Cars Vs Cyclists – but who’s missing?

Cars Vs Cyclists – but who’s missing?

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It’s the age old argument of who has more rights and who should have more rights – a car or bicycle.

They hate each other, and if one ever posts criticizing the other, within the first few comments you will see things get personal or even violent.

A Facebook friend recently posted a satirical blog about things cyclists do that annoy car drivers, and literally got a death threat from a cyclist for it!

Some of my most viewed YouTube videos, with hundreds of thousands of views, are ones that feature a cyclist or even just that ‘c’ word in the title. To read the comments you’d think I hate cyclists myself – and very few will ever know or bother to watch the videos where I’ve stood up and even protected cyclists.

Hell, some of my best friends are cyclists. Personally, the thought of cycling on modern roads scares the shit out of me and it’s a disaster waiting to happen, but I digress…

There’s someone missing from these road wars.

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Motorcycles.

Whenever legislation is passed, new rules created or road markings laidd, they NEVER think about motorbikes.

Never.

How else do you explain Advanced Stop Lines (ASL’s)? These are the boxes you’ll find at traffic lights as a refuge for cyclists, so they can safely filter through and safely set off first when the lights turn green to keep cyclists safe from cars. No other vehicles are allowed to stop within the ASL.

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Wait – what?

So a motorbike, that has filtered to the front, is not offered the same safety? Even though the biker is just as vulnerable? Even though that motorbike will out-accelerate very easily any car or cyclist, so it makes even more sense for them to be at the front?

Clearly, when they set the ASL laws they’d forgotten about motorbikes, and it was all car vs cycle as usual.

Birmingham is quite good, but a lot of other cities won’t let motorbikes use bus lanes, which makes no sense at all if cyclists can.

There’s never any talk of special motorcycle only roads or paths, despite everyone having a cry that motorbikes account for 99.4% of road fatalities or whatever. Why?

Oh the Government will give you money off a new cycle to save the environment and cut congestion, and celebrate you, and give you lots of free, secure parking – but not if you want a motorcycle! And you’re going to give thousands of cars cheap road tax (yeah I know it’s not road tax – I just wanted you to have THAT rant again!) but motorbikes still pay full, and quite often more than car fees.

WTF is all that about?

All we do get is signs put up by the side of the road saying esoteric things like “THINK BIKE!” that nobody really knows what it means or who it’s there for? I mean, are they to get cars to look out for bikers or are they to get bikers to stop riding like idiots?

How about you remember the other group out there cutting congestion on our over-crowded roads chock-full of single-occupancy steel boxes?

Remember traffic jams are a car problem – not a bike one. And that means BOTH lots of bikes.

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David Cameron – What CAN we do??

David Cameron – What CAN we do??

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All over my news feed this morning is stuff about our Prime Minister who’s family have been dodging taxes for generations.

Of course, that’s after you get around the deflection by the press, who are trying to make me feel angry that some pointless Russian kid called Putin is doing the same! So fucking what? He can do whatever the fuck he wants to, as long as he’s not living on my street!

But Cameron, who also voiced his outrage at Jimmy Carr for being “morally wrong” in his tax avoidance a while back, appears to be doing exactly the same.

I honestly can’t even be arsed to point out how and where this is all so wrong.

You know.

They know.

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And you all know of my utter contempt for politics because they’re not there for us. They never will be until we pay the lot of them minimum wage… Ok, some work hard – let’s cap their maximum wage at £25,000 to be fair.

But I digress. We all know that we need to do something about it.

But what CAN we do?

Wait another 4 years until we can try and vote the fat cunts out to be replaced by more fat cunts who are also only in it for themselves? Ooh – that’ll scare them!

We can refuse to, err… buy stuff? Err… err…

Yeah, that’s right – we can’t do a fucking thing about it. Suck it up, losers!

So I’m just going to have this rant, and then I’ll go back to work hard to earn money so that I can afford to live in a house that I’m never actually IN, because I’m at fucking WORK!!!

