Alvechurch Plague Pit

This came up on some ‘Spotted Alvechurch’ type Facebook group a while back.

I think someone had heard about a plague pit in Alvechurch where victims of The Black Death had been thrown into a mass grave, and they were doubting it.

Of course, a load of us old time locals then confirmed that it was true and through up a few memories of it!

It’s only after this that I realised how freakily weird that sort of thing really is.

Yeah, I grew up around a plague pit. Big whoop – wanna fight about it?

Basically, it was well known that just outside Alvechurch village, and a short walk down the aptly named “Pestilence Lane” was a large pit where they had buried people who died from bubonic plague.

If you weren’t aware of the pit before, you were certainly made aware of it when they were building the M42 motorway just South of Birmingham, as this runs straight through the middle of it. When doing the work they actually had to do loads of tests and studies to make sure the plague wasn’t still active and going to kill everyone when they dug the ground up.

Map of Pestilence Ln, Alvechurch, Birmingham B48 7TJ

As it was, the tests deemed it safe, and records will say that the Junction 2 ‘Hopwood Services’ are build on the site.

Pestilence lane was cut in half by the M42, with one end still in existence and the other sold to a private buyer who sealed it off.

Before this it was a regular walk with my Mum to go down Pestilence Lane past the pit. It was always a bit creepy around there, and many claimed to have seen ghosts.

I myself once saw what looked like the figure of a woman in that area in a headscarf and olde fashionede dress. But then we also once saw a totally naked (and shaved!!) man lay on his back in a field around there, and ran back home for my Mom to report it to the Police!

This was probably not plague related.

I can remember a few times standing in the field where the pit was believed to be. It was a sloped field and the large dip clearly visible in the grass.

The last time I went there was after the lane had been sold, and I may have accidentally and without knowing climbed over a barbed-wire bedecked fence, using the Keep Out sign to get over it. The land owners did catch me and gave me a rollocking, but, you know – ramblers rights and all that!

Before they caught me I did stand in the field overlooking the pit again, and if I am correct, the pit was still there and still visible. The motorway must have just clipped one edge of the pit, but it not where the services are built.

I did try to find some ariel views of the plans of the services as well as anything marking the location of the pit, but couldn’t find anything, so can’t confirm this for definite, other than what I’ve seen.

So, yeah – not only did I spend my formative years living and sleeping literally next to a graveyard, but there was a real life plague pit a short walk away.

All perfectly normal.

All perfectly weird.

Short story: “Haunted”

Short story: “Haunted”

He opened his eyes and was surprised to see her laying next to him in the bed, face down, with her long brunette hair splayed over her naked back and around her on the white bed sheets.

Her work alarm should have gone off before his.  Had she overslept?

Still eyeing her, senses spiked wide open by a hidden fear breaking to the surface, he realised he couldn’t see the rise and fall of her back.

Horror raked paranoid claws deep into his spine.

Now he held his own breath, the bedroom spinning away with the rest of the world as his sole focus was on the love of his life.

He reached out gently with his hand, the cold skin of her shoulder blade barely felt through panic so acute it was like being in the perfectly calm eye of the storm.

His world had fallen.

The million things he needed to do were overridden by this eternal moment, hand resting on death, the cold stillness petrifying him as he lay beside her body.

Shattered, but the pieces still together.  Scared to move, as movement would mean stepping forward, over the abyss into Hell.

Frozen.

She moved, barely perceptibly, and coughed gently…

He never did tell her of that morning – as if revealing it would recall the doom from which he had escaped.  His silence was his thank you.

But it haunted him every day.

‘Most Haunted’ Rant

Most Haunted’ Rant

https://i2.wp.com/www.virginmedia.com/images/Most-Haunted-S6-Derek-Yvette-431x300.jpg

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of seeing this, it’s a UK TV programme where a bunch of paranoid schizophrenic cock-heads go mentalling about special ‘haunted’ sites attempting to film all kinds of spooky goings on.

What we get is some freakishly jittery little cunt who screams at everything and every two minutes will stare at nowhere and say “WHAT WAS THAT?!?” whilst grasping the cameramans todger in a vice-like grip.

Occasionally, she will point at a random ‘orb’ floating around looking ‘spookily’ like a torch beam or glass reflection.

Partnering her is the Psychic Medium Ghosty Woo Gaa-Gaa King.

