Random Rants

Random Rants

It’s been a while since I had a rant.

On here, anyway.  Rest assured that almost every time I switch on a TV, or look at the world around me, it will almost certainly inspire a rant.

So what’s been whipping the nipples off my tits lately?

Shower Gel

Why does everyone want to smell like they’ve spilled a can of Tango over themselves? *NOTE* By some coincidence, here’s one of the products that came up in my picture search. WTF?


A good ‘soap’ smell isn’t any good these days!  Oh, no!  The latest Lynx RightGuard Old Spice like a diabetics breath!  strawberry Puff, they may as well name this stuff, rather and ‘Inspire’ or ‘Orange Passion’.  Or chocolate!

You can even buy stuff that smells like the most disgusting chocolate you’d never want to eat!  And why the Hell would you want to smell like you fell asleep with a Snickers, anyway?!  Stop it!

Which also leads me nicely to:

Fancy Chocolate


Cadbury’s Dairy Milk is the best chocolate bar in the world, with no exceptions.  There’s your benchmark.

I can sort-of get behind chocolate and chilli (never hot enough, tastes a bit crap as they never use good chocolate – like Dairy Milk, for example), fruit and nut type stuff, or chocolate filled with flavoured centre type malarkey.

But some people always have to take things too far.  These new Cadbury’s bars stuffed with popping candy, jelly beans, chocolate brownies and any other crap they could find in the factory – NO!!!  YOU’VE RUINED IT!

Except the Cadbury’s Dairy Milk With Oreos… That is properly badass!


Dogs In Cars

There was a post in the Spotted: Redditch page on Facebook last night.  Some rubberhead had taken a picture of a car, windows steamed up, at night, with full-on dogging going on.  Not the type of dogging featuring Brenda from the local Asda and 15 fat men in masks – the kind where a dog owner had left the dogs in the car whilst they went into a local pub for a meal for an hour or so.

The page branded the dogs being left in the car as disgusting behaviour, noting that the poor abused canines were “panting for breath” without even an open window.

In the dark.  In November.  At about 5 degrees C.


This was followed by a flurry of posts from people calling to lynch the owners, and smash the windows to save the poor dogs!!!  I counted at least 5 people who said they’d reported it to the Police!


So these dogs, happily sat in a car for an hour, after possibly having spent all day running over the Malvern Hills with their loving owner, were supposed to be ‘helped’ by letting the -ing cold air in the car?

And nobody noticed the fact many people AND dogs sit in cars for hours at a time without suffocating?  Or that it’s perfectly normal?  Or that you just miiiiiiiight be wasting Police time because you’re a moron?

Joey Essex


Is that even his real name?  Not worth asking him, as he’d be unsure.  I’d seen him previously on “Celebrity Juice”, where he failed to answer a question correctly about how many sides a square has.

He’s now on “I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here”, where he’s shown he can’t tell the time from a clock and other such joys.

And you just KNOW he’s going to be a massive celebrity after this!

Is it really any wonder why people are reporting dogs suffocating in a car when we idolise people like this?

He reminds me in several ways of a ‘Joey’ who was famous during my 80s childhood….


Porn Is Ruining Our Children

Porn Is Ruining Our Children

Every so often it flares up in the press and documentaries that the minds (and future sex lives) of our poor innocent children are being ruined by the Evils of pornography.

Getting my knees jerking in unison with theirs, they do have a point.

Almost everyone from a very young age has access to the internet, and even with the parental filters and stuff in place, the chances are a child will still be able to access, or at some point be subjected to a link containing pornography.

If you go to Google and search for porn, you will find it.  Thus, a child may well go online out of curiosity, and potentially have their first experience of sexual arousal whilst watching some slut being raped in the ass and giving a blue waffle and anal gaping.

Religious types have always been banging on about this being terrible, but the fact is that a lot of people’s later sexual preferences will be guided during this early, formative period.

If your first experience of sex is rough gonzo sex videos, there’s every chance that when you finally get to have real sex with a real woman, you will expect to be doing her in the butt, giving her a gagging blowjob, and cumming all over her face at the end.

This will be your view of what sex is, and more importantly, what GOOD sex is.  It will be what you expect to give and receive from sex.  The chances are you and all your mates will chat and laugh about how you fisted someone and then fucked their feet.

To compound this, most parents aren’t too willing to talk about sex, or by the time they do give Little Johnny the ‘Birds & Bees’ talk, he’s already into having threesomes and donkey-punching his girlfriend.

It’s too late.  Porn has ruined your child’s view of sex forever!

Who wants normal vanilla sex, all lovey-dovey and boring?

Hell, even todays erotic fiction (that their parents are reading openly in public – “50 Shades Of Grey” etc) is all about spanking and anal sex!

The future looks grim.  And it looks grim whilst suspended from its nipples in a klyster suit.

All this because porn is so easily available to our kids!