What. The. Fuck?

And then I look at the ‘Top News Stories’ and what do I see about all this??

Loch Ness Monster, Caroline Flack (?? Is that Nessie’s real identity??), and Britney ‘fucking’ Spears. Because we don’t want to give a shit about anything important, do we?

Maybe I should just write an angry letter?

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Nasty Evil Ninja’s General Election Special

Nasty Evil Ninja’s General Election Special

“If you don’t vote, you can’t complain about who gets in!”

Is that right?

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For all those who say it’s so terrible to not use your vote, I’ll answer it by saying surely, it’s much worse to vote for something that you don’t want?

How about I offer you a stab in the eyeball with a rusty icepick, or I’ll set your head on fire with some petrol?  Which one would you choose?

Or you could choose none, but if you get stabbed in the eyeball or an immolated head within the next few years, you can’t complain.

Do you see how you can make two shitty choices that allow a pack of cunts to get richer and screw you over, or you can make no choice, and still get screwed over by whoever? Because they’re all the same animal.

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What I want is a box I can tick to say “I want to scrap every single current politician, then pay every politician minimum wage”?

Then we’ll see who’s in it for themselves or who really wants to help us.

Their selling points are just absurd. One party wants to bring back fox hunting. How is that even a policy??? Anyone who gives the slightest fuck about fox hunting over giving lower classes more money shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the first place!

Then there’s the spiteful stuff like the Green Party. They want to save the world, and stop everyone driving cars.  Except they know that’s never going to happen, so instead, they’re going to BAN all motorcycles over 125cc, ban every motorcycle from using congestion-relieving bus lanes, and generally just be anti-biker for what? To get the hippie vote?

Or the Lib Dems, who have never once carried through one of their key policies, and normally do a total u-turn on them!

“Yeah, vote us in and we’ll cut tax on the minimum wage. Actually, thanks, but we’re going to raise it instead.”

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Conservative are a great choice if you’re rich, or a fucking politician.  A bit shit if you’re an average working Joe, because they’re going to fuck you.

Labour I don’t really know anything about.  I think they just want to get in so they can spend £750,000 of your tax money per year on Champagne for lunches in Parliament. And fuck you.

UKIP are just mental, and their policies are around not being black, or something.  Yeah – crack down on immigrants doing below-minimum wage jobs to save us all – not cutting the bullshit hundreds of thousand pound wages paid to cunt-faced lying twat politicians!  Good plan for the people!  Oh, wait…

And why do people go and ‘spoil’ their vote?  So you’ve drawn a cock and balls (possibly spunking, and with a few pubic hairs) over your ballot paper.  Well done. Now it doesn’t get counted.  Umm… exactly the same as if you hadn’t bothered going to the polling station in the first place?

I figure whoever gets in will cost me, ooh, £10,000 in ‘getting fucked over’ tax over the next 4 years.  How about you just pay me that sum, and I’ll vote for you? It’s bound to be less than the bungs you give to contractors and banks and fucking duck palaces on a daily basis.

Vote Guy Fawkes!  He had the best political ideals of any of you fucks.

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Drug Driving Is Officially Illegal From Today!

Drug Driving Is Officially Illegal From Today!