‘Derek’ is a Scouser, who, after sniffing far too much glue in his teens, has figured out that he can call the shrieky little wench (‘Yvette’, if you’re interested) a “fucking bitch slut whore” in front of millions of TV viewers by simply putting on a rock ‘n roll snarl and saying he’s possessed by a ghost.

https://i1.wp.com/go.sky.com/SVOD/SKYENTERTAINMENT/IMAGES/Virgin%20Media%20Images/M/Most%20Haunted%20Series%206/L_MostHaunted_S6_ep5.jpg

As the expert, he’ll also go all misty-eyed and distant, as he describes how an angry ghost called – Phil… Phillis… Fellatio? Oh yes, I mean Stan – once stomped through this stately home in anger after bad mojo made him wank himself to death in the 14th Century.

The camera crew are the ones who didn’t get through the auditions to do ‘The Blair Witch Project’ but their Mommy did buy them a camera that sees in the dark.

They also have a few random chubby people who need a sit down halfway through the episode, and mysteriously feel all ill and queasy.  Sometimes they’ll lay down in a bath and moan about how they’re slipping down as if some Evil Spirit is pushing them down and down and down.  Even though we can all see the cunt-wigs are just sat in a bath having a sook (one for you Aussies, there!).

https://i1.wp.com/img.gawkerassets.com/img/183d6uv8xxlsijpg/medium.jpg

Every 20 minutes or so, someone will pass out from boredom somewhere on set, causing a nice *THUMP* that will get everyone excited.

If nobody passes out in time, one or all of the crew will hear a thump or footsteps that the cameras weirdly won’t be able to pick up on their sound – but they DID hear it, ok???

Wait!

Did you hear that???

Yes – I’ve just shit in my own hand and thrown it at those paranormal mongs on the TV.

Please fuck off.  Please.

I guess at least it builds up an audience of desperate rubber-heads who will pay to keep the shitty fake Mediums in business…

https://i2.wp.com/farm2.static.flickr.com/1005/548987918_b8ad73bc39.jpg

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

You didn’t think I’d let this day pass without bitchslapping it around the back of the head, did you?  You DID?  Shame on you!

I used to like Halloween.  I still do, I guess… but all you fuckers are getting it all WRONG and ruining it!!!

It’s a pagan festival, where in England we all traditionally dress in masks with lanterns and go out and beat Priests and Vicars to death.

OK, so that might not be true, but either way it’s supposed to be scary and fun.

Did you hear that?  SCARY and fun.

Sure, take your kids around to old biddie’s houses and give them heart attacks, and throw a Halloween party, but what in the blue-arsed-baboon FUCK is all this about:

https://i2.wp.com/super-ways.com/images/Supergirl.jpg

This is your typical Halloween costume these days.  Stupid shit like fairies and Alice-in-fucking-Wonderland and ‘sexy pirates’… fuck what have ANY damned pirates got to do with Halloween???

Ghouls… Werewolves… ok I’ll give you vampires, and they can be sexy, but that’s supposed to be a BY-PRODUCT of the whole vampire thing!  Halloween shouldn’t be about sexy costumes and trying to get laid!  Is it any wonder our kids are all fucking each other from the age of ten with this shit being forced down our (deep) throats?

So we used to dress up as murderous non-sexy creatures and try to extort cash and sweets from people.  We never took our PARENTS out with us!

https://i0.wp.com/deathensemble.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Michael-cleans-out-Haddonfields-trash.jpg

How the hell are The Big Kids supposed to go out ‘Ghost Busting’* when their parents are stood behind them the whole time?

And when Little Johnny’s string-vested just-out-of-prison Dad is stood glaring at you from the top of your path, you feel strangely inclined to give them lots of money and sweets and a can of Tennant’s Super rather than tell them to Sod Off and slam the door in their face.

Do they still say “TRICK OR TREAT” when you answer the door, or is it just a moody “Give.” these days?  And what’s the ‘trick’?

Getting stabbed by a bunch of 16 year old Chavs with their hoodies up to look like ‘ghosts’?

We’ll probably do the same as last year, and just egg any little bastards that come around from the upper windows of our house, all hopped up on Red Bull and the boiled sweets we’ve bought for ourselves.

Witches… Ghosts… Spiders… Girl Scouts???

https://nastyevilninja.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/df6f9-z216782618.jpg

Give me a break!  It’s more like Fap-oween!

*Ghost Busting – when the Big Kids take the piss out of your costume, beat you up, and/or take all your money and sweets.  It was ‘fun’.

