a fact the scientists freely call “bizarre.” Past research found they mate with each other as well as with females. Although the sham genitals are convincingly intricate, they do not have a covering over them as real female genitals do.

Surprisingly, the scientists have now discovered that female African bat bugs practiced gender-bending also by impersonating males. Only one out of six females possessed conventional female genitals, while the rest had genitals resembling the fakes seen on males.

By masquerading as males, females enjoy less sexual attention. Given that sex leads to wounding in these bugs, Reinhardt and his colleagues suggest avoiding the trauma of sex makes sense. Indeed, the researchers discovered females that impersonated males had far less fewer than more conventional females.

As to why any females still retain conventional genitalia given the wounds they accrue—”no idea,” Reinhardt told LiveScience. Normal females might lay more eggs, “but in order to address this question you would need controlled lab studies, and we have not yet succeeded in breeding these animals.”

It also remains a mystery as to why males possess sham female genitals. Scientists think the males might genitally stab any adult bat bug, so one conjecture as to why males evolved bogus female genitals involves guiding stabs to relatively safe parts of the anatomy.

“Our results suggest that the battle of the sexes is a very powerful evolutionary force which can result in very bizarre adaptations,” Reinhardt said.

Reinhardt and his colleagues will detail their findings in a forthcoming issue of the journal American Naturalist.

Come On Then, You Hairy-Legged Bastards!!!

Come On Then, You Hairy-Legged Bastards!!!

This blog was originally posted in August 2007 on another site.  I’m re-posting it as there seems to be another plague of these huge spiders – except I haven’t seen a single one in my house so far!  You’ll have to excuse the crap camera phone pics:

Old Mr Spooky-Giblets has done it again!

A year ago, when I posted about the Plague Of Daddy Long Legs in the UK, I predicted this would happen!

Now, here is what I was greeted with as I was heading to bed last night:

That’s a spiddy that you wouldn’t get a pint glass over without seriously ‘remodeling’ the length of his legs.

As if they were planning some sort of peaceful -ing poker game or something, as I looked towards the other walls I saw this:

And this:

Ooh yes – the pics don’t show them in their full hairy-assed badness, but these are all the same size as Mr T’s head.

So I shot them with an airpistol.  Fuck them.

Ok, so I shot two of them.  The first one, I took out a trusty Tonfa stick, and after two attempts to mash me some arachnid brains, his Ninja skills proved more than my own, and, dropping to the floor, he galloped off under the telephone table.  By the time I’d got downstairs, he was nowhere to be seen.  Keep an eye on the next Grand National, because that thing needed a damn saddle on, and I’d happily whip it before it left the enclosure!  Either way it’d be a winner!

As all modern Ninja should have some firearms skill, I took no chances with the other two.

And they weren’t alone!

I’ve killed another three equally well-bred beasties in my house in the previous two nights!

I mean, you don’t often see a Bastard of spiders (that’s the collective name for a group of them) this size!  They don’t get on!  One of those fkrs patrolling the halls like the school bully who got made a Prefect is more than enough in one household.

Even scarier, they don’t get that big overnight – so where the hell were they all hiding???

I don’t know how long spiders live, but I’d bet any money that these are all at least a year old and the product of those dopey bastard Daddy Long Legs that we got millions of last Summer!

Well done to them!

*claps sarcastically*


As I was posting this blog, I saw what I believe to be Gallopy on the sofa opposite me!  This time I tomped him with the TV Guide (two hits), and put the carcass on a box of Silk Cut to give a size reference!  Bear in mind his legs aren’t what they were in his running days, and stretched out they were at least twice what you see here:

The Best Martial Arts Films Of All Time!

The Best Martial Arts Films Of All Time!

I’ve been doing various martial arts since I was 8 years old. It’s more than just a part of my life – martial arts principles and philosophies actually form a huge base of my every waking moment.

But what are my all-time favourite films?

