Smashing Wing Mirrors – Biker vs Cars

Smashing Wing Mirrors – Biker vs Cars

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You’ve all seen the videos – car cuts up biker, so biker speeds up close to the car, punches their wing mirror like they’re a Russian gymnasts’ coach, and roars away between the traffic.

First off, I haven’t smashed a mirror. Yet.

I’ve kicked cars, slapped them, but my common response in these situations is to get close and simply point or touch their mirror as if to say “You’re supposed to use this!.

I know there are a lot of bikers who will justify mirror smashing by saying “well they’re not using it anyway”- which is kind of funny in the bravado sense, but pretty flawed.

I mean, if they haven’t got a mirror, and they’re already driving like a tit before, what do you think will happen next time you meet them?

And that’s one of the main reasons why I don’t do it – retaliation.

If you’re riding the same route every day on your way to work, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out they can lay in wait for you, or simply get you back the next time you try to go past them.

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In the battle between a motorcycle and 2 tonne of car, all it takes is a quick flick of their wheel and they’re on top of you or sending you flying into an oncoming bus. Not good.

What I’m seeing with a growing number of these videos is also worrying: the biker smashes the mirror and then… hangs around shouting more at the driver. Seriously, you think you can smash someone’s car up and not get them mad? I mean, mad enough to lose their mind even if they ARE mentally stable, and run you the fuck over???

If you are going to do it, you smash the mirror, and before the first shard of glass hits the road you need to be full throttle off down the road – and preferably filtering between traffic so the chasing car has no chance to catch up. Because if they do catch you and run you over, you have nobody to blame but yourself… Plus you just got beaten by a car, you slow dick-bag! LOSER.

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With the amount of mirror-smashing videos around, another danger here is that car drivers will start to think we all go around smashing mirrors. This means they might expect it, and so will either ram you as you do it or maybe even pre-empt you and ram you the moment you get close. This is also not good.

And what do you think happens if they get your licence plate and report you to the Police for criminal damage?

I’m not saying some people don’t deserve to have their mirror removed – but have a think about consequences, both short and long-term.

That said, if it’s not a route you regularly take, and you can get away with it…

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Cars Vs Cyclists – but who’s missing?

Cars Vs Cyclists – but who’s missing?

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It’s the age old argument of who has more rights and who should have more rights – a car or bicycle.

They hate each other, and if one ever posts criticizing the other, within the first few comments you will see things get personal or even violent.

A Facebook friend recently posted a satirical blog about things cyclists do that annoy car drivers, and literally got a death threat from a cyclist for it!

Some of my most viewed YouTube videos, with hundreds of thousands of views, are ones that feature a cyclist or even just that ‘c’ word in the title. To read the comments you’d think I hate cyclists myself – and very few will ever know or bother to watch the videos where I’ve stood up and even protected cyclists.

Hell, some of my best friends are cyclists. Personally, the thought of cycling on modern roads scares the shit out of me and it’s a disaster waiting to happen, but I digress…

There’s someone missing from these road wars.

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Motorcycles.

Whenever legislation is passed, new rules created or road markings laidd, they NEVER think about motorbikes.

Never.

How else do you explain Advanced Stop Lines (ASL’s)? These are the boxes you’ll find at traffic lights as a refuge for cyclists, so they can safely filter through and safely set off first when the lights turn green to keep cyclists safe from cars. No other vehicles are allowed to stop within the ASL.

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Wait – what?

So a motorbike, that has filtered to the front, is not offered the same safety? Even though the biker is just as vulnerable? Even though that motorbike will out-accelerate very easily any car or cyclist, so it makes even more sense for them to be at the front?

Clearly, when they set the ASL laws they’d forgotten about motorbikes, and it was all car vs cycle as usual.

Birmingham is quite good, but a lot of other cities won’t let motorbikes use bus lanes, which makes no sense at all if cyclists can.

There’s never any talk of special motorcycle only roads or paths, despite everyone having a cry that motorbikes account for 99.4% of road fatalities or whatever. Why?

Oh the Government will give you money off a new cycle to save the environment and cut congestion, and celebrate you, and give you lots of free, secure parking – but not if you want a motorcycle! And you’re going to give thousands of cars cheap road tax (yeah I know it’s not road tax – I just wanted you to have THAT rant again!) but motorbikes still pay full, and quite often more than car fees.

WTF is all that about?

All we do get is signs put up by the side of the road saying esoteric things like “THINK BIKE!” that nobody really knows what it means or who it’s there for? I mean, are they to get cars to look out for bikers or are they to get bikers to stop riding like idiots?

