Complaint to Shell fuels

Complaint to Shell fuels

Dear Shell,

Your attendant refused to switch the pump on for me last night at your Northfield, Birmingham forecourt.

I ride a motorcycle, and have spent 17 years filling up whilst sat on the bike, so that I can safely see what I’m doing and fill the tank to the maximum safe level.

The attendant said that she was new, and had been told not to allow bikers to fill unless they dismount. I got back on my bike and rode off to fill up at the next available forecourt, with no issues.

I stayed calm and polite, despite the humiliation of having your staff member gesturing wildly at me (I thought she might be signalling “Intentional Grounding” but then realised she wasn’t an American Football referee) for a while, before I had to walk into the shop to enquire what the issue was.

I can only think of two possible reasons why I may have been refused:

  • Theft. Shell assumes all bikers are thieves who will run off with the small amount of petrol a bike can hold. Apparently the 2 seconds it takes to get back on a bike makes a major difference to this?
  • Safety. After 17 years of filling up without turning into a fireball, admittedly this COULD be the one time I set myself on fire somehow. Again, I’m not sure what major difference there is when it takes me less than 1 second (note this is quicker than getting on the bike) to dismount whilst my leathers and helmet are engulfed in a chemical blaze. Please also note that the ‘safety’ option makes even less sense when you consider that after I’ve filled my tank to the brim, I will then be climbing on top of it, resting my torso on the tank, and starting the engine in a series of controlled explosions to power me away from the Shell forecourt.

Could you explain why this is, if this is even policy?

Also, what can you do to compensate me so that I feel welcome using your fuels (and I will always pick Shell over the competition) in the future?

Yours faithfully,

Nasty Evil Ninja


A Blog About Taking Pics For Cancer. For Cancer.

A Blog About Taking Pics For Cancer. For Cancer.

First there were hundreds of selfie pics appearing all over social networks.  Not the usual selfie featuring a toilet in the background – these were pics of women without any makeup on.

Interesting.  You don’t see it from most people very often.  Oh, and the ’cause’ is For Cancer.

That’s got to be good, right?

Then there was the inevitable male repost of them taking pics of themselves WITH makeup on.  For Cancer.

Fair enough.

Suddenly, in the true spirit of social media, people started posting pics of themselves naked, with a sock over their genitalia.  Cocks In Socks.  For Cancer.

Righty-ho, thinks I, still saying nothing, as it’s For Cancer.

This morning, I logged in to see a picture of a topless woman, with her ample breasts each tucked into a woolly glove to hide their modesty.  Tits in Mitts.  For Cancer.


Cancer awareness is a great cause.  I AM aware of cancer.   I don’t need to be reminded I could die of it by 50,000 posts on Facebook and Twitter!

“Ooh, look how fun and wacky we’ve made cancer!”

No.  What you’ve done is spread the kind of fear that most of you sheep subconsciously thrive upon.  Now all we’re seeing is “Yay, Cancer!!!” every time we log in.

Now here’s me making myself a cup of tea.  For Cancer.

He’s my cute little dog.  For Cancer.

You should all share this picture of a dwarf fisting a traffic warden!  For Cancer.

Yes, we could all get cancer.  I bet hardly any of you posting these self-indulgent pics are giving every spare penny you have to cancer charities, are you?

Now fuck off.  For Cancer.

“BRB carrying teh Olympic Torch lol!”

“BRB carrying teh Olympic Torch lol!”

If any of you reading this are homeless tramps sozzled on 90% Puncheon Rum, you may not be aware that Great Britain is hosting the Olympic Games this year.

As part of the tradition, thousands of runners are nominated to carry the Olympic Torch through the streets, for The People.

This is great.  It gets everyone in the spirit, and gives them the chance, if they’re lucky enough, to have that once in a lifetime opportunity to carry the Torch themselves.

How awesome!  Actually carrying the symbol of ancient tradition proudly and honourably!

It truly is a remarkable privilege to be the bearer of the Olympic Torch.

And so these cock-nosed fucking retards get out their trusty mobile phones and update their Facebook status.

“Posting this whilst carrying the torch lol!”


How selfish?  How abso-fucking-lutely outrageous that your self-obsessed ass thinks they can ignore everyone around you, who’ve been waiting for hours out on the streets, to get to see you jogging past with your fucking mobile phone out?


Anyone who gives a shit what you’re doing on Twitter should already be out there cheering you on – or, how about this for an idea… why not update your selfish little cunt of a status AFTER or even BEFORE you do your duty for The People?

It’s driving me mad to see it happening so much, and nobody else seems to find it in poor taste???

Next time one of the Torch bearers comes past you on their mobile phone I want you to punch that cunt in the face and take that torch off them!

Bonus points if you can set their stupid fucking phone on fire using the Torch and ram it down the front of their pants.