The Rush

Anyone who knows me will say that I’m a pretty laid-back person.  Some would say I’m so laid-back you can actually see the soles of my shoes as I’m walking.

In direct contrast to this, my interests (and some of my jobs!) have always involved extreme levels of intensity.

For the most part, I get involved in an activity and it totally consumes me.  I don’t mind not being the best at what I do – but I will put every part of my soul into finding out just how well I can do something!  Then, I’ll move onto the next thing…

Even from when I was an early teen, I found that I got a very intense rush from writing poems and stories.  The experience was almost like being sick – scribbling out the words all at once and then sitting back feeling relief.  Calm.

The band came next.  Playing the bass or taking on vocal duties for a band is pretty extreme – but the buzz you get from stepping onto a stage in front of people can completely overwhelm some people.  I found I thrived on it!

And not just folk music, of course – my choice was thrash, death metal, grindcore – anything fast and loud!

I never had a massive interest in sports at school until I got to do things my way.

None of the pansy-assed school soccer or rugby – I got out there and joined a full kit US Football team, and let my psychosis carry me through!

People say US Football is all stop-starty – but I bet they’ve never played it.  In the time the ball isn’t actually moving, before that whistle blows, the anticipation is immense.

You’re about to smash your way through people who will try to seriously injure you – and everyone is wearing bloody armour so they can hit each other even harder!  If you think THAT is ‘a bit boring’ then you’re a -ing idiot!

Next came the clubbing days.  Not seals – the music type.  Hard as bastardy techno and trance… Dancing like a loon through the night to it…

Each thing seeemd to be getting more extreme – more intense.

Then I bought a motorbike – not for a rush, but just to get me to work.

If only I would have known years before… I still say my bike is the best thing I’ve ever bought in my life.

I guess looking back it’s no surprise I’d get into sportsbikes, where I can experience 1000hp per tonne blasting me to 60mph in under 3 seconds, and stupid lean angles as I scrape my knees on the tarmac at over 100mph!

Not many would have pegged me for getting a cruiser motorcycle and plodding around on it just for the image!  Give me the foetal position at 190mph any day!

Most of these previous things apart from bikes have fallen by the wayside now.  I do still demonstrate martial arts in almost every aspect of my life (and a lot of those activities above!), but I think even that peaked a few years back when I was sparring with friends for hours every single night preparing for a no holds barred tournament.  Now I still learn new techniques, but hardly do any proper training – so you can bet I’m weak and slow compared to how I was.

The bike thing is still going strong, and earlier this week I had this arrive on my doorstep:

MSA ARDS National B Racing License

That’s my car racing license!

For the last few months I’ve been totally immersing myself in the Skip Barber race manual learning ungodly amounts of stuff about race car physics and techniques, so the intensity for driving racing cars has already hit me.

Just wait until I slide myself into that single seater for the first time, and we’ll see what kind of rush I get from this one.

The way I see it – if you’re not constantly chasing that rush, you’re doing it wrong!

 

WE’RE BREEDING A GENERATION OF PUSSY-ASSED RETARDS!

Following on from my rant yesterday about everyones knee-jerk reaction to children grappling inside a ‘cage’, watching the news today confirmed why people are even thinking this way.

So what was todays ‘Get Nasty Evil Ninja Swearing And Wanting To Slap The Eyebrows Off People’ story?

School bans leather footballs from playground

*breathes deeply and counts to 10*

So, in case any of the little darlings in our schools get hurt whilst standing around in the areas where other children are playing ball games, schools across the UK have started to ban the use of traditional leather footballs in favour of sponge balls.

Yeah?!  I’ll tell you who’s got the fucking sponge balls!  YOU, YOU HEALTH & SAFETY COCK-NOSES!!!

We’re already shit at football in England, and now they’re taking away the realism of even learning to hone our skills in the playground?  Get real!

If you get hit in the head with a ball, then chances are you were playing in the same area as they were playing ball games.  Or playing the game yourself.  Either way it’s tough titty!

What next?  Ban kids from running around lest they have a little fliddy fall over and tear their petticoat?

Ban them from bending down or jumping?

Hopscotch?  Jumping on ONE leg?  Oh no no no!  They must now walk, trying to keep both feet on the floor and wearing a special helmet, elbow and knee pads!

Our kids are already getting more retarded with each year, so how the Hell is pandering to the lowest common denominator helping anyone?  Let the clumsy little bastards hurt themselves and they might learn not to do it again – don’t change the whole fucking World around them to make amends!

They already brought in a rule years ago that kids aren’t allowed to play conkers without first wearing protective goggles, games like British Bulldog was banned on the first day of every term all through my school life, and I’ve even heard from a friend in Canada that they’ve banned the netting on the backs of the goal in case kids ‘get tangled up in them’!?!

They can’t even do Sack Races in school sports days, incase they fall over…  Not that they’d be allowed to win or lose the race, anyway…

Do they still let kids do science lessons?  I’m sure craft lessons are long gone to stop them accidentally stabbing themselves or bludgeoning each other to death with cotton reels and crepe paper!

It’s time the fuck-tards in charge of Health and Safety accept that humans have been doing this crap for centuries without dying out.  Surely Judges and solicitors can get real and throw out cases on the grounds of Darwinism?

Yeah, the meek are inheriting the Earth, alright…

Crappy US Football Is Too Stop-Starty!

