Complaint to Shell fuels

Complaint to Shell fuels

Dear Shell,

Your attendant refused to switch the pump on for me last night at your Northfield, Birmingham forecourt.

I ride a motorcycle, and have spent 17 years filling up whilst sat on the bike, so that I can safely see what I’m doing and fill the tank to the maximum safe level.

The attendant said that she was new, and had been told not to allow bikers to fill unless they dismount. I got back on my bike and rode off to fill up at the next available forecourt, with no issues.

I stayed calm and polite, despite the humiliation of having your staff member gesturing wildly at me (I thought she might be signalling “Intentional Grounding” but then realised she wasn’t an American Football referee) for a while, before I had to walk into the shop to enquire what the issue was.

I can only think of two possible reasons why I may have been refused:

  • Theft. Shell assumes all bikers are thieves who will run off with the small amount of petrol a bike can hold. Apparently the 2 seconds it takes to get back on a bike makes a major difference to this?
  • Safety. After 17 years of filling up without turning into a fireball, admittedly this COULD be the one time I set myself on fire somehow. Again, I’m not sure what major difference there is when it takes me less than 1 second (note this is quicker than getting on the bike) to dismount whilst my leathers and helmet are engulfed in a chemical blaze. Please also note that the ‘safety’ option makes even less sense when you consider that after I’ve filled my tank to the brim, I will then be climbing on top of it, resting my torso on the tank, and starting the engine in a series of controlled explosions to power me away from the Shell forecourt.

Could you explain why this is, if this is even policy?

Also, what can you do to compensate me so that I feel welcome using your fuels (and I will always pick Shell over the competition) in the future?

Yours faithfully,

Nasty Evil Ninja

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NHS Complaint to Bromsgrove MIU

NHS Complaint to Bromsgrove MIU

https://highlatencylife.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/nurses-uniforms14.jpg?w=418&h=390

The online feedback form I left on the NHS website should pretty much explain this one.

My answer to the question before, “What could be done to improve your visit for next time?” was: Get the nurse to wind her neck in.

“How likely would you be to recommend our service to friends and family?”

Very unlikely.

https://i1.wp.com/www.hughston.com/hha/b.wrstfx2.jpg

“Please tell us why you gave that answer?”

Oh, ok then… *takes a deep breath*

I was told to go to x-ray and MIU by my GP with a suspected wrist/scaphoid injury following a racing car crash a week ago, where my open wheeled car had collided with another car, torquing my hands around with the steering wheel (and launching me 3ft in the air before another heavy landing, if you want all the exciting details).

The x-rays thankfully showed no fractures, and I dutifully booked in to MIU as advised. I do not like hospitals or doctors, hence me having waited a week in considerable pain from my injuries, but was extremely pleasant to all staff, especially after the x-ray as I was happy that nothing was broken. I am aware this pleasantness and cheery attitude may have been interpreted to mean I was not in pain – when in fact I would have rated my pain on this visit at a 7/10.

The student nurse who saw me very quickly advised as it was a soft tissue injury there was likely nothing more that they could do as the preferred method is not to strap up such injuries. This was absolutely fine with me, as was the quite long subsequent wait as she went to seek advice from a nurse. The wait was also fine, as I was by no means a priority case and fully understood others needed staff attention.

A blue uniformed nurse then returned to me pushing a trolley load of attitude before her, making her impatience with me extremely clear as she asked me – yes ME – why I was there. Somewhat confused by this, I told her the GP had told me I should go to MIU after my x-ray. She snapped on about x-ray being the ones who would refer me to MIU – which may well be the case, but I don’t see how I’d become the naughty schoolboy?

After answering “I don’t know?” when she asked what they were supposed to do, she then dug her thumbs into what I believe is known as the ‘snuff box’ area of my wrist.

I’m not sure how she then managed not to notice my hissed intake of breath through bared teeth, but declared instantly that I wasn’t in any pain (Really?? I’d have rated that a good strong 9, thank you very much!!!) before stroppily lecturing me that I would need a serious bone deficiency to have any chance of a scaphoid injury in that type of incident.

If I wasn’t so shocked by this whole damning onslaught, I would have corrected her that it is, in fact, one of the most common injuries of open wheel racing drivers in exactly this type of incident, but still trying to hold onto my relief I thanked her (not even sarcastically, because I’m apparently too polite a person for such hateful interactions!), and left.

