Behind The Wheel Of A Red, Snorting Italian Beast

Behind The Wheel Of A Red, Snorting Italian Beast

As it’s a few weeks before my test, and the car could come in useful for the house-moving antics before that, I decided to bite the bullet and pay out to get my car taxed and insured.

Long story short on this, but invaluable info: I used ALL the online comparison sites and was getting the odd price for 3rd Part on a Provisional driving license that came in at under £1000.  Erk.  A lot of hard work later my lowest quote was just under £700.

As a last-ditch attempt, I rang up the local insurance brokers based in my village, because they did great things with my business insurance.  They didn’t let me down – advising that if I added a random ‘second driver’ to my policy (I thought about Michael Schumacher but settled on my Mum) then the price drops.  To £470 for fully comprehensive insurance in this case!  It would have been cheaper after I’d passed my test, but I wanted some driving hours before the test…

That’s the boring stuff that might help someone, now for my first drive of MY car, and the first drive without dual controls!

My Ex-Step Dad seemed vaguely keen on taking me out in the car, and because he’s worked on it for years I thought it was a good idea incase he hears/feels anything wrong with the car.

He surprised me by saying he actually failed his first test.  Now considering he’s a National racing champion, and rebuilt his first engine when he was about 8 years old, that says it all about the true value of the UK driving test!  Any spastic can pass as long as they drive to pass the test, rather than learn to drive.

So I sat in the little Fiat.  Everything looked a bit rickety and bare compared to the modern Fiesta I’ve been learning in.

The gearbox gate felt scarily close together, so I was already looking forward to changing down when I was trying to change up a gear!  And no rev counter?!?!  WTF?!?

The good news is there’s a CD/radio player in there and a sun roof!

I started off by getting the feel of things and was very surprised by how easily it pulled away.  Especially as the handbrake was still on.  Err… OK, so it’s not the best of handbrakes, in that it doesn’t actually stop the car rolling or moving in any realistic way at all.  Apparently this is something I need to ‘get used to’.

I’d been really worried about the lack of power steering, but probably because the Fiat is so light, it was barely even noticeable!  If anything, it was better because there was much more ‘feel’.

All in all, I was expecting the old crappy car to fight me all the way, but amazingly I found it extremely easy to drive.

Neither of us died or caught fire, either, so that’s a Good Thing.

I think he’s even willing to come out with me again!

I be on tha roads fo’ realz, yo!

Legal Drugs! Get Some Ivory Wave!!!

Legal Drugs!  Get Some Ivory Wave!!!
I caught some of the breakfast news on GMTV this morning and it was this ‘news’ story:

GMTV on Ivory Wave and Legal Highs – (link is now dead, but it was all about the horrors of this killer legal drug)

*gets his knees a-jerking*

Right.  First off I’d never heard of ‘Ivory Wave’ before this. Now I know it’s obviously good stuff, and they even show you how you can Google it to buy some!  Yay them!
This Evil substance apparently killed a 24 year old man by making him jump off a cliff into the sea.  OK… Does anyone else think it mayyyyyy just not have been ‘Ivory Wave’ that was the ACTUAL cause of death here?
To get the press up in arms again, they’re billing this as the most lethal drug since Mephedrone was banned.  Err… so they mean the Mephedrone that everyone went all Frothy-Mouthed Gaa-Gaa over, got banned, and it now turns out that despite millions of reported users, there is only possibly ONE person who died because of the drug?  And I believe even that person had taken a cocktail of other drugs at the same time as the Mephedrone…

Umm… I bet more people have died after an allergic reaction to a cup of tea in the last year.  Nasty stuff that PG Tips is!

Ironically, I’d never heard of Mephedrone before the press started baying about it, either.  I got straight on t’internet and bought some after seeing a local news reporter take some on TV to show it’s ‘horrific’ effects – which seemed pretty damned good to me!

I didn’t die.  I didn’t get addicted.  I didn’t turn into a criminal.  It didn’t turn me into a raving psychotic.  OK, so I may have been a raving psychotic BEFORE, but meh…
I should also say that sex on Mephedrone was rather bloody enjoyable, too!
Next, they go on to claim that these new ‘legal highs’ are actually a cocktail of illegal drugs!  I think not!  Can you imagine someone buying Billy’s Brainflutter (and that’s a made up name and I hold the copyright now) INSTEAD of a good straight bag of cocaine???  It would NEVER happen!

