Nasty Evil Ninja Rants

Nasty Evil Ninja Rants

It’s been a long time since I gave you all a bit of the personal touch on this blog.  Not in the creepy uncle or Catholic priest way – I mean, showing you a little of me that’s usually hidden… err… no, that’s not right, either…

Whatever, you pervy sick little monkeys!

I was off ill recently (nearly died, got over it, not one to moan etc), and made what I always know will be a bad mistake: I switched on the news.

I lasted about 15 minutes before boiling over.

Blind People

Don’t worry – I’m not going to slag them off or kick their dogs! This was a whole article on the national news because they’ve spent God knows how much of our money on a study.

“To learn what?” I hear you cry!

Well, apparently to learn that “Britain’s streets are an obstacle course for blind people”.


You’d think they’d learn to look where they’re -ing going, or something, wouldn’t you?

I didn’t even hear the rest of that one, switching off in a huff and firing up Dragon Age Inquisition.  I imagine that they were proposing nobody moves anything that’s on the street, or we set up -ing conveyor belt systems to hoof the blind around safely.

Don’t get me wrong – full respect to the blind who manage to get around, but I think even they will realise that it’s an obstacle course out there because THEY CAN’T -ING SEE!!!

A Pink Van

In a 10 minute long feature, Labour were banging on about their new pink van.

“Is it to highlight that all politicians are big jumbly dog penises?”

No, no it is not.

It’s a big pink van that they’re driving around, because this will inspire all the women to vote.

If I had a vagina I’d be rubbing it all over that van in thanks!  “I can vote Labour because they have pink -ing vans!” I’d cry orgasmically in my little suffragette voice (possibly whilst throwing myself under the wheels?).

Not only was this such a fantastic idea that they felt we all needed to know about as ‘news’, but they even had an interview with, in their words, “The Mastermind” of the project.

The -ing dumbass patronising gimp who had some drugged-up idea that women seeing a pink van will want to vote for the owners??

I see a van and I think “Oh look, someone’s going to lift me and torture me in the back on a piss-stained mattress!” – but if it’s pink and tells people to vote then I guess it’s money well spent.


We’ve all seen it.  The latest ‘celebrity’ is around, and so hoards of people pack around them excitedly, waving things for them to sign.

But why?

Is it just me who finds the whole thing a bit weird? I mean, why would you want the signature of someone you don’t know?  Or someone that you DO know, thinking about it! Unless you’re trying to forge a postal order and go back in time to a Post Office where you can still cash them!

People whinge about stars like Guy Martin – who openly says he doesn’t know what anyone sees in him, and doesn’t want the publicity – because he seems reluctant to hang around for 4 hours signing his name on beer mats, old dildo receipts, and ladies nipple-parts!

It’s because you’re all -ing weird!  What are you going to do with it?

Put it in a book to keep to show the grand children who won’t give a shit?

You could put it on your smartphone and file it along with that firework display you eagerly recorded for NOBODY EVER to watch, or that gig you stood at the back of looking like a modern day candle-holding twat.

Good day to you, Sirs.

‘Actor Hired To Play Batman’ Shocker!!!

‘Actor Hired To Play Batman’ Shocker!!!

Over the weekend, I’m sure that your Facebook feed was taken over by 24,000 posts, pictures, and geeky emo bullshit.

Not because they’ve killed off a Twilight or Harry Potter character – but because They have announced that Ben Affleck will be playing Batman in the next, err, ‘Batman’ movie.

Apparently, there are enough weirdo’s out there who have invented their own little comic book worlds inside their Sheldon Cooper-like noggins, that they expect anyone else to give a shit?

Maybe if they cry long and hard enough about it, the Batman makers will fire poor little Ben (Matt Damons [said in spakka voice] mate, for those who don’t know.), and hire their fat geeky ass or Robert -ing Patterson or whoever else they’ve invented as the ‘perfect’ Batman.