How about you remember the other group out there cutting congestion on our over-crowded roads chock-full of single-occupancy steel boxes?

Remember traffic jams are a car problem – not a bike one. And that means BOTH lots of bikes.

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Store Loyalty Card Rant

Store Loyalty Card Rant

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Loyalty reward cards.

I have had a Nectar card for about 20 years, now.

I have used it every single time I’ve gone to Sainsburys, every time I’ve filled up with fuel, and even have it linked to Ebay now.

I also have petrol cards for Shell and Texaco, that I’ve always used – and bear in mind I did 2 years as a motorcycle courier.

I’ve had store cards from places that have since closed, or stopped their card schemes.

Almost every time I pay for anything in a shop, I’m also swiping some kind of card.

Do you know how much I’ve got back from it?

ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL!

Yep – not a single penny back!

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So why the fuck am I still wasting my time scanning some stupid shitty card that’s ALWAYS in my wallet, along with 68 other pointless fucking store cards??

OK so the Nectar card isn’t totally worthless, and apparently I do have a bit of money to claim on there – if I ever get around to it.

Tesco Clubcard at least send you out vouchers you can use to get 50p off a meal deal every two and a half years, but that’s the only one even vaguely worth anything.

Morrisons ‘Match and More’ card must be one of the best, as that little fucker has cheek to dangle the carrot for you!

Sure, occasionally you’ll be given a voucher for £5 after paying for your 75th £90 shop there – but then check out the expiry date!

Yes – you’ve got 2 mins 47 secs to cash the cunt in!  And you KNOW you’re not doing another Big Shop for at least 3 weeks, because you’ve just stocked up on tinned All Day Breakfasts and Pot Noodles!

And that’s if you’re lucky!  Normally the useless shower of bastards will issue you with 14 different vouchers for 3p off some product you’ve never bought before in your life. Not that they matter either, as you’re now down to only 2 mins 44 secs before if fucking expires!

So unless you’re the type of stringy beard, glasses wearing, tweed coat wanker who’ll cut 645 2p off vouchers out of Womans Own magazine (in which case why bother with a shit store ‘loyalty’ card anyway?), and spend 4 fucking hours in the ’10 Items or Less’ line with 14 irritated cunts staring at the back of your head hoping you’ll die, there’s every chance you’re getting fuck-all from these cards, too!

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So, am I going to throw the little plastic twat away and save around 10 days of my life swiping the bastard?

No, of course not!

I’m going to carry on scanning every fucking card every fucking time I buy any fucking thing.

That’s the kind of loyal cunt I am.

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Complaint to Shell fuels

Complaint to Shell fuels

Dear Shell,

Your attendant refused to switch the pump on for me last night at your Northfield, Birmingham forecourt.

I ride a motorcycle, and have spent 17 years filling up whilst sat on the bike, so that I can safely see what I’m doing and fill the tank to the maximum safe level.

The attendant said that she was new, and had been told not to allow bikers to fill unless they dismount. I got back on my bike and rode off to fill up at the next available forecourt, with no issues.

I stayed calm and polite, despite the humiliation of having your staff member gesturing wildly at me (I thought she might be signalling “Intentional Grounding” but then realised she wasn’t an American Football referee) for a while, before I had to walk into the shop to enquire what the issue was.

I can only think of two possible reasons why I may have been refused:

  • Theft. Shell assumes all bikers are thieves who will run off with the small amount of petrol a bike can hold. Apparently the 2 seconds it takes to get back on a bike makes a major difference to this?
  • Safety. After 17 years of filling up without turning into a fireball, admittedly this COULD be the one time I set myself on fire somehow. Again, I’m not sure what major difference there is when it takes me less than 1 second (note this is quicker than getting on the bike) to dismount whilst my leathers and helmet are engulfed in a chemical blaze. Please also note that the ‘safety’ option makes even less sense when you consider that after I’ve filled my tank to the brim, I will then be climbing on top of it, resting my torso on the tank, and starting the engine in a series of controlled explosions to power me away from the Shell forecourt.

Could you explain why this is, if this is even policy?

Also, what can you do to compensate me so that I feel welcome using your fuels (and I will always pick Shell over the competition) in the future?

Yours faithfully,

Nasty Evil Ninja

David Cameron – What CAN we do??

David Cameron – What CAN we do??

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All over my news feed this morning is stuff about our Prime Minister who’s family have been dodging taxes for generations.

Of course, that’s after you get around the deflection by the press, who are trying to make me feel angry that some pointless Russian kid called Putin is doing the same! So fucking what? He can do whatever the fuck he wants to, as long as he’s not living on my street!

