Crypto ‘gas’ fees are bullshit!

I’ve had a good baptism into the land of cryptocurrency trading. The main ones I bought a month ago (LRC and CRO) have done fantastic since then. Like 600% fantastic.

But I’m no expert, and still have a lot to learn about crypto…

What are you doing you stupid ape : r/ape

First off, I’m beginning to understand that crypto isn’t just created by people to decentralise finance (yeah – that’s what ‘DeFi’ means) to take it all away from the corrupt, lying, cheating banks – oh no! You soon realise that it was created by Geeks.

Let’s take a look at the stock markets, for example. You really need to learn an entire new vocabulary to understand it – let alone speak to anyone else about it. Options, naked shorting, puts, calls, bulls, bears, contracts, candles and whatever the fuck VWAP is. Even ‘selling’ doesn’t actually mean you’re selling most of the time – it means you’re actually buying borrowed shares.

But you don’t NEED to learn all that stuff. I mean, for most people, all you need is to know how to buy a share, and how to sell it again for profit (or loss). The only reason it’s all so complicated is to keep Paupers out of it, because the rich people all know that THIS is how you make a lot of money.

So they make it all sound massively complicated to keep YOUR bus-pass-owning ass well away from it all. Or you can pay one of them an obscene % fee to trade for you.

Crypto is like the rebels found a way to take some of that back, but then they all got carried away as they’re used to watching Star Trek and writing in programming language all day and decided to try and be clever cunts.

So now, even though crypto could be the poor man’s way to get rich without trusting the stock markets, they’re just as bad at becoming an Old Boys Club.

Institutional thoughtlessness': A catchy new name for the old boys club -  The Big Issue


Anyway, where was I?

Ah yes – so I decided to try and create a ‘crypto DeFi wallet’ – which is safer for storing your booty and also gives the chance to ‘stake’ your crypto and earn interest on it. Much like a bank savings account, except you can expect more like 12% interest APR and you’ll get paid daily.

Sounds too good to be true?

Yeah, so as an experiment, I sent $500 worth of a coin to my new sparkly wallet. That cost around $20 in some bullshit called a ‘gas fee’. Think of how banks used to charge you to transfer your own money somewhere. Nice going, Geeks.

IT Crowd Season 4 - 4x02 The Final Countdown - video Dailymotion

But that wasn’t too bad. I’d tried to be a bit sneaky by sending a crypto I thought might be cheaper to transfer, so now I just had to convert my $480 worth to my chosen coin to get all that juicy interest!

So I tried to convert it in the wallet… but couldn’t. Err, ok.

It turns out that to do anything with it, I have to buy another type of crypto – ETH – which is the only way I can pay the fees to transfer it. Oh, and you can’t just move it back out, as that also costs you – but they can’t take that out of your balance again either – that also has to be paid separately in ETH!

For cooks sake!!!

So I had to buy ETH in my wallet – minimum $40.

Try again… oh great! Now it’s telling me that it will cost me $300 of ETH to convert my $480 into another coin.

So I think “go fornicate yourself with a rusty iron stick” and just take the loss to send it back out of my wallet where I wasn’t getting fucked to death at every turn by Geek Fees.

But I can’t do that, because the gas fees to do that are $240!!!

Funny Frustration Quotes. QuotesGram

This is the sort of reason why 99% of people I know will never touch crypto with a -ing bargepole!

The fees are absolute bullshit unless you’re moving tens of thousands of $’s around the place. Average Joe Pauper? Forget it.

Although… there is a rumour that Loopring are creating a new type of easy to use and almost free ‘counterfactual’ wallet. Combine that with their (also rumoured) partnership with Gamestop…

Will this really be the thing that brings crypto access to the masses? Because someone needs to, and both of these companies have the ability to cut out all of the geeky bullshit.

And if they do it successfully… That could make their own shares/crypto worth a world-changing figure.

Also – the Loopring counterfactual wallet is due to be released this quarter.

Loopring bringing the hype on twitter : r/Superstonk

Missed out on Bitcoin? Get back in the Loop(ring)

So, you all ignored my last post about Gamestop, and how buying just one share will make you rich, didn’t you?? DIN’TCHA??

“But you’re not rich, either!”

You’re right – because that is not a ‘get rich quick’ bullshit scheme – it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity that will not ever be allowed to happen again.

But fear not, you stingey buggers! There is an even cheaper way!

There is a new crypto coin which will you will soon see everywhere – meet Loopring (LRC).