‘Most Haunted’ Rant

‘Most Haunted’ Rant

https://i2.wp.com/www.virginmedia.com/images/Most-Haunted-S6-Derek-Yvette-431x300.jpg

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of seeing this, it’s a UK TV programme where a bunch of paranoid schizophrenic cock-heads go mentalling about special ‘haunted’ sites attempting to film all kinds of spooky goings on.

What we get is some freakishly jittery little cunt who screams at everything and every two minutes will stare at nowhere and say “WHAT WAS THAT?!?” whilst grasping the cameramans todger in a vice-like grip.

Occasionally, she will point at a random ‘orb’ floating around looking ‘spookily’ like a torch beam or glass reflection.

Partnering her is the Psychic Medium Ghosty Woo Gaa-Gaa King.

‘Derek’ is a Scouser, who, after sniffing far too much glue in his teens, has figured out that he can call the shrieky little wench (‘Yvette’, if you’re interested) a “fucking bitch slut whore” in front of millions of TV viewers by simply putting on a rock ‘n roll snarl and saying he’s possessed by a ghost.

https://i1.wp.com/go.sky.com/SVOD/SKYENTERTAINMENT/IMAGES/Virgin%20Media%20Images/M/Most%20Haunted%20Series%206/L_MostHaunted_S6_ep5.jpg

As the expert, he’ll also go all misty-eyed and distant, as he describes how an angry ghost called – Phil… Phillis… Fellatio? Oh yes, I mean Stan – once stomped through this stately home in anger after bad mojo made him wank himself to death in the 14th Century.

The camera crew are the ones who didn’t get through the auditions to do ‘The Blair Witch Project’ but their Mommy did buy them a camera that sees in the dark.

They also have a few random chubby people who need a sit down halfway through the episode, and mysteriously feel all ill and queasy.  Sometimes they’ll lay down in a bath and moan about how they’re slipping down as if some Evil Spirit is pushing them down and down and down.  Even though we can all see the cunt-wigs are just sat in a bath having a sook.

https://i1.wp.com/img.gawkerassets.com/img/183d6uv8xxlsijpg/medium.jpg

Every 20 minutes or so, someone will pass out from boredom somewhere on set, causing a nice *THUMP* that will get everyone excited.

If nobody passes out in time, one or all of the crew will hear a thump or footsteps that the cameras weirdly won’t be able to pick up on their sound – but they DID hear it, ok???

Wait!

Did you hear that???

Yes – I’ve just shit in my own hand and thrown it at those paranormal mongs on the TV.

Please fuck off.  Please.

I guess at least it builds up an audience of desperate rubber-heads who will pay to keep the shitty fake Mediums in business…

https://i2.wp.com/farm2.static.flickr.com/1005/548987918_b8ad73bc39.jpg

AWB’s – How To Keep Your Hands Warm: Oxford Hot Hands Kit

AWB’s – How To Keep Your Hands Warm: Oxford Hot Hands Kit

For the last 5 or 6 years y commute on the bike has only been around 10 minutes long, and so a decent pair of Winter gloves or even my Summer gloves with windproof (Cold Killers) inserts has been plenty to cope.

I have Polish ancestry, and could sunbathe in a meat locker quite happily, which helps, too.

Lately my commute has changed into a long hard slog into Birmingham City Centre, and with the temperatures dropping rapidly, my fingers are suffering.

I did a 7am blast to Mallory Park in freezing fog where I was getting seriously worried I’d got my fingers frost-bitten, they were so cold!  I pulled over and warmed my numb fingers on my exhaust at one point…

I forget the exact figures, but riding a bike at 40 mph the wind-chill takes the temps hitting your mitts down 20 degrees centigrade, or something daft.  This means that anything under 5 degrees feels like you’re trying to ram ice cubes into the cold dead eyes of a Polar bear with bare naked hands.

When I was a motorcycle courier I fought against this by fitting a set of heated grips – and it was awesome!  I rode in my Summer gloves most of the time.

WTF was I doing suffering from frostbite when I actually had a brand spanking new Oxford Hot Hands kit that had been sat in a box for 6 years?!?

I found them out and went off to fit them.

You can pick up the Oxford Hot Hands set for probably £10 these days.  I paid £15 around 6 years ago, and as I knew these worked, I haven’t tried any others and can’t recommend them.

Basically, all you have to do is wrap the hand grips around your bars using the velcro, route the wiring from those to your on/off switch, and then route more wiring from the switch to your battery terminals.  You can simply screw the attachments into the existing terminals in seconds, or wire it directly into a live feed wire.  The advantage of the latter option is that you can’t leave them switched on accidentally, as they won’t work when your ignition is switched off.