But Cameron, who also voiced his outrage at Jimmy Carr for being “morally wrong” in his tax avoidance a while back, appears to be doing exactly the same.

I honestly can’t even be arsed to point out how and where this is all so wrong.

You know.

They know.

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And you all know of my utter contempt for politics because they’re not there for us. They never will be until we pay the lot of them minimum wage… Ok, some work hard – let’s cap their maximum wage at £25,000 to be fair.

But I digress. We all know that we need to do something about it.

But what CAN we do?

Wait another 4 years until we can try and vote the fat cunts out to be replaced by more fat cunts who are also only in it for themselves? Ooh – that’ll scare them!

We can refuse to, err… buy stuff? Err… err…

Yeah, that’s right – we can’t do a fucking thing about it. Suck it up, losers!

So I’m just going to have this rant, and then I’ll go back to work hard to earn money so that I can afford to live in a house that I’m never actually IN, because I’m at fucking WORK!!!

What. The. Fuck?

And then I look at the ‘Top News Stories’ and what do I see about all this??

Loch Ness Monster, Caroline Flack (?? Is that Nessie’s real identity??), and Britney ‘fucking’ Spears. Because we don’t want to give a shit about anything important, do we?

Maybe I should just write an angry letter?

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Return of the Duck Face

Return of the Duck Face

Wow.

It’s been a while since I actually wrote a full-on ranty blog. It’s not because I haven’t had anything to rant about – more because I couldn’t be arsed, and am happy to see the daily views ticking over from you pervs reading my erotic stories.

Anyway, sneaking a look over someone’s shoulder earlier today, I was pleased to discover them flicking through a few pics of a rather good looking Facebook friend.

Or she WOULD have been good-looking, except every picture looked like this:

My initial thought was “What in the blue-waffled FK are you doing???”

Had I stumbled onto the promotional manager for the new Zoolander film, trying shit out??

Maybe I was witnessing a rare cancer of the lips, or someone who’d had some kind of -ing accident with an airtight sandwich grill??

No – it seems that the duck face/trout pout trend is still going strong.

A quick look through some other peoples pics showed more of the same.

Now, I know I’m not up with current trends and fashions, so maybe I should give the benefit of the doubt here?

Are there people out there who do find this look attractive??

There must be some reason why women do this in the first place?  I mean, you looked great until you started doing that crazy shit with your mouth!  And I don’t mean THAT crazy shit…

Are you looking at your selfie (with obligatory toilet, Anal Glide or abandoned toddler in the background), and actually seeing something else through your poor, slack (to hide the wrinkles) eyes?

Just SMILE, you knobs!

Maybe I should also categorise this blog under ‘erotica’ so you duck-billed wankers can jerk off to that, too?

NHS Complaint to Bromsgrove MIU

NHS Complaint to Bromsgrove MIU

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The online feedback form I left on the NHS website should pretty much explain this one.

My answer to the question before, “What could be done to improve your visit for next time?” was: Get the nurse to wind her neck in.

“How likely would you be to recommend our service to friends and family?”

Very unlikely.

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“Please tell us why you gave that answer?”

Oh, ok then… *takes a deep breath*

I was told to go to x-ray and MIU by my GP with a suspected wrist/scaphoid injury following a racing car crash a week ago, where my open wheeled car had collided with another car, torquing my hands around with the steering wheel (and launching me 3ft in the air before another heavy landing, if you want all the exciting details).

The x-rays thankfully showed no fractures, and I dutifully booked in to MIU as advised. I do not like hospitals or doctors, hence me having waited a week in considerable pain from my injuries, but was extremely pleasant to all staff, especially after the x-ray as I was happy that nothing was broken. I am aware this pleasantness and cheery attitude may have been interpreted to mean I was not in pain – when in fact I would have rated my pain on this visit at a 7/10.

The student nurse who saw me very quickly advised as it was a soft tissue injury there was likely nothing more that they could do as the preferred method is not to strap up such injuries. This was absolutely fine with me, as was the quite long subsequent wait as she went to seek advice from a nurse. The wait was also fine, as I was by no means a priority case and fully understood others needed staff attention.

A blue uniformed nurse then returned to me pushing a trolley load of attitude before her, making her impatience with me extremely clear as she asked me – yes ME – why I was there. Somewhat confused by this, I told her the GP had told me I should go to MIU after my x-ray. She snapped on about x-ray being the ones who would refer me to MIU – which may well be the case, but I don’t see how I’d become the naughty schoolboy?

After answering “I don’t know?” when she asked what they were supposed to do, she then dug her thumbs into what I believe is known as the ‘snuff box’ area of my wrist.