I’m glad you asked, because here they are:


Roadhouse – Ok, so this isn’t a pure martial arts film, as such, but I feel it needs to be included. The main reason for this is Sawyze’s ‘Throat Ripping’ move. Legend has it, that if anyone pushes him too far, he’ll rip their throat out and watch them die. How fucking cool is that? Near the end he does it, and leaves the Bad Guy’s corpse face down in the river. Have at you! For years after, if anyone would have got me REALLY angry, I’m sure I’d have ripped their throats out! Rarr!!! And there’s another thing – however ‘hard’ you think Swayze is through the film (or any of his ‘hard’ films) there is the inevitable moment where he does a flying kick that looks so blatantly Ballet-Gay, you just want to bitchslap the Mo Fo and break his legs for being such a damn fairy!


Rocky – All of these films are entertaining to watch, although again, the actual boxing moves are rarely a large part. The down-an-out Bum triumphs over the unstoppable bad guys! Yay!!!

“I will break you.”


ANY Steven Segal Film – they’re all pretty damn shit, as far as storyline and stuff goes – especially after he turned all hippie. But the guy really is a true Master of Aikido. One thing he stands firm on in his films is that the techniques are shown in full detail. He’s also so fast that he has to slow down the moves or the camera would miss them, much like Bruce Lee had to. There are clips around of Segal teaching and giving Aikido demonstrations for real – check that shit out and tell me he isn’t one bad little screw-head? His role in all his films is someone who’s got so much skill he’s untouchable and unbeatable – which is cool as hell, but gets a bit tired… Any of his films are choc-full of Trap-‘N’Snap moves. Mmm.


The Karate Kid 1 & 2 – These are pretty much one film. I love them! I’ll watch them whenever they’re on even now! They have it all, especially when you’re a young teen. Little weakling Danny La Rousso gets bullied by nasty Karate gang, he trains with wise old Mr Miyagi and then whupps all their asses in a tournament, despite their dirty tactics. Oh, and the music is so cheesy it’s cool. I have it all on my hard drive… But what a -ing ponce little Daniel-San is when he fights?! My God, even though I’m routing for the runt, even I want to see him get battered. STOP BEING SUCH A PANSY AND HIT HIM!!!! Crane kick? GAYYYYYYY!

To be fair his snap punches were lovely, and when I fought in Karate competitions back in the day – I wore a head band, too… Oh the shame… (I still have my headband)


The Drunken Master – Actually I’d recommend just about all of Jackie Chans films. This is one of the early dubbed ones, set in Ancient China. It’s funny as hell, mixed with tragedy. All of Chan’s films are highly entertaining and the guy amazes me how he moves. The highlight of this film, after being pretty light and jokey all the way through, is when The Master demonstrates the true Drunken Master technique. Suddenly it all goes dark and serious, as he displays the truly awesome power of this deadly style. “Snake In Eagles Shadow” is probably my next favourite.


The Last Samurai – Oh my God – it’s a Tom Cruise film! That major flaw aside, I love this. It has real atmosphere, and is a great insight into the Samurai way of life in feudal Japan. Although I could tell you things about Samurai that would make you hate them, in this instance they are the Good Guys, trying to cling to and defend their honourable way of life against the Age Of The Gun and industrialisation and all that nasty modern stuff. Tom was training the Gun People when he was captured by the Samurai, and he lives in their village, learning their ways and eventually fighting for them against the people he was training. An excellent lesson in how modern times have fucked up everyones sense of honour and peaceful living. The bastards. The scenes where a young Samurai boy is play-fighting with Tom with bokken (heavy oak training swords) is brilliant, as is his training against the other samurai as he gets better.

Man, I can’t say enough about this film – it gets me all emotional just thinking about it! It teaches a lot of the principles from ‘The Hagakure’ – which should be the bible for living your life. I shall watch it tonight!


American Samurai – This is one of the cheesiest films ever made – but also the best for weapons fighting! Little white boy is orphaned or rescued by a Japanese family, where he grows up and trains alongside the Japs own son, Kenjiro. They both get good, but as they get older Kenjiro turns Bad, and eventually goes all Yakuza and disowns the family, after calling the American ‘brother’ a “Geijin!”. The Yank goes to live in America, then years later (can’t remember if he’s kidnapped or goes poking about) he finds himself fighting in an underground tournament, where people enter with their choice of weapons.