Having been very worried when my GP advised scaphoid injuries could cause major complications such as necrosis, I realised I should have been more willing to seek medical advice sooner – but after meeting Blue Nurse from MIU, I’m back to thinking I’d be better off with a staple gun, duct tape, and staying away from corrosive moody people to solve my medical needs.

I am actually sorry for wasting your time, as if I’d known there was no after care I’d have just gone back to work sooner. But I don’t know that – and I feel that it’s the job of Blue Nurse and her ilk to advise me. Nicely.

https://i1.wp.com/cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/48d6e6bbd255d2efd7a8dff6e536dcec69.png

Nasty Evil Ninja – Customer Service Master

Nasty Evil Ninja – Customer Service Master

Ahh, with my email address, it’s not too often that I get genuine mistaken emails sent to me! Viagra and viruses, yes – but it’s very rare that anyone will type in ‘yousicklittlemonkey’ instead of ‘BobHodges@hotmail.com‘ or whatever.

But Kate did. And here’s what happened:

> Subject:
> Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2008 12:03:56 +0100
> From: K.****@lboro.ac.uk
> To: yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress>
> Don
>
> I’m writing to send my apologies, I won’t be attending the AGM next week, I just wanted you to know that it’s not because I have no interest in the club, that’s not the case. In fact I’m not attending because I find the whole club very upsetting.
>
> As far as I can see there is very little point in appointing a committee when the club is, and if allowed to continue in its current state, run by one man. At the last AGM our captain stated that he wanted new blood into the committee, what he meant was that he wanted people who would agree with him to stand by him. I rather unfortunately had a slightly different opinion on the way OUR club should be run to our captain and it was made quite clear to me that any suggestions I made would get no further than dreaming chat in the committee meeting. Does the committee have any say on anything, from the key being taken away for the bar, quads being bought, to where the annual dinner is held?! (interesting that in Neil’s email about the annual dinner, he comments that the boat club is not the preferred venue of the whole club, they why has the committee allowed this to go ahead? again a case of agree with us, or stay out.)
>
> I would expect that during the captains round up at the AGM there will be a moment to thank Marcus and Boris for their hard work with the juniors last summer. Their dedication to the composite (welbeck/loughborough) 8+ was paramount in those kids winning their novice pots at Peterborough. They gave up a number of weekends to take the crews racing, some of the only racing seen by the whole club in the year. I think there are a number of people from the club regularly overlooked despite their best efforts to keep rowing alive. Has George been thanked for his endless work with the club?
>
> On the matter of rowing, or lack of, how does a rowing club survive without a coach? surely a club should revolve around a coach? Loughborough appear to have no direction in rowing and the ARA’S motto of “rowing for all” certainly does not apply at this club. Perhaps “rowing as long as your happy to go along with everything the captain says” should be the new motto for Loughborough. Loughborough as a club is letting down it’s juniors and novice rowers and quite possibly discouraging rowing in the borough of Charnwood.
>
> I’m sorry I won’t be attending but it seems a complete waste of my time and for that matter, everyone’s.
>
> I’d rather that this wasn’t read out to the committee, I’ve already been told my fortunes once by the captain and it’s certainly not an experience I’d like to go through again.
>
> I don’t know how the club should or will go forward but I hope that this years AGM marks the beginning of a new outlook for the club.
>
> Kate
>
> Kate ****
> Research Student
> IPTME
> Loughborough University
> Loughborough
> Leicestershire
> LE11 3TU
> UK
>
> Tel: (crikey, I could even phone her!)

—————————–

RE:
From: (yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress)
Sent:
11 April 2008 14:22:09
To:
Kate **** (k.****@lboro.ac.uk)

.. > Kate,

I fully understand and sympathise with your position, and apologise for my delay in replying!

A ‘committee’ run by one man is rarely a good idea, however in this case I think the ideal man for the job IS indeed appointed.

You seem to be missing the whole point about agreeing with us. You see, your negative attitude is no good to anyone, really. If we act upon the ‘disagreements’ of certain committee members all willy-nilly, where would that get us?

Neil had to see the back of my hand before he agreed with us. What better place for a dinner than the boat club itself? It promotes a sense of team spirit that we just wouldn’t get from McDonalds! I hope you don’t need the gentle persuasion of a big hoofing knuckley slap from my backhand to come around to this?