I’m not sure how she then managed not to notice my hissed intake of breath through bared teeth, but declared instantly that I wasn’t in any pain (Really?? I’d have rated that a good strong 9, thank you very much!!!) before stroppily lecturing me that I would need a serious bone deficiency to have any chance of a scaphoid injury in that type of incident.

If I wasn’t so shocked by this whole damning onslaught, I would have corrected her that it is, in fact, one of the most common injuries of open wheel racing drivers in exactly this type of incident, but still trying to hold onto my relief I thanked her (not even sarcastically, because I’m apparently too polite a person for such hateful interactions!), and left.

Having been very worried when my GP advised scaphoid injuries could cause major complications such as necrosis, I realised I should have been more willing to seek medical advice sooner – but after meeting Blue Nurse from MIU, I’m back to thinking I’d be better off with a staple gun, duct tape, and staying away from corrosive moody people to solve my medical needs.

I am actually sorry for wasting your time, as if I’d known there was no after care I’d have just gone back to work sooner. But I don’t know that – and I feel that it’s the job of Blue Nurse and her ilk to advise me. Nicely.

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Nasty Evil Ninja’s General Election Special

Nasty Evil Ninja’s General Election Special

“If you don’t vote, you can’t complain about who gets in!”

Is that right?

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For all those who say it’s so terrible to not use your vote, I’ll answer it by saying surely, it’s much worse to vote for something that you don’t want?

How about I offer you a stab in the eyeball with a rusty icepick, or I’ll set your head on fire with some petrol?  Which one would you choose?

Or you could choose none, but if you get stabbed in the eyeball or an immolated head within the next few years, you can’t complain.

Do you see how you can make two shitty choices that allow a pack of cunts to get richer and screw you over, or you can make no choice, and still get screwed over by whoever? Because they’re all the same animal.

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What I want is a box I can tick to say “I want to scrap every single current politician, then pay every politician minimum wage”?

Then we’ll see who’s in it for themselves or who really wants to help us.

Their selling points are just absurd. One party wants to bring back fox hunting. How is that even a policy??? Anyone who gives the slightest fuck about fox hunting over giving lower classes more money shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the first place!

Then there’s the spiteful stuff like the Green Party. They want to save the world, and stop everyone driving cars.  Except they know that’s never going to happen, so instead, they’re going to BAN all motorcycles over 125cc, ban every motorcycle from using congestion-relieving bus lanes, and generally just be anti-biker for what? To get the hippie vote?

Or the Lib Dems, who have never once carried through one of their key policies, and normally do a total u-turn on them!

“Yeah, vote us in and we’ll cut tax on the minimum wage. Actually, thanks, but we’re going to raise it instead.”

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Conservative are a great choice if you’re rich, or a fucking politician.  A bit shit if you’re an average working Joe, because they’re going to fuck you.

Labour I don’t really know anything about.  I think they just want to get in so they can spend £750,000 of your tax money per year on Champagne for lunches in Parliament. And fuck you.

UKIP are just mental, and their policies are around not being black, or something.  Yeah – crack down on immigrants doing below-minimum wage jobs to save us all – not cutting the bullshit hundreds of thousand pound wages paid to cunt-faced lying twat politicians!  Good plan for the people!  Oh, wait…

And why do people go and ‘spoil’ their vote?  So you’ve drawn a cock and balls (possibly spunking, and with a few pubic hairs) over your ballot paper.  Well done. Now it doesn’t get counted.  Umm… exactly the same as if you hadn’t bothered going to the polling station in the first place?

I figure whoever gets in will cost me, ooh, £10,000 in ‘getting fucked over’ tax over the next 4 years.  How about you just pay me that sum, and I’ll vote for you? It’s bound to be less than the bungs you give to contractors and banks and fucking duck palaces on a daily basis.

Vote Guy Fawkes!  He had the best political ideals of any of you fucks.

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GTA V Heists

GTA V Heists

FINALLY, Rockstar have released the heists update that they’ve been promising us for years!

I have to say, I was rather enjoying reading the comments on their pages every single time they released anything (and they have released loads of totally free content) where people would have a major whinge!

I played GTA 5 pretty much for my whole life since its release.  It was only when I got Dragon Age Inquisition for Christmas that I stopped playing it.

So, after my near-3 month gap, I waited a few days knowing the servers would crash, and logged in for the updates.

They took ages, followed by nothing actually working, anyway.

I then gave it a few days and tried again.

