Thoughts Confirmed: Car Drivers Are Spastics

Thoughts Confirmed: Car Drivers Are Spastics

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Having spent the last 10 years riding through Winter on a variety of hideously unsuitable sportsbikes, this will be my first ever on four wheels.

I’m sure most of you have seen my videos from last year riding in the snow – the most noteable where I took out my near-1000hp per tonne Kawasaki ZX9R Ninja and attempted to get through the snow to a main road to get to work.  When I did reach the main roads, they were almost as bad, and I eventually gave up when I started sliding backwards and sideways down a hill.

At the time this wasn’t exactly ‘fun’, but looking back now I have to say I rather enjoyed the challenge, and am especially glad to have caught it on camera!

And while bad, this wasn’t the worst!  A few years before I’d ridden my Honda VFR750 FM down more than 10 miles of abandoned roads covered in 6″ of snow, passing many cars which had given up.  Ironically, this journey also ended with me sliding backwards down a hill within sight of my house, and I had to dump the bike in a safe place for the night.

Now THAT was both very scary and very kick-ass!

I love to do stuff that nobody else has done.  Stuff that nobody else would even attempt to do!

If that involves using some actual skills and talent then it’s a proper bo bonus!

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So I booked up a skid-pan training course to do in the car.  And the snow hit yesterday with my course still a few weeks away!  Doh!

Now, I’m fully aware that I’m still a rookie driver, even though I’m eager to grab any advanced training that I can.

Right now I’m no Driving God.  OK, so I have to slow down my thinking to drive cars, because it all happens so much slower than on a bike.  Apparently this biking stuff has taught me to be a perfectionist on the controls, actually THINK about the whole driving experience, and plan well in advance.

And THAT’S the problem!

Come on!  If I can be smooth and not crash a 16 year old rustbucket on skinny tyres, then what the Hell is every other flid doing on the roads?

I have renamed the Bromsgrove-Redditch dual carriageway ‘Flid Road’, because every single day some fuck-tard manages to crash and close it off!

Honestly, I’m the Rookie and yet nobody else has a -ing clue about how to drive as soon as they’re faced with adverse conditions?  It’s shocking!

Or maybe it’s because I invested in a Madcatz steering wheel controller for the Xbox 360, and if I can get a TVR Cerbera around Mugello on road tyres, a snowy commute in a Fiat Uno just isn’t going to challenge my skillz?

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Michael Cera Is A Granny-faced Unfunny Wimpy Geek Crap-acting Cunt

Michael Cera Is A Granny-faced Unfunny Wimpy Geek Crap-acting Cunt

It seems that a new King of Hollywood Comedy has usurped my friend Owen ‘Unfunny’ Wilson at last!

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Michael ‘Oh I’m REALLY Fucking Hilarious’ Cera.

Look how funny he is!  With his Geek Appeal, and cute vulnerability.

Not to mention his Scottish-Granny-style looks, with pensioner hair obviously to hide his big fucking balloon-shaped head!

But I can forgive looks, and stupid high whiney voice.  I can understand that people think weak-ass Hobbits make great heros (although I don’t have to like it one tiny bit).

What I can’t forgive is that he’s shit, and that everyone wants the twat in their film!!!

So what’s he been in?

Superbad – where he nearly ruined the film.

Juno – where it was shit anyway and he actually made me punch the TV screen.

And the classic that I watched far too much of at the weekend: ‘Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World’.  Uhhh…

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I could have sworn he was the Nobber in some film where he decides to be a superhero, so makes a Ghey suit and goes out and gets stabbed by a crim.  I laughed, but it seems that wasn’t him?  Just his spirit, I guess?

Anyway, he’s shit, and I hope he chokes on his own head in some bizarre accident.  Avoid any film with this rubber-head in.

Cunt.

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Tag! You’re It!

Tag!  You’re It!

Ahh bollocks…

It’s me who’s been chosen for redundancy.

I thought it would be, and compared to the instant depths of despair I was staring into when the possibility was announced last week, I’ve taken it pretty well.

We spent all morning in shit-state (me and the other Monkey who was in the firing line), and I think if they’d left it much longer I’d have got a -ing ulcer!  STRESS!!!

I’ve had an agonising headache growing across my brainstem all morning – it’s a first for me but I should imagine that that’s the stress area?  So that figures.

As we were informed by telephone (yup – not even face to face!), when it was suggested that “In no particular order”, I went into the room to take the call first, of course I knew it was me.  There’s a full meeting on Friday where allegedly they’ll look at ways to avoid making me redundant, but I think with cuts being made through the whole company that’s merely a formality.

