Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

You didn’t think I’d let this day pass without bitchslapping it around the back of the head, did you?  You DID?  Shame on you!

I used to like Halloween.  I still do, I guess… but all you fuckers are getting it all WRONG and ruining it!!!

It’s a pagan festival, where in England we all traditionally dress in masks with lanterns and go out and beat Priests and Vicars to death.

OK, so that might not be true, but either way it’s supposed to be scary and fun.

Did you hear that?  SCARY and fun.

Sure, take your kids around to old biddie’s houses and give them heart attacks, and throw a Halloween party, but what in the blue-arsed-baboon FUCK is all this about:

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This is your typical Halloween costume these days.  Stupid shit like fairies and Alice-in-fucking-Wonderland and ‘sexy pirates’… fuck what have ANY damned pirates got to do with Halloween???

Ghouls… Werewolves… ok I’ll give you vampires, and they can be sexy, but that’s supposed to be a BY-PRODUCT of the whole vampire thing!  Halloween shouldn’t be about sexy costumes and trying to get laid!  Is it any wonder our kids are all fucking each other from the age of ten with this shit being forced down our (deep) throats?

So we used to dress up as murderous non-sexy creatures and try to extort cash and sweets from people.  We never took our parents out with us!

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How the hell are The Big Kids supposed to go out ‘Ghost Busting’* when their parents are stood behind them the whole time?

And when Little Johnny’s string-vested just-out-of-prison Dad is stood glaring at you from the top of your path, you feel strangely inclined to give them lots of money and sweets and a can of Tennant’s Super rather than tell them to Sod Off and slam the door in their face.

Do they still say “TRICK OR TREAT” when you answer the door, or is it just a moody “Give.” these days?  And what’s the ‘trick’?

Getting stabbed by a bunch of 16 year old Chavs with their hoodies up to look like ghosts?

We’ll probably do the same as last year, and just egg any little bastards that come around from the upper windows of our house, all hopped up on Red Bull and the boiled sweets we’ve bought for ourselves.

Witches… Ghosts… Spiders… Girl Scouts???

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Give me a break!  It’s more like Fap-oween!

*Ghost Busting – when the Big Kids take the piss out of your costume, beat you up, and/or take all your money and sweets.  It was ‘fun’.

EROTIC STORY: “Just Friends”

EROTIC STORY: “Just Friends”

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It was always asking for trouble.

A bed is to friends what the apple was to Adam and Eve.

As they traded laughter for a quick kiss, he was a little surprised when the gentle lip contact became suddenly and unavoidably deeper.  But only a little surprised.

Their tongues found each other, and she pulled at his shoulder, virtually dragging him on top of her – not that he needed too much coaxing.

Funny though it was, ‘Family Guy’ was lost to a world filled only with them, his arms sliding underneath her body in a fierce embrace.

Still he had to know that this was what she wanted, so he held back, merely matching her kiss until she was lifting his shirt over his head.  As she ground her hips hard up against his, he finally relented to her, pressing his hips back down on her, his hardness making her moan out load as she worked her body.

Her top was gone – he couldn’t remember how or when, and as his lips kissed at her naked shoulders, and he realised she’d slipped off his jeans, he didn’t need to know the answers.

He eased his weight off her, laying to her side and running a hand down her beautiful face.  She kisses him again, hungrily, and his hands fumbled with her own jeans, the wetness that embraced his fingers telling him this was not the time for gentle foreplay – she wanted him right now.

Back on top of her, he slid his length against her, feeling her shudder as she pressed herself against him.  He wanted to tease her like this, but didn’t think he’d last if he did.

As his tip slowly entered her, he could tell she might not last either.

He pushed into her a little, then drew back again, making sure he was slick with her juices as he pushed a little further and then drew back again.  She bit the side of his neck hard as he finally filled her with his whole length, and he held himself as deep as he could inside her as she squirmed her hips, her muscles locking him tightly inside her.

Running his fingers through her hair as he gazed into her eyes again, he took a moment to steady himself, realising almost instantly that those hungry eyes, and her full lips wouldn’t help him.  Pulling her tight again, he nuzzled his nose against her hair, flicking his tongue over her ear, biting slightly as he slowly worked his hips.

In his head he knew he should be trying to think of baseball cards or something now to slow down his climax, but the moment was too good.

She bucked her hips up to meet his thrusts – no time for kissing now as they clawed and pulled at each other.