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According to a few news sources (who as a rare treat are actually pedalling important news that isn’t about some granny falling off a stage), today, new rules come into force to crack down on people driving under the influence of drugs.
Whilst in theory, this means less chance for people like me to get squished by big white vans stinking of ganja at 8 in the morning, it also grinds on me like an ugly stripper that you suspect has herpes, and wants to rub her damaged bits on you.
It seems that by swab tests at the roadside or ‘other tests’ back at the Police station, they can now catch you and charge you.
And it’s pretty hefty, too – 1 year minimum driving ban.  I don’t fully understand the measurements they use to identify a positive test, but they look pretty low.
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And there lies our first problem…
I have no problem with people injecting whatever drugs they like into their eyeballs or up their snouts, but if this is going to catch someone who had a sly joint 2 days ago, it’s not a good thing for anyone.
Then there’s the fact that they WILL also test for legal medication, and you can still be charged. In one link I saw this:
“People using prescription drugs – including morphine and methadone – will not be penalised if they use the drugs within the recommended amounts.”
Whoa!
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So, you’re telling me that somone with a trace of cocain in their system is more of a danger on the roads than someone who’s just had a legal dose of methadone? I’ve never had a legal dose of methadone, admittedly, but considering it’s take to replace a hit of heroin, I’m pretty sure that the dosage will fuck you right up. A trace of a stimulant drug that speeds up your reactions, vs some meth head in his dream world?
Who exactly has made these decisions?
Secondly, where the Hell did this all spring from?
I literally only saw an article this morning.  If I’d had my usual prescription dose of crack before jumping on my bike, I could have been banned!  Or, in more serious terms – did you have time to check and arrange other transport instead of risking your prescription meds?
And lastly, I do wonder how this all compares to the tits who STILL use their mobile phones whilst driving?
And I mean, every single day I see lots of drivers with them, texting away in their lap without even looking at the road for seconds at a time.
That’s, what? A £60 fine when they get caught? Not that they ever do…
I can’t help thinking that I’d fancy my chances more against a driver on LSD than some twat updating their Facebook status as they drive…
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A Blog About Taking Pics For Cancer. For Cancer.

A Blog About Taking Pics For Cancer. For Cancer.

First there were hundreds of selfie pics appearing all over social networks.  Not the usual selfie featuring a toilet in the background – these were pics of women without any makeup on.

Interesting.  You don’t see it from most people very often.  Oh, and the ’cause’ is For Cancer.

That’s got to be good, right?

Then there was the inevitable male repost of them taking pics of themselves WITH makeup on.  For Cancer.

Fair enough.

Suddenly, in the true spirit of social media, people started posting pics of themselves naked, with a sock over their genitalia.  Cocks In Socks.  For Cancer.

Righty-ho, thinks I, still saying nothing, as it’s For Cancer.

This morning, I logged in to see a picture of a topless woman, with her ample breasts each tucked into a woolly glove to hide their modesty.  Tits in Mitts.  For Cancer.

ENOUGH, PEOPLE!!!!

Cancer awareness is a great cause.  I AM aware of cancer.   I don’t need to be reminded I could die of it by 50,000 posts on Facebook and Twitter!

“Ooh, look how fun and wacky we’ve made cancer!”

No.  What you’ve done is spread the kind of fear that most of you sheep subconsciously thrive upon.  Now all we’re seeing is “Yay, Cancer!!!” every time we log in.

Now here’s me making myself a cup of tea.  For Cancer.

He’s my cute little dog.  For Cancer.

You should all share this picture of a dwarf fisting a traffic warden!  For Cancer.

Yes, we could all get cancer.  I bet hardly any of you posting these self-indulgent pics are giving every spare penny you have to cancer charities, are you?

Now fuck off.  For Cancer.

Faroe Islands Whaling Slaughter Is A Bunch Of Arse!

Faroe Islands Whaling Slaughter Is A Bunch Of Arse!

Anyone on Facebook will have been plagued all of a sudden by a new ‘share this’ campaign depicting the senseless slaughter of whales (actually some even call them ‘intelligent friendly dolphins’) in the Faroe Isles, near Denmark.

Firstly, whilst I agree it’s not exactly brilliant, the bullshit and propaganda in these posts pisses me off as much as the knee-jerk reactions everyone is giving it.