I like you, Kate – always have.

Marcus and Boris are indeed in line for recognition at the captains round up. Birdseye Fish Fingers may not seem at first glance to be more than an obligatory ‘thank you’, but let me assure you that we found the proper cod ones! We figured these will soon be surpassing gold in value, plus they’re much more useful than some poxy trophy or a Debenhams voucher. Not George, though. His eyes are too close together and the committee unanimously agreed that he looks a bit too much like that bed-ridden Grandmother from ‘Allo Allo’ for his own good. He will benefit from having to work harder in this coming year before his little piggy eyes see any breaded cod.

On the matter of the actual rowing, I will have to strongly disagree about our lack of direction.

You may have noticed that you are, in fact, sat backwards in the boat? So leave the direction to the damn cox and concentrating on putting your back into it, eh?

This point alone highlights your lack of understanding of committee matters, but then your ignorance really comes to the fore with your statement “rowing as long as your happy to go along with everything the captain says” should be the new motto for Loughborough” confirms that you shouldn’t really try thinking as much as you do. And your unwillingness to follow the directions of The Captain may be cause for revue of your position on the team. Or perhaps you fancy yourself as a bit of a Captain, eh? Little bit of Captain-material in you is there? Fancy wearing the special cap, do you?

No – I thought not, so shup.

I’m sorry that you’re sorry that you’re sorry about attending, because there’s too much sorrow in this world already – and just look what you’ve added to it? Sorrow.

Having already been told your fortunes once by The Captain, it leads me to believe that you are either a non-believer in our Captain’s talent, or are simply against all Gypsy types?

Remember Kate – there is no place for racists or bigots in rowing! I will not be reading this out to the committee – but that’s more to save our Captain’s feelings than to protect you from your inane rantings.

I hope this years AGM marks the beginning of a new outlook for the club. I also hope that in your absence, there will be some of those chicken tikka skewers left at the buffet, which I couldn’t help but notice disappear whenever your snatchy little mitts are around the place.

Have a nice night watching Dirty Dancing in your retro Jimbo And The Jet Set pyjama’s though, if you’re not coming.

Moody pie.

Regards,

Nasty Evil Ninja
MySpace Appointed Official AGM Loughborough Facist Committee Representative

***UPDATE***

Yay! She replied!!!

Subject: RE:
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 14:29:40 +0100
From: K.****@lboro.ac.uk
To: yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress

Excellent!!!

Don’t fancy standing as a captain for a rowing club do you? I think you’d be brilliant!!!

Sorry, got the .com’s and the .co.uk’s mixed up and you received my rantings instead of the poor soul they were aimed at!!

I will of course put your point of view forward!

The grumpy cow in Loughborough!

————-

RE:
From: Nasty Evil Ninja
Sent:
11 April 2008 15:47:36
To:
Kate **** (k.**@lboro.ac.uk)

> I’d love to be Captain of a rowing team! I know which way the boats have to go and everything!

And you mean your head of committee is a ‘yousicklittlemonkey’, or were you just typing out loud?

Be sure to put my points forward – although I bet that filthy old fortune teller of a Captain will already be expecting it!

Good luck!

Nasty Evil Ninja

Complaint Letter to Letting Agency

Complaint Letter to Letting Agency

We rent our property at an extortionate price from a letting agency.

It’s an old house, and the actual Landlord lives hundreds of miles away, and can only be contacted by the letting agency when it suits both of them.

The joys of this have involved the house being rewired after it was found all the downstairs electrics were wired directly into the shower system in the bathroom, numerous leaks, the garage door spring snapping (resulting in a very effective guillotine we had to get vehicles past for 4 weeks), and holes left in the walls from ‘repairs’ for a year or so etc etc etc.

Every few months, the Letting Agency (let’s call them ‘Simply Useless’, to protect the guilty) come to the house for an ‘inspection’.  We give them a long list of faults and repairs which they add to the previous list of faults and repairs we gave them, and then they do absolutely bugger-all about anything. 

On Monday evening we returned from work to find a letter from Simply Useless telling us that our gardens were overgrown, they have told the Landlord, and we must (as per our tenancy agreement) ‘maintain the gardens to a suitable standard’.  We must do this immediately, inform them, and they will report back to the Landlord.