Suddenly, he pulled out of her, and as if she’d read his mind she moved with him, pushing him onto his back before sinking down onto him again.

She sat up, and his hands cupped her breasts, then he pulled her forwards slightly, sucking and kissing at her nipples as she rode him steadily – a pace that was perfect for both of them.

She stopped with a gasp, and arched her back as she felt him twitch inside her, but he wasn’t ready to end it yet.

Teasing him, she inched off him as slowly as she dared, grinning wickedly as she finally released him, and then he was behind her – inside her again.

He pulled her hips back onto him and held her there hard, whilst very lightly running his tongue from the nape of her neck to her shoulder.  He retraced the route lightly with his teeth, and the hair on her neck stood on end as he bit down gently on her neck, then placed hard kisses up to her earlobe as he pinched her nipples hard.

She turned her head so their lips met briefly, then dropped her face to the mattress in ecstasy as he pulled back and sank into her again.

He thrust harder, and she met his movements eagerly.  He pushed her forwards, taking his weight on one arm as his other hand moved between her legs.

He felt her cum as he was right on the edge, and knew he should pull out of her, but it felt too good.

She was cumming and trying to pull his hand away from her clit, but he kept the pressure there as he came hard inside her, feeling her juices running down over his fingers as she cried out with him.

She fell forwards, and he moved with her, still inside her and kissing her shoulders as they rose and fell with her breathing.

At last she lifted her head and twisted around to look at him with a smile.

Maybe they weren’t just friends anymore…

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Martial Arts: How Not To Get In A Fight

Martial Arts: How Not To Get In A Fight

It’s all well and good knowing how to strangle someone with their own tongue once things kick off, but the simple fact is this:

Most people DO NOT want to get into a fight.

Most people have a brain in their heads, and realise that if they get into a fight the chances are they’ll get hit and it will hurt.  Or even if they win the fight, the other person will bash their back doors in in the middle of the night and stab them to death in retaliation.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the really helpful advice that to ensure you don’t get attacked you should ‘not look like a victim’.

What does that even mean?

Well, walking with confidence is a good thing.  Someone blithering about with their nose stuck to their £500 Apple Twatphone 48 R Turbo will certianly look like a good victim to an opportunist mugger.

And don’t think you’ll be able to say ‘no’ assertively and deter them.  What will happen is you’ll get smacked in the head.  If you’re lucky it will be just their bear hands, and you’ll eventually wake up phoneless.

Unless the attacker is out for a fight – in which case acting confidently might attract his attention.

There are a million scenarios and YOU have to be able to assess your surroundings and potential threat levels.  There is no easy way, unfortunately.

You can use a bit of common sense and don’t go traipsing around deserted alleyways wearing more gold than Mr T, and try and stick with a group of people you know – or at least use the busier routes rather than quiet short cuts.

And then there’s the biggest thing that gets people into fights: Pride.

If someone is staring at you in a pub as if they want to swing you around by your eyelids, put your pint down, and go find somewhere else to have a quiet pint!  It really is that simple!

Don’t try and stare them down, don’t give a damn that they might think you look like a scared sissy girl – don’t even look at them and just leave the area.  Job jobbed.

If someone is starting to act like a prick – go somewhere else as quietly as possible.  Leave them to it.

If you’re in your car and you have a shout at someone with a bit of gesticulation to show your displeasure, don’t be surprised if they stop, get out, and drag you through your window to stomp on your big stupid mouth.  YOU caused it, because you could have just shrugged and let it go.

Considering we’re lead to believe todays society is so randomly violent, how many people do you actually know who have got into a fight recently that they didn’t contribute to?

It’s not as scary out there as you think, as long as you stay a little bit switched on to your surroundings…

Or alternatively, take a look at some of my other martial arts blogs, and learn how to take them out before they even know they’re in a fight.

Male Breasts Are As Sexual As Womens!

Male Breasts Are As Sexual As Womens!

[RANT ON]

All the time in adverts and everywhere, I get tits shoved in my face.

Of course, I’m not talking about WOMENS breasts here, because that would be Indecent & Obscene.

I’m talking about MALE BREASTS.

I remember around 10 years ago, there was a TV advert for Neutralia shower gel, which showed a woman in the shower in that usual vaguely erotic but unrevealing way, then all of a sudden she ran a soapy hand over one breast and-

*DOI-OI-OI-OINNNNG*

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The nipple popped out from between her fingers!  There was utter outrage at the vile nudity.  The advert was banned.