Investing In Loopring (LRC) - Everything You Need to Know -

Do you understand crypto currencies? No, well hardly anyone does. And you don’t really need to, other than to know it’s making millionaires when these weird, worthless ‘coins’ take off in price.

I mean, Bitcoin could be bought for pennies a few years back, and now it’s worth $68,000 for ONE coin! Imagine if you’d bought 1000 of them when it was $1?

Which brings me to a tangent story that’s worth mentioning. Some crazy man bought $8000 worth of Dogecoin 5 months ago. Last week that was worth $5.4b. That a ‘b’ for BILLION. Seriously. And what the Hell even is a Dogecoin???

If you’re still a bit worried about keeping your job or affording to eat and pay your 400% gas bill increases, you’d be crazy not to be putting a few quid on these random cyrpto coins just in case they go boom…

Anyway, back to LRC.

I had heard a few rumours that sounded a bit sexy about LRC – the quick takeaways are that it makes buying, selling and transferring your crypto around much cheaper and faster. I mean, they don’t tell you that when you do stuff with your Bitcoins it costs you a lot of money in “gas fees”. It is not free. Loopring improves the speed and price (how does free sound?) of using the Etherium network.

Seriously, I’m boring myself, and you can go look up the technical side of all this if you’re really interested. Take a look at this link to Loopring University on Reddit.

For now, the other big take away you need about LRC is that, to quote from another Reddit post (check this out as it’s going to save me banging on about the ‘why’ etc):

“In short… Loopring is capable of becoming the new stock market, or to simply bring mass adoption to NFTs and cryptocurrency in general.”

It is THAT huge.

As I type this, LRC sits around the £3 mark – I first bought in around $0.38, so am already doing quite well. But imagine where this can go?

And this is where I’m linking (or looping!) back to Gamestop. Because it’s them in partnership with the Loopring tech that is going to launch both of these to the moon. Very shortly – as Loopring have confirmed it will be during this quarter.

So this is probably the last warning from me that you’re going to get to jump onto this bandwagon. People claim every new coin is the next Bitcoin – but this REALLY may be. If not to $68k, it will be $10-30 by Christmas. Then with the announcement, who knows how high it will go?

I joke about sending me part of your profits when it pays off, but what I really want you to do is improve your life and the lives of those around you.

Do random acts of senseless kindness like dropping big bucks into a charity, or to that homeless person you pass every day.

Make the world a better place.

Now go – do it!


Christ, I nearly forgot something!

Assuming a lot of you reading this haven’t ever bought crypto currencies, you might need some help – here are my referral codes and links to a few brokers, so you can get free money and stuff if you sign up using my details: – jnwdbn5sk6

Binance –

Coinbase –

Who wants to be a Gorrillionaire?

First off – yes I am still alive. I know I’ve neglected you lot for… *checks* 6 years?!? But now I’ll make up for that…

“Are you going to finally post all the old erotic blogs you’ve been edging us with for the last ten years?”

No, no I am not!

But I am going to give you a chance to jump on a rocket that’s about to launch to the moon – and make you so rich! Seriously.

So, up until January 2021 I assumed the stock market was for rich people to take even more money off poor people – especially idiots like me who have no idea about it and would have probably fallen asleep before you could have told me what NYSE stood for.

I had, however, been wishing I’d invested in Bitcoin 20 years ago because I quite fancy being a millionaire. So I was sort-of giving it all the side-eye trying to make some sense of anything and not lose the meagre savings I have.

I saw a few random rumblings about GameStop (GME) stock that seemed exciting, and so I had a look at Reddit for the first time to try and find out what it was all about.

Long story short – that lead to me buying into a rollercoaster ride with the first shares I’ve ever held, and 8 months (so far) of extremely intensive studying of the US stock markets. It’s been a proper obsession and you will not believe how corrupt the whole thing is.

Basically, the rich boy club hedgefunds and bankers are screwing the economy and the retail traders (people like you and me) for every penny we have, and their so-called regulators were at the least doing nothing, and at worst in partnership with them. That’s getting better with the new head of the SEC, but my play to make a quick profit with GME stock has also now become a stand against the greed of these scumbags taking all the money and bankrupting innocents companies so that they can profit.

You can find all that stuff on Reddit, though.

