The Romantic Passion That Women Dream Of…

The Romantic Passion That Women Dream Of…

Lowering his hand back to his side, he waited eagerly at the door to her house.

How long had it been?  Three weeks?

Whatever – it felt like ten times that!

His heart started to race as his mind flashed to the near future.  She’d open the door to him, and they would fling their arms around each other – an embrace tight enough that it would be as if they were physically trying to rejoin their souls.

He’d force himself to slow down, to pull back and look at her face; into her beautiful eyes.  He take in that smile, and the burning desire in her eyes.

Cupping a hand to the perfect line of her jaw and cheek, he’d be helpless to put his lips anywhere but to hers.  He’d relish the soft warm texture of her, the taste of her making him soar almost out of his body.  She always made him high.  Even if his last kiss had been two minutes ago.

She’d run the fingers of one slender hand through his hair, pulling him closer, and he would trace his fingertips down her back, maybe feeling her shiver and sink against him.

Then they’d reluctantly break off the kiss, the welcoming smile now gone from her gorgeous mouth, and replaced by the dark-eyed need of passion.

Without a word, she’d take his hand and lead him inside, and he’d already be there with her – no place he’d rather be, wrapping her in his arms and kissing her deeply again as the door slammed shut unnoticed.

She’d want him, right there, right now – and it would be like a three-legged race (in more ways than one) to get up the stairs, neither even aware of the journey until the soft bedsheets were beneath them, and buttons were popped open – zippers unzipped.

The first shudders of delight as private flesh felt a brief glimpse of the cool air, before more warm skin enveloped the area, kissing, sucking, fingers playing softly over what was now hard.

The race would still be on, and the first sign of slowing pace would be as he slid inside her for that first time – that first time that they both relished so much, holding there, open-mouthed in pleasure, kissing once more before moving with each other.

Their cries of ecstatic release would be the first wordless exchange between them, followed by the unspoken “I love you” as they nuzzled together, breathing hard, now kissing softly and wanting to wrap around each other forever…

The door opened and snapped him back to the present.

She smiled.

He stepped forwards to take her in his arms.

She stepped aside, letting him inside the house, a tender hug and a quick delicate kiss.

“Don’t mess up my lip gloss!” She said, smoothing out imaginary creases in her dress from the hug.

“Go and sit down.”  She motioned him towards the couch as she carried on getting ready.

Here’s the reality of romance, he mused, heart hardening like a lump of discarded clay.

Here’s where all their dreams of romance and passion really end up.

Angelina Is Not Pretty!

Angelina Is Not Pretty!

After having previously ranted about ‘Unfunny’ Owen Wilson, who seems to be ruining every comedy film of the last 5 years, I feel it’s only right to focus on some of the Hollywood wenches who piss me off.

One of the most publicised stars of the big screen over the last 10 years is the stunningly beautiful Angelina Jolie.

All women want to BE Angelina.

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Those huge lips… beautiful looks… her sexiness and attitude…

She’s been voted World’s Sexiest Woman in just about every magazine – both those aimed at men AND women.

Men drool over her.

*sound of a record scratching to a halt*

Why?

Right from back in 1995 when she was in ‘Hackers’ I was one of the few left there with a look on my face like I’d farted halfway through a yawn, whilst everyone raved about her.  Don’t get me wrong – she’ ‘ok’.  I’d probably fuck her till her nose ran if I was high on crack and she was grinding on me like an old rickety collie having a fit.  I’d agree she probably was the perfect choice to play Lara Croft.

Only… I’m not a Geek, and video game characters don’t turn me on either.  So I stayed silent about this – until recently…

Have any of you seen ‘Changeling’ yet?

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She.  Looks.  Rough.

Does anyone disagree with me here?  It’s only now that I can point out her big half-moon concave looks-like-someone-kicked-a-football-into-her-chops that I’ve found HIGHLY disturbing in all her films!  And that includes Mr And Mrs Smith – which I think is her best film.

