50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

I had this rant back in 2012.  I’m pretty sure the whole of society managed to agree on the fact that the books were utter shite.

Well, apparently not.

We have been treated to the film version!

Oh yes! Some skinny wench with ribs hanging out everywhere is now up on the big screen with her brooding-yet-powerful and equally as wooden co-star, and you get to sit in a cinema paddling away at your pink bits while everyone pretends to laugh about it all.

So here is my original blog on the ‘phenomenon’ – just replace the word ‘book’ with ‘film’ and feel free to go at it again:

You have probably been battered around your lady-parts lately by all this excitement over the book ’50 Shades Of Grey’ by E. L. James.

Everyone is going mental over it… err… ok – so by ‘everyone’ I mean the same kind of women who went mental over the Harry Potter books.  Of course, with this book being of actual adult material, it’s been attracting the interest of even more people than the scarf-wearing geeky twat for retards.

And speaking of twats – that’s pretty much what 50 Shades Of Grey is all about!Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for porn.  Just stop trying to dress it up as something else!

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Oh, sure – they’ll call it ‘erotic fiction’, but essentially that just means it’s all the writing from pornographic magazines compiled and expanded without the pictures.And ‘erotica’ is never just about straight sex anymore.  It’ll be whips, chains, spanking, klyster suits and two girls eating each others shit out of a cup!

Yes, I AM a bitter ex-writer of erotica – and I’ve had this rant before about how ‘erotica’ these days can’t just be about a couple having sex.  Apparently it’s not ‘sexy’ until a toy soldier gets shoved up someones arsehole.

So this book is pretty much designed to get women, in the words of ‘The Inbetweeners’, frothing at the gash.There will be lots of one-handed reading going on, if you know what I mean?

Even more astounding given this fact, is that so many people are trying to get hold of second-hand copies off others!?!

“Are the pages stuck together?”  Would be my first question!  Then I’d also be purchasing some disposable gloves and anti-bacterial gel.

I suppose one good thing that will come from this mass hysteria is that it may open up the market for erotic writing again… So maybe I should start reposting the stuff I used to put up for Sex Blog Thursday on MySpace?

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Porn Is Ruining Our Children

Porn Is Ruining Our Children

Every so often it flares up in the press and documentaries that the minds (and future sex lives) of our poor innocent children are being ruined by the Evils of pornography.

Getting my knees jerking in unison with theirs, they do have a point.

Almost everyone from a very young age has access to the internet, and even with the parental filters and stuff in place, the chances are a child will still be able to access, or at some point be subjected to a link containing pornography.

If you go to Google and search for porn, you will find it.  Thus, a child may well go online out of curiosity, and potentially have their first experience of sexual arousal whilst watching some slut being raped in the ass and giving a blue waffle and anal gaping.

Religious types have always been banging on about this being terrible, but the fact is that a lot of people’s later sexual preferences will be guided during this early, formative period.

If your first experience of sex is rough gonzo sex videos, there’s every chance that when you finally get to have real sex with a real woman, you will expect to be doing her in the butt, giving her a gagging blowjob, and cumming all over her face at the end.

This will be your view of what sex is, and more importantly, what GOOD sex is.  It will be what you expect to give and receive from sex.  The chances are you and all your mates will chat and laugh about how you fisted someone and then fucked their feet.

To compound this, most parents aren’t too willing to talk about sex, or by the time they do give Little Johnny the ‘Birds & Bees’ talk, he’s already into having threesomes and donkey-punching his girlfriend.

It’s too late.  Porn has ruined your child’s view of sex forever!

Who wants normal vanilla sex, all lovey-dovey and boring?

Hell, even todays erotic fiction (that their parents are reading openly in public – “50 Shades Of Grey” etc) is all about spanking and anal sex!

The future looks grim.  And it looks grim whilst suspended from its nipples in a klyster suit.

All this because porn is so easily available to our kids!

But wait a second!

What is ‘pornography’?