Here’s an example of one of the ones going around:

PLEASE KEEP THIS GOING AROUND THE WORLD

The bits that boil my piss to whistling point are:

1. “kill hundreds of the famous and intelligent dolphins” – you mean the WHALES that you’ve never heard of before.
2. “the main participants are young teens” – Bollocks to get the elderly knee-jerking about the violent hoodies doing this stuff.
3. “A celebration, to show that they are adults and mature” – somewhat close, in a twisted way. But still wrong and worded to shock.  See Wikipedia link here.
4. “Everyone is participating in one way or the other killing or looking at the cruelty supporting like a spectator” – Again just to shock. The whale meat is shared between each and every villager as their birth right.
5. “They’re almost extinct!” – They’re not. And this happens to about 200 whales. How many do Japan kill a year? Or the UK? Go find out.
6. “They don’t die instantly” – They are killed by their spinal cord being severed, i.e. instantly. In a very skilled and practiced way. And the whole event takes about 10 mins.
7. “And at that time the dolphins produce a grim cry like that of a new born child” – Oh do fuck off!
8. “this magnificent creature slowly dies in its own blood” – see point 6.

You can educate yourself just as easily by doing your own research.  I’d highly recommend www.snopes.com to find out what’s real and what’s been made up by ranting vegan fundamentalist religious types.

Or how about YouTube, if you can’t be arsed to read?

This video has even more about the Faroe Islands culture and traditions:

So PLEASE just shup about it.  It’s completely out of context like almost all of these ‘share me quick and save us all!!!’ posts.

And please feel free to post a link to this blog every time someone tries to make you share this again!

‘Actor Hired To Play Batman’ Shocker!!!

‘Actor Hired To Play Batman’ Shocker!!!

Over the weekend, I’m sure that your Facebook feed was taken over by 24,000 posts, pictures, and geeky emo bullshit.

Not because they’ve killed off a Twilight or Harry Potter character – but because They have announced that Ben Affleck will be playing Batman in the next, err, ‘Batman’ movie.

Apparently, there are enough weirdo’s out there who have invented their own little comic book worlds inside their Sheldon Cooper-like noggins, that they expect anyone else to give a shit?

Maybe if they cry long and hard enough about it, the Batman makers will fire poor little Ben (Matt Damons [said in spakka voice] mate, for those who don’t know.), and hire their fat geeky ass or Robert -ing Patterson or whoever else they’ve invented as the ‘perfect’ Batman.

“He’s as bad as Val Kilmer!!!” they whine!

“He can’t act!” tweeted the very wooden Clive Owen in despair.

“Yes Gary!  Act!!” encouraged Spottswoode, before adding an “America! Fuck yeah!”.

“He’s almost as bad as that Granny-faced Unfunny Wimpy Geek Crap-acting Cunt Michael Cera!” one person (me) made up in mock-horror!

So WHY is he a bad choice?

Because you saw someone different in your head?

I was horrified at the thought of a Green Mile film after reading the books – but Tom Hanks did alright in it.

That’s kind-of the clever thing about actors.  They are there to, you know, act in films and stuff.  Until you’re doing the casting for a film, you can go fornicate yourself with an iron stick if you don’t like the choices.

And this stuff is even hitting news headlines?!

WTF?

Dum-de-dah… war declared by ‘Merka… ho-hum… missing schoolgirl… Miley’s ass…whatever… Batman to be played by Ben Affleck?!??  OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!

I mentioned Twilight and Potter fans because they are the same level of mental.

Batman fans are even worse than the comic-book kids, because even those kids wouldn’t give a shit who gets cast to play him in a damned film!

What the Hell is going on, here?  Or is it just me???

Things that piss me off about this even more:

He’s going to wear a -ing mask.

It’s TWO MOTHERFUNKING YEARS away!

It’s a fucking FILM!  A MOVIE!  This is NOT your new bastard President!!!

EDIT:  As I was adding the pics for this blog, I looked out the office window to see the Batmobile and the Trotters 3 wheeler van going past on a trailer.  Seriously.

And the Scooby Doo van has just appeared.  I got some pics:

FURTHER EDIT:

Then on my way home, I got stuck behind Batman for 10 -ing minutes!!!  Is it the Warner Bros Mafia who’ve already been sent out to get me for this blog???