There’s some excellent Wu Shu type fighting, and some cool as fuck bloke who fights with two swords and has a blade in his long ponytail, that he whips out. And his trick is to run up the wall, flip over, and land behind the opponent.

There’s some serious slicing and dicing. Of course, there’s a huge redneck bloke who enters with a fucking hunting knife. Err… WTF??? Of course, the tournament champion is none other than Kenjiro, who’s practising his vastly superior chopping skills and winning everything. He lops the big redneck clean in twain, as he’s shouting and trying to act all scary. Serves him right.

The two ‘brothers’ match up at the end, and it’s a damn good fight – Samurai to Samurai. I need to get this on DVD!


The Fighter – This is the only modern martial arts film worth watching.  This is the story of boxer ‘Irish’ Mickey Ward and his rise from being completely overshadowed by his local hero brother through to becoming a contender for the Welterweight championship.

Unlike Rocky, this IS a proper boxing film without huge Russians and melodrama.  There is plenty of real-life drama, though!  Mickeys big brother has fallen from his days of boxing fame and into the use of crack cocain, and their family is so dysfunctional, unfair, and just plain nasty that you’ll find yourself shouting at the screen.  All the acting is top notch (especially from the lovely Amy Adams playing Mickeys girlfriend) and it will entertain even those with no interest at all in boxing.


Kickboxer – Tong Po is a fucking God! Every single scene and line in this film is a classic! Big hard Yank Kickboxing champ goes to Thailand to face their Muay Thai Champion – Tong Po. Despite warnings from the yanks little brother (Van Damme, who’s just witnessed Tong Po warming up: “Legs? This guy was kicking one of these (a wall post) with his fucking legs – BAM! BAM! – until plaster was falling down!!!”), they fight and Tong Po splatters him, breaking his back up good and proper and leaving him in a wheelchair. Van Damme gets mad, and swears revenge, eventually training with an old Master until he’s good enough to stick it to the big bald bloke.

Awesome training montage’s, and it has a real feel about it that makes you want to go to Thailand to take in the beauty – not the drugs and hookers – of this ancient civilisation.  And again I love the soundtrack!

A great demonstration of how beautiful and brutal Muay Thai Kickboxing is, and a cheesy but engaging plot!

So my all-time favourite is….


Bloodsport – Yes, another Van Damme film (one of his first ever). The Young Van Damme is saved from a path of naughtiness when he gets caught burgling a Japanese man’s house, who then offers to train him up with his own son. The japs son dies in the war, then he gets ill, and Van Damme vows to enter the secret Kumite tournament to prove his style of Ninjitsu is the best in the world. To enter, he goes AWOL from the Army (who then chase him throughout the film) and enters the tournament. The customary big redneck Yank (Jackson) is entered and they become friends, until the big bad guy – Bolo Yeung – stamps on his head and puts him in a coma – so more incentive for Van Damme to kick ass. Bolo Yeung is a truly evil Bad Guy, who inflicts pain and death on his opponents, and is just plain scary.

The range of fight styles shown is amazing – from Kung Fu to Karate to Muay Thai to Monkey Style! It’s all here, and the fight scenes are a joy to watch!

Of course, Van Damme meets Yeung in the finals, and Yeung blinds Van Damme with some powder… Luckily, Van Damme, in an earlier excellent training/torture montage, has trained to fight blindfolded, so concentrates and gets in the zone, then kicks Yeung’s ass – eventually getting him to submit and admit defeat. By the final, the MP’s that were chasing Van Damme are cheering him on, and he goes back peacefully after he wins.

This film has possibly The Worst Sex Scene EVER! All you see is sweaty backs and cheesy music.

It’s also allegedly based on the true story of Frank Dux, Ninjitsu ‘Master’ and holder of untold tournament ‘records’. But, I’m sorry to say that Mr Dux was a big fat liar who made much of this up. Still an awesome film, though! And again – so is the cheesy music!

………… so where the hell are all the Bruce Lee films, you ask??? Well they’re not here. Because I don’t particularly like them. I never have been a big fan of Bruce Lee’s films, and to me even when I was young they looked dated and over the top. As a martial artist, I think very highly of Bruce Lee – but his films don’t turn me on as much as the above. So there.

Any I’ve missed out that you feel should be here?