But wait a second!

What is ‘pornography’?

Well, that depends on who you ask.  Some would class a picture of a topless woman as ‘porn’ – some even a woman wearing a bikini.  It could be a video of a loving couple having slow sensuous sex as much as it is a midget sucking off a horse.

Who’s making this distinction?

And following on from that, if your kid is sat there watching ‘anal gape dogging’ porn, it’s most likely because they have specifically gone out and LOOKED for ‘anal gape dogging’ porn!

If you search for, on the other hand, ‘romantic lovers’, can you guess what results you might have returned?  There IS an absolute shitload of ‘nice’ porn out there, showing vanilla acts of sex, possibly between long-term couples who are most definitely both consenting to every act.

So the real problem isn’t porn.  It’s the TYPE of porn that your little shits are deliberately searching for!

And don’t get me wrong – I’d have sought out the nastiest stuff with my mates, too – it’s what kids do.  But I’d have also been able to make the distinction between what is acceptable human behaviour, and what is sick, derogatory, degrading, violent, or not very nice.

Because, you know, I’m not as pigshit thick and completely helpless like all kids today apparently are.  And you’d be hard-pressed to find a way that isn’t the fault of the parents – and not pornography…

EROTIC STORY: “Drive Me To The Edge!”

EROTIC STORY: “Drive Me To The Edge!”

He was watching her as she drove.

It was a huge turn-on to see her handling the car, bare legs straining against the pedals, and the lazy way she caressed the gear stick, sliding her slender fingers over the steering wheel.

The atmosphere between them was electric.  He was already hard in anticipation, willing his erection away so he could give her the full show.

She was squirming with her own wetness.  They spoke briefly, but they were both glad they could use the radio as a distraction – not that it was distracting either from what they were about to do.

She had scouted out some of the quieter roads a few days before, finding the spot in a gateway that she pulled into now.

Fucking dog walkers were the main problem – they popped up everywhere!  Then again, so might Doggers, if they knew what was going on!

She pulled on the handbrake and switched the engine off.

Sun shone over the surrounding fields, a warm breeze softly rustling the hedgerows.  The sound of a distant tractor floated in through the open windows, and they both took a deep breath of fresh summer grassy air.

When they looked at each other the whole world outside the car could have caught fire.  They flung their arms around each other – lips meeting first before their arms wrapped around each other, hands hungrily moving over each others backs.

His hand unfastened a few buttons on her shirt and slipped inside to cup her breast, her eager nipple hard to his touch.

“I want to feel you inside me” she breathed at him, shifting her position to face him better.  Her hand ran over his inner thigh, then slipped between his legs.  He looked down with interest before she found the seat mechanism and slid his seat backwards to it’s furthest point.

He giggled a bit and was about to say something about funfairs, but then she was stretching her leg over his lap to straddle him.

Her hands scrabbled at his trousers, as he lowered the back of his seat so he could lean back a bit, and the summer air felt cool to the hotness of her hands as she sprung him free.

She worked both her hands on him slowly, looking deeply into his eyes.  His hands held her hips, then ran down her thighs, lifting her short skirt and touching the bare flesh beneath.

She moved herself forwards, still holding him in one hand and pressing his cock against her so he could feel her own dripping wetness.

Groaning, one hand went back to her breast, and she stroked his penis with one hand as she thrust her hips against him, herself letting out a cry as she slid against his slick shaft.

Her legs stopped her as she tried to move forwards onto him, and he moaned in frustration as his tip was briefly inside her before she pulled away again.

She placed her hands on his chest, holding him back in his seat, and then shimmied herself around so she was sitting on his lap, her legs outside his.

She pressed her hands into his chest as she lifted herself up, and then lowered herself slowly onto him, her head thrown back as he slid deep inside her.

Holding him inside her, she turned lay her her back onto his strong shoulders, turning her head so they could kiss.  She moved her hips in a wave motion, and then pressed her thighs together and squirmed over his lap, and he whispered her name in her ear at her tightness around him.

One hand held her firmly around her waist, the other unfastening more of her buttons before massaging her breasts.

Her hand moved as she opened her legs again, and he looked down over her breasts as she stroked gently at her clit, feeling herself get even more wet knowing he could see her.

She lifted her feet and put them on the edge of the dashboard, lifting herself up his length as he moved both his hands around her to steady her and hold her tightly.

Suddenly she brought her thighs together sharply, making him cry out, and that cry making her cum hard.  Her spasms set him off, too, thrusting himself deep inside her as her muscles clenched tightly around his own throbbing penis, and he bit lightly on her earlobe as he came with her.

Their desperate movements slowed and his hands held her more gently.  They kissed softly, her beautiful eyes locked on his, as she softly rocked her hips.

Eventually she slid off him, and they drove back to civilisation, leaving the radio switched off.

Their smiles sang better words than any song could have…