This made us both Um Plenty Big Angry.  especially as due to heavy rain most days interspersed with sunshine, every garden in our street has gone through an amazing growth spurt.  The only people in the street who have managed to fit in garden work are those who are retired or unemployed – including us, who both work to pay the extortionate rent.

With this in mind, I started typing like I was playing Whack-A-Mole:

https://i2.wp.com/citizenthymes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Picture2.png

 

Ms Tell-Tale Twit (made-up name)

c/o Simply Useless

XXXXX

XXXXX

XXX XXX

 

08 July 2013

 

Your reference: xxx/xx

 

Dear Ms Tell-Tale Twit (made-up name),

Thank you for your recent letter of 05 July 2013.

In this letter, you advised that our garden was ‘very overgrown’ on a recent property visit.

I am pleased to inform you that, approximately 7 weeks after the garden was last tended to, the mass of moss, weeds and general plants sometimes described as ‘grass’ were mown and hedges trimmed to specification on Saturday 06 July 2013.  Sadly, as your letter is dated the day before, you did not have the opportunity to admire this transformation prior to sending your letter.

I apologise for this tardiness, but we cannot be held responsible for erratic weather conditions and life events preventing any garden work taking place.  There was a documentable growth spurt between my first cut of the year and your inspection, interspersed by periods of heavy rainfall meaning using electrical appliances was unsafe.

I trust that this resolves the matter.

I am, however, glad that the landlord responded to this contact with yourselves quickly, as we have jobs that Simply Useless are responsible for which date back almost 3 years.

On the first day we moved in, having been attracted by the large garage, we found the garage chock-full of useless junk from old bicycles to cupboards to a fine selection of spider-infested crockery.  After finally pleading with you to do something, all this ‘property’ was shoved up one side of the garage and into the shed.  We were told that “the Landlady was going to arrange for her friend to sort through this stuff”, lest she wanted to keep any before she would arrange to have this taken to the skip.  I’d like to state again that this was almost 3 years ago.  We are still storing all of this junk.  THREE YEARS later.  No ‘friend’ has shown up.

About a year ago (that’s 365 days, I haven’t mistyped this), following several leaks that took Simply Useless weeks to sort out, it was found that the bathroom floorboards were rotten and needed replacing.  It was agreed that this would be replaced and, indeed, a whole new bathroom suite was also agreed to be fitted.  A contractor came to have a look and take measurements, and I believe he submitted his quotation for the work to Simply Useless during the last Winter.  Admittedly, this is not 1 year or 3 years overdue as per the last two requests that you have failed to act upon, but considering you are writing letters and speaking to Landlords about jobs that are a couple of weeks overdue, I feel it only fair that I point out the time scale involved.

Then there is the leaking tap, that is so old I’m considering registering it as a natural spring, and going into competition with nearby Malvern who also have a similarly leaking tap in their high street (I do not know who the Letting Agent is responsible for the Malvern leak).  Similarly, a quote for a replacement of this kitchen tap was submitted by a contractor to Simply Useless months ago.  That’s months – not an exaggeration.

Recently, after only a few weeks worth of emails to Simply Useless, you did gratefully send out a contractor to ‘fix’ the collapsed drain cover at the rear of the property.  They took off the rotten and collapsed drain cover and laid this on the ground next to the now open drain.  I was under the assumption that this was temporary, but a month or so later it is still lay next to an open drain.  Could you clarify if you will be supplying a replacement drain cover, or taking the old one away at all?

Please note that due to this open drain, the grass cuttings from my recent garden tending will undoubtedly block the drain up.

As part of our tenancy agreement, you are required to address these matters, and have so far failed to do so.

Please also note that due to the unique way Simply Useless appear to be incapable of much in the way of customer service to their paying customers, there are many smaller jobs that we have raised at your ‘property visits’ which are still outstanding.  There are no doubt others that I have forgotten about in despair.

We are also still awaiting a supposed cheque payment from the Landlord for the shower which we paid for out of our own personal money, because Simply Useless did not bother to fix or even acknowledge this issue for a month or two, despite multiple complaints in writing from us, as the paying tenants.  We have been awaiting this cheque now for over two months.  If this is not forthcoming we shall assume our previous agreement is acceptable and deduct the amount from this months rent.  Please advise if this is acceptable to you.