Compare that to the adverts you see today for Lynx or Gillette:  A man is totally topless, with possibly even a woman (or two) rubbing his chest and nipples to show how sexy he is.

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I don’t want to fucking see that!  I’m deeply offended and disgusted at having mens tits pop out of the screen while i’m trying to eat my Shepherds Pie!

So what the fuck is this double-standard?

We can show topless males but not topless females???  Where’s this ‘Equal Rights For The Sexes’ shit gone???

What’s the difference?  Most females have more fat in their breasts than a male.  That’s IT.

So, let’s look at the arguments that women give:

1.  “A womans breasts are more sexual.”  Bull-fuckin-shit!!!  What man doesn’t like his nipples licked/sucked/touched sexually?  Unless you have leprosy, you should have feeling there.

2.  “It’s obscene because men get turned on by seeing a womans breasts.”  Well -ing DURRRR!!!  And women don’t get turned on in the slightest by seeing man-mammories?  You’ve got to be shitting me?!

3.  “Womens breasts are more sacred.”  Oh, so women are better than men, now, huh???  I’ll have you know my breasts are pretty sacred too!  JESUS had similar breasts to ME!  Not you, you foul, stinking sexist wench!!!

4.  “It’s the same as seeing a man’s penis.”  No it fucking well isn’t!  Seeing a womans PUSSY is the same as seeing a man’s PENIS.  What part of this don’t you understand???  When men say “Show us yer tits!”, your response of “Show us yer dick first!” is just fucked in the head!

5.  “Mens breasts have always been shown, but women’s haven’t.”  Oh, alright then – well, women were always smacked the shit out of, dragged around by their hair, and the toilet seat was always left fucking UP!  Let’s go back to that, shall we?

6.  “Stop trying to start a fight with me – I’m all hormonal.”  Yes – that’s the only fucking reason you have, isn’t it?  A mans naked upper body is just a less-lumpy version of a female, isn’t it????

Aww, don’t cry!  Shit, I’m sorry – you’re right.  C’mere and give me a big pillowy hug…

[RANT OFF]

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Driving A Car On A Race Track

Driving A Car On A Race Track

“So what was it like to drive a car on a race track, Nasty Evil Ninja?”

Well, I wish I’d had more laps!

Two days after my ARDS test, I’m sat here watching the British Touring Car Championship and my adrenalin is going mental.  How can fate put me on a racing track for the first time (in a car) and then say “Well, actually you might get another go next year at some point.”?

Very frustrating!

It was essentially a road car I was in at Silverstone.  I didn’t know that they’re supposed to me pretty rapid cars until afterwards – 2 litre turbo with 225hp.  One of the hottest Hot Hatches around.  I thought it was a bit slow…

I had a Hell of a lot to take in, and many things to adjust about the way I was driving.

I made sure I was trying to use every inch of the track – keeping right to the edge on the corner entry, getting two wheels up over the curb on the apex, and then drifting out with two wheels over the exit curb where it was safe.  The racing line is where you will make up most of you time, especially on a damp, greasy circuit like it was all day long.

I know I could make up a few seconds a lap straight away on the brakes just by braking later and harder.  I could make up more seconds by pushing harder in the corners, as I had more traction to go.

But that’s where I’m kind-of in unknown territory!

I have no comparison.  I know it’s advised to go at 80% of your ability on the test, but where was I?

50%?  100%?

As I’ve never done it before I have absolutely no idea.  Thinking about it, nobody else overtook me all day – apart from two sideways Nissan 350z’s driving by those super-fast Playstation 3 Nissan GT Academy geeks.  I did try to hang on to the back of them but I just got a bit more ragged, and as soon as we hit Hangar straight their 125hp more took them well away.

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I overtook some of the others, but that doesn’t really tell me much because I don’t know how hard they were pushing.  I didn’t get a chance to actually follow anyone around, which is a bit of a shame.  Or a good thing?  Who knows!

One thing I am well impressed with, is that when the time came to sting my test laps together I instantly dropped into The Zone.  A huge calm came over me, and I was totally relaxed and focused.  Even my breathing was perfect and normal – not hyperventilating or holding my breath at all.