People in England always say about how American Football is far too stop-starty, but they’re fooling themselves.

The great thing about US football is that from the split second that whistle blows until (just after) if blows again, it’s 100% intensity and commitment.  You have to have total awareness or you’ll get murdered.

I assume the people saying it’s stop-starty are comparing it wih rugby and soccer… when if you think about it for 90% of the game in those you’re jogging about half-assedly barely even paying attention.  How’s that better than giving it absolutely everything you’ve got and then stopping to discuss the next best way to give it everything again?

Until you’ve played in full kit you really can’t appreciate how intense it all is.

When you’re playing, believe me when I say it doesn’t stop.

The other big whinge most Brits have is “They wear all that padding, the big puffs!”.

First off, I was watching some of the Six Nations rugby yesterday (my first time watching rugby in a long time), and I was very surprised to see that not only are a lot of players wearing head guards now, but many also appeared to be wearing shoulder pads?!  So that’s pissed on your bonfire!

Having played both, I understand how totally different the two sports are.  Sure, rugby is hard, but if you haven’t got the ball and have no intention of getting it, you won’t find some 300lb linebacker is suddenly all you see before sky, ground and pain.

That ‘padding’ in US Football is also very convenient to use to try and hurt whoever you’re hitting.  Again, if you haven’t played in full kit you’ll never be able to appreciate how hard people hit BECAUSE of the ‘padding’.

It’s a brutal game.  It’s very tribal and primitive, and even much like a small scale war.

If you haven’t played it (and I notice that I’ve NEVER met anyone who’s actually played who still thinks it’s for pansies), then you’re missing out on an extreme experience!

And on that note, today is Superbowl Sunday!

Tonight, my favourite team – The Pittsburgh Steelers – will take on what is probably my second favourite team – The Green Bay Packers – in the Greatest Show On Earth.

It’s just a shame about the adverts….

So I have beer and snacks in, and can’t -ing wait for what should be a great match up!

*waves his Terrible Towel*

Nasty Evil Ninja’s World Cup Blog

Nasty Evil Ninja’s World Cup Blog

You were all expecting it, right?  The only question is how I’ve held out so long…

Most of you know that I think ‘football’ (that’s ‘Soccer’ to you Yanks) is one of the gayest games ever invented – and not even gay enough to be mildly entertaining.  Pansy-assed overpaid fucktards far more interested in raping women/men, drunk-driving, and spending fourteen hours a day in front of a mirror to make sure their hair looks like it’s been messed up.  All so they can do a little gay jog around on the grass before diving on the floor screaming in agony if anyone comes within ten foot of them – after which they’ll jump back up in perfect form ready to take their free kick.

*Takes deep breaths so he doesn’t just type out a tirade of swear words*

As I’ve said before, they should introduce a rule like in Conkers: if anyone ever hits the deck, everyone yells out ‘STAMPS!!!” and tries to stamp on the fallen fairy.  That would stop people faking it, I reckon.

But yes, The World Cup.  It’s on.

It may surprise you to find that I actually do like to watch a bit of World Cup football.  I won’t go out of my way, but if it’s on I’ll have a look.  Back in Mexico ’86 I had the sticker albums and watched as much as I could and everything, but it has dwindled a fair bit since.

One of the reasons for this is that the England football team are a bit shit.  It’s not that they can’t play – allegedly they can (just not all together as a team) – but because they’re so boring I honestly found giving blood yesterday approximately 5000% more interesting than any England game I’ve watched since the 80s.

Brazil or any strange little African or South American team are always good to watch because stuff actually happens.  The Eastern European teams are great to hear the commentators trying to say the player names (“It’s Stoyanovic to Michavic – through to Baladavic with Dinkavic on the wing!”)

True to form, England have played two of the most boring games I’ve ever seen, with boring draws against teams we should have slaughtered.  No doubt we’ll be out after playing West Congon Retarded Boyscouts FC or whoever it is tomorrow.

And the British press!  I’ve seen our poor results blamed on everything from our goalkeeper letting a goal in (Err… how about scoring more goals so we still win?) to the players being ‘bored’ between games, and even calls for the fantastic sounding Vuvuzela trumpet things that the locals blow on constantly through every bastard game.

There’s the cashing-in, too.  At the weekend I saw packets of ginger biscuits for sale – rebranded to be called ‘Goals’ and therefore in support of the World Cup!?  As I’m typing this I’ve just got an email through about a World Cup offer on warehouse crane bearings!  WTF?!

Even better are the constant programs featuring Football Expert Guests.

Now, bear in mind I think all involved in Football are retards, spastics, and thick thuggish twats of the highest order – here are the suggestions from Experts who I’ve seen on TV this week as to what the England team should do about their current poor form:

1.  “We should play better.”
2.  “We need to score more goals.”
3.  “We need to stop goals being scored against us.”

I find it very difficult to find the words without just jumping up and down whilst making spastic noises.

On the plus side, this means that with absolutely no interest in football, I too am fully qualified to be an Expert and to talk about what England should do to win.  Hell, I’ve even watched ‘Billy The Fish’ so I can probably out-Expert all these experts!  “At the end of the 90 minutes, it’ll be the team that scores the most goals who will win.”

In other breaking news I hear that “More soldiers are expected to die in the war in Afghanistan.”

So maybe I could be a fucking Military Expert, too?