 

 

Things Pissing Me Off Lately

Things Pissing Me Off Lately

Lollypop Ladies

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Or Men – whatever. Modern times and all that.  These are the people in high viz from head-to-toe holding a big-ass lollipop, who step out into the road to allow all the little kiddy-winkles to cross in safety to get to and from school.

Except, these days, they only do this at pedestrian crossings!?

WTF?

So this fluorescent twat of a person, who is probably ‘a bit paedy’, basically presses the fucking button at the crossing that a kid with half a brain would press anyway, and then only steps into the road when the lights are safely green and all traffic has stopped.

And schools moan about budgets?  Get to fuck, you money-wasting twats!

And that’s not to get into the fact kids should be pressing teh crossing buttons for THEMSELVES to teach them to do it when Lollypop Mong isn’t there.

Restaurant staff

How about the rotten cunts at restaurants who come around, just as you’re enjoying a mouthful of the food you’re paying extortionate prices for, and ask if everything is ok?

FUCK OFF! Do you want me to choke to death or spit my bastard food out all over you as I answer?

Well, you’d better duck, mother-fucker!

The Royal Baby

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Everyone on facebook posts about it, moaning how it’s all over the news and they can’t avoid it and they don’t care etc.

The fucking irony is that I avoid the news (it makes me write ranty blogs), and Facebook is the only bastard place I have actually heard this news!

I don’t give a shit.  Wha-wha Royal Baby – I hope fucking Rumpelstiltskin gets it.  And you, for putting it on my Facebook feed.

And whilst we’re on about Facebook,

People who include a location for every -ing post on Facebook

I hope you get run over there. Then I’ll know where to come and laugh at you.

Otherwise I don’t give a kippers dick where you’re geeking about on your iPad 6 Thpethial Spak phone. Cunts.

Fancy cheese

Not the cheeses themselves, but the way you only get certain types in bloody useless wedge shapes.

WTF are you supposed to do with that? It’s 2012 – give me a -ing square block I can actually slice and put on my sammich!

And then there are the packet cheeses you see that are about 1/2″ thick and 6″ long. Who the FK eats that and HOW??

Secret Eaters

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These are the latest ‘Fix a Fatty’ TV programmes. Basically they follow a lummox around secretly for a week keeping track of what they eat, then ask them to tell the truth about why they’re fat.

They plead they’re big boned, and don’t actually eat very much apart from the odd salad, before it’s revealed they’re eating 16000 calories per day.

Bollocks have you ‘forgotten’ the 3 portions of chips you bought between lunch and tea. You’re a greedy fat cunt and it’s all your own fault.

Come Dine With Me

This is the show where people host dinner parties for each other to see who is the best.

Aside from Welsh people always cooking lava bread, and Scots always serving haggis, there is always some lying little toerag who claims this is the first time they’ve ever made their chosen dish.

Get to fuck, is it!

Nobody but a mong would go on a competition program and NOT cook their finest dish that they can do! You’re not fooling me, just like every single cunt on X-Factor who has a sob story. Coincidentally.

Supermarket staff asking if I need help to pack

Yes, I do! Now pack it all up for me, bitches! Shouldn’t have asked, should you? Cunts.

 

The New UK Motorway Laws

The New UK Motorway Laws

It appears that the UK has rolled out a load of new rules for driving on motorways.

The accepted practice is not that everyone sits bumper to bumper in lane 3 (or ‘The Fast Lane’), tapping their brakes at regular intervals, whilst traffic now overtakes them in the two left-hand lanes.

All the way up the M6 the other day and then back down again I witnessed this phenomenon.  Everyone in lane 3 as traffic concertinered to a dead stop again and again with no cause – no accidents or road works – just fuckwits behind the wheel.

As soon as traffic speed drops below 60mph it’s time to dive into lane 1 and carry on at speed, otherwise you get caught in lane 3 as you watch all the HGV’s piss off into the distance as if they’ve just snatched your purse!

I’ve ranted many times about drivers who hog the middle lane, meaning they’ve just instantly reduced a 3 lane motorway to a one lane snarl-up, but things have all of a sudden got REALLY serious.

