Complaint To Aldi: BBQ Chicken Pizza

Complaint To Aldi: BBQ Chicken Pizza

In these modern times of technology, even the multi-national store chains have had to embrace social media and networking sites.

It must be hard for them to manage, because inevitably, members of the public will log on to Facebook, go to their main page, and make a complaint about their product or service for all to see.

Being no stranger to having to write letters of complaint myself, I decided to give this process a go myself, and see what happened…

Aldi Pizza Complaint

Here is the wording, if you can’t read the picture:

Dear Aldi,
Please see the picture below of your BBQ Chicken pizza.

As the box claims, this has “20% more topping than the leading brand”.

Now count the five (honestly, some are hard to see, but there are FIVE) tiny chunks of chicken that can be found on the pizza.  Granted, the green pepper content is pretty good – but I didn’t buy a ‘green pepper BBQ pizza’.

Please could you identify what the ‘leading brand’ is, so that I can avoid the heart-wrenching despair of opening a pizza to only discover FOUR tiny pieces of chicken, and realise that if I cut my pizza into 8 slices, half of the ‘BBQ chicken’ pizza won’t, in fact, have any chicken content at all?

To help you in these troubling times, I would be more than willing to have the chicken content of all ‘chicken’ pizzas topped up (no pun intended) with horsemeat.

Yours sincerely,


And the picture, taken on my mobile only moments before:

Aldi Pizza

But wait!  15 minutes later, things got worse for this poor little NastyEvilNinja:

Dear Aldi,
In a sickening twist, and due to me cooking the pizza directly on the oven shelf, I have to inform you that one of the pieces of chicken close to the edge has fallen off as the pizza sagged during cooking.
I would have recovered this from the gunk at the bottom of the oven, but alas, it was too far gone…
At least it’s still equal to this ‘leading brand’, though…

Well, it’s Friday night, and they’re not going to beat Morrison’s emailed lettuce complaint response time – but let’s see what they can do…

My First Ever ‘Real’ Valentines Day (And Why I’m A Rubberhead)

My First Ever ‘Real’ Valentines Day (And Why I’m A Rubberhead)

Can you remember your first real Valentines Day – that one where you got something or gave something for the first time?

Our family has never done this crap where your Mum sends you a card.  Aside from hearing the ‘Deliverance’ banjo’s in my head even thinking about that, I suspect it cheapens real love and its meaning, and no doubt turns you into some cold selfish monster, with no appreciation of love from a partner.

Hehehe – how many readers has that lost me then??

Seriously though, the first time…

In the Summer holiday before I started Middle School (which made me 9), I met a girl who lived in my village, and fancied her straight away.  Her Dad raced karts, and she showed me her garage with his kart in – err, that sounds really bad!  Anyway, when I started school, I saw her again, but she was in a different class.  Being young and stupider, I admired her from afar, and never approached her.

A few years later, I finally spoke to her, and it turned out that wasn’t the same girl I’d met before school.  In fact, maybe I dreamed that whole thing, because I never saw a girl near that house again (and I rode past a lot on my bike that Summer!!!).  Spooky, but back to the point we must go:

It was the fourth and final year of Middle School when I finally plucked up some courage.  We were in the same class the year before and also for the fourth year, so I had spoken to her.  I used to piss her off and she’d smack me in the balls – it was true love!

I decided to use my Ninja skills and send her a Valentines Card.

I carefully cut all the letters I needed out of a newspaper, and like some kind of demented kidnapper, used sticky tape (we didn’t have glue) to put them all in an anonymous card.  It was probably something a little like this:

It seemed like a great idea at the time, ok?  It’s only looking back now that I’m surprised she didn’t report me to the Police!!!

I snuck the card into her desk unnoticed, and watched and waited as she discovered it and puzzled over who had sent it.

She didn’t know I had a major crush on her, and my friends knew even less!

Still, later in the day she confronted me with it.  She looked a bit surprised, but really happy with it (bet she’s into bondage and kidnapping fantasies now), and asked me to my face if I’d sent her it.


And so I point-blank denied it!!!

I still kick myself for that today!  I was terrified at the thought of admitting that to her, so I didn’t!!!

Maybe she knew, maybe she didn’t… either way, I’m a -ing rubberhead.

A few months later she ended up with someone else at a school disco, and that was my first heartbreak….

A very hard lesson learned, as we went to different high schools, and I never saw her again – apart from one weird psychic dream incident that I saw her after, but was too shocked to speak to her and she never saw me…

7 years later I still thought and dreamed about her.  I like to think that after all that time, it taught me NEVER to sit and say nothing again.

Tell them!!!

Get out there, and send that girl or boy you fancy a Valentines Card – and SIGN IT from you!!!

What have you got to lose?  You’ll regret it if you don’t!

Umm, I wouldn’t recommend doing it in kidnapping style though… although… maybe there’s a great idea there for some ‘holding my heart hostage’ comment…

Hope you all have a great day, and send SOMEONE a card – it’ll make their day!

***Special Note***
The girl concerned in this is now a friend on Facebook.  This blog is actually a repost from a few years ago, and I DID come clean and even gave her the link to this blog!  She said she always suspected it was from me!

Eating Horace

Eating Horace

A British beefburger, yesterday

Did you think me, self-professed “I’ll-eat-anything-that-used-to-have-a-face” Nasty Evil Ninja would let this one go?  No chance!

A few weeks ago some SHOCK HORROR story emerged in Ireland that some beefburgers sold in supermarkets contained *dum-dum DAHH* horse meat.

This was soon revealed to be UK-wide, with everyone unknowingly chomping the nag.

Things reached a hoofing great (long) head when they also revealed that the big blocks of highly processed ‘lamb’ used to fill pissheads kebabs all over the nation contained veal!

The bastards!

No, wait… so these cheap shitty splats of meat ACTUALLY have been found to contain the vastly more expensive and some would argue BETTER meat of horse (or posh young calves, in the kebab case)?? Surely that’s like cracking open a bottle of Lambrini in your local bus stop and finding it filled with finest Moet champagne?!?

Just as things were dying down again, latest reports are hitting of more foods such as microwaveable lasagna that is actually made with 100% horse meat!

Hell yes! The only microwave meals I really eat these days are the gorgeous ones from Aldi – and now I find they’re affected! So I will retract any statements I’ve made about not having tried horse meat. And add that it’s beautiful.

Give me another any day, and I’ll eagerly tuck in AND play the Black Beauty theme tune loudly as I do, just to show there are no hard feelings.

But what the Hell is going on?

I know a cow costs about £30 to buy.

Horses? Even an old Bostik sponsored knacker will cost you a good £100. A good Grand National winning beast will no doubt cost you TWICE that!

Compare that to the less than £10 in a restaurant that will get you a cow steak… while horse steak will cost more like £20, if you can even find it on the menu.

So I can understand people wanging in a load of old rats, cats, dogs… squirrels? But not bloody Horaces!

Perhaps now we will start to see McShergar Burgers on the menus? For cheap.

Or maybe they will just read “Beef and/or Horse steak”.

The going is all good, if you ask me – as long as they’re not all off.

Now we just sit and wait until someone decides to have a look at what they put in a sausage…