And that brings me to something else!  She’s EVERYWHERE, right?  Star of a million great films – the best actress of our time etc, right?  Umm… and then you actually take a good look at the list of films she’s been in:

# Wanted (2008)
# Changeling (2008)
# Kung Fu Panda (2008) (voice)
# Beowulf (2007)
# A Mighty Heart (2007)
# The Good Shepherd (2006)
# Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)
# Alexander (2004)
# The Fever (2004)
# Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
# Shark Tale (2004) (voice)
# Taking Lives (2004)
# Beyond Borders (2003)
# Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)
# Life or Something Like It (2002)
# Original Sin (2001)
# Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
# Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000)
# Girl, Interrupted (1999)
# The Bone Collector (1999)
# Pushing Tin (1999)
# Playing by Heart (1998)
# Hell’s Kitchen (1998)
# Playing God (1997)
# Foxfire (1996)
# Mojave Moon (1996)
# Love Is All There Is (1996)
# Hackers (1995)
# Without Evidence (1995)
# Cyborg 2 (1993)
# Alice & Viril (1993)
# Angela & Viril (1993)
# Lookin’ to Get Out (1982)


Well slap me ’round the face with a dehydrated chicken if there aren’t only about FIVE damned films in that list that even scrape into the Good Film category – let alone Great Films!

I have nooooooooo idea what the majority of those films are.  Sky Captain and the World Of Tomorrow?!??!  They’re making that shit up now!

So what is it?  A winning personality?

Umm… isn’t she a bit of a morbid bitch who likes knife-fighting with her sexual partners?  Three marriages?  Possible affairs?  And she seems to be adopting like it’s a new fashion (which is still FAR better than buying tiny fucking rat-dogs).

Do you know what I think?

I think ALL her publicity and status is created by women.  Women who are jealous of her because she’s porked Brad Pitt… and even more so because she ‘won’ him from Jennifer Aniston.

Kind-of ironic…

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EROTIC STORY: “On A Crowded Train…”

EROTIC STORY: “On A Crowded Train…”

When he whispered urgently in her ear, “Take them off”, she wasted no time in pushing through the crowded train to the toilet.

After pressing her back against his throbbing erection one more time, of course.

She returned and greeted him with a kiss as he pulled her to him.

“Give them to me.”

She retrieved her thongs from her purse and stuffed them into his jacket pocket, knowing he thought she was calling his bluff.

His eyes sparkled as he ran his strong hands over her hips, down the mini-skirt and dragging his nails gently over the exposed flesh of her thighs.

“What do you want to do to me?” she purred in his ear.

“I want you so much…” he replied.  One of the nearby passengers glanced their way, as if he’d overheard.  She felt herself get wetter at the sound of his voice and the thought that the stranger now knew what was coming as well as her.

She turned her back to him, and he slid his arms around her waist as she pressed against him again.

She eased forwards slightly and slipped her hand between them, sliding his zipper down and reaching inside.

He sighed in her ear as her warm hand wrapped around him, carefully guiding his penis out into the cool open air.

The train pulled into a stop, and she kept him in her hand, then just as the doors opened she slipped him between her legs, holding him between her thighs and pressed against her.

A few people stepped off the train, and more got on, creating even more of a crush.  She moved her hips slightly, her wetness letting him slide easily against her as she pushed him back harder into the corner.

As the doors closed, she slightly lifted one leg, and it was all she could do to stop herself crying out as he entered her quickly and easily.

He kissed her lightly on her neck, just below her ear and she shivered.  He was pressing hard against her g-spot.

She looked around her to see everyone was avoiding eye contact with everyone else, as usual.  It just looked like he was stood innocently with his arms around her.  She smiled, and wondered if any knew more was going on.  Maybe some were watching from the reflections in the window?

He lightly bit her earlobe, and she closed her eyes.  The constant buffeting from the train, and it’s subtle rocking motions were doing a lot more for the sensation than she thought they would.

His arms tightened around her as if he was thinking the same, then he quickly shifter her hips, and she was glad he’d tightened his grip to stop her from bending forwards.

They were both breathing deeply, hearts pounding so hard with the excitement it was a miracle if none of the people stood next to them couldn’t hear it!

She wanted to touch herself – she wanted his fingers touching her, but had to resist, instead grasping at the back of his thigh with one hand.  He responded by easing into her even more.

He smiled looking down at her and seeing her starting to flush over her chest.

She teased him inside her using her muscles, and he almost groaned out loud, quickly recovering it to fake a cough.

He throbbed inside her and she knew he was close, as was she, but the train slowed again as it pulled into a station.

As it braked she let the forces press her against him, feeling his whole body twitch subtly as he fought against his imminent orgasm.

She barely noticed the people moving past her through the open doors, staring intently at the Exit sign over the opposite door, so turned on that if anyone brushed her nipple as they squeezed through it would undoubtedly send her over the edge.