“He’s as bad as Val Kilmer!!!” they whine!

“He can’t act!” tweeted the very wooden Clive Owen in despair.

“Yes Gary!  Act!!” encouraged Spottswoode, before adding an “America! Fuck yeah!”.

“He’s almost as bad as that Granny-faced Unfunny Wimpy Geek Crap-acting Cunt Michael Cera!” one person (me) made up in mock-horror!

So WHY is he a bad choice?

Because you saw someone different in your head?

I was horrified at the thought of a Green Mile film after reading the books – but Tom Hanks did alright in it.

That’s kind-of the clever thing about actors.  They are there to, you know, act in films and stuff.  Until you’re doing the casting for a film, you can go fornicate yourself with an iron stick if you don’t like the choices.

And this stuff is even hitting news headlines?!


Dum-de-dah… war declared by ‘Merka… ho-hum… missing schoolgirl… Miley’s ass…whatever… Batman to be played by Ben Affleck?!??  OUTRAGEOUS!!!!!

I mentioned Twilight and Potter fans because they are the same level of mental.

Batman fans are even worse than the comic-book kids, because even those kids wouldn’t give a shit who gets cast to play him in a damned film!

What the Hell is going on, here?  Or is it just me???

Things that piss me off about this even more:

He’s going to wear a -ing mask.


It’s a fucking FILM!  A MOVIE!  This is NOT your new bastard President!!!

EDIT:  As I was adding the pics for this blog, I looked out the office window to see the Batmobile and the Trotters 3 wheeler van going past on a trailer.  Seriously.

And the Scooby Doo van has just appeared.  I got some pics:


Then on my way home, I got stuck behind Batman for 10 -ing minutes!!!  Is it the Warner Bros Mafia who’ve already been sent out to get me for this blog???



Don’t Bother Watching The News – It’s Not For You!

Don’t Bother Watching The News – It’s Not For You!

I make no secret of the fact that I very rarely watch the news on TV, or even read newspapers.

People give me funny looks if I say that, because they think I’m ignorant and out of touch. Everyone should watch the news, right?


I’ll tell you exactly what the news is. A load of crap they spoon feed you to meet their own agenda. They want to desensitise/sensitise you and make you think they way they want you to. Oh, yes – now I’ve written that down I’m checking my own head to see if I’m wearing a foil hat! I sound like a bloody nutter, but I’m going to have to stand by it!

When I do watch the news either one of two things happens: I get angry or I get depressed.

My anger might be at the way some Dictator is slaughtering millions etc, but is more likely to be how they are blatantly missing huge chunks of the story which may change the whole thing completely. For example, a ‘Merkin friend recently put a link on Facebook about how some poor soul was savagely beaten by some Evil Police officer. Terrible. Shocking!

But wait… however ‘bad’ the Police are, you won’t get them handing out a proper ass-whupping to someone who’s totally innocent. Exactly WHY was this ‘innocent’ person in their line of fire? Had they threatened to dismember the Officers family? Spat in his face? Raped a 3 year old girl repeatedly?

Fuck you for trying to tell me how should think! Give me the whole story and then let me decide, because I KNOW some people NEED to get battered by the Police! The world would be a much better place!

If it’s not some ‘shocker’ (not the hand movement) story, then it’s something depressing. Something we can’t do a damned thing about, and so what the Hell is the point or worrying about it? Oh, they’re fucking us over with more tax? Go ahead – you’re going to do it whatever I do about it! Knowing our leaders don’t have my best interests at heart won’t advantage me in any way.

Psychopath went all mental and shot a load of people?


No, wait, you fucking morons! How about BAN ALL PSYCHOPATHS instead??

Or a celebrity has done WHOGIVESAFUCK?!??????

This stuff either doesn’t affect you, or affects you in a way you can’t do anything about anyway.