Well, that depends on who you ask.  Some would class a picture of a topless woman as ‘porn’ – some even a woman wearing a bikini.  It could be a video of a loving couple having slow sensuous sex as much as it is a midget sucking off a horse.

Who’s making this distinction?

And following on from that, if your kid is sat there watching ‘anal gape dogging’ porn, it’s most likely because they have specifically gone out and LOOKED for ‘anal gape dogging’ porn!

If you search for, on the other hand, ‘romantic lovers’, can you guess what results you might have returned?  There IS an absolute shitload of ‘nice’ porn out there, showing vanilla acts of sex, possibly between long-term couples who are most definitely both consenting to every act.

So the real problem isn’t porn.  It’s the TYPE of porn that your little shits are deliberately searching for!

And don’t get me wrong – I’d have sought out the nastiest stuff with my mates, too – it’s what kids do.  But I’d have also been able to make the distinction between what is acceptable human behaviour, and what is sick, derogatory, degrading, violent, or not very nice.

Because, you know, I’m not as pigshit thick and completely helpless like all kids today apparently are.  And you’d be hard-pressed to find a way that isn’t the fault of the parents – and not pornography…

EROTIC STORY: “Just Friends”

EROTIC STORY: “Just Friends”

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It was always asking for trouble.

A bed is to friends what the apple was to Adam and Eve.

As they traded laughter for a quick kiss, he was a little surprised when the gentle lip contact became suddenly and unavoidably deeper.  But only a little surprised.

Their tongues found each other, and she pulled at his shoulder, virtually dragging him on top of her – not that he needed too much coaxing.

Funny though it was, ‘Family Guy’ was lost to a world filled only with them, his arms sliding underneath her body in a fierce embrace.

Still he had to know that this was what she wanted, so he held back, merely matching her kiss until she was lifting his shirt over his head.  As she ground her hips hard up against his, he finally relented to her, pressing his hips back down on her, his hardness making her moan out load as she worked her body.

Her top was gone – he couldn’t remember how or when, and as his lips kissed at her naked shoulders, and he realised she’d slipped off his jeans, he didn’t need to know the answers.

He eased his weight off her, laying to her side and running a hand down her beautiful face.  She kisses him again, hungrily, and his hands fumbled with her own jeans, the wetness that embraced his fingers telling him this was not the time for gentle foreplay – she wanted him right now.

Back on top of her, he slid his length against her, feeling her shudder as she pressed herself against him.  He wanted to tease her like this, but didn’t think he’d last if he did.

As his tip slowly entered her, he could tell she might not last either.

He pushed into her a little, then drew back again, making sure he was slick with her juices as he pushed a little further and then drew back again.  She bit the side of his neck hard as he finally filled her with his whole length, and he held himself as deep as he could inside her as she squirmed her hips, her muscles locking him tightly inside her.

Running his fingers through her hair as he gazed into her eyes again, he took a moment to steady himself, realising almost instantly that those hungry eyes, and her full lips wouldn’t help him.  Pulling her tight again, he nuzzled his nose against her hair, flicking his tongue over her ear, biting slightly as he slowly worked his hips.

In his head he knew he should be trying to think of baseball cards or something now to slow down his climax, but the moment was too good.

She bucked her hips up to meet his thrusts – no time for kissing now as they clawed and pulled at each other.

Suddenly, he pulled out of her, and as if she’d read his mind she moved with him, pushing him onto his back before sinking down onto him again.

She sat up, and his hands cupped her breasts, then he pulled her forwards slightly, sucking and kissing at her nipples as she rode him steadily – a pace that was perfect for both of them.

She stopped with a gasp, and arched her back as she felt him twitch inside her, but he wasn’t ready to end it yet.

Teasing him, she inched off him as slowly as she dared, grinning wickedly as she finally released him, and then he was behind her – inside her again.

He pulled her hips back onto him and held her there hard, whilst very lightly running his tongue from the nape of her neck to her shoulder.  He retraced the route lightly with his teeth, and the hair on her neck stood on end as he bit down gently on her neck, then placed hard kisses up to her earlobe as he pinched her nipples hard.