It seemed like an eternity until the door closed again, the acceleration pulling her slightly away from him and making her eyes roll back in her head.

She felt him swell inside her, and felt the heat as he came inside her as he pulled her back onto him, squeezing her hard around her middle, and she heard herself whimper far away as the rolling tides of her own orgasm crashed over her.

Her legs went weak and she sagged against him, turning her head to the window but knowing people had turned around at her cry.

He nuzzled into her neck, kissing her again.

She waited a few long minutes with him inside her, until they approached the next station.  As they slowed he withdrew from her and tucked himself away as the train came to a stop.  They both stepped off ahead of the crowd, and he wrapped his arms around her again.

Neither dared look back at the train at the accusing faces…  But they laughed…

POEM: “Advent Calendar” by Jamz

“Advent Calendar” by Jamz

I count down the days
To a Christmas alone,
When i thought I’d be with you.
How many windows did you open
And take a piece of my soul?
Do you even see the days anymore,
Or is each one a painful eternity
That you give sweetly to me?
Will you ever wake
And see my ghost in your cold breath?
Or do you no longer sigh my name
In your selfish sleep?
Did you feel my winter
When you reached out for me?
Then draw back your hand
And recoil
Because I used to be your summer?
Merry Christmas.

28.11.03

First Drive On The Snow

First Drive On The Snow

Having ridden bikes in the snow for the last ten years, and not having had any reason to take the car out in recent snows, I decided to make one up!

So, in order to do lots of ‘essential’ Christmas food/booze shopping, and with more heavy snow forecast overnight, I got to see what all the fuss and panic was about.

My garage is on a steep hill up a dirt track.  I figured I could probably get down the hill, but doubted I’d ever get back up.  So I dug out the garage door and went for it.

I was suprised by how much resistence deep snow offered to a car.  Reversing down the hill, where I expected it to roll back through it, I found I had to give it a bit of gas.  Other than that it was stable and did nothing silly.  I turned around at the bottom, engaged first gear, took a deep breath, and turned out onto the road…

And drove.  Nothing else happened.

I drove slower than normal, but to be honest didn’t really have to.  I did put into practice the theory of downshifting and using careful engine braking rather than touching the brakes wherever possible, and there were no dramas.  I was able to pull away with no wheelspin, and turn through corners without falling into hedges or running any kittens over.  Unlike everyone else, I kept a good gap to the car in front (notice to the ihabitatnts of the seal farm that is Bromsgrove: this does NOT mean 6″ away).

So I decided to provoke it.

From second gear I floored it and was chuffed to hear it spin up like a good ‘un!

You have to bear in mind I can’t condone this, but at the same time understand that the last time I drove it was to a skid control course.  I knew what to expect, and the little Fiat seems to have very predictable understeer, but with nice balance to it.

Locking the brakes made it slide straight on with slight squiggles if provoked further.  And it seemed to drift ok, too!

It’s quite amazing what you can do in a car and stay in control.  That much lack of traction on a bike would equal lots of airtime, groundtime and abulancetime.  I wasn’t anywhere near pushing it, and don’t intend to on the roads.

In short, it was exactly what I needed, and allowed me to safely explore the limits of the car at slow speeds and on some empty roads.

Oh, and my 1 litre snorting Italian beast on its skinny tyres also seemed to be one of the fastest accelerating cars on the roads for once!

The fun ended when I found there was no way in Hell the Fiat was going back up that hill to the garage, though… Ah well!

Snow driving is snow- oops I mean IS NO trouble at all – providing you just leave yourself a load of space to do it safely!  Look and plan well ahead, and it’s a lot of fun!

Keep it safe out there you kids – and if you haven’t already GET SOME BLOODY ADVANCED DRIVER TRAINING!  It will give you the confidence to laugh at all the other muppets out there!

There’s also a video of some in-car action and ranting.


Holiday Rage

Holiday Rage

Right, first off, even that title pisses me off.  It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the Holiday Season’, ‘the Festive Period’ or whatever else you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!

Stop.  It.

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This year, most of us sensible ones will have managed to do almost all our CHRISTMAS shopping online.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???

It’s Hell out there!  I mostly use one of those self-scan thingies at the local supermarket to dodge the queues, but now all the Christmas Numpties have caught on to it, too.  Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area.  Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!

And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July?  I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!

Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt.  Hard.

And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas.  And let me just tell you something:

THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!

You’re not going to starve to death!  Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!

And what’s with all the wheelchairs and stuff?