I’m privy to more insider info that confirms my fears, but I can’t put that here incase any of the Monkeys read this blog.  I was told by the Boss Monkey in confidence, and so I’ll at least uphold that for them, as it seems they’re goingt to let me keep working until it’s finalised.

In retrospect the Full English Pasty I had shortly afterwards was a Bad Idea.  I have MAJOR acid reflux now as well as this ‘Cunt’ of a headache.

Seeing as this is obviously my lucky fucking day, I made sure to buy some Lottery tickets on my way home as I finished the day early!

So what now?

Well, I have a lead that sounds very attractive to me at the moment – but I’m also trying not to place much faith in that as absolutely nothing is decided yet.  Even it it does materialise then it could be my best job yet and pay many times more than I’m on now… or it could lead to struggling and total fuckeduppedness down the line.  Plus there’s a chance of getting shot/stabbed/punched just like in the good old days – you may think this is a downside but Hell, it keeps things interesting!

Other than that it’ll be doing any shitty job I can as a temp etc, and hoping I find something stable before it sucks out my soul…

My services of a Hitman/Assassin are back on offer – so spread the word!  I’m highly skilled in killing techniques using bare hands or a variety of weapons, and also make the best Chinese Curry you will ever taste.

Bring it on!

Final Meal Before Execution (Redundancy)?

Final Meal Before Execution (Redundancy)?

I’m feeling a lot less bleak about things today – I’m practising for redundancy by drinking scrumpy cider, but I don’t have time to practise eating noodles and watching Jeremy Kyle.

I didn’t think a carvery could ever be bad?!?

Now I know different.

The Perdiswell, just outside of Worcester was the unlucky choice we made out of the two carvery pubs within a few hundred metres of each other.  Ironically, I believe I chose it because from the outside it looked like the posher of the two.  It was also the cheaper.  Doh!

We did do a quick flyby of the carvery area, but being the rampant carnivore that is me, I only looked at the three types of meat on offer and somehow didn’t notice the lack of anything else.  Come to think of it there wasn’t actually a chef there, either.

We paid up and they produced a ‘chef’ to carve the meat (some of each for me, of course – Gammon, Turkey and Beef), and then it all went bad…

As I carried the plate over to get some veg I noticed the thick ginger hair on my plate.  EWWW!!!  I should have taken it back and complained here but didn’t.  I removed the hair, tried not to think about it and turned to the choice of non-meat crap.

Now, there are some things that you NEED as part of a carvery.  Many will argue over these ‘essentials’, but either way this one was lacking.

The choice was:  Cabbage, Potato(?) cube type things, Roast Potato (about 9 in total to choose from), very dried looking Roast Parsnips, Carrots (I’d rather eat the ginger hair), umm… and that was all!  Then there was slightly warm gravy to spoon over it and a packaged portion of Heinz Mouse-Turd.

I honesty couldn’t identify the cube things.  They had a tougher, slightly sinewey texture, but no taste?!  Lucky we were also issued with a Yorshire Pudding with a ball of stuffing inside around the size of a Spaniels eyeball.  Which was burnt.

I never thought it was possible to leave some carvery and still come away hungry!

So if that was my last meal as a condemned man… well, John Coffey would have been gutted!

Living The Nightmare

We thought our company was fairly stable for this year, although we were all conscious that next year we have no new business.

So the call for making one of the engineer Monkeys redundant came as a bit of a surprise.  It’s in the department I straddle along with another Admin Monkey, so when that foolishness was settled we were just starting to relax after all the whispers and mini-meetings, when we were both called into a room by Queen Monkey and HR Monkey.  I glanced at the notepad HR Monkey held as I sat down, still not wanting to believe what I knew was about to happen.

Did you ever get called into the School Heads office, knowing you were in deep shit?

That feeling came straight back as Queen Monkey said she was going to read from a statement as there was no easy way to do it.

When she said that one of us was going to be put forward for redundancy, the Fears were confirmed.

Instant sick feeling deep through my bones.  My peripheral vision widened as the room started to spin.

I tried to listen to the rest of the crap at the same time as trying not to vomit or pass out.

I’m fucked.

Well, maybe not – but it’s one of us now, and who knows when the next will come?  I’m still waiting to hear if I’m first to go…

Life was good!

Beautiful girlfriend who I’ve finally moved into a nice house with.  Got my car license (at great expense).  The potential of living a lifelong dream of racing cars, bikes or both next year or at the very latest the one after.

Fuck me, life was good.

Now it’s just fear, despair and depression.

There are no jobs out there.  Even if there was, the very thought of applying for jobs or being a temp again… I don’t know if I can do it…

The really sickening things?