This time, I could get into lobbies promising heist stuff, which then either kicked me out or something weird happened.  One time I go to do a set-up for a heist, which involved me having to play some shitty ‘snake’ type game to hack something or other.  Then it was all over, and I couldn’t do anything else, so logged off.

Well, you would log off, wouldn’t you?  I wanted to shoot people in the face-bone and rob banks.  Not play fucking shitty 80s mobile phone games!!!

Last night, I tried one more time.  I had to play Snake AGAIN for hours, as I tried to guide the shitty light through a maze instead of anything anyone in the fucking world ever would want to do on a game.  Fuck you, Rockstar.

I tried a few set-ups of my own, where I’m funding stuff and Level 4 people send you messages saying “Pay me $100,000 or I’m leaving the game” – I’m level 177 you ignorant 12 year old fuck!  Or some I joined where the leader was set to take $270,000 cut from the heist whilst paying me $40,000!

WTF are you rubberheads on?!?  Unsurprisingly, most people drop out before anything happens, so you spend hours on GTA these days sat waiting in lobbies, or playing fucking Snake for fuck-all cash.

Then I managed to meet some of my crew, and got down to proper heist action!

We all had some banter over our headsets, before jumping on a dustbin lorry and thraping it around, picking up bin bags and shooting people in the face-bone, at last!

The online experience really can be awesome when you’re actively chatting and having a laugh with people!  I know this applied even before the heists – I’ve spent many hours playing online just because I was having a laugh with real people from all over the world as we played.  ‘Tis very good!

It seems that a few things have changed in the few months I was away.

Firstly, how the Hell is everyone else so skint??  I have about 4.7 million in the bank, so I guess that puts me in a good position to run the heists, as someone has to pay up front for them.  I will be setting some up for the crew.

Technically, I have less now, because the second thing is a couple of new vehicles that I bought.  The only really notable new vehicle is this:

The Karin Karuma.  A sportscar that feels like one, but it’s got filthy great big plates of armour all over it that actually WORK!  This means you can sit your whole crew in there and blast some f00’s out the window in safety.  It does understeer a bit, and is far from the best handling car, but it will outdrag a Double T bike – so it’s not shabby!

And there is (at last) a homing missile launcher, so you can get that irritating twat in the Buzzard who keeps picking you off.

I believe playing heists will unlock more vehicles and weapons.

It is proof that Rockstar listen to us, and you can’t fault them for keeping a game alive that’s been around for a while and is still the greatest!  And there’s more to come…

Just FFS get rid of ‘Snake’.

Drug Driving Is Officially Illegal From Today!

Drug Driving Is Officially Illegal From Today!

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According to a few news sources (who as a rare treat are actually pedalling important news that isn’t about some granny falling off a stage), today, new rules come into force to crack down on people driving under the influence of drugs.
Whilst in theory, this means less chance for people like me to get squished by big white vans stinking of ganja at 8 in the morning, it also grinds on me like an ugly stripper that you suspect has herpes, and wants to rub her damaged bits on you.
It seems that by swab tests at the roadside or ‘other tests’ back at the Police station, they can now catch you and charge you.
And it’s pretty hefty, too – 1 year minimum driving ban.  I don’t fully understand the measurements they use to identify a positive test, but they look pretty low.
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And there lies our first problem…
I have no problem with people injecting whatever drugs they like into their eyeballs or up their snouts, but if this is going to catch someone who had a sly joint 2 days ago, it’s not a good thing for anyone.
Then there’s the fact that they WILL also test for legal medication, and you can still be charged. In one link I saw this:
“People using prescription drugs – including morphine and methadone – will not be penalised if they use the drugs within the recommended amounts.”
Whoa!
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So, you’re telling me that somone with a trace of cocain in their system is more of a danger on the roads than someone who’s just had a legal dose of methadone? I’ve never had a legal dose of methadone, admittedly, but considering it’s take to replace a hit of heroin, I’m pretty sure that the dosage will fuck you right up. A trace of a stimulant drug that speeds up your reactions, vs some meth head in his dream world?
Who exactly has made these decisions?
Secondly, where the Hell did this all spring from?
I literally only saw an article this morning.  If I’d had my usual prescription dose of crack before jumping on my bike, I could have been banned!  Or, in more serious terms – did you have time to check and arrange other transport instead of risking your prescription meds?
And lastly, I do wonder how this all compares to the tits who STILL use their mobile phones whilst driving?
And I mean, every single day I see lots of drivers with them, texting away in their lap without even looking at the road for seconds at a time.
That’s, what? A £60 fine when they get caught? Not that they ever do…
I can’t help thinking that I’d fancy my chances more against a driver on LSD than some twat updating their Facebook status as they drive…
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