Complaint to Shell fuels

Complaint to Shell fuels

Dear Shell,

Your attendant refused to switch the pump on for me last night at your Northfield, Birmingham forecourt.

I ride a motorcycle, and have spent 17 years filling up whilst sat on the bike, so that I can safely see what I’m doing and fill the tank to the maximum safe level.

The attendant said that she was new, and had been told not to allow bikers to fill unless they dismount. I got back on my bike and rode off to fill up at the next available forecourt, with no issues.

I stayed calm and polite, despite the humiliation of having your staff member gesturing wildly at me (I thought she might be signalling “Intentional Grounding” but then realised she wasn’t an American Football referee) for a while, before I had to walk into the shop to enquire what the issue was.

I can only think of two possible reasons why I may have been refused:

  • Theft. Shell assumes all bikers are thieves who will run off with the small amount of petrol a bike can hold. Apparently the 2 seconds it takes to get back on a bike makes a major difference to this?
  • Safety. After 17 years of filling up without turning into a fireball, admittedly this COULD be the one time I set myself on fire somehow. Again, I’m not sure what major difference there is when it takes me less than 1 second (note this is quicker than getting on the bike) to dismount whilst my leathers and helmet are engulfed in a chemical blaze. Please also note that the ‘safety’ option makes even less sense when you consider that after I’ve filled my tank to the brim, I will then be climbing on top of it, resting my torso on the tank, and starting the engine in a series of controlled explosions to power me away from the Shell forecourt.

Could you explain why this is, if this is even policy?

Also, what can you do to compensate me so that I feel welcome using your fuels (and I will always pick Shell over the competition) in the future?

Yours faithfully,

Nasty Evil Ninja

Nasty Evil Ninja’s General Election Special

Nasty Evil Ninja’s General Election Special

“If you don’t vote, you can’t complain about who gets in!”

Is that right?

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For all those who say it’s so terrible to not use your vote, I’ll answer it by saying surely, it’s much worse to vote for something that you don’t want?

How about I offer you a stab in the eyeball with a rusty icepick, or I’ll set your head on fire with some petrol?  Which one would you choose?

Or you could choose none, but if you get stabbed in the eyeball or an immolated head within the next few years, you can’t complain.

Do you see how you can make two shitty choices that allow a pack of cunts to get richer and screw you over, or you can make no choice, and still get screwed over by whoever? Because they’re all the same animal.

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What I want is a box I can tick to say “I want to scrap every single current politician, then pay every politician minimum wage”?

Then we’ll see who’s in it for themselves or who really wants to help us.

Their selling points are just absurd. One party wants to bring back fox hunting. How is that even a policy??? Anyone who gives the slightest fuck about fox hunting over giving lower classes more money shouldn’t be allowed to vote in the first place!

Then there’s the spiteful stuff like the Green Party. They want to save the world, and stop everyone driving cars.  Except they know that’s never going to happen, so instead, they’re going to BAN all motorcycles over 125cc, ban every motorcycle from using congestion-relieving bus lanes, and generally just be anti-biker for what? To get the hippie vote?

Or the Lib Dems, who have never once carried through one of their key policies, and normally do a total u-turn on them!

“Yeah, vote us in and we’ll cut tax on the minimum wage. Actually, thanks, but we’re going to raise it instead.”

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Conservative are a great choice if you’re rich, or a fucking politician.  A bit shit if you’re an average working Joe, because they’re going to fuck you.

Labour I don’t really know anything about.  I think they just want to get in so they can spend £750,000 of your tax money per year on Champagne for lunches in Parliament. And fuck you.

UKIP are just mental, and their policies are around not being black, or something.  Yeah – crack down on immigrants doing below-minimum wage jobs to save us all – not cutting the bullshit hundreds of thousand pound wages paid to cunt-faced lying twat politicians!  Good plan for the people!  Oh, wait…

And why do people go and ‘spoil’ their vote?  So you’ve drawn a cock and balls (possibly spunking, and with a few pubic hairs) over your ballot paper.  Well done. Now it doesn’t get counted.  Umm… exactly the same as if you hadn’t bothered going to the polling station in the first place?

I figure whoever gets in will cost me, ooh, £10,000 in ‘getting fucked over’ tax over the next 4 years.  How about you just pay me that sum, and I’ll vote for you? It’s bound to be less than the bungs you give to contractors and banks and fucking duck palaces on a daily basis.

Vote Guy Fawkes!  He had the best political ideals of any of you fucks.

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