Besides, if they did contain any traces of an illegal drug, then they WOULDN’T BE FUCKING ‘LEGAL’, WOULD THEY?!?

Alcohol, tobacco and coffee are clearly more deadly in all areas, and kill more people PER DAY than Ivory Wave has EVER killed.  And yet here we go again with the media jumping on the bandwagon to get it banned just like Mephedrone.

And what do they think will happen to the people who wanted to take these ‘legal highs’ when they ban them?

I’ll tell you what – they’ll go out and buy the equivalent illegal drug.  The same illegal drug which is completely unregulated, with no comeback on suppliers, which doesn’t pay any tax, which funds criminals, and which almost certainly WILL be mixed with other illegal drugs at best and bleach or some other deadly product at worst.

Plus for their quick dose they run the risk of getting a criminal record and ruining their lives.  On some recreational subject proven to be safer than alcohol and tobacco?!

It’s madness!

Get a fucking grip and stop buying into this knee-jerk bullshit that the press and Governments force-feed you, and have a go at thinking for yourself and making your own choices!


It’s come to my attention that it might not come across as well as intended that this blog is dripping with SARCASM!  I DO NOT advise anyone to go out and buy Ivory Wave or any other drug – I’m not going to.

Having said that, I want to have the CHOICE to, after I’ve researched it and if I decide it’s anything I’d be interested in.  And if, as it appears, it’s safer than the can of cider I’m drinking as I type this, then why the Hell should I not be allowed to make that choice?

Bird Stuck Up A Tree

Bird Stuck Up A Tree

I know this sounds like it’ll be a blog about a life crisis told in metaphors, but that’s because you’re too clever for your own good!

This weekend myself and Lill Boo had to place the dubious emergency call that there was a pigeon stuck up a tree!

It seemed the little flying bugger had got something tangled around it’s leg, and I first saw it flapping around as it hung upside down, slowly swinging like the moody and feathered internals of a Grandfather Clock.

I’m sure it’d take a good few days for it to die and bats to eat its eyeballs or whatever, and finding the RSPB was closed at weekends, a call was placed to the RSPCA.  Surprisingly, they sent someone out for the ‘Bird stuck up a tree’ call!

Normally I’d tell you some grand tale of adventure and bravery here, as we battled to free the be-winged creature, only to end up with shots fired, injuries, and diving catches.

Unfortunately, Lill Boo was watching out the window, so after watching us struggle into position after formulating a plan to bring the branch down – she saw that as I got into position to catch the pigeon *has the name ‘Penelope Pitstop’ spring into his head*, and the RSPCA Officer stood on his vans roof with a big long pokey thing, the pigeon flew off as if nothing had happened.


The true irony is that Lill Boo -ing hates pigeons anyway!  Next time we’re just closing the curtains a bit so we can’t see it and ignoring it.

Speaking of birds and stuff, I never told you about the Man Test I had to undergo a couple of months ago!

I was down the garage workshop chatting cars and bikes when we noticed a big bloody chicken leg it inside, closely followed by Overall Man in that hands-out running crouch that people running after chickens apparently have to adopt.

Being three men together, of course we all joined in the chase, trying to head the chicken off and box it in – as you do.

After a good few minutes of trying, and several successful escapes by the Ninja Chicken, I suddenly found myself face to face with it’s evil eyes, and to my horror realised that I was the one who was going to have to make the grab!

Now, despite being a man who’s experienced a lot of very weird and wonderful things in my lifetime, having to actually pick up a chicken is not one of the ones I’ve ever done.

I know many have a phobia of chickens.  Maybe it’s because they’ve been known to peck peoples eyeballs out for trying to pick them up the wrong way?  This and many similar thoughts ran through my head, as did the thought that this was a very definite Man Test, witnessed by two other alpha males.

I couldn’t let them down, and I definitely couldn’t let the chicken escape. Or accidentally kill it.

All of Abe’s chickeny blogs ran through my mind, and I searched them for useful tips that didn’t include shotguns.

In the end I just grabbed the bastard, learning how chickens certainly do have breasts, and their sole purpose seems to be for a leather-clad man to grab from behind…

Err… so yes – I passed the man test and safely handed the bird (still alive) back to Overall Man.

And only a bit of wee came out.