I took the easiest option, and had them fitted in around 20 mins time – which mostly consisted of cable-tying the excess wires and routing it beneath part of the fairing.

They don’t come on at a great temperature, but build up very strongly if you keep your hands around them.  If you take a hand off they cool pretty fast, but soon get you snuggly warm again.

They get HOT.

I’d forgotten just how good they are!

The tips of your thumbs can still get cold, but I used to get around this by tucking them under the palms of my hands – great on motorways but not so easy hooning around in the city.  The heat they kick out to the rest of your hands means you’re unlikely to worry about this anyway.

Oh, and I’m talking about wearing my SUMMER Halo race gloves, here.  With vents and stuff.  COmbine them with full Winter gloves and you should be fine.

The reason I don’t is that they do have a down-side.  Two, actually.  The first is that if you park up and haven’t hard-wired them, then it is possible some Tit could switch them on and kill your battery. (or you can forget to switch them off)

They are quite thin, but still more bulky than the handlebar grips you’re used to.  This makes your hands ache a little.  I’m sure you get used to it after a while, but this is the main reason I’m still trying to stick to the thinnest gloves that I can for that extra feel.

And it really is that cheap and simple!

Anyone can fit them, and if you’re still riding about with cold hands, you’re an idiot!

Go buy some today and tell me they’re not great!

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

You didn’t think I’d let this day pass without bitchslapping it around the back of the head, did you?  You DID?  Shame on you!

I used to like Halloween.  I still do, I guess… but all you fuckers are getting it all WRONG and ruining it!!!

It’s a pagan festival, where in England we all traditionally dress in masks with lanterns and go out and beat Priests and Vicars to death.

OK, so that might not be true, but either way it’s supposed to be scary and fun.

Did you hear that?  SCARY and fun.

Sure, take your kids around to old biddie’s houses and give them heart attacks, and throw a Halloween party, but what in the blue-arsed-baboon FUCK is all this about:

https://i2.wp.com/super-ways.com/images/Supergirl.jpg

This is your typical Halloween costume these days.  Stupid shit like fairies and Alice-in-fucking-Wonderland and ‘sexy pirates’… fuck what have ANY damned pirates got to do with Halloween???

Ghouls… Werewolves… ok I’ll give you vampires, and they can be sexy, but that’s supposed to be a BY-PRODUCT of the whole vampire thing!  Halloween shouldn’t be about sexy costumes and trying to get laid!  Is it any wonder our kids are all fucking each other from the age of ten with this shit being forced down our (deep) throats?

So we used to dress up as murderous non-sexy creatures and try to extort cash and sweets from people.  We never took our parents out with us!

https://i0.wp.com/deathensemble.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Michael-cleans-out-Haddonfields-trash.jpg

How the hell are The Big Kids supposed to go out ‘Ghost Busting’* when their parents are stood behind them the whole time?

And when Little Johnny’s string-vested just-out-of-prison Dad is stood glaring at you from the top of your path, you feel strangely inclined to give them lots of money and sweets and a can of Tennant’s Super rather than tell them to Sod Off and slam the door in their face.

Do they still say “TRICK OR TREAT” when you answer the door, or is it just a moody “Give.” these days?  And what’s the ‘trick’?

Getting stabbed by a bunch of 16 year old Chavs with their hoodies up to look like ghosts?

We’ll probably do the same as last year, and just egg any little bastards that come around from the upper windows of our house, all hopped up on Red Bull and the boiled sweets we’ve bought for ourselves.

Witches… Ghosts… Spiders… Girl Scouts???

http://x3a.xanga.com/eeff812553635271799271/z216782618.jpg

Give me a break!  It’s more like Fap-oween!

*Ghost Busting – when the Big Kids take the piss out of your costume, beat you up, and/or take all your money and sweets.  It was ‘fun’.

Nasty Emo Ninja

Nasty Emo Ninja

I cut myself.

No, I don’t mean “I cut myself, woe is me etc”, I mean I very nearly sliced myself in twain!

Most of you will know I’m a bit handy in the kitchen, and I make sure my knives are SHARP.  I’ve switched to a ceramic chefs knife as my main tool, because it’s -ing awesome!

I’d just finished using it to make my sandwiches, and luckily washed off the Birdeye chilli’s I’d been slicing, and put its sheath back on, and for some reason my index finger caught the blade near the handle as I slid it back in a perfectly executed push-cut.