I would suggest that you raise these concerns with the Landlord, and perhaps list every item from previous property inspections and supply us with a copy of this list, along with their current status and what you have done to ensure the work is being progressed.

I would also ask that you supply us with details of how to raise any concerns with your regulatory body or ombudsman.  I would further like to note when we enquired about your complaints procedure previously, we were told “there isn’t one”, but have now noticed in the footer of your letter that you do appear to be regulated for your business.

In light of this, I would also request that you reply to this in writing for our records.

I look forward greatly to your next property inspection, and trust you will have completed all outstanding work before your next visit, so we can be sure everyone is fulfilling their parts of the agreement.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Nasty Evil Ninja & Partner

(sent by email and post)

 https://i1.wp.com/25.media.tumblr.com/7716ef547264521e476a067b1c8d2717/tumblr_mmcjvpOiMM1s85x8bo1_500.gif

Complaint To Aldi: BBQ Chicken Pizza

Complaint To Aldi: BBQ Chicken Pizza

In these modern times of technology, even the multi-national store chains have had to embrace social media and networking sites.

It must be hard for them to manage, because inevitably, members of the public will log on to Facebook, go to their main page, and make a complaint about their product or service for all to see.

Being no stranger to having to write letters of complaint myself, I decided to give this process a go myself, and see what happened…

Aldi Pizza Complaint

Here is the wording, if you can’t read the picture:

Dear Aldi,
Please see the picture below of your BBQ Chicken pizza.

As the box claims, this has “20% more topping than the leading brand”.

Now count the five (honestly, some are hard to see, but there are FIVE) tiny chunks of chicken that can be found on the pizza.  Granted, the green pepper content is pretty good – but I didn’t buy a ‘green pepper BBQ pizza’.

Please could you identify what the ‘leading brand’ is, so that I can avoid the heart-wrenching despair of opening a pizza to only discover FOUR tiny pieces of chicken, and realise that if I cut my pizza into 8 slices, half of the ‘BBQ chicken’ pizza won’t, in fact, have any chicken content at all?

To help you in these troubling times, I would be more than willing to have the chicken content of all ‘chicken’ pizzas topped up (no pun intended) with horsemeat.

Yours sincerely,

James

And the picture, taken on my mobile only moments before:

Aldi Pizza

But wait!  15 minutes later, things got worse for this poor little NastyEvilNinja:

Dear Aldi,
In a sickening twist, and due to me cooking the pizza directly on the oven shelf, I have to inform you that one of the pieces of chicken close to the edge has fallen off as the pizza sagged during cooking.
I would have recovered this from the gunk at the bottom of the oven, but alas, it was too far gone…
At least it’s still equal to this ‘leading brand’, though…

Well, it’s Friday night, and they’re not going to beat Morrison’s emailed lettuce complaint response time – but let’s see what they can do…

Nasty Evil Ninja – Customer Service Master

Nasty Evil Ninja – Customer Service Master

Ahh, with my email address, it’s not too often that I get genuine mistaken emails sent to me! Viagra and viruses, yes – but it’s very rare that anyone will type in ‘yousicklittlemonkey’ instead of ‘BobHodges@hotmail.com‘ or whatever.

But Kate did. And here’s what happened:

> Subject:
> Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2008 12:03:56 +0100
> From: K.****@lboro.ac.uk
> To: yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress>
> Don
>
> I’m writing to send my apologies, I won’t be attending the AGM next week, I just wanted you to know that it’s not because I have no interest in the club, that’s not the case. In fact I’m not attending because I find the whole club very upsetting.
>
> As far as I can see there is very little point in appointing a committee when the club is, and if allowed to continue in its current state, run by one man. At the last AGM our captain stated that he wanted new blood into the committee, what he meant was that he wanted people who would agree with him to stand by him. I rather unfortunately had a slightly different opinion on the way OUR club should be run to our captain and it was made quite clear to me that any suggestions I made would get no further than dreaming chat in the committee meeting. Does the committee have any say on anything, from the key being taken away for the bar, quads being bought, to where the annual dinner is held?! (interesting that in Neil’s email about the annual dinner, he comments that the boat club is not the preferred venue of the whole club, they why has the committee allowed this to go ahead? again a case of agree with us, or stay out.)
>
> I would expect that during the captains round up at the AGM there will be a moment to thank Marcus and Boris for their hard work with the juniors last summer. Their dedication to the composite (welbeck/loughborough) 8+ was paramount in those kids winning their novice pots at Peterborough. They gave up a number of weekends to take the crews racing, some of the only racing seen by the whole club in the year. I think there are a number of people from the club regularly overlooked despite their best efforts to keep rowing alive. Has George been thanked for his endless work with the club?
>
> On the matter of rowing, or lack of, how does a rowing club survive without a coach? surely a club should revolve around a coach? Loughborough appear to have no direction in rowing and the ARA’S motto of “rowing for all” certainly does not apply at this club. Perhaps “rowing as long as your happy to go along with everything the captain says” should be the new motto for Loughborough. Loughborough as a club is letting down it’s juniors and novice rowers and quite possibly discouraging rowing in the borough of Charnwood.
>
> I’m sorry I won’t be attending but it seems a complete waste of my time and for that matter, everyone’s.
>
> I’d rather that this wasn’t read out to the committee, I’ve already been told my fortunes once by the captain and it’s certainly not an experience I’d like to go through again.
>
> I don’t know how the club should or will go forward but I hope that this years AGM marks the beginning of a new outlook for the club.
>
> Kate
>
> Kate ****
> Research Student
> IPTME
> Loughborough University
> Loughborough
> Leicestershire
> LE11 3TU
> UK
>
> Tel: (crikey, I could even phone her!)

—————————–

RE:
From: (yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress)
Sent:
11 April 2008 14:22:09
To:
Kate **** (k.****@lboro.ac.uk)

.. > Kate,

I fully understand and sympathise with your position, and apologise for my delay in replying!

A ‘committee’ run by one man is rarely a good idea, however in this case I think the ideal man for the job IS indeed appointed.

You seem to be missing the whole point about agreeing with us. You see, your negative attitude is no good to anyone, really. If we act upon the ‘disagreements’ of certain committee members all willy-nilly, where would that get us?

Neil had to see the back of my hand before he agreed with us. What better place for a dinner than the boat club itself? It promotes a sense of team spirit that we just wouldn’t get from McDonalds! I hope you don’t need the gentle persuasion of a big hoofing knuckley slap from my backhand to come around to this?

I like you, Kate – always have.

Marcus and Boris are indeed in line for recognition at the captains round up. Birdseye Fish Fingers may not seem at first glance to be more than an obligatory ‘thank you’, but let me assure you that we found the proper cod ones! We figured these will soon be surpassing gold in value, plus they’re much more useful than some poxy trophy or a Debenhams voucher. Not George, though. His eyes are too close together and the committee unanimously agreed that he looks a bit too much like that bed-ridden Grandmother from ‘Allo Allo’ for his own good. He will benefit from having to work harder in this coming year before his little piggy eyes see any breaded cod.

On the matter of the actual rowing, I will have to strongly disagree about our lack of direction.

You may have noticed that you are, in fact, sat backwards in the boat? So leave the direction to the damn cox and concentrating on putting your back into it, eh?

This point alone highlights your lack of understanding of committee matters, but then your ignorance really comes to the fore with your statement “rowing as long as your happy to go along with everything the captain says” should be the new motto for Loughborough” confirms that you shouldn’t really try thinking as much as you do. And your unwillingness to follow the directions of The Captain may be cause for revue of your position on the team. Or perhaps you fancy yourself as a bit of a Captain, eh? Little bit of Captain-material in you is there? Fancy wearing the special cap, do you?

No – I thought not, so shup.

I’m sorry that you’re sorry that you’re sorry about attending, because there’s too much sorrow in this world already – and just look what you’ve added to it? Sorrow.

Having already been told your fortunes once by The Captain, it leads me to believe that you are either a non-believer in our Captain’s talent, or are simply against all Gypsy types?

Remember Kate – there is no place for racists or bigots in rowing! I will not be reading this out to the committee – but that’s more to save our Captain’s feelings than to protect you from your inane rantings.

I hope this years AGM marks the beginning of a new outlook for the club. I also hope that in your absence, there will be some of those chicken tikka skewers left at the buffet, which I couldn’t help but notice disappear whenever your snatchy little mitts are around the place.