That very morning I’d arrived at work to see a new 47″ plasma screen being delivered – for the downstairs conference room.  That would cost over a tenth of my yearly salary.

Then there’s been talk all day of the Christmas staff do – which a very conservative estimate by myself totals the same as my yearly salary at least.  Then there’s the separate managers do’s.

Ha!  Managers!

Interesting then to note that they hired a new manager (four times my salary at the very least?) a few months ago.  He joins the 50% of managers or so in our company.

Yet they pick the staff who do the shitty work and earn a pittance to cut costs?

Meh!

Just what the fuck am I going to do?

EROTIC STORY: “Holiday Make-up”

EROTIC STORY: “Holiday Make-up”

It was a stupid fucking argument.

They were in the sunny paradise of Spain, and supposed to be enjoying their first holiday abroad.

“I’m sorry.”  She said through her pout.

“Me too.”  He agreed, as she slid her arms around him and he returned the gesture.

He kissed her quickly but softly on the lips, looking down at her pout and finding it strangely sexy.  He closed his eyes and lowered his lips back to hers – still softly but lingering this time, the heat of the sun warming one side of them as they stood in it’s glare just inside the hotel room.

She felt him instantly growing hard against her – hardly surprising considering the holiday sun, and the lack of sex they’d had these last few days.

His hands ran all over her back, sending shivers up her spine as he traced a line across her shoulder blades.  She gasped and her body sagged slightly against his.

Shuffling her feet back slightly, her legs found the couch and she lowered herself onto it, still looking deeply into his eyes as her fingertips ran over his broad shoulders, down his arms, until their hands found each others.

He leaned down and kissed her again, harder now, as he knelt on the floor between her legs.

His hands ran up her bare legs, from the knees, raking his nails lightly and slowly all the way up to her hips, sliding under her sarong as he did.

She bit down on the side of his neck as he pulled her hips into him.

Clearly feeling his hard shaft through the thin material of his shorts and her bikini bottoms, she ground her hips so that he was touching her in the perfect place, her clit throbbing and the material there already soaking with need.

As she moved her hands down his back, sliding them under the waistband of his shorts and grabbing his ass, he deftly tugged on the ties, and the feel of the smooth top sliding off her nipples made them grow even harder.

He pushed her shoulders back and moved his mouth down to her breasts, licking and sucking each in turn, gently biting her nipples, but all she could feel was his hard cock as she wriggled her hips against him, her nails scratching at his back as she tried to pull him harder against her.

She leaned back on the couch and he shifted himself as his soft kisses ran down her stomach, but she stopped him there, pulling his face back to hers and slipping his shorts down to expose him.

“Do it now…” she breathed, a shudder in her voice just with the anticipation.

They both looked down between them, her finger hooking the bikini to the side, his guiding his penis, sliding it’s head against her opening, his glistening pre-cum joined by her slick wetness as he coated his tip, both gasping and groaning with the sight and feelings.

One hand still around his shaft, he guided himself once more to her entrance, between her fingers which now held herself apart for his entry, and she cried out as it came easily as he sank into her as far as he could.

He used one hand around her lower back to keep her tight to him, and as they kissed again she moved with him deep inside her, feeling him throbbing as she squeezed him.

At last he pulled back, hands running over her thighs again as he worked up a steady rhythm with her, hard and deep with them both trying desperately to hold back.

He felt her nails tear into his back as she reached the edge, and as he kissed the side of her neck he smiled as he noted the flush there.

He pushed her back on the couch, still kneeling in front of it, and hooked his hands under her shoulders.

She liked to feel his weight on her, and as his thrusts got harder and faster she heard herself cry out as she came, and she felt him tense as he came deep inside her, too, slowing his movements to a tender pace, delivering a few soft, quick kisses to her as he brushed her hair away from her face so that he could smile down at her.

He pulled out of her, and embraced her again as the both stood up.

“Uh-oh,” He said, “The cleaner won’t like that.”

She turned and followed his gaze towards the large wet patch on the couch.

Using her foot whilst holding him for balance, she nudged one of the cushions over the stain.

“There – no-one would ever know!” she said playfully.

“Let’s go to the beach.” he said, taking her hands and kissing her again.

EROTIC STORY: “The Jacuzzi”

EROTIC STORY: “The Jacuzzi”

“What’s that?” She asked him playfully.

Her legs were wrapped around his waist in the swimming pool as he stood holding her in the water.  Nobody else was in the pool, but even if there was he doubted he’d have seen anything but her beautiful face inches from his own, wet hair falling around her shoulders.