She turned her head so their lips met briefly, then dropped her face to the mattress in ecstasy as he pulled back and sank into her again.

He thrust harder, and she met his movements eagerly.  He pushed her forwards, taking his weight on one arm as his other hand moved between her legs.

He felt her cum as he was right on the edge, and knew he should pull out of her, but it felt too good.

She was cumming and trying to pull his hand away from her clit, but he kept the pressure there as he came hard inside her, feeling her juices running down over his fingers as she cried out with him.

She fell forwards, and he moved with her, still inside her and kissing her shoulders as they rose and fell with her breathing.

At last she lifted her head and twisted around to look at him with a smile.

Maybe they weren’t just friends anymore…

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EROTIC STORY: “Holiday Make-up”

EROTIC STORY: “Holiday Make-up”

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It was a stupid fucking argument.

They were in the sunny paradise of Spain, and supposed to be enjoying their first holiday abroad.

“I’m sorry.”  She said through her pout.

“Me too.”  He agreed, as she slid her arms around him and he returned the gesture.

He kissed her quickly but softly on the lips, looking down at her pout and finding it strangely sexy.  He closed his eyes and lowered his lips back to hers – still softly but lingering this time, the heat of the sun warming one side of them as they stood in it’s glare just inside the hotel room.

She felt him instantly growing hard against her – hardly surprising considering the holiday sun, and the lack of sex they’d had these last few days.

His hands ran all over her back, sending shivers up her spine as he traced a line across her shoulder blades.  She gasped and her body sagged slightly against his.

Shuffling her feet back slightly, her legs found the couch and she lowered herself onto it, still looking deeply into his eyes as her fingertips ran over his broad shoulders, down his arms, until their hands found each others.

He leaned down and kissed her again, harder now, as he knelt on the floor between her legs.

His hands ran up her bare legs, from the knees, raking his nails lightly and slowly all the way up to her hips, sliding under her sarong as he did.

She bit down on the side of his neck as he pulled her hips into him.

Clearly feeling his hard shaft through the thin material of his shorts and her bikini bottoms, she ground her hips so that he was touching her in the perfect place, her clit throbbing and the material there already soaking with need.

As she moved her hands down his back, sliding them under the waistband of his shorts and grabbing his ass, he deftly tugged on the ties, and the feel of the smooth top sliding off her nipples made them grow even harder.

He pushed her shoulders back and moved his mouth down to her breasts, licking and sucking each in turn, gently biting her nipples, but all she could feel was his hard cock as she wriggled her hips against him, her nails scratching at his back as she tried to pull him harder against her.

She leaned back on the couch and he shifted himself as his soft kisses ran down her stomach, but she stopped him there, pulling his face back to hers and slipping his shorts down to expose him.

“Do it now…” she breathed, a shudder in her voice just with the anticipation.

They both looked down between them, her finger hooking the bikini to the side, his guiding his penis, sliding it’s head against her opening, his glistening pre-cum joined by her slick wetness as he coated his tip, both gasping and groaning with the sight and feelings.

One hand still around his shaft, he guided himself once more to her entrance, between her fingers which now held herself apart for his entry, and she cried out as it came easily as he sank into her as far as he could.

He used one hand around her lower back to keep her tight to him, and as they kissed again she moved with him deep inside her, feeling him throbbing as she squeezed him.

At last he pulled back, hands running over her thighs again as he worked up a steady rhythm with her, hard and deep with them both trying desperately to hold back.

He felt her nails tear into his back as she reached the edge, and as he kissed the side of her neck he smiled as he noted the flush there.

He pushed her back on the couch, still kneeling in front of it, and hooked his hands under her shoulders.

She liked to feel his weight on her, and as his thrusts got harder and faster she heard herself cry out as she came, and she felt him tense as he came deep inside her, too, slowing his movements to a tender pace, delivering a few soft, quick kisses to her as he brushed her hair away from her face so that he could smile down at her.