The important thing that you need to know is that the hedgies and banks have ‘naked shorted’ (sold shares that they don’t own and have fraudulently created in order to drive the stock price down) GME shares expecting the company to die – but millions of people (or Apes, if you want to properly join us!) have bought shares that we refuse to sell back to them. This means that they will need to buy back all of the shares many times over (they’ve shorted somewhere between 140% and 9000% of the number of shares that should exist), which in turn means the stock price will go to unheard-of levels.

How high?

The current share price is $160. In January we would have sold for $1000. Since finding out all the fuckery that’s going on to rig the stock market, we’re now thinking more like $40 million. Per share.

That’s not a bad return.

This is known as a ‘short squeeze’ – but bigger than any before because of their greed in trying to destroy the company.

If you don’t trust that, then consider that GameStop have hired a dream team of management and aim to rival Amazon, have cleared all of their debt, raised $2 billion in capital, and have massive plans to transform for the future. The stock price is estimated to be worth anything from $600 to $2000 within the next few years. This really is a no-brainer to invest.

For some reason I have to make it clear that this is not financial advice, and you should do what you want with your money and not listen to me. I’m just a smooth-brained ape.

But seriously, buy yourself just one share as soon as you possibly can. Assume that money is lost… but what if that $160 gets you $40 million?! You really want to pass that chance up???


If you have a bank account, you can probably open up a Stocks and Shares ISA within minutes with your bank, through your app or online. The downside is that they will charge you about £10 per trade, and make it as hard as possible to understand what to do (they don’t want the poor people getting money from the stock market). Don’t be shy about that fee – it will be nothing to you out of your overall profit.

If you’re in the UK, any profit you get back will be tax free, rather than the 20% Capital Gains Tax you’ll be liable for through other methods. Don’t get scared about this, because you’ll be able to pay an accountant to sort all of this out for you afterwards while you spend six months on a sunny beach deciding what you want to buy.

Get rich with me, Stonks meme' The Wee Pouch | Spreadshirt

“I’m not paying fees!”

I hear you – I started out this way, too!

There are a few free brokers you can use. Do some research on them.

If you want to use one of the ones I’m with and possibly get free stuff, feel free to use these links:

eToro – very easy to use, but I’m still not sure how much they can be trusted when our balances start to look like telephone numbers. I hope they’re ok, but they’re not as safe as a bank.

DeGiro – Supposedly a little ‘safer’ but there is a small fee with these. But you can buy GME and AMC (if you want the slightly dodgy, cheaper younger cousin).

“Oh, I see, you’re just trying to get me to sign up so you get $50!”

FFS I’ve just said we’re aiming for at least $40 MILLION PER SHARE! I really don’t give a shit about $50, plus it’ll take months for me to see it – but it might at least be a nice nod of thanks to me for changing your life. Feel free to find your own. (but FFS don’t use Robinhood)

Make no mistake – this is the biggest transfer of wealth from the rich to the poor in the history of the world.

This is going to happen very soon, and the only question is exactly how much the share price will go to.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and will potentially net you wealth to not only get a Lambo and drink champagne, but to do good with!

How about buying houses for those in need to use? Buying hospital equipment? Making sure your family never have to worry about money ever again?

Screw your National Lottery ticket – this is a sure thing.

We’re going to the moon, baby!

Smashing Wing Mirrors – Biker vs Cars

Smashing Wing Mirrors – Biker vs Cars

Image result for biker smashes car mirror

You’ve all seen the videos – car cuts up biker, so biker speeds up close to the car, punches their wing mirror like they’re a Russian gymnasts’ coach, and roars away between the traffic.

First off, I haven’t smashed a mirror. Yet.

I’ve kicked cars, slapped them, but my common response in these situations is to get close and simply point or touch their mirror as if to say “You’re supposed to use this!.

I know there are a lot of bikers who will justify mirror smashing by saying “well they’re not using it anyway”- which is kind of funny in the bravado sense, but pretty flawed.

I mean, if they haven’t got a mirror, and they’re already driving like a tit before, what do you think will happen next time you meet them?

And that’s one of the main reasons why I don’t do it – retaliation.

If you’re riding the same route every day on your way to work, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out they can lay in wait for you, or simply get you back the next time you try to go past them.

Image result for biker smashes car mirror

In the battle between a motorcycle and 2 tonne of car, all it takes is a quick flick of their wheel and they’re on top of you or sending you flying into an oncoming bus. Not good.

What I’m seeing with a growing number of these videos is also worrying: the biker smashes the mirror and then… hangs around shouting more at the driver. Seriously, you think you can smash someone’s car up and not get them mad? I mean, mad enough to lose their mind even if they ARE mentally stable, and run you the fuck over???