That bodes very well for the future.  If I CAN drop into that state at will, then it means I can think clearly and feel everything that’s going on, rather than feeling rushed and having get by purely on reactions.

I’m hoping the actual feel is much better in a Formula Vee single seater.  I expect it was all feel much more accurate than a hot hatch, and I think I’m ready to have that.

Compared to a riding a bike on track… I don’t want to say driving a car is ‘easy… but it’s far less busy.  Because I’m used to having to brake from 170+mph and deal with acceleration of 0-60 in under 3 seconds, plus having massive forces working against your whole body the whole time, actually getting a car around a track is far less challenging.

Of course, getting a car around a track faster than 30 other people will be a whole new ball game, and the difference between a respectable pace and pushing right to the performance limits will be massive.

I know now that I can at least string some solid and consistent laps together, and that’s a huge relief.

It’s a base.

I’m looking forward to seeing what kind of balls it takes to jump off that base, and what kind of rush it gives me!

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Taking The ARDS Test – This Is It!

Taking The ARDS Test – This Is It!

Read Part 1 for the morning part of the day here: https://nastyevilninja.wordpress.com/2012/10/19/taking-the-ards-test-the-morning-preparation

After lunch was where it would all matter.  I’d expected to have a LOT more laps in the car in the morning to get used to it, but apparently not!

We all went into the classroom, watched the ARDS video to refresh ourselves, and immediately took the written test.

The first section was all about knowing the flags, and stating which flag you’d expect to see in a given situation, and whether it would be waved or stationary.

Easy – except I had problems remembering if a red flag would be waved or stationary or whether it mattered!  And then brain fade about the ‘mechanical failure’ flag as to whether it was black and orange or black and yellow!  ARGH!  

The rest were very obvious multiple choice questions, such as:

Your car is on fire.  Do you:
Pull over by a crowd of spectators.
Stop in the middle of the track.
Pull over near a martials post so they can use their fire extinguishers to put out the fire quickly and safely.
Jump out of the car and dive in a nearby toilet.

It took about 15 minutes to do the test, then we split into the same groups again – mine was first out on track as the others headed off to rag a Caterham with bald tyres around for some more skid control.

Back in the 2.0 litre turbocharged Mégane Renaultsport 250, and I’d decided to slow everything down.  The track was still wet and greasy (did I miss that excuse out before?), so I braked nice and early (and pretty lightly) and went back to one of the best ways to ride a bike fast on track – make sure you’re inches from the edge of the tarmac and concentrate on hitting the inside curbs in the right place.

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Doing this and being conscious of progressive braking without any lifting off and on again, I think I was going immediately faster than the morning session.

I’d become familiar with the track – apart from one moment trying to take a left hairpin on a fast right sweeper!  Meh!  I stayed on and corrected it without disaster… Good job, too!  There was no £20 damage waiver available, so we’d be liable for all damage to the cars!

I was feeling much better as we came back in for the short break as my instructor took the other pupil out for his laps.

Back in the car and Neal talked me around a couple of laps before telling me he was going to shut up and let me get on with it as he marked me.  I had to string about 5 laps together flawlessly.

A calm came over me and I went totally relaxed, breathing steadily.  In the zone 100%.

I braked into the first corner and slipped it straight into bloody 6th gear again for the exit!  NOOO!!!

I didn’t let it rattle me and sank straight back into the rhythm.

They say you should drive at around 80% of your ability and concentrate on being smooth.  That wasn’t working so well for me earlier, and I’m totally sure those assessed laps were by far my fastest of the day.

There was a Ferrari and Aston Martin out on track driven by people on ‘Experience Days’, and they may well have been surprised as my little Mégane sailed past them!

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I even overtook a few others in my group, with a rather lovely shimmying drift as I passed around the outside of someone on a fast sweeper – I watched the instructor out the corner of my eye hoping he hadn’t noticed!  I kept it all controlled, though, so figured I’d be ok with that one!

After a few laps he told me to pull in and head back to the Experience Centre, and started marking my score sheet as we sat outside.

I could see a lot of A’s mixed in with a few B’s as he graded everything from mechanical sympathy to gearshifts to lines.

He then had to tick a few boxes, and delayed for a lonnng time over one as he mulled it over, eventually ticking that, too.

He told me I’d passed, but not to tell the others as they might not have theirs yet, but put an advisory on my sheet that I would benefit from further training even though I had passed – something I totally agreed with.