Her lips were slightly chilled by the water as he kissed her, and her moved his erection against the thin material of her bathing suit.

“I’m supposed to be trying to lose this!”  He protested.

She unwrapped herself from him and swam to the side of the pool.  He followed, more slowly – desperately thinking of anything that might ease his erection,  whilst stealing the odd glance towards the sole CCTV camera keeping an eye on the pool.

With one final adjustment, and adopting an angle where he could keep his back to the camera, he climbed out of the water to follow her, just as she slid herself into the warmer water in the jacuzzi.

“I’ve never been in a jacuzzi before – have you?”  He asked her, sinking into the tub beside her.

“Of course!”

He smiled as he watched her looking around, her eyes finally settling on the three buttons with a puzzled expression.

Without saying a word, the both started pressing the buttons, and suddenly lights were shining from the bottom of the tub, and the jets were making a fine layer of bubbles over the surface of the water.

They played around for a while, laughing and joking as they moved and floated around the small, four person tub, before finding themselves back in each others arms.  They sat in the deepest part in the centre, with only their necks sticking out above the broth-like water.

“Omm!” She said again, wriggling her hips against his growing hardness.  They kissed deeply, her tongue snaking into his mouth, and not helping the situation below the surface.

He glanced sideways at the camera across the other side of the main pool, at the same time bringing his hands around her sides and flicking his thumbs over her hard nipples.

She sighed and lifted her hips slightly so his hardness ran against her, slowly rubbing up and down the length of his shaft through their thin swimming costumes.

They’d already been in the jacuzzi for at least 10 minutes, and if anyone was watching the camera then they would have already looked suspicious.  They both already had the same thought.  And it was one more exotic location to cross off the list!

Keeping one arm around each other, they parted slightly, and her hand was instantly touching him through his shorts, wrapping around him and working up a steady rhythm.

He brushed his fingertips ever-so-lightly down between her legs, then cupped his hand against her, watching her eyes roll slightly as she pressed against his hand.

As they both looked at the camera again, he reached up the leg of his swimming shorts, springing himself free and guiding her hands to his cock with a slight chuckle, grazing his teeth against the side of her neck.

Going back to her, he slid his fingertips underneath her costume at the front of her hip, teasing her by slowly pulling the material to the side.

Letting out a groan himself as her fingers ran over the head of his penis, encircling it and then rubbing gently down his shaft, he made her groan too as he ran his thumb from her clit to her entrance.  He was surprised to feel how slick her juices had made her even under the water.  He circled around her clit, feeling his heart pounding now as he kissed her again.

She opened her eyes, glancing to the camera quickly then back to his eyes.

With her hand around him, she guided him towards her, his hands moving almost reluctantly back to her breasts.

He felt that same slickness on the underside of his tip as she pressed him to her opening, holding herself there on him while she moved her arms back around his neck.

Their joint cry was part muffled by their kiss as he slid just an inch inside her and stopped.

Like a standard reaction now, they both looked over to the camera, wondering if the hotel receptionist was gasping at their filth, and readying herself to call security.

It made it all the more hotter as he thrust steadily into her all the way, both pawing at each other as they tried to get closer; to feel more of the other against them, around them, inside them…

“What if we get stuck?” She asked, stifling a giggle.

They’d spoken about sex in the water before – having both heard tales from schoolteachers that it could cause a vacuum, locking two lovers together like dogs.

He grinned back at her, picturing the hotel security and Fire Brigade all stood around the jacuzzi staring at the two embarrassed lovers who’d had to call for urgent attention.

“Fuck it!” Pulling back then sinking into her again, this time she did let out a small cry that echoed around the pool room.  She pressed her face into his shoulder and he felt her fingertips digging into the skin on his back.

Leaning him back slightly, she took the control, her movements on him matching the way he pulled her ass onto him with one hand.

Knowing he was close, he tried to slow her down, but she only squeezed even harder around his shaft as her own movements became more urgent and hungry.

More unstoppable.

“Cum with me…” He whispered in her ear, and as if his words had given her permission, she clamped her arms around his neck as she came, his cock spasming deep inside her as his own release tore through his senses.

Running his fingers through the wet hair at the back of her head, they stayed locked like that, kissing tenderly, and then suddenly the air bubbles cut off.

“Shit!” He said, as he head span sideways to look at the camera again.  The fine white bubbles covering the surface and hiding them dispersed almost instantly, and he pulled quickly out of her, diving for the buttons and jabbing quickly at all of them as he heard her laughing behind him.

The bubbles came back on, frothing across the water almost instantly.

They floated back into an embrace in the water.

“Well at least we didn’t get stuck!”  She giggled.