Is it just me, or is every cripple in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year?

It’s no wonder so many shops are going bust – I couldn’t even get to the damn stuff for Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd they can.  And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!

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And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…

Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.

Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!

You bastards!

If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.

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More Skidmarks Than A Curried-up Pub Crawl!

More Skidmarks Than A Curried-up Pub Crawl!

Almost as soon as I’d passed the car test I was turning my attention towards what else I could do to get some fun out of the boring four wheeled stuff.

There are a fair few courses around to train you up to control a skid.  Most of these seem to be held at race circuits as part of a ‘Gift Experience’ type setup.  They seemed ok.  The going rate appears to be around £99 for your session, but reading the small print you only get around twenty minutes of actual driving time!

Now, assuming these are valuable life-saving skills and not just the bloody good laugh that I wanted, twenty minutes seems a little bit short to me!  Imagine learning any brand new skill for the first time.  Twenty minutes of that will just about get it through yer noggin what you’re supposed to be doing – but nothing more…

So I searched around a bit to find other schools offering skid-pan training but with more actual driving time.

I found www.skidcontrolcentre.co.uk and as a bonus,  they were offering more like 90 mins driving time for £85!  Bargain!

Even better is that they just use normal cars (although they used slick tyres as I found out) rather than the cradles with wheels on like most other places have.  They may be good, but surely they’re not quite as realistic?

Saturday was that date, and I headed around the filthy country lanes around Corby to try and find the damned place.  Eventually I found the old airfield, and having avoided pot-holes all around the runways the size of a fat kids lunchbox, I pulled in to find just the instructor (Stan) and a female Other Monkey ready to drive.

After talking us through the basics of why a car skids (tyres lose traction) and what causes it (mud, diesel, water, leaves, ice, cow-pat etc) we jumped in the front wheel drive car with Stan at the wheel and he took us out onto the skid pan.


The skid panconsisted of an oval track with two ‘roads’ running through the middle to do braking maneouvres.  It was damp and Stan had helpfully poured lots of vegetable oil all over one half of the track.  As you do.

Stan drove us around first, showing us what to expect and what to do about it, then we swapped seats and I took it in turns with Other Monkey to have a go.

First was the FWD (Front Wheel Drive) car – I think it was a Ford Orion – on full slicks.  Driving around the outisde course, I hit the vegetable oil mid-turn and the little bastard just goes straight on!  We tried it slamming the brakes on and steering hard to the side with the same results.  Then under Stans expert guidance we tried lifting straight off the gas and turning the wheel just slightly, taking steering off until grip came back and getting some steering control back.

This was the key for the FWD – lift off and steer slightly where you want to go.  We did the same for braking in a straight line and trying to avoid an imaginary truck ahead.

Next we jumped in the RWD (Rear Wheel Drive) car – a Ford Sierra – for the bit I’d most been looking forward to!

Driving the outside course we hit the oil, and whether you hit the brakes or eased off you could instantly feel the back start to swing around.  Then it was a case of getting as much opposite lock on as fast as you could to try and catch it before it spun, and then judging it so you don’t over-correct it – which meant it started to spin back around in the opposite direction.

Most of the cars in the UK (and Europe) by a lonnnng way are FWD.  As I understand it, most cars in the US are RWD?  Well if that’s true then you’re lucky gits!!!

The FWD was a bugger.  All you could hope for was to get it to turn eventually.  And this is safer?

The RWD in contrast was an absolute hoot!  It came around so slowly and predictably that if you were quick it was easy to catch.  Best of all, it was totally controllable.  Where the FWD had no ‘feel’ to it, in the Sierra you knew exactly what was going on all the time.

The best bit about the course was that after the Instructor had shown you, and then watched you do each task, he then got out of the car and let you have a go completely on your own!  Now THAT is something that boosts your learning curve no end!

It also meant that I got to try getting straight back on the gas and powersliding and drifting around the course – which, let’s face it, is something every person who’s ever played Forza or GT or just about any other driving game has ALWAYS wanted to try!

Yes – it is as much fun as you think it would be!

It was a great few hours and I learnt loads AND had a good laugh.  As it turned out, we had over two hours in the cars.  Oh, and we got a certificate, too.

For the last bit I clipped one of my mini cameras to my jumper to try and get a bit of footage – unfortunately you can’t see much over the wheel, but you can watch my hands going for it like a cheesey UK hardcore raver!

Highly recommended – get theeself to one now!  It could even save your life!