I felt a bit emotional sat in the car.  I mused that I might even shed a tear after my first race win!

Then I remembered I didn’t know if I’d cocked up on the written test, yet…

At least the pressure was off, and I had a good laugh booting the Caterham around for the rest of the afternoon as the others did their track test.

Arriving back after that we all got our results, and I think most of us had passed!

I even got a Novice sticker (yellow background with black diagonal cross) to put on the back of my car next year!  Not bad for £400!

So I am now an Officially Licensed Racing Driver – something I’ve dreamed of since I was around two years old!

I’m also fully aware that I’m at the bottom of a very steep learning curve.

But this is going to be fun!

Like a ‘P’ plate – but faster!

Taking The ARDS Test – The Morning Preparation

Taking The ARDS Test – The Morning Preparation

“What experience do you have?”
“Loads of bike track days, and car skid control courses and, err, stuff.”
“What are you going to race?”
“Formula Vee, next season!”

That was the last moment I felt confident on the day of my ARDS test!

Luckily, not everyone there (there were about 18 of us) had done loads of car track days and stuff, so I wasn’t alone in my lack of experience, but then the instructors spent the next part of the morning basically telling us all we weren’t going to pass today.  I guess this was a good thing, as it knocked the cocky straight out of you.  Especially when you learn that Silverstone is the toughest place to pass the ARDS test (although this can also work in your favour as Race Stewards will look on you more favourably if blame needs to be apportioned for an on-track incident).

After a brief chat about the basics that we should already know (race lines, car physics, under and oversteer etc), we split into two groups – one group going off to the skid pan whilst my group were first out on the proper track.

The instructors were people I almost recognised.  If I could remember their names you’d probably know a few, too.  I clocked Ian Flux who I know from old Formula Vee and Tuscans but hadn’t seen him since I was tiny. He wasn’t my instructor, so no chance of favouritism there!

I got Neal.  If you know who Neal is, please let me know, because I didn’t get his surname, and the sheet he filled signed I never got to take home!  He was great, anyway!

So, I was literally one of the first to jump in the Renault Magane Sport test cars.  The six speed gearbox felt flawless, but, not being a car I’ve ever driven before the controls were a bastard.  The throttle was too sensitive, the brakes too sharp.  Heel & Toe was ditched immediately – I had far too much else to worry about.

We pulled out onto the Silverstone International circuit which I have never seen before in my life and began wishing I’d looked at on YouTube.  It is very fast, and not the simple 4 corner layout of the National track that I was expecting!

https://i2.wp.com/www.silverstone.co.uk/Global/Images/Circuit%20maps/Experience/Exp_map-southern.gif

So that’s all my excuses.  In the first session we did about 15 mins worth building up speed (instructor first for a few laps then me), and I realised I was In Trouble.

It was my first time EVER driving a car on a race track.  I went into 6th gear a few times when I wanted 4th, and was braking, coming off the pedal and then braking a bit more into corners.  I was feeding the steering wheel a little instead of keeping my hands at quarter-to-three.  My lines weren’t terrible, but transitions were ragged and nothing was very smooth.

There was no way I would pass unless I seriously got my act together.  And fast.

We had a second session for 15-20 mins and I was consciously trying to improve everywhere, plus looking through the corners and doing a respectable pace.

And I think pace was my biggest problem overall.  I have absolutely no frame of reference to what a fast car is on a track.

On a bike track day I’m busy all the time.  On the edge of my abilities, but not exceeding the bikes limits.

In a car it’s the opposite.  Because I’m used to thinking at 1000hp-per-tonne performance levels, cars are S L O W…

I had far too much time braking into corners.  I could have done some knitting and still made the corner.  The car felt so much slower that it almost felt like I was coming to a complete stop before the tight corners, and then waiting an eternity to get back on the power.

Once race driving is in muscle memory and I can do it all naturally without over thinking it all, this may well work to my advantage – but it was a major problem for me here.

Neil showed me a different way to hold the gear stick to improve my changes and stop getting 6th gear by accident.  Great, but this meant I had just a few laps left before the test in which to completely rewire my brain of how I’ve shifted gear on the roads for the last two years…

Next was the skid control, with the cars on cradles to simulate oversteer around a course of cones.  This was no problem for me, as I have done skid control in cars before, so was more a bit of fun getting it drifting.