I felt it scrape across the bone which used to be covered by finger flesh and knew instantly I was in the poo.  There was very little pain because the bugger is so sharp, and it was so clean and deep that it barely even bled unless I opened the cut up.

I had a quick check fo any loss of feeling, movement and to make sure I hadn’t sliced through any tendons, and all seemed ok.  I compressed the wound for a while after washing it, decided it was pretty nasty and needed stitches… but I had a job interview the following morning and didn’t fancy getting to casualty at Midnight and waiting forever.  PLus where it was would mean they couldn’t stitch it anyway.

So, thinking back to what I’d read about superglue being invented for the battlefield during the war, I got out the strongest glue I had and used it on the cut.

Having been very careful about sticking my hand to things, it held up fine until a shower the next morning softened the glue and it bled again.  I re-glued it and went off to work.

The next day the glue had worn away, and my finger seemed to be held together ok with no more blood!

I know what I’ll be using in the future if I manage to stab myself up like a Londoner.

And on a related note, I watched a documentary last week about people (kids) in America (no comment) who believed they were Vampires and craved blood.  They would routinely cut each other and lick/suck the resulting blood.  Absolute bunch of Knob-Jockeys who said their souls were corrupt and all that malarkey.  One of their Mothers was in full support and even sat there whilst they tried to cut themselves (with the bluntest -ing knives I have ever seen in my life?!  I mean, surely if your whole being is cutting yourself you’d get a blade that could break the skin in less than 20 attempts???) and ‘feed’.

I’m pretty sure that’s an arrestable offense for a supervising adult, but meh.

And even better were the group who thought they were Werewolves.  They were pretty much the same as the Vampires, but they… wait for it… *sniggers* these ‘werewolves’ wore a stick-on tale on their little emo jeans!

https://i1.wp.com/brianchasnoff.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/wolfie-owen.jpg

What really got me was the way both of these groups would pick and change the rules, and just say “Yeah, that’s how us vampires/werewolves REALLY do it”.

The best of these was the girl who hung around with the werewolves, but insisted that she was actually a fox, not a wolf.

Seriously.

They did make one good observation, however: why don’t all the Emo kids who cut themselves do it for the vampire kids to feed on?

It’s a good question, and one that Charles Darwin would be very interested in, I’m sure.

My Little Ghosty, Skinny And Boney

My Little Ghosty, Skinny And Boney

I’ve seen ghosts for as long as I can remember.

I think it runs in my family – my Mum definitely has the ‘talent’, but I think I’ve got it even stronger. Maybe even more of a reason not to have kids!

But I have a regular ghost that I see fairly often.

Obviously, I’ve spoken to other mediums about it, and, even more often I’ve had other mediums tell me about it before I mention it.  Some tell me it’s my Spirit Guide.

I’m not entirely sure I believe in Spirit Guides, but I guess it would explain it.

What I see, is a shape out of the corner of my eye – almost like a shadow but more like… a person seen by the half-light of the moon. If I turn my head to look – it’s gone.

A few times, I’ve seen it much clearer – but still as a dark shape. I’d say without a doubt it’s male, and about my height, but other than that I can’t really make out much detail.

The clearer times that spring to mind when I’ve seen him were once stood in my hallway, and I saw him dart past the kitchen door so vividly that I thought it was a real person, and had to check! Another time I was in the graveyard with a few mates, and I looked towards the church to see him watching us from one corner.  He slunk slowly back out of sight after a few long seconds.

But the fleeting corner-of-the-eye visions are so frequent I don’t even bother mentioning them anymore!

I’m not scared when I’ve seen him. I don’t really feel anything.

If he is my Spirit Guide, then if he’s doing his duty then I’m protected by him!  A few mediums have said that there’s a man who rides on the back of my bike with me keeping me safe. I have been very lucky on several occasions, so maybe there’s something in it!

The name that keeps cropping up from others is someone Roberts, or possibly Robert someone. And he was possibly in the navy around the 1930s. Read into that what you will.  I just know what I see.

Occasionally I’ll see a ghost regularly for a period of time – then won’t see it again. This one did freak me out:

When we used to keep horses, I’d go to the stables after school or college to help out. From my house, I’d have to walk through the graveyard, and then down this tiny old path to get to the stables.