If you are going to do it, you smash the mirror, and before the first shard of glass hits the road you need to be full throttle off down the road – and preferably filtering between traffic so the chasing car has no chance to catch up. Because if they do catch you and run you over, you have nobody to blame but yourself… Plus you just got beaten by a car, you slow dick-bag! LOSER.

Image result for car runs over motorcycle

With the amount of mirror-smashing videos around, another danger here is that car drivers will start to think we all go around smashing mirrors. This means they might expect it, and so will either ram you as you do it or maybe even pre-empt you and ram you the moment you get close. This is also not good.

And what do you think happens if they get your licence plate and report you to the Police for criminal damage?

I’m not saying some people don’t deserve to have their mirror removed – but have a think about consequences, both short and long-term.

That said, if it’s not a route you regularly take, and you can get away with it…

Related image

Alvechurch Plague Pit

This came up on some ‘Spotted Alvechurch’ type Facebook group a while back.

I think someone had heard about a plague pit in Alvechurch where victims of The Black Death had been thrown into a mass grave, and they were doubting it.

Of course, a load of us old time locals then confirmed that it was true and through up a few memories of it!

It’s only after this that I realised how freakily weird that sort of thing really is.

Yeah, I grew up around a plague pit. Big whoop – wanna fight about it?

Basically, it was well known that just outside Alvechurch village, and a short walk down the aptly named “Pestilence Lane” was a large pit where they had buried people who died from bubonic plague.

If you weren’t aware of the pit before, you were certainly made aware of it when they were building the M42 motorway just South of Birmingham, as this runs straight through the middle of it. When doing the work they actually had to do loads of tests and studies to make sure the plague wasn’t still active and going to kill everyone when they dug the ground up.

Map of Pestilence Ln, Alvechurch, Birmingham B48 7TJ

As it was, the tests deemed it safe, and records will say that the Junction 2 ‘Hopwood Services’ are build on the site.

Pestilence lane was cut in half by the M42, with one end still in existence and the other sold to a private buyer who sealed it off.

Before this it was a regular walk with my Mum to go down Pestilence Lane past the pit. It was always a bit creepy around there, and many claimed to have seen ghosts.

I myself once saw what looked like the figure of a woman in that area in a headscarf and olde fashionede dress. But then we also once saw a totally naked (and shaved!!) man lay on his back in a field around there, and ran back home for my Mom to report it to the Police!

This was probably not plague related.

I can remember a few times standing in the field where the pit was believed to be. It was a sloped field and the large dip clearly visible in the grass.

The last time I went there was after the lane had been sold, and I may have accidentally and without knowing climbed over a barbed-wire bedecked fence, using the Keep Out sign to get over it. The land owners did catch me and gave me a rollocking, but, you know – ramblers rights and all that!

Before they caught me I did stand in the field overlooking the pit again, and if I am correct, the pit was still there and still visible. The motorway must have just clipped one edge of the pit, but it not where the services are built.

I did try to find some ariel views of the plans of the services as well as anything marking the location of the pit, but couldn’t find anything, so can’t confirm this for definite, other than what I’ve seen.

So, yeah – not only did I spend my formative years living and sleeping literally next to a graveyard, but there was a real life plague pit a short walk away.

All perfectly normal.

All perfectly weird.

Cars Vs Cyclists – but who’s missing?

Cars Vs Cyclists – but who’s missing?

Image result for car vs bike

It’s the age old argument of who has more rights and who should have more rights – a car or bicycle.

They hate each other, and if one ever posts criticizing the other, within the first few comments you will see things get personal or even violent.

A Facebook friend recently posted a satirical blog about things cyclists do that annoy car drivers, and literally got a death threat from a cyclist for it!

Some of my most viewed YouTube videos, with hundreds of thousands of views, are ones that feature a cyclist or even just that ‘c’ word in the title. To read the comments you’d think I hate cyclists myself – and very few will ever know or bother to watch the videos where I’ve stood up and even protected cyclists.

Hell, some of my best friends are cyclists. Personally, the thought of cycling on modern roads scares the shit out of me and it’s a disaster waiting to happen, but I digress…

There’s someone missing from these road wars.

Image result for filtering motorcycle


Whenever legislation is passed, new rules created or road markings laidd, they NEVER think about motorbikes.