Going into the lunch break I knew I’d improved a lot, but I still had a massive amount of work to do on my driving.

I put my chances of passing at 50-50.  60-40 at best.

I’d have to take 10 steps back and find a solid foundation to build on to have any more chance of passing the test today…

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Read about the actual test in the afternoon here: https://nastyevilninja.wordpress.com/2012/10/19/taking-the-ards-test-this-is-it

Escort Services – A Fine Job For A Woman?

Escort Services – A Fine Job For A Woman?

Not long back, I had a conversation in the pub with one of my friends who was considering becoming an Escort (not the Ford – the ‘companion’).

I’ve actually had this similar conversation with quite a few of my friends and aquaintances – including some of my male ones!

It’s an excellent way for a woman to make lots of money quickly.

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She goes out, chats to a man all night and generally keeps him entertained.  Most are probably career men who simply don’t have time for a proper relationship, and for that work or family do they’ll find it much easier just to hire someone to take, and avoid all the usual awkward questions.

Or maybe he’s just away from home and wants someone he can have a nice chat with over a meal.

Most of the agency rules say that the girl doesn’t have to do more than this, and then she gets her £500 cheque and goes home happy to her boyfriend.

Right?

Let me answer it this way:  Women are fucking stupid.

Yes, in an ideal world, this would all work out great – but I’m afraid this is reality.

Is any girl really that naive to believe that a man would ever pay out £500… ok, lets say £200… or even £100… just to have a woman to talk to for an evening?

For a start, the type of man who can afford that shit is the type of man used to getting exactly what he wants.

Secondly, no woman is worth that much.

Oh yes – however much you try and kid yourself, you’re a prostitute.  Not a blatant one, and maybe there is a slim chance that nothing sexual will be involved, but that is a SLIM chance!

I think you can get an hour with a prosti- err… I mean ‘massage therapist’, for £40-£60?

Think about that.

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Even if a man IS prepared to pay £200 for your company for an evening, he’ll be expecting extra at the end of the night – whether he has to pay for it or not.  You can argue that you’re not a whore, but that’s only because if you’re lucky, you’re going to be able to make that choice to not have sex.

One girl I spoke to was realistic about it though.  I gave her the above reality check, and she said that would be ok – she could just shut herself off from the experience as she’d done before…

It was heartbreaking to hear my beautiful friend talk about it that way, but I couldn’t help but admit that she was probably perfect for the job…

And don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying there’s anything bad at all about being an escort!  If you can handle that, then you’re doing a fine thing and making people happy.

But if you don’t want to be a whore or a rape victim – it’s not for you.

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Winter Riding – How To Survive & Stay Warm

Winter Riding – How To Survive & Stay Warm

I’m not sure I like the idea of muffs (err…  😕 ) like many Winter riders suggest.  I prefer having my hands free to bat away stray squirrels and gesticulate at Audi drivers and stuff.

I have Polish ancestry, and would happily live in a fridge, so it doesn’t seem to affect me the same as most.  Either that or it’s because I’ve ridden bloody stupid sportsbikes through the snow and ice and THAT was enough to keep me pretty warm… Anyway, here’s what my 12 Winters on bikes and 2 as a courier have taught me:

Something for your neck is ESSENTIAL.  The one time you forget your neck warmer, The Forces That Be will wait until your throat is so painfully frozen you can’t even close your jaw properly, and then… THEN, your helmet strap will -ing whip you in across the throat like some hungry housewife who speed-read the 50 Shades Of Grey trilogy whilst fantasizing about Indiana Jones. 

This tiny little strap will never do this for any amount of Summer riding – just when you decide you’re going to nip down to Tescos for a baguette on your lunch break.

I bought a Buff polar fleecy thing when I first started biking, and to be honest have never wanted for anything more.  It’s perfect.  Well, apart from the fact I picked the one with the logo all over it – which, when viewed from two steps back from the shop display, suddenly looks like tiger stripe print.  Seriously, why would I buy a tiger stripe print neck warmer?  Stop asking me why I did!  It’s a Buff LOGO.

You’re screwed for your helmet.  The visor will mist up despite spending £400 on the latest de-mist-o-prene coating, and you could tape all the vents closed and then stuff them full of thermite and somehow freezing cold gayness will still pass directly through your skull.

What you can do is buy a Foggy facemask.  This directs your shivering breath out of your helmet as opposed to onto your visor.  I wear mine all year round.  It’s uncomfortable at first until you get it adjusted right, but then so is riding into a snowplough because you can’t see.

