50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

I had this rant back in 2012.  I’m pretty sure the whole of society managed to agree on the fact that the books were utter shite.

Well, apparently not.

We have been treated to the film version!

Oh yes! Some skinny wench with ribs hanging out everywhere is now up on the big screen with her brooding-yet-powerful and equally as wooden co-star, and you get to sit in a cinema paddling away at your pink bits while everyone pretends to laugh about it all.

So here is my original blog on the ‘phenomenon’ – just replace the word ‘book’ with ‘film’ and feel free to go at it again:

You have probably been battered around your lady-parts lately by all this excitement over the book ’50 Shades Of Grey’ by E. L. James.

Everyone is going mental over it… err… ok – so by ‘everyone’ I mean the same kind of women who went mental over the Harry Potter books.  Of course, with this book being of actual adult material, it’s been attracting the interest of even more people than the scarf-wearing geeky twat for retards.

And speaking of twats – that’s pretty much what 50 Shades Of Grey is all about!Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for porn.  Just stop trying to dress it up as something else!

http://allpicturespink.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/bad0b0-1-lovelyass-dons-erotic-black_and_white-sexy-woman-romantico-my-favs-new-black-and-white-sexi-ladies-sensual-erotic-girl-dress-sexyseductive_large.jpg?w=584

Oh, sure – they’ll call it ‘erotic fiction’, but essentially that just means it’s all the writing from pornographic magazines compiled and expanded without the pictures.And ‘erotica’ is never just about straight sex anymore.  It’ll be whips, chains, spanking, klyster suits and two girls eating each others shit out of a cup!

Yes, I AM a bitter ex-writer of erotica – and I’ve had this rant before about how ‘erotica’ these days can’t just be about a couple having sex.  Apparently it’s not ‘sexy’ until a toy soldier gets shoved up someones arsehole.

So this book is pretty much designed to get women, in the words of ‘The Inbetweeners’, frothing at the gash.There will be lots of one-handed reading going on, if you know what I mean?

Even more astounding given this fact, is that so many people are trying to get hold of second-hand copies off others!?!

“Are the pages stuck together?”  Would be my first question!  Then I’d also be purchasing some disposable gloves and anti-bacterial gel.

I suppose one good thing that will come from this mass hysteria is that it may open up the market for erotic writing again… So maybe I should start reposting the stuff I used to put up for Sex Blog Thursday on MySpace?

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‘Actor Hired To Play Batman’ Shocker!!!

‘Actor Hired To Play Batman’ Shocker!!!

Over the weekend, I’m sure that your Facebook feed was taken over by 24,000 posts, pictures, and geeky emo bullshit.

Not because they’ve killed off a Twilight or Harry Potter character – but because They have announced that Ben Affleck will be playing Batman in the next, err, ‘Batman’ movie.

Apparently, there are enough weirdo’s out there who have invented their own little comic book worlds inside their Sheldon Cooper-like noggins, that they expect anyone else to give a shit?

Maybe if they cry long and hard enough about it, the Batman makers will fire poor little Ben (Matt Damons [said in spakka voice] mate, for those who don’t know.), and hire their fat geeky ass or Robert -ing Patterson or whoever else they’ve invented as the ‘perfect’ Batman.

“He’s as bad as Val Kilmer!!!” they whine!

“He can’t act!” tweeted the very wooden Clive Owen in despair.

“Yes Gary!  Act!!” encouraged Spottswoode, before adding an “America! Fuck yeah!”.

“He’s almost as bad as that Granny-faced Unfunny Wimpy Geek Crap-acting Cunt Michael Cera!” one person (me) made up in mock-horror!

So WHY is he a bad choice?

Because you saw someone different in your head?

I was horrified at the thought of a Green Mile film after reading the books – but Tom Hanks did alright in it.

That’s kind-of the clever thing about actors.  They are there to, you know, act in films and stuff.  Until you’re doing the casting for a film, you can go fornicate yourself with an iron stick if you don’t like the choices.

And this stuff is even hitting news headlines?!

WTF?

Dum-de-dah… war declared by ‘Merka… ho-hum… missing schoolgirl… Miley’s ass…whatever… Batman to be played by Ben Affleck?!??  OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!

I mentioned Twilight and Potter fans because they are the same level of mental.

Batman fans are even worse than the comic-book kids, because even those kids wouldn’t give a shit who gets cast to play him in a damned film!

What the Hell is going on, here?  Or is it just me???

Things that piss me off about this even more:

He’s going to wear a -ing mask.

It’s TWO MOTHERFUNKING YEARS away!

It’s a fucking FILM!  A MOVIE!  This is NOT your new bastard President!!!

