“You Shouldn’t Be On Facebook When You’re Ill!”

“You Shouldn’t Be On Facebook When You’re Ill!”

I’m well aware some of my fellow work Monkeys read my blogs, so this could be a bit controversial (although at my place I haven’t heard of anything like this)…

(“That’s not like one of your usual blogs, Nasty Evil Ninja!”)

I’m writing this and I am ill*.


It’s ok – you probably won’t have to polish your shoes for my funeral, and stuff, but rest assured I the only possibly productive thing about me at the moment is my tramp-like mucus gland.

I feel like I’ve breathed in flames that have left my lungs and throat in tatters, my eyes are burning, head pounding, sneezing and coughing up bits of Kermit, and every damned joint in my body aches.

It is, without a doubt, A Shame For Me.

But, do you know what?  I can still get up and walk around.  I can get my own food and drink.  And I can use my laptop.

I say this because I have known several people who have got a bollocking from their work because they posted stuff on Facebook when they were ‘supposedly’ ill from work!

One friend removed all work people from their Facebook friends, because they got called in to see the Boss on their return to work, shown printouts of screen shots, and asked to explain.

So what had they been doing?

It wasn’t pictures of them out rollerblading and eating icecream.  It wasn’t them snorting cocaine off a hookers ample titties.  It wasn’t even for updating their status to show they were actually skiving off in Blackpool with their mates.

What one of their work ‘mates’ had reported them for was logging into Facebook.

Not posting anything, or even ‘liking’ anyone elses posts.  Just for showing up on the Instant Messenger as being online.

I raised the question: “Just how ill, exactly, do you have to be to stop you from logging in to Facebook?”


I’ve had friends with multiple broken limbs and brain injuries who posted a status from their hospital bed.

A friend in Japan a few years ago was keeping people informed during the devastation of the earthquakes.

And just what the fuck is next?

Will people be facing disciplinary action if a colleague drives past their house and sees that *gasp* the filthy skiving bastards have SWITCHED ON THEIR TV?!?

And does switching on a TV take more effort than ever-so-lightly typing on a laptop that’s right next to your snotrags?

And why the Hell would any manager worth their salt not bitch-slap the stupid grass who would even THINK to dob someone in for any of that?

And woe betide anyone ‘ill’ who manages to drive or walk to see a Doctor…

how swine flu started. haha. i wish i was that pig


Somewhat ironically, this blog was written over a week ago, and what followed was about 5 days of bed-ridden hallucinations and me being too bloody ill to post this!  Bah!  There was also a noticeable lack of posts from me on Facebook, which made this blog a bit redundant.  Bastard.

Removing Your Helmet At A Petrol Station

Removing Your Helmet At A Petrol Station

This little explosive onion crops up every so often between bikers.

Occasionally, you’ll cruise up to a petrol pump, open your petrol tank, slip the tip of your nozzle in, and then…


You look over at the Till Monkey behind their bulletproof glass, and they’re desperately waving at you.

“What???” you mime at them, giving your best French shoulder shrug.

Then Till Monkey wraps his gimpy little gob around the microphone, and mumbles something over the loudspeaker about taking your helmet off.


Because, apparently, all bikers are thieves, who ride off without paying for their petrol.



First off, your average motorcycle petrol tank will hold less than 17 litres of petrol.

If you’re going to steal fuel, why the fuck would you do it on a bike, instead of a car with a 100 litre tank?

More to the point, what’s to stop a car driver wearing a peaked cap, balaclava, or a burka and making off without paying?  Absolutely nothing, that’s what – because whatever you’re wearing in a car, you won’t be asked to undress before they will serve you.

It should also be noted that you HAVE to wear a helmet by law to ride a bike.  It’s not an option.

I’m fine with this, because when that petrol splashed back into your eyes as you’re filling up, it’s quite a good safety function to have a visor to protect you.  In fact, if I take off my protective kit to fill up, and then suffer as a result where my helmet would have protected me, how much compensation do you think I’d get???

Added to this, there is then the question of what you actually do with your expensive and delicate helmet as you fill up?

So, you take your helmet off and then have the option to:

1. Balance your helmet on your seat.
2. Balance it on the handlebars.
3. Balance it on the same tank you’re pouring fucking petrol into!?!
4. Dump it on a fuel-saturated floor/top of pump etc.

I treat my helmet like a newborn baby. I wouldn’t leave a baby on the floor in a petrol station, nor balance it on anything it might fall off.

A newborn wouldn’t be much good for my noggin in an accident, but my helmet is made to do that specifically. I don’t want it weakened by contaminates. That might mean my life.

I don’t know about anybody else, but I don’t sit and trawl through shitty impossible-to-identify pictures of people who steal petrol? So who exactly is using this CCTV footage rather than recording your registration to trace offenders? And aren’t leathers/helmet/bike more identifiable than some blurry video still, anyway?

Not that it would make any difference, because, as demonstrated in the video posted below from the awesome Baron Von Grumble, most bikers at this time of year are wearing 15 layers covering their head beneath their helmet to try to keep warm.

So what are these ‘reasons’ for removing your helmet, again? Manners?

Bullshit, more like. And you can fuck off, if you want me to take my helmet off when I’m filling up. 


Take your helmet off!