I have my own little world and my own life. I have my friends and family to worry about, and wondering whether I can afford to get to work because all my fucking wages go towards paying for cunts who never work to be given everything for free because they had 6 babies and a ganja habit they’re on the Jeremy Kyle show for.

Are you actually happier being an avid watcher of the news? I doubt it very much.

The big stories still filter through to me, so I’m not totally out of touch, but the truth is I very rarely care.

Should I?

Although, give me a newspaper for just 30 minutes, and I’ll have another 10 blog rants for you!

Spy Didn’t Padlock Himself Into Bag Shocker!!!

Spy Didn’t Padlock Himself Into Bag Shocker!!!

I made the mistake of switching the 1 O’Clock News on today.  The lead story?

An inquest has found that an MI6 operative might not have padlocked himself inside a sports bag in his own bathtub.


This is wrong on soooooo many levels, that whilst I calm myself and stop making spakka noises at the TV, I shall give you a link to the full story:

MI6 officer inquest shown bag closure attempts

Footage of separate attempts by two experts to lock themselves into a bag has been shown at the inquest into the death of MI6 officer Gareth Williams.

The body of Mr Williams, 31, from Anglesey, was found in a holdall in the bath of his London flat in August 2010.

William MacKay, who said his military career made him adept at working in confined spaces, struggled to shut the bag and he caused damage to the zip.

Peter Faulding said it was very awkward and the “temperature rose fast”.

Mr MacKay told the inquest – which is trying to establish whether Mr Williams was locked in the bag by another person or did it himself – that locking the bag was a skill that would have required training but that once a person had done it, they could not get out.

He added: “There are people around who can do amazing things and Mr Williams may well have been one of those persons.”

But the next expert witness, Mr Faulding, said that he had tried and failed to lock the bag from inside 300 times – and added that he was sure it could not be done.

And so on…

Right.  First off are they trying to say that someone went all David Blane and put a holdall in the bathtub, climbed into it, padlocked it, and then tried to Houdini their way out?  Or that they climbed inside for some very bizarre emo suicide attempt?  And wouldn’t using a hammer be easier if it was the latter?

Secondly, how the fuck is this the primary news story today?!  Note that this actually happened in 2010!  This is just the Government/Judicial system spending millions to find out, two years later, whether it’s possible that someone else may have been involved.  I could have saved them all time and money by saying OF COURSE SOMEBODY ELSE WAS PROBABLY INVOLVED!!!

*Feel free to send me a message through WordPress if you need an Expert Witness for any similar cases – I offer discount rates for block bookings.*

And then, THEN we get to the core of this!  This was an MI6 operative – or a Spy in laymans terms.  So essentially this is another ‘Spy Gets Murdered’ shocker story!  A bit like a ‘Soldier Gets Shot At’ shocker, or ‘Government Are Dumbass Cunts Who Rip You Off Yet Again’ shocker.

Anybody who’s ever watched James Bond or even Austin Powers will be aware that spies kill each other.  It’s sort-of what they do.

Surely, the first person who found this mans body padlocked inside a bag in his bath immediately thought “Shit, someone’s murdered Agent Gaz!”, rather than “Oh wow!  Gareth seems to have accidentally killed himself by climbing inside a holdall and padlocking it!”?

Am I missing something here or has every other cunt gone mental whilst I wasn’t looking???

BONUS FLIDDISHNESS:  As an aside, the weather expert on this same news programme has just confirmed that “April has been a very wet month”.  Fucking genius!!!

Panic Buying Petrol

Panic Buying Petrol

The first I knew about this were Facebook statuses reporting huge queues of cars around local petrol stations.

I’m pretty adept now at completely avoiding the news, so had a quick look on the BBC website to find out what current crisis might have triggered this off.  And there isn’t one.

Petrol Tanker drivers were talking about going on strike for more money because their job is dangerous.