If it’s snowing, enjoy it.  It’s like being in Star Wars!  Warp speed!  Hell Yeah!  And then it all builds up on your visor… which is why I think muffs are a Bad Idea…

In fact most gloves are crap when it gets really cold.  Your best bet is warming the buggers up before you get out, and hope they stay a bit warm before you get frostbite.

I can’t really recommend any Winter gloves.  I found wearing my regular Summer gloves (tape over the vents, if they get too bad) with some Cold Killers windproof gloves underneath did the job.  Rubber gloves will allegedly save you if you get caught out – I tried this once and have to say it didn’t seem to help.  You can call into any petrol station and get a free pair from near the diesel pumps, though.

If you’re doing long distances the ONLY thing I found that worked was a set of Oxford Hot Hands heated grips.  You wire it in (easy) and wrap them around your hand grips, and they work perfectly.  You may find you need to tuck your thumbs under your palms for a few mins to get them up to temperature, but other then that you can happily wear your Summer gloves with them.

I wear my Summer race leathers (Halo Oracle) as much as I can through Winter.  Remember thin layers are the best for staying warm, so get 3 t-shirts on under them and it will do the job!  I’d also recommend (again) Cold Killers thermal long sleeve windproof top thingy.  I also have a synthetic Lookwell Goldline jacket with removable thermal liner that’s excellent, although loosing its waterproofing after 12 years.  With that and the windproof top I’ve pounded out thousands of motorway miles – I’ve actually got off the bike before and been able to pull off a complete layer of ice from my front.  It kept me fine for all day long Winter riding at high speeds.

I have no miracle cures for the lower half!  I just wear my regular Summer leathers and am fine.  I did have the Lookwell trousers to go with the jacket, but a wet road, RGV250R and a flatbed truck did for them years ago.  They had a thermal lining, but even then I never actually used it.

And it’s the same for my feet – Sidi Vertigo Corsa race boots.  I’ll probably close the vents, if I remember.  I wear normal socks, but again if you get cold feet I’d advise doubling up rather than one thick pair.

Other than that the main thing I’d say is to get a bike with a fairing!  I have no idea why the ‘ideal’ commuter bike is seen as an upright bike with no fairing?!  Are you mad?  Sportsbikes have a fairing, naturally tuck you in out of the wind, and get your adrenaline singing nicely, as mentioned earlier! 

Whatever you’re riding this Winter, though – keep it safe and do whatever you need to keep yourself warm!

MARTIAL ARTS: Only ’Girls’ Get Strangled Or Bear-Hugged!

MARTIAL ARTS: Only ’Girls’ Get Strangled Or Bear-Hugged!

Over my 26 years of study, I’ve been told a fair few times that I should teach women’s self defence or something.  Not because I fight like a girl.  I hope.

I’ve taught many friends (and some enemies, I guess) a few techniques to get them out of nasty situations.  In fact if anyone ever thinks they’ve found the ultimate hold or anything, I’m happy to let them do it on me so that I can show them how to get out of it.  I love doing this, because it brings out the core values of Ninjitsu – i.e. being able to adapt to any situation and win.

It’s always confused me when I see ’real self defence’ classes (especially ones aimed at women) who always and without fail will teach their students how to deal with two types of attack:

’Bear Hugs’ and ’Being Strangled From The Front’.

Now, maybe this is just me, but not a single one of the people I’ve taught has requested defences for these things.

Do you even know anyone who’s ever been attacked on the street by a bear hug or a front strangle???  Who the hell is going to attack anyone like that???

Yet these moves are always the core of their self defence systems.  Go figure.

Bear Hugs

https://nastyevilninja.files.wordpress.com/2011/08/bearhug.jpg?w=257

For those who don’t know what it is (and this is nothing to do with Plushies, you perves!!!), it’s where your attacker will wrap his arms around your upper body, most often pinning your arms to your sides, and is then able to crush you or carry you away.

Oooh!  Scary!

If they do this from a face-to-face position, the chances are that on pure instinct you will drop your head forwards and smash their teeth out.  Not to mention your legs are free to give short, sharp hoofers to their shins or knee them in the bollocks.  In the unlikely event that this natural flailing won’t make them let you go, have a good old chomp on their neck and face.