How else do you explain Advanced Stop Lines (ASL’s)? These are the boxes you’ll find at traffic lights as a refuge for cyclists, so they can safely filter through and safely set off first when the lights turn green to keep cyclists safe from cars. No other vehicles are allowed to stop within the ASL.

Related image

Wait – what?

So a motorbike, that has filtered to the front, is not offered the same safety? Even though the biker is just as vulnerable? Even though that motorbike will out-accelerate very easily any car or cyclist, so it makes even more sense for them to be at the front?

Clearly, when they set the ASL laws they’d forgotten about motorbikes, and it was all car vs cycle as usual.

Birmingham is quite good, but a lot of other cities won’t let motorbikes use bus lanes, which makes no sense at all if cyclists can.

There’s never any talk of special motorcycle only roads or paths, despite everyone having a cry that motorbikes account for 99.4% of road fatalities or whatever. Why?

Oh the Government will give you money off a new cycle to save the environment and cut congestion, and celebrate you, and give you lots of free, secure parking – but not if you want a motorcycle! And you’re going to give thousands of cars cheap road tax (yeah I know it’s not road tax – I just wanted you to have THAT rant again!) but motorbikes still pay full, and quite often more than car fees.

WTF is all that about?

All we do get is signs put up by the side of the road saying esoteric things like “THINK BIKE!” that nobody really knows what it means or who it’s there for? I mean, are they to get cars to look out for bikers or are they to get bikers to stop riding like idiots?

How about you remember the other group out there cutting congestion on our over-crowded roads chock-full of single-occupancy steel boxes?

Remember traffic jams are a car problem – not a bike one. And that means BOTH lots of bikes.

Image result for car vs bike

Kodi Add-Ons not working? Phoenix etc fixed for free films!

Kodi Add-Ons not working? Phoenix etc fixed for free films!

***Link updated 29/08/17***

OK. So Phoenix and UK Turks and probably loads of other Kodi add ons that we all know and love have now been shut down.

Have a weep and then get over it – they’re not coming back.

So let’s get something on Kodi again so we can watch free movies and TV!

The guide I tried was to install Skynet – this didn’t work directly, but using the same steps I did get Maverick to install, which seems to actually be Skynet once it’s all working. Confused? Yes, so was I, but now I’m just watching free shit again instead, because whatever it is, it works!

Here’s what to do to get it on your Amazon Firestick:

  1. This is assuming you already had Phoenix or something on your Firestick. If you didn’t, then there are some other steps first before this will work. If you did have other add-ons working, then this will work.

  2. From the Kodi menu click on “System”. 


  3. Select “File Manager” 


  4. Go down to “Add Source”  


  5. In ‘Enter Path’ type in: 


  6. Go down to ‘Enter Name’ and call it Skynet.

  7. Click “OK”. This should now have a small popup flash at the bottom of the screen – if you get a box saying “Source could not be found” or another error, you’ve done it wrong or this method isn’t working. Go back to the start and try again, or get the Monopoly board out. Or take the dog for a walk. If it worked, you’re in business, so do this:

  8. Go back to the main Kodi menu and click “System”.

  9. Click “Add Ons” 


  10. Click “Install from zip file” 


  11. Select “Skynet” (here mine is called “Skynet (2)” as I’m doing this again to show you!  


  12. Select repository.maverick (whatever it’s called) 


  13. Go back and select “Install from repository” 


  14. Select Maverick TV Repo 


  15. Select “Video Add ons” 


  16. Enable the ones you want! I don’t know what the rest do, so just do “Skynet” if in doubt. 


  17. Go back to the main Kodi screen, go to ‘Video Add ons’, and Skynet is there with all it’s goodies! 




Biker Vs The World Part 24

If you’ve been following me on YouTube you’ll know all about my infamous ‘Biker Vs The World’ videos.

These are a compilation of ‘incidents’ from my helmet cam footage onboard my bikes.

Whilst the clips everyone wants to see are those where I almost get killed by idiot car drivers, or where I get involved in road rage, I do try to inject a bit of humour and even ‘feels’ into them – you’ll see the trucker at the end of this one!

The first clip in Part 24 is a recent one from a terrible rainy morning. A Mini had sped past me and I was loosely following. He went through a crossroads where a car was waiting, and as I approached I was in direct line of sight to the – let’s call him a Cunt, because he is – Cunt, he waited until I got even closer and then went directly across the road in front of me.

I had to slam on my brakes, and the ONLY reason I didn’t crash right there was because that piece of road is covered in Shell Grip. I was looking for a place to turn around to go and batter the absolute fuck of that Cunt (and I don’t actually know if it was a man or woman driving, because I couldn’t see – I just get the feeling this was a male), but there wasn’t a handy turning place.

