Revenge Of The Spiders

Revenge Of The Spiders

Most of you are by now aware of my raging war against my sworn mortal enemy – the spider.

Well, it’s not ALL spiders.  A few weeks back, one of the other Legal Monkeys discovered a small spider on his desk.  He named him ‘Pablo’, and Pablo was a good spiddy, who never caused anyone any harm.

I saved him from the be-gloved hand of the cleaners several times, but whilst on holiday Pablo was brutally drowned in another of the Legal Monkeys can of Coke.

Not long before that I discovered ‘Lifty’ – a house spider who very weirdly would lay on his belly and lift all his legs in the air if you blew on him.

He’d gone before I could get the HD cam out for proper footage the following morning.

Fast forwarding to later that week, another huge (Bad) spider was having a swing around my house, no doubt planning all kinds of hairy-legged badness – and of course, being over the size of a small childs fingernail had to be killed for the sake of all humanity.

As he was a big ole bad boy, I couldn’t risk him grabbing hold of my Ginty Stick and beating me to death, so I drew my trusty air pistol and shot him.

It seems that this filthy great lummox of a spider had some connections, and last night I was the victim of a violation of terrible proportions…

As I sat alone on the couch, watching ‘The Inbetweeners’, I felt a wee itch on my shin.  I idly scratched at it only to feel it itch even more.

Thinking I had a fly up the leg of my jeans, or some fluff or something, I grabbed the leg of my jeans and gave it a good wiggle, and then

A BIG FILTHY GREAT SPIDER DROPPED OUT ONTO THE CARPET!!!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I was sick in my mouth a little with the shock, and the only small pleasure I could try and take from the whole ordeal was watching Legrape The Spider running around in circles as the legs on one side were all damaged where I’d scratched at him through my jeans!

After a while I put a sock over my hand and gently punched him to death.

The spider

SCREW YOU, LEGRAPE!!!

SCREW YOU!!!

Holiday Rage

Holiday Rage

Right, first off, even that title pisses me off.  It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the Holiday Season’, ‘the Festive Period’ or whatever else you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!

Stop.  It.

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This year, most of us sensible ones will have managed to do almost all our CHRISTMAS shopping online.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???

It’s Hell out there!  I mostly use one of those self-scan thingies at the local supermarket to dodge the queues, but now all the Christmas Numpties have caught on to it, too.  Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area.  Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!

And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July?  I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!

Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt.  Hard.

And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas.  And let me just tell you something:

THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!

You’re not going to starve to death!  Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!

And what’s with all the wheelchairs and stuff?

Is it just me, or is every cripple in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year?

It’s no wonder so many shops are going bust – I couldn’t even get to the damn stuff for Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd they can.  And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!

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And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…

Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.

Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!

You bastards!

If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.

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Nasty Evil Ninja’s World Cup Blog

Nasty Evil Ninja’s World Cup Blog

You were all expecting it, right?  The only question is how I’ve held out so long…

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Most of you know that I think ‘football’ (that’s ‘Soccer’ to you Yanks) is one of the gayest games ever invented – and not even gay enough to be mildly entertaining.  Pansy-assed overpaid fucktards far more interested in raping women/men, drunk-driving, and spending fourteen hours a day in front of a mirror to make sure their hair looks like it’s been messed up.  All so they can do a little gay jog around on the grass before diving on the floor screaming in agony if anyone comes within ten foot of them – after which they’ll jump back up in perfect form ready to take their free kick.

*Takes deep breaths so he doesn’t just type out a tirade of swear words*


As I’ve said before, they should introduce a rule like in Conkers: if anyone ever hits the deck, everyone yells out ‘STAMPS!!!” and tries to stamp on the fallen fairy.  That would stop people faking it, I reckon.

But yes, The World Cup.  It’s on.

It may surprise you to find that I actually do like to watch a bit of World Cup football.  I won’t go out of my way, but if it’s on I’ll have a look.  Back in Mexico ’86 I had the sticker albums and watched as much as I could and everything, but it has dwindled a fair bit since.

One of the reasons for this is that the England football team are a bit shit.  It’s not that they can’t play – allegedly they can (just not all together as a team) – but because they’re so boring I honestly found giving blood yesterday approximately 5000% more interesting than any England game I’ve watched since the 80s.

Brazil or any strange little African or South American team are always good to watch because stuff actually happens.  The Eastern European teams are great to hear the commentators trying to say the player names (“It’s Stoyanovic to Michavic – through to Baladavic with Dinkavic on the wing!”)

True to form, England have played two of the most boring games I’ve ever seen, with boring draws against teams we should have slaughtered.  No doubt we’ll be out after playing West Congon Retarded Boyscouts FC or whoever it is tomorrow.

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And the British press!  I’ve seen our poor results blamed on everything from our goalkeeper letting a goal in (Err… how about scoring more goals so we still win?) to the players being ‘bored’ between games, and even calls for the fantastic sounding Vuvuzela trumpet things that the locals blow on constantly through every bastard game.

There’s the cashing-in, too.  At the weekend I saw packets of ginger biscuits for sale – rebranded to be called ‘Goals’ and therefore in support of the World Cup!?  As I’m typing this I’ve just got an email through about a World Cup offer on warehouse crane bearings!  WTF?!

Even better are the constant programs featuring Football Expert Guests.

Now, bear in mind I think all involved in Football are retards, spastics, and thick thuggish twats of the highest order – here are the suggestions from Experts who I’ve seen on TV this week as to what the England team should do about their current poor form:

1.  “We should play better.”
2.  “We need to score more goals.”
3.  “We need to stop goals being scored against us.”


I find it very difficult to find the words without just jumping up and down whilst making spastic noises.

On the plus side, this means that with absolutely no interest in football, I too am fully qualified to be an Expert and to talk about what England should do to win.  Hell, I’ve even watched ‘Billy The Fish’ so I can probably out-Expert all these experts!  “At the end of the 90 minutes, it’ll be the team that scores the most goals who will win.”

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In other breaking news I hear that “More soldiers are expected to die in the war in Afghanistan.”

So maybe I could be a fucking Military Expert, too?