He pulled out of her, and embraced her again as the both stood up.

“Uh-oh,” He said, “The cleaner won’t like that.”

She turned and followed his gaze towards the large wet patch on the couch.

Using her foot whilst holding him for balance, she nudged one of the cushions over the stain.

“There – no-one would ever know!” she said playfully.

“Let’s go to the beach.” he said, taking her hands and kissing her again.

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“And then gently holding her thong to the side, he slid inside her…”

I used to be one of the main instigators for ‘Sex Blog Thursday’ on MySpace – where everyone would contribute by posting an erotic story or poem.  It’s quite shocking to think that it all ended 5 years ago, now!  Since then, I’ve been threatening to re-post some of the erotic short stories I wrote for this, but with most of my alias being now known through Facebook and stuff, I was too scared.

With the suddent spurting all over the scene by E L James and the ’50 Shades of Grey’ books, erotic fiction has now gone mainstream!  So, much as I tried to do with SBT, I’m going to post some of my erotica again to balance things out, and hopefully show that to be ‘erotic’ doesn’t mean you have to include bondage, spanking, and showing dolls up your arse to write something sexy.  You might even find some humour in my stories, too!  And so why not plunge in slow and deep with this one:

“And then gently holding her thong to the side, he slid inside her…”

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Yeah, they were bad – but as his finger stroked her own juices over her clit for the first time, neither of them cared.

With her parents in the room above them, only her gentle sigh broke the silence of the house, and she twisted next to him on the couch so that he could move his hands easier beneath her skirt.

He kissed her hard, one arm around her back as his other hand worked deep beneath her black lacy underwear.  The curve of her hips always seemed designed for his hands, and he pulled her tighter towards him.

Breaking off the kiss with another gasp, her hair fell forward over her face as her hands scrabbled at his trousers.

He took the moment to deeply inhale the clean smell of her hair, her perfume topping it off as she released him to the cool air in the room.

She pushed him back firmly as her hot lips slid over him, tongue flicking at him, only taking him in her mouth for a few strokes before he sat back on the couch herself.

He smiled, slipping off the couch to his knees, a hand on each of her spread thighs running up to move her skirt higher, then pulling her hips sharply towards his own as he shuffled closer between her legs.

She hooked a finger around the delicate material of her thong, and pulled it to one side, watching his face as he followed her fingers.

No further invitation was needed, but the hushed “I want your cock” sent tingles down his spine just as much as the feeling of his tip against her warm wetness.

He slid slowly and deliberately all the way inside her, watching himself sink into her, and only looking up to see her head thrown back in ecstasy when he could push in no further.

He held himself there, and then lifted her hips off the couch, pulling her even more onto him, watching her face intently.  He lowered her as he slowly slid all the way out of her, her eyes flicking open to meet his for a fleeting second before he thrust quickly and deeply into her, lifting her with his hands again.

This time she cried out, biting the knuckles of one hand to stifle the cry, and grabbing at his arms.

Leaning forwards over her as he fucked her rhythmically, his hands moved to her breasts, and hers clawed at the back of his shirt.

She pushed him away from her, and turned herself so she was on all fours bent over the couch.

He pulled her thong to the side once again, before grabbing her hips hard and plunging into her again, slowing as the couch creaked, then speeding up again, unable to stop themselves as she pushed back hard against him with each thrust.

Both sweating now, she turned back around, arms around his neck as they kissed and moved with each other.

She buried her face against his shoulder to stop herself from crying out, feeling his body starting to tense up, and that’s when the bedroom door above them opened!

They both stopped dead, listening to the footsteps to see if they were headed down the stairs, and she clenched tightly around him, hoping to stop him from cumming.

He let out a throaty yelp as his orgasm came, the feel of her around him pushing him over the edge rather than holding him back, and her arms wrapped around him almost painfully as his spasms took her into her own release.

For long moments they stayed like that together, thankfully hearing the footsteps moving to the bathroom upstairs.

“I didn’t want you to cum!”  She whispered. “I thought that would stop you!”

