Nasty Evil Ninja’s World Cup Blog
You were all expecting it, right? The only question is how I’ve held out so long…
Most of you know that I think ‘football’ (that’s ‘Soccer’ to you Yanks) is one of the gayest games ever invented – and not even gay enough to be mildly entertaining. Pansy-assed overpaid fucktards far more interested in raping women/men, drunk-driving, and spending fourteen hours a day in front of a mirror to make sure their hair looks like it’s been messed up. All so they can do a little gay jog around on the grass before diving on the floor screaming in agony if anyone comes within ten foot of them – after which they’ll jump back up in perfect form ready to take their free kick.
As I’ve said before, they should introduce a rule like in Conkers: if anyone ever hits the deck, everyone yells out ‘STAMPS!!!” and tries to stamp on the fallen fairy. That would stop people faking it, I reckon.
But yes, The World Cup. It’s on.
It may surprise you to find that I actually do like to watch a bit of World Cup football. I won’t go out of my way, but if it’s on I’ll have a look. Back in Mexico ’86 I had the sticker albums and watched as much as I could and everything, but it has dwindled a fair bit since.
One of the reasons for this is that the England football team are a bit shit. It’s not that they can’t play – allegedly they can (just not all together as a team) – but because they’re so boring I honestly found giving blood yesterday approximately 5000% more interesting than any England game I’ve watched since the 80s.
Brazil or any strange little African or South American team are always good to watch because stuff actually happens. The Eastern European teams are great to hear the commentators trying to say the player names (“It’s Stoyanovic to Michavic – through to Baladavic with Dinkavic on the wing!”)
True to form, England have played two of the most boring games I’ve ever seen, with boring draws against teams we should have slaughtered. No doubt we’ll be out after playing West Congon Retarded Boyscouts FC or whoever it is tomorrow.
And the British press! I’ve seen our poor results blamed on everything from our goalkeeper letting a goal in (Err… how about scoring more goals so we still win?) to the players being ‘bored’ between games, and even calls for the fantastic sounding Vuvuzela trumpet things that the locals blow on constantly through every bastard game.
There’s the cashing-in, too. At the weekend I saw packets of ginger biscuits for sale – rebranded to be called ‘Goals’ and therefore in support of the World Cup!? As I’m typing this I’ve just got an email through about a World Cup offer on warehouse crane bearings! WTF?!
Even better are the constant programs featuring Football Expert Guests.
Now, bear in mind I think all involved in Football are retards, spastics, and thick thuggish twats of the highest order – here are the suggestions from Experts who I’ve seen on TV this week as to what the England team should do about their current poor form:
2. “We need to score more goals.”
3. “We need to stop goals being scored against us.”
I find it very difficult to find the words without just jumping up and down whilst making spastic noises.
On the plus side, this means that with absolutely no interest in football, I too am fully qualified to be an Expert and to talk about what England should do to win. Hell, I’ve even watched ‘Billy The Fish’ so I can probably out-Expert all these experts! “At the end of the 90 minutes, it’ll be the team that scores the most goals who will win.”
In other breaking news I hear that “More soldiers are expected to die in the war in Afghanistan.”
So maybe I could be a fucking Military Expert, too?