EDIT:  As I was adding the pics for this blog, I looked out the office window to see the Batmobile and the Trotters 3 wheeler van going past on a trailer.  Seriously.

And the Scooby Doo van has just appeared.  I got some pics:

FURTHER EDIT:

Then on my way home, I got stuck behind Batman for 10 -ing minutes!!!  Is it the Warner Bros Mafia who’ve already been sent out to get me for this blog???

 

 

50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

50 Shades Of Grey – Acceptable Porn

You have probably been battered around your lady-parts lately by all this excitement over the book ’50 Shades Of Grey’ by E. L. James.

Everyone is going mental over it… err… ok – so by ‘everyone’ I mean the same kind of women who went mental over the Harry Potter books.  Of course, with this book being of actual adult material, it’s been attracting the interest of even more people than the scarf-wearing geeky twat for retards.

And speaking of twats – that’s pretty much what 50 Shades Of Grey is all about!Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for porn.  Just stop trying to dress it up as something else!

http://allpicturespink.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/bad0b0-1-lovelyass-dons-erotic-black_and_white-sexy-woman-romantico-my-favs-new-black-and-white-sexi-ladies-sensual-erotic-girl-dress-sexyseductive_large.jpg?w=584

Oh, sure – they’ll call it ‘erotic fiction’, but essentially that just means it’s all the writing from pornographic magazines compiled and expanded without the pictures.And ‘erotica’ is never just about straight sex anymore.  It’ll be whips, chains, spanking, klyster suits and two girls eating each others shit out of a cup!

Yes, I AM a bitter ex-writer of erotica – and I’ve had this rant before about how ‘erotica’ these days can’t just be about a couple having sex.  Apparently it’s not ‘sexy’ until a toy soldier gets shoved up someones arsehole.

So this book is pretty much designed to get women, in the words of ‘The Inbetweeners’, frothing at the gash.There will be lots of one-handed reading going on, if you know what I mean?

Even more astounding given this fact, is that so many people are trying to get hold of second-hand copies off others!?!

“Are the pages stuck together?”  Would be my first question!  Then I’d also be purchasing some disposable gloves and anti-bacterial gel.

I suppose one good thing that will come from this mass hysteria is that it may open up the market for erotic writing again… So maybe I should start reposting the stuff I used to put up for Sex Blog Thursday on MySpace?

Worship Your Weak Heros

Worship Your Weak Heros

The world is going to shit.

Kids are unruly at best, and stab each other in the japs-eye at worst (or if they live in London), the criminals have more rights than your average law abiding citizen, and a ‘celebrity’ buying a new thong carries more news headlines than a natural disaster.

Adults don’t even read anymore, and if they do its childrens books about wizards!

WTF is going on?

I’ll tell you what: We don’t have any role models.  The closest we get to a role model is a choice between an alcoholic wife-beating rapist of a footballer, or a poncey metrosexual hen-pecked fashion whore of a footballer.

Ooh!  Choices, choices…

What we don’t have is any real Hero’s anymore.  Even in fiction, our ‘Hero’s aren’t exactly the Herculean, err… Hercules or even a pre-horeseriding-accident Superman.

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2010/02/epic-fail-costume-fail.jpg


Oh no – we get weak, pansy-assed weeds like this:

https://i1.wp.com/thesquigglyline.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/406hobbit-group-lord-of-the-rings-over-sized-posters.jpg


Don’t get me wrong – whilst the books in the whole LOTR series bored me more than an impotent Vicar at a lapdancing club, I actually enjoyed the films quite a lot.  Apart from one thing, which – as you may have guessed – are the hairy-toed limp-dicks pictured above.

Hobbits.  Yeah, sure – have them in the film doing their thing, but FFS don’t make THEM the Hero’s!  They’re the cute little aside as the Hero sweeps through actually getting stuff DONE!  Nobody should want to BE a damned Hobbit!

Horrible, sneaky little weak, scared, indecisive, couldn’t-punch-their-way-out-of-a-wet-paper-bag dick-heads!!!

And just as everyone is getting over them and back to decent LARP costumes like Barbarians and Evil DeathfuckI’mhards, who comes along???

This twat:

http://wordpump.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/harrypotter5poster.jpg


They’re all a lot like Superman, actually – no, not the one with the head-stick and dribble – I mean the spastic that was Clark Kent before he took his glasses off.  As if he forgot he was actually Superman and never got around to saving anything but Dungeons & Dragons playing cards.

We all look up to Clark Kent as our Hero and role model rather than Superman, and nobody is saying “Hey wait a minute!  Where’s the passion?  Where’s the power?  Where’s the fucking HERO-ness???”

Then again, none of us could tell the difference between Clark Kent and Superman as long as he wore glasses and used less hairgel, so is it really all that surprising…?