He groaned and kissed her.

“No chance when you feel that good…”

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50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

You have probably been battered around your lady-parts lately by all this excitement over the book ’50 Shades Of Grey’ by E. L. James.

Everyone is going mental over it… err… ok – so by ‘everyone’ I mean the same kind of women who went mental over the Harry Potter books.  Of course, with this book being of actual adult material, it’s been attracting the interest of even more people than the scarf-wearing geeky twat for retards.

And speaking of twats – that’s pretty much what 50 Shades Of Grey is all about!Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for porn.  Just stop trying to dress it up as something else!

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Oh, sure – they’ll call it ‘erotic fiction’, but essentially that just means it’s all the writing from pornographic magazines compiled and expanded without the pictures.And ‘erotica’ is never just about straight sex anymore.  It’ll be whips, chains, spanking, klyster suits and two girls eating each others shit out of a cup!

Yes, I AM a bitter ex-writer of erotica – and I’ve had this rant before about how ‘erotica’ these days can’t just be about a couple having sex.  Apparently it’s not ‘sexy’ until a toy soldier gets shoved up someones arsehole.

So this book is pretty much designed to get women, in the words of ‘The Inbetweeners’, frothing at the gash.There will be lots of one-handed reading going on, if you know what I mean?

Even more astounding given this fact, is that so many people are trying to get hold of second-hand copies off others!?!

“Are the pages stuck together?”  Would be my first question!  Then I’d also be purchasing some disposable gloves and anti-bacterial gel.

I suppose one good thing that will come from this mass hysteria is that it may open up the market for erotic writing again… So maybe I should start reposting the stuff I used to put up for Sex Blog Thursday on MySpace?

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

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You didn’t think I’d let this day pass without bitchslapping it around the back of the head, did you?  You DID?  Shame on you!

I used to like Halloween.  I still do, I guess… but all you fuckers are getting it all WRONG and ruining it!!!

It’s a pagan festival, where in England we all traditionally dress in masks with lanterns and go out and beat Priests and Vicars to death.

OK, so that might not be true, but either way it’s supposed to be scary and fun.

Did you hear that?  SCARY and fun.

Sure, take your kids around to old biddie’s houses and give them heart attacks, and throw a Halloween party, but what in the blue-arsed-baboon FUCK is all this about:

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This is your typical Halloween costume these days.  Stupid shit like fairies and Alice-in-fucking-Wonderland and ‘sexy pirates’… fuck, what have ANY damned pirates got to do with Halloween??? 

Ghouls… Werewolves… Witches… ok I’ll give you vampires, and they CAN be sexy, but that’s supposed to be a BY-PRODUCT of the whole vampire thing!  Halloween shouldn’t be about sexy costumes and trying to get laid!  Is it any wonder our kids are all fucking each other from the age of ten with this shit being forced down our (deep) throats?

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So, yes, we used to dress up as murderous non-sexy creatures and try to extort cash and sweets from people.  We never took our parents out with us, either!

How the hell are The Big Kids supposed to go out ‘Ghost Busting’* when their parents are stood behind them the whole time?

And when Little Johnny’s string-vested just-out-of-prison Dad is stood glaring at you from the top of your path, you feel strangely inclined to give them lots of money and sweets and a can of Tennants Super rather than tell them to Sod Off and slam the door in their face.

Do they still say “TRICK OR TREAT?” when you answer the door, or is it just a moody “Give.” these days?  And what’s the ‘trick’?

Getting stabbed by a bunch of 16 year old Chavs with their hoodies up to look like ghosts?

Witches… Ghosts… Spiders… Girl Scouts???

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It’s not about dressing as a zombie, serial killer or ghost now – it’s about dressing like that slut who should never be allowed out of the bedroom.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m alllllllllllll for that – but I’m not trying to kid myself that you’re dressing for Halloween and not a hardcore fetish porno.

*Ghost Busting – when the Big Kids take the piss out of your costume, beat you up, and/or take all your money and sweets.  It was ‘fun’.