There was no excuse.

Incidentally, I almost burst a blood vessel in my neck or something when I shouted. That hurt.



Free & easy way to claim back your PPI

Free & easy way to claim back your PPI

Here’s another useful one for you – or you Brits, at least. All you ‘Merkins and other wild and wonderful nationalities will have to sit this one out.

If you haven’t been hassled yet by people claiming they can get you thousands in PPI (Payment Protection Insurance), then you’re probably an illegal immigrant and I’ve reported you.

The deal is, for years banks, credit cards, and loans were charging loads of people for insurance they couldn’t even use.  You probably never even knew you were paying it.

These companies hassling you will take your details and then do everything for you, and then present you with some money at the end of it.

Except they’ll be taking their big dirty great cut out of it (and there is no limit, so this can be 20% to literally whatever they want to take).  

That’s not too bad if you really can’t be arsed to claim yourself – but all they do is send a letter/email to the companies you had a product with and ask for any money owed.

BUT – and that’s a big but and you love them – you can just send the -ing letters yourself and get ALL of the money back!

Even better than that, but the excellent posted a link to the Resolver website that will cut out all the hard work, meaning you can claim in just a few minutes, with minimal information.

The Resolver quick claim tool will ask you a few short questions about who you are (name, address etc) and who the loan/card etc was with, and then create a template, email it to the companies, and then the companies will contact you directly.

With some of mine, I was as vague as knowing a rough year that I had a credit card from a company, and that was still enough, as the bank will then check their records to find your account number etc.

All the banks I sent templates to through this service replied directly within a few days, and the claims were all sorted out within a week or two and a letter sent out to me. I didn’t expect to get anything back at all, but had a text this morning saying I was getting £200 – and by the time I’d logged into my banking account the money was already there!

Seriously that easy.

So if you haven’t succummed to these blood-suckers yet, or even if you’re not sure if you’re even owed anything, take 2 mins of your time and do it this way.

Feel free to send me 5% of what you get back.

Store Loyalty Card Rant

Store Loyalty Card Rant

Loyalty reward cards.

I have had a Nectar card for about 20 years, now.

I have used it every single time I’ve gone to Sainsburys, every time I’ve filled up with fuel, and even have it linked to Ebay now.

I also have petrol cards for Shell and Texaco, that I’ve always used – and bear in mind I did 2 years as a motorcycle courier.

I’ve had store cards from places that have since closed, or stopped their card schemes.

Almost every time I pay for anything in a shop, I’m also swiping some kind of card.

Do you know how much I’ve got back from it?


Yep – not a single penny back!

So why the fuck am I still wasting my time scanning some stupid shitty card that’s ALWAYS in my wallet, along with 68 other pointless fucking store cards??

OK so the Nectar card isn’t totally worthless, and apparently I do have a bit of money to claim on there – if I ever get around to it.

Tesco Clubcard at least send you out vouchers you can use to get 50p off a meal deal every two and a half years, but that’s the only one even vaguely worth anything.

Morrisons ‘Match and More’ card must be one of the best, as that little fucker has cheek to dangle the carrot for you!

Sure, occasionally you’ll be given a voucher for £5 after paying for your 75th £90 shop there – but then check out the expiry date!

Yes – you’ve got 2 mins 47 secs to cash the cunt in!  And you KNOW you’re not doing another Big Shop for at least 3 weeks, because you’ve just stocked up on tinned All Day Breakfasts and Pot Noodles!

And that’s if you’re lucky!  Normally the useless shower of bastards will issue you with 14 different vouchers for 3p off some product you’ve never bought before in your life. Not that they matter either, as you’re now down to only 2 mins 44 secs before if fucking expires!

So unless you’re the type of stringy beard, glasses wearing, tweed coat wanker who’ll cut 645 2p off vouchers out of Womans Own magazine (in which case why bother with a shit store ‘loyalty’ card anyway?), and spend 4 fucking hours in the ’10 Items or Less’ line with 14 irritated cunts staring at the back of your head hoping you’ll die, there’s every chance you’re getting fuck-all from these cards, too!

So, am I going to throw the little plastic twat away and save around 10 days of my life swiping the bastard?

No, of course not!

I’m going to carry on scanning every fucking card every fucking time I buy any fucking thing.

That’s the kind of loyal cunt I am.