Let me just stop there to go off on a tangent:  These drivers are paid £45,000 per year.  And they want more.  I’d be happy to be earning HALF of what they’re getting.  And they want more?  Aww – poor diddums!  You can only afford to buy the one fucking BMW every year, now, can you?  I’ll tell you what – I’LL do their ‘dangerous’ job for £35,000 per year and smile every day!  The Police don’t even get £45,000 per year!!!

So, yes – back on track…

It seems that some twatbag politician had ‘advised’ that people top up their tanks and fill some jerry cans with petrol before they went into talks with the poor hard-done-by truckers.

So the dumb-ass Chavvy masses of course all went down to their local forecourt to fill every orrifice with petrol.


And now, thanks to these dickheads, all petrol prices have gone up at least another 10p per litre (don’t even get me started on THAT one) because everyone is falling over themselves to pay it!

I haven’t filled up in a week because I didn’t need to.  This morning I had to wait in a queue at 07:30 because these rubberheads were all out early again, when all I want is enough fuel to get me to work!


All of you.

Utterly Shit New Facebook Feed – Go And Die

Utterly Shit New Facebook Feed – Go And Die

All day I saw people whinging about yet more new and unoptoutable (is that a word?) changes that Facebook were making.  I couldn’t see much difference apart from some of my groups in the list were missing.  Or MORE, I should say, as the rest disappeared a while back during other changes…

Getting back tonight and sitting down with a nice monkfish tail and noodles, I called up Facebook and… It’s here!

What, in the blue-arsed spasticated baboons arse of a CUNT have they gone and done now?!?

For fucks sake!

I’m greeted with ‘Top Stories’.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Good idea, but useless to me.  How do I change it back?  I can’t??

Ok, so I go down the list of posts on my news feed, and click the options tag to the right of their post, to find that by default, I’m only going to see ‘most’ of that friends posts on Facebook.  I have to go through the 300-odd (some very odd) friends on their individually to change this so I can see ALL their posts like before??  FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU RIGHT UNDER THE FINGERNAILS WITH THE EDGE OF A CORRUGATED PIZZA BOX, YOU UTTER CUNTS!!!!

Surely the default setting should be to see ALL posts, and in time order from the most recent??  That’s the whole fucking point of Facebook??

I’m only on there to keep in touch with friends, and more importantly to be ENTERTAINED by what they say!  I like to think some on there will be ENTERTAINED by what I post, too!

But are they even seeing it now?  Am I seeing them?

Have they sold Facebook to MySpace?  Because I loved that place until they utterly fucked it up to the point where I scrapped my 1 million view blog to start again from scratch on a site that wasn’t shit!

Facebook has done even worse, because where MySpace simply ignored anything to do with blogs, FaceFuck has directly fucked up the entire point of being there.


*applauds sarcastically*

And you film was shit, too.

Cunts. Facebook, being the ball that Facebook dropped, yesterday.

Thoughts To Norway – For A Few Moments, Anyway…

Thoughts To Norway – For A Few Moments, Anyway…

I’m a bit behind with the news.

It’s all either doom & gloom badness, celebrities, propoganda or knee-jerk reactions, so for years now I’ve barely bothered to watch any news – let alone read a paper.  It just makes me mad and ranty.

But this morning I spent a good few hours finding out about the bomb and shootings in Norway.

The bomb was shocking enough, but some man dressed in Police uniform went on a shooting spree on an island filled with children at a Summer camp.

Ninety or more confirmed dead so far.  NINETY.

Whatever statement the gunman was trying to make, I just can’t comprehend him wanting to murder CHILDREN?!  Killing adults, deserving or not, is sick and pointless enough – but why young children who haven’t even been alive long enough to corrupt or adversely affect the World?

Now THAT is real tragedy.

THAT is real news.

Oh, look!  Some druggy bint of a scum-cunt pop singer has died!

That’ll be the end of Norway on the front pages…
***Already all the news channels have cut coverage from Norway in favour of showing picturs of the outside of Amy Winhouse’s house.  For fucks sake, people!  This is why I hate the press.