Huge Hairy Bastard Climbing In The Window!

I was at my girlfriends parents house, in her bedroom, as we both lay on the bed, watching TV and kissing on a hot Summers night.  Umm… Just to clear this up this was me and my girlfriend – not me and her parents in her bedroom.  Anyway…

Suddenly we heard a *THUMP* sound.

I tried to ignore it, as I was hoping for some thumping of my own without the ‘T’…

*THUMP*

We both looked towards the drawn curtains at the window, where the sound seemed to have come from, just as the curtains bulged inwards with another *THUMP*

Whoa!  Playtime over – this looked like there was somebody stood on the other side of the curtain, PUNCHING it!

She jumped up, screaming, and I got into my Close Protection mode, shielding her with my body as I got to my feet and turned to face the curtain.

Who the fuck….???

As it was her bedroom, this was upstairs, at around 10pm on a dark warm summer night. Sure, the windows were all open wide, but this was still spooky.

Being the man, I bravely told her to stay there, as I moved towards the window, flinching and dropping into a subtle stance as the *THUMP* smashed the curtain inwards again.

Then, just as I got close, something came flying around the side of the curtain!

“AARGHHHH!” I screamed bravely, accompanied by the (slightly) more shrill scream from behind me.

The biggest fucking bright red moth I have ever seen in my life, was now flapping about the bedroom!

This was bigger than my fist – I shit you not!  He was so big I could virtually see him wearing a charity wristband with “I HATE HUMANS” emblazoned across it.  And this fucker could seriously use some a back, sack and crack wax!

The wench behind me had gone hypersonic, as this moth bounced around, leaving huge clouds of red hair every time it hit something. I dodged, trying to stay calm and act like my girl’s Protector, and wondered how the hell I was going to sort this situation out?  And I hate moths!

“KILL IT!!!!!!!!” she screamed at me, resolving one problem.  Shit, she must have been scared if she was bypassing her usual ‘catch and release’ approach to creepy crawlies (and boyfriends, as it turned out) .  So Death it was.  I caught the Red Barron with several hard right crosses, knocking it out the air, but it would get up and come diving straight back at us, like some little red, hairy Rocky!

I’ve seen pretty big moths on David Attenborough programs, and this was a match for any I’d seen on there, but FFS this is ENGLAND!  This shit was about ten times bigger than anything I’d come face to face with, even in Zoo’s!!!!

One blow knocked it down, and it started flapping around underneath her bed, making a hell of a racket with it’s wings. Still being the Wind-Up Merchant, I announced she’d be fine now and that I was going home!  Job done.

She didn’t find that half as funny as me.

After much more screaming, I felled the beast, trying not to hit it too hard, because that was a lot of ass to splatter! Then I was forced to pick the carcass up, using a JCB crane, and I chucked it back out of the window.

Unfortunately, by the morning it had gone… so no pictures or identification, and nobody else would probably believe the size of that behemoth (ha!).  Apart from some lucky cat/fox/hedgehog who got a free lunch…

Daddy Long Legs Plague!

This is a re-post from a blog I wrote way back in 2006(!?!).  There isn’t a current plague, but if one happens after this, rest assured that it was me who predicted it, I’m ace, and you should tell everyone.

I’ve just had a bit of a chat in my lunch break where the subject of Daddy Long Legs came up – I stated that they are totally pointless creatures, whose only reason for existence is to fly around dangling their legs over your face and freaking you out.  That reminded me of this rant I once had, when these buggers were EVERYWHERE one Summer.  Enjoy!

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Yes, it’s Official (err, because I’ve said it) – there is current plague in the UK of Daddy Longlegs!

The gangly-dangly-legged buggers are all over the shop! They’ve obviously discovered some kind of Viagra, or their TV sets have packed up, or something, because they’ve been shagging more than a $2 hooker at a stag night.And why do they want to get in your house so badly? Any tiny window open and they storm it like a scene from Braveheart! It’s not like they do much when they get inside, either – they just flop around trying to drag their legs over your face, then sit on the wall doing bugger all! Maybe they are trying to watch your TV…

They could at least try and be entertaining. Or even be a bit more lively!I mean, come on! One out of ten for effort!If they had voices, they’d have little whiny ones moaning about how it’s too hot, too cold, too far etc…

And I’d be the first to tell them to shut their bug-eyed, tiny-gobbed, horse-nosed faces!

Perhaps if they stung or bit it’d spice them up? But no – if you even try to grab them, all that happens is their legs drop off! Good thinking there, Lanky! Great defense!

The only thing they are good for is feeding all the spiders up so there’s loads of them in Extra Large Fat Bellied Size this year – and we don’t thank you for that, you dopey bastards!So here’s to the Daddy Long Legs – feeble giver-upper of the insect world:

QUITTERS!!!!!!!!!!

Some info from Wikipedia (link now changed from original posting) – check these names out!!!:

Crane flies (Tilupidae) are a family of insects resembling giant mosquitoes. Like the mosquito, they are in the order Diptera (flies). They are sometimes called mosquito eaters, lollygaggers, gallinippers, gollywhoppers, chicken flies, mosquito hawks, leather jackets, Jimmy Spinners or skeeter eaters. Crane flies are also popularly called Daddy longlegs along with two other species.