People will sit in lane 2 or 3 for miles and miles.

How hard can it be for the Government to get some adverts out there that simply say:

STAY IN THE LEFT LANE UNLESS YOU’RE OVERTAKING!!!

Come on, people!  Are you scared of ‘The Slow Lane’ all of a sudden?

Why?!

Because once you’re in it you have to LOOK in your fucking mirrors and actually INDICATE to pull out and go past people?  Are you cunts really that lazy that this is the cause?  Or am I missing something?

I know we’re not supposed to ‘undertake’ people but they have made it impossible.

I would suggest that if you indicate left and leave the light on as you go past some ignorant wanker in the middle lane it might, just MIGHT make them think about pulling the fuck over!

Remember: if someone is able to undertake you, then you should have been able to pull over to the left to let them pass, anyway! 

And there is no such offence as ‘undertaking’.  If you get pulled it will be for dangerous or reckless driving.  So if you undertake safely there is no law against it.

Adding in your own gesticulations and shake of the head as you cruise past them as if you’re driving in fucking Spain is optional.

Leave those evil dangerous lunatics who exceed a 50 year old speed limit alone – and focus on those twats who are a REAL danger to everyone one on our roads!  Where is the campaign to get people to stay the fuck to the left on motorways?!

Don’t Bother Insuring Your Car/Bike – It’s Worth The Risk!

Don’t Bother Insuring Your Car/Bike – It’s Worth The Risk!

First off, I’ll make it clear that all my vehicles ARE fully insured, but I can see why people wouldn’t bother insuring theirs.

Insurance companies are absolutely terrible cunts.

If you’re loyal to them, they will put up your policy price when you renew. I call it a Stupid Tax for those who can’t be botherd to shop around, but the fact is they still do it deliberately to rip people off.  They are NOT loyal to you in any way, so why should you be to them?

Once you do find a policy that you can fucking afford without turning to prostitution, you find you have to pay an ‘excess’ – basically this means that if anything happens (i.e. the whole reason you have insurance in the first place), you – yes YOU have to fucking pay anyway before the fucktards at your insurance company will get the chance to rip you off again!

So you insure your £700 car, and notice you have to pay out £500 before they pay a penny.  Let’s assume on that £700 you’re paying the average price of £500 (PER YEAR!?!?!), then when you make a claim of course the fucking retards tell you your car is only worth £500 due to depreciation, so you’re fucked.

You pay £500, they pay nothing.

THEN, they properly kick you in the balls for the next 5 years by making you pay more on every policy you take out!

This is whether the claim was your fault or not.  How in the Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ is that even LEGAL?!?

Then there is car and/or bike insurance.

You have to take two separate tests for two separate licenses.  But crash your car, and you have to declare that on your bike insurance, and so they BOTH go up for 5 years!

And you have 7 years No Claims discount for your car?  Oh, but you want a second car as well?

You can only drive one car at a time, right?

Right!  Well fuck you – you can only use your No Claims discount on ONE policy!

Want a car AND a bike?

Fuck you – you have to buy a policy for each.

I pay £130 per yer fully comprehensive on my 190mph superbike.  I recently bought an old shitter of a 500cc slow and sensible learner bike.

I honestly thought I could add this bike to my policy for around £20.  I called up my insurance company (DIRECT CHOICE – there’s your mantion you fat, greedy, robbing cunts! *waves*) who took my details and offered to add this little bike onto the big bike policy for… how much do you think?

£500.

That’s right – FIVE HUNDRED CUNTY-BASTARD POUNDS STERLING!

It still makes em laugh now.  I did a quick price comparison search (not allowed to use my NCD, remember) for a brand new policy and got one for £70.

Direct Choice you are utter, utter useless feeble cunts. Thanks for your help, and confirming that if you EVER call your insurance company after you’ve bought the policy, they stick their big fat cock up your arse without any lube.

And I even get a free cuddly Meercat toy ony my new bike policy.

Wankers.