At the top of this path was a ‘Kissing Gate’ – one that you have to open, step to the side of it, then close it so you can step past it. I honestly can’t remember if it was dusk or broad daylight when all this happened…

I’d walk through this gate, which would close behind me with a metallic sound. But every night for 2 weeks, I’d get about 20 or 30 yards down this path, and then hear the gate close behind me again. It was strange – the wind couldn’t move the gate – it was a sound that was only made when someone opened it and let it swing closed again. I’d turn around, but nobody would be there – so I’d carry on.

On the last night, I heard it yet again, and turned around…. And saw a little girl stood in the middle of the path.

She was a bit pasty-looking, but solid enough – long thick dirty-white dress to her ankles, long hair tied back in a ponytail – in short, she looked like some fucking 10 year old kid from a black and white photograph.

She wasn’t exactly looking at me – more just through me, as if I wasn’t there. Nothing REALLY scary about her… except…

I’ve seen so many films and read stories about ghosts, that it’s these that freaked me out.

You know the type where they hear a noise, so they look behind them and see something in the distance, then as they turn back the way they were headed, it’s

THERE!!!!!!

RARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!

RIGHT IN THEIR FUCKING FACE TWO INCHES AWAY SCREAMING AND SLOBBERING WITH BIG POINTY TEETH AND LETHAL TALONS!!!!!!!!!

RARRRRRR!!!!!!!!!

So I was edging down the path backwards, terrified to turn around because of a few fucking movies and books. Eventually I got my head back together and turned the fk away.

Of course, when I looked back once more – she’d gone.

I think I may have even seen her twice.

I’ve since heard my mates re-telling this story, and in traditional style, she’s morphed into to scary little Freddy Krueger type girl, singing nursery rhymes and skipping with a rope. Nice – but what you read here is the original, straight from the horses (helpers) mouth!

I think this little story is why ‘The Others’ freaks me out so much, because of the similarity to parts of the film…

And don’t worry – there’s plenty of really scary ghost stories yet to come!!!!

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

https://i0.wp.com/www.stuartduncan.name/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/halloween.jpg

You didn’t think I’d let this day pass without bitchslapping it around the back of the head, did you?  You DID?  Shame on you!

I used to like Halloween.  I still do, I guess… but all you fuckers are getting it all WRONG and ruining it!!!

It’s a pagan festival, where in England we all traditionally dress in masks with lanterns and go out and beat Priests and Vicars to death.

OK, so that might not be true, but either way it’s supposed to be scary and fun.

Did you hear that?  SCARY and fun.

Sure, take your kids around to old biddie’s houses and give them heart attacks, and throw a Halloween party, but what in the blue-arsed-baboon FUCK is all this about:

https://i2.wp.com/theswankcity.com/files/2009/10/leg-avenue-halloween-costumes.jpg

This is your typical Halloween costume these days.  Stupid shit like fairies and Alice-in-fucking-Wonderland and ‘sexy pirates’… fuck, what have ANY damned pirates got to do with Halloween??? 

Ghouls… Werewolves… Witches… ok I’ll give you vampires, and they CAN be sexy, but that’s supposed to be a BY-PRODUCT of the whole vampire thing!  Halloween shouldn’t be about sexy costumes and trying to get laid!  Is it any wonder our kids are all fucking each other from the age of ten with this shit being forced down our (deep) throats?

https://i2.wp.com/www.3wishes.com/images/develishhottie-r.jpg

So, yes, we used to dress up as murderous non-sexy creatures and try to extort cash and sweets from people.  We never took our parents out with us, either!

How the hell are The Big Kids supposed to go out ‘Ghost Busting’* when their parents are stood behind them the whole time?

And when Little Johnny’s string-vested just-out-of-prison Dad is stood glaring at you from the top of your path, you feel strangely inclined to give them lots of money and sweets and a can of Tennants Super rather than tell them to Sod Off and slam the door in their face.

Do they still say “TRICK OR TREAT?” when you answer the door, or is it just a moody “Give.” these days?  And what’s the ‘trick’?

Getting stabbed by a bunch of 16 year old Chavs with their hoodies up to look like ghosts?

Witches… Ghosts… Spiders… Girl Scouts???

https://i0.wp.com/www.labeshops.com/image/cache/data/bewicked/BW967-800x800.jpg

It’s not about dressing as a zombie, serial killer or ghost now – it’s about dressing like that slut who should never be allowed out of the bedroom.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m alllllllllllll for that – but I’m not trying to kid myself that you’re dressing for Halloween and not a hardcore fetish porno.

*Ghost Busting – when the Big Kids take the piss out of your costume, beat you up, and/or take all your money and sweets.  It was ‘fun’.