Have a nice night watching Dirty Dancing in your retro Jimbo And The Jet Set pyjama’s though, if you’re not coming.

Moody pie.

Regards,

Nasty Evil Ninja
MySpace Appointed Official AGM Loughborough Facist Committee Representative

***UPDATE***

Yay! She replied!!!

Subject: RE:
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 14:29:40 +0100
From: K.****@lboro.ac.uk
To: yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress

Excellent!!!

Don’t fancy standing as a captain for a rowing club do you? I think you’d be brilliant!!!

Sorry, got the .com’s and the .co.uk’s mixed up and you received my rantings instead of the poor soul they were aimed at!!

I will of course put your point of view forward!

The grumpy cow in Loughborough!

————-

RE:
From: Nasty Evil Ninja
Sent:
11 April 2008 15:47:36
To:
Kate **** (k.**@lboro.ac.uk)

> I’d love to be Captain of a rowing team! I know which way the boats have to go and everything!

And you mean your head of committee is a ‘yousicklittlemonkey’, or were you just typing out loud?

Be sure to put my points forward – although I bet that filthy old fortune teller of a Captain will already be expecting it!

Good luck!

Nasty Evil Ninja

Complaint About Morrisons Lettuce

Complaint About Morrisons Lettuce

Dear Morrisons Customer Services

I should have written this months ago, when things started to get really bad, but after walking into your Bromsgrove store once again tonight on my weekly shop, I realised my comment of “Let’s get some mouldy lettuce!” should probably account for something.

Wheeling my trolley into the ‘green’ section, as per usual I looked down to find your finest array of iceburg lettuces.

Now, the picture may not do them justice, so to help you out in understanding my recurring dismay, please picture in your mind a herd of young snotty kids on a big grass field. This field, due to our recent weather, is very muddy. The kids are the rough sorts you know are never going to become Doctors or have a proper bath. It’s not that they can’t afford a football, but your finest organic iceburg lettuce is an absolute bargain at £1.30, so they’ve decided to use this as a football. They play for hours every day, the beautiful green lettuce bouncing around bringing tears of joy to their filthy little pre-borstal faces.

After around 6 months of this, they then return the finest organic Iceburg lettuce to your bromsgrove store, where it retains it’s £1.30 price tag.

And that’s where I find it. Every. Single. Week.

I’ve gone shopping on different days, just on the off-chance that you actually get all your fresh lettuces in the day after my normal shopping day, but they all still look like some tramp has rummaged through the bins to get them.

This one I bought tonight (seriously – this is the best one that I had to purchase), in case you are colour blind, is still partly green. Normally, I’d expect this would be the kind of ‘fresh’ produce a supermarket would throw in the bin, but not Morrisons Bromsgrove!

Oh, no!  This is still good!  To be fair even the usual ones with a few days left on them are as bad (this was taken on Monday 16th):

Good for what, I’m not entirely sure? Goal keeping practice for stigs?

Fermentation?

Penicillin?

Sure, I understand that the organic hippies are against anything that might preserve foods, but does this really mean that we can’t even BUY a damned lettuce that isn’t speckled with death from the start?

I’m pretty sure that even before supermarket chains had huge express distribution networks I used to be able to buy lettuce that was green at the start and might even last a whole week in the fridge?

And you charge us £1.30 for this mouldy bin-fodder?! OK, so not this time, as in your usual efforts to shift decaying food, you’ve dropped the price a whopping 30p!

Could you please explain to me why we should find this acceptable, and also why things have been this way and getting worse for at least the past 6 months?

Do you find all your lettuces in the local graveyard, amongst the old flowers next to the water tap?

If not, you may want to get your people to have a rummage through there, because I’ve seen much fresher produce composting away there!

I shall pack as much lettuce into a sandwich as I possibly can, after having binned 90% of your ‘fresh’ one to find some green – that way I might get that sweet lettucey taste just briefly before I have to throw it all away.

Please do something. This is about the only allegedly green thing I eat in my diet.

Yours faithfully,

Nasty Evil Ninja, aged 35 1/4

***UPDATE***

Well, not expecting any reply at all, 13 minutes flat from emailing the random CEO I found a contact for, he’s replied!  THIRTEEN bloody minutes!  So it looks like I’ll be getting my £1 refunded and some investivation done!