If they haven’t pinned your arms to your sides, no doubt before you have time to think you’ll be beating away at the sides of their head.  I’d recommend clawing their eyes out and shoving your thumbs as deep into their sockets as you can.  If you have some strength it’s even possible to snap their neck by lifting slightly below their jaw both sides and then twisting their head.

https://i2.wp.com/www.knucklepit.com/_tken%20tw%207.jpg

If they’re bear-hugging you from behind it could make you panic more – but you’re far from helpless!

If your arms are pinned, it’s always worth a go at throwing your head back into their face.  If they’re a lot bigger or they’re a zombie whose head has fallen off backwards, you may not be able to make contact this way.  Or they may have tucked their head in tight to yours so you can’t get a good smack in.

Don’t panic!  It’s not over yet!  You should also bear in mind that whenever you’re using your head as a weapon there’s always a chance that you’ll knock yourself out.  You don’t want to do this, so if possible only nut someone as a last resort!

https://i2.wp.com/blog.actselfdefense.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/1-Bear-Hug-Back-Arms-Pinned.jpg

Anyway, so in this case you can’t use your head.  What you want to be doing is simply smacking your heels backwards into their legs.  All these shin-kicking type moves I’m advising here are assuming you’re wearing shoes – and the harder they are the better.  It will work barefoot, but not half as well!  It should still be enough to get you out of the hold either way.

Also, if your arms are pinned you’ll usually be able to work your hands between you and the attacker and crush the fuck out of a big handful of testicle.  Do it.

If they’ve grabbed you from behind but left your arms free, they’ve made a big boo-boo!

Lift both of your arms up to shoulder height, bent at the elbows like a chicken getting ready to fly, and then twist your whole upper body left and right in turn rapidly.

After a few tries you’re bound to find your elbows will smack into your attackers head, and when this happens it will bounce their head to the other side, so that when you twist the other way you make even harder contact with their noggin.  This will knock them right the fuck out VERY quickly.  It might hurt your elbows or the backs of your arms a bit, but the rapid twisting will also be great for slimming fat from your sides and hips – so it’s worth a bit of pain!

Strangles

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If anyone has ever successfully strangled someone whilst stood up, it would have relied almost totally on the victim freezing up.  “Oh God!  He’s got my neck and I can’t breath!  What can I do???”

Well, I’ll tell you what you can do:

If they’re stood facing you, and have simply reached their arms out and wrapped their big sweaty palms around your throat, you’d have to be a bit simple to get choked unconscious.

There are loads of techniques taught to get you out of this, and sadly, a lot of them will fail against a stronger attacker, causing you to panic even more and quit.  QUITTER!!!!

First off, when trying to break any hold, one technique might fail.  It’s no biggy – just try something else!  Just don’t keep on trying something that doesn’t work – for the main reason that they’ll know what you’re trying to do and will just make damn sure it won’t work!

Of all the escapes that I know, there are two which will work 99.9% of the time for everyone.

The first is to simply put your hands together, and then raise them hard and fast inbetween the arms of your Strangler.  This should bring your shoulders up between his hands, twisting his grip off your neck.  Easy-peasy lemon-squeazy!  Run free, slightly-red-necked unstrangled person!

The other is to twist your whole body sideways.  This may work alone, but I’d also recommend that as you turn to the side, raise one of your arms and put it over the top of both of their arms (go on, give their face a quick hook on your way!).  This creates a huge amount of leverage as your armpit forces their hands off your neck.  You’re also in a great position to leg it as soon as you’re free.

Of course, if you’re pressed with your back against a wall or something, yo may not be able to do this one, but the first should still work as long as you can get your arms up between theirs.

If they both fail, or you just want to make sure they won’t be strangling anyone again for a while, use both hands to grab hold of the fleshy part of their thumb (or their thumb itself, or even their little finger) and rotate their hand away from your neck, whilst twisting your body, until you hear their wrist snap.  It will put them right off.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/9c/MCRP3-02Bfig8-6twohwristlock.png

This is also the best technique for someone strangling you from behind, although the second ’twisting away’ technique should work too, obviously with you throwing your arm backwards over theirs as you twist.

There, now!  You’ve got no excuses for getting yourself twatted, have you?

Now go and try it out with someone – but go easy and do it half speed at first so you can feel how it’s all working.  This is stuff that WORKS and doesn’t need you to train for 60 years daily.