Nasty Evil Ninja – Customer Service Master

Ahh, with my email address, it’s not too often that I get genuine mistaken emails sent to me! Viagra and viruses, yes – but it’s very rare that anyone will type in ‘yousicklittlemonkey’ instead of ‘BobHodges@hotmail.com‘ or whatever.

But Kate did. And here’s what happened:

> Subject:
> Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2008 12:03:56 +0100
> From: K.****@lboro.ac.uk
> To: yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress>
> Don
>
> I’m writing to send my apologies, I won’t be attending the AGM next week, I just wanted you to know that it’s not because I have no interest in the club, that’s not the case. In fact I’m not attending because I find the whole club very upsetting.
>
> As far as I can see there is very little point in appointing a committee when the club is, and if allowed to continue in its current state, run by one man. At the last AGM our captain stated that he wanted new blood into the committee, what he meant was that he wanted people who would agree with him to stand by him. I rather unfortunately had a slightly different opinion on the way OUR club should be run to our captain and it was made quite clear to me that any suggestions I made would get no further than dreaming chat in the committee meeting. Does the committee have any say on anything, from the key being taken away for the bar, quads being bought, to where the annual dinner is held?! (interesting that in Neil’s email about the annual dinner, he comments that the boat club is not the preferred venue of the whole club, they why has the committee allowed this to go ahead? again a case of agree with us, or stay out.)
>
> I would expect that during the captains round up at the AGM there will be a moment to thank Marcus and Boris for their hard work with the juniors last summer. Their dedication to the composite (welbeck/loughborough) 8+ was paramount in those kids winning their novice pots at Peterborough. They gave up a number of weekends to take the crews racing, some of the only racing seen by the whole club in the year. I think there are a number of people from the club regularly overlooked despite their best efforts to keep rowing alive. Has George been thanked for his endless work with the club?
>
> On the matter of rowing, or lack of, how does a rowing club survive without a coach? surely a club should revolve around a coach? Loughborough appear to have no direction in rowing and the ARA’S motto of “rowing for all” certainly does not apply at this club. Perhaps “rowing as long as your happy to go along with everything the captain says” should be the new motto for Loughborough. Loughborough as a club is letting down it’s juniors and novice rowers and quite possibly discouraging rowing in the borough of Charnwood.
>
> I’m sorry I won’t be attending but it seems a complete waste of my time and for that matter, everyone’s.
>
> I’d rather that this wasn’t read out to the committee, I’ve already been told my fortunes once by the captain and it’s certainly not an experience I’d like to go through again.
>
> I don’t know how the club should or will go forward but I hope that this years AGM marks the beginning of a new outlook for the club.
>
> Kate
>
> Kate ****
> Research Student
> IPTME
> Loughborough University
> Loughborough
> Leicestershire
> LE11 3TU
> UK
>
> Tel: (crikey, I could even phone her!)

—————————–

RE:
From: (yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress)
Sent:
11 April 2008 14:22:09
To:
Kate **** (k.****@lboro.ac.uk)

.. > Kate,

I fully understand and sympathise with your position, and apologise for my delay in replying!

A ‘committee’ run by one man is rarely a good idea, however in this case I think the ideal man for the job IS indeed appointed.

You seem to be missing the whole point about agreeing with us. You see, your negative attitude is no good to anyone, really. If we act upon the ‘disagreements’ of certain committee members all willy-nilly, where would that get us?

Neil had to see the back of my hand before he agreed with us. What better place for a dinner than the boat club itself? It promotes a sense of team spirit that we just wouldn’t get from McDonalds! I hope you don’t need the gentle persuasion of a big hoofing knuckley slap from my backhand to come around to this?

I like you, Kate – always have.

Marcus and Boris are indeed in line for recognition at the captains round up. Birdseye Fish Fingers may not seem at first glance to be more than an obligatory ‘thank you’, but let me assure you that we found the proper cod ones! We figured these will soon be surpassing gold in value, plus they’re much more useful than some poxy trophy or a Debenhams voucher. Not George, though. His eyes are too close together and the committee unanimously agreed that he looks a bit too much like that bed-ridden Grandmother from ‘Allo Allo’ for his own good. He will benefit from having to work harder in this coming year before his little piggy eyes see any breaded cod.

On the matter of the actual rowing, I will have to strongly disagree about our lack of direction.

You may have noticed that you are, in fact, sat backwards in the boat? So leave the direction to the damn cox and concentrating on putting your back into it, eh?

This point alone highlights your lack of understanding of committee matters, but then your ignorance really comes to the fore with your statement “rowing as long as your happy to go along with everything the captain says” should be the new motto for Loughborough” confirms that you shouldn’t really try thinking as much as you do. And your unwillingness to follow the directions of The Captain may be cause for revue of your position on the team. Or perhaps you fancy yourself as a bit of a Captain, eh? Little bit of Captain-material in you is there? Fancy wearing the special cap, do you?

No – I thought not, so shup.

I’m sorry that you’re sorry that you’re sorry about attending, because there’s too much sorrow in this world already – and just look what you’ve added to it? Sorrow.

Having already been told your fortunes once by The Captain, it leads me to believe that you are either a non-believer in our Captain’s talent, or are simply against all Gypsy types?

Remember Kate – there is no place for racists or bigots in rowing! I will not be reading this out to the committee – but that’s more to save our Captain’s feelings than to protect you from your inane rantings.

I hope this years AGM marks the beginning of a new outlook for the club. I also hope that in your absence, there will be some of those chicken tikka skewers left at the buffet, which I couldn’t help but notice disappear whenever your snatchy little mitts are around the place.

Have a nice night watching Dirty Dancing in your retro Jimbo And The Jet Set pyjama’s though, if you’re not coming.

Moody pie.

Regards,

Nasty Evil Ninja
MySpace Appointed Official AGM Loughborough Facist Committee Representative

***UPDATE***

Yay! She replied!!!

Subject: RE:
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 14:29:40 +0100
From: K.****@lboro.ac.uk
To: yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress

Excellent!!!

Don’t fancy standing as a captain for a rowing club do you? I think you’d be brilliant!!!

Sorry, got the .com’s and the .co.uk’s mixed up and you received my rantings instead of the poor soul they were aimed at!!

I will of course put your point of view forward!

The grumpy cow in Loughborough!

————-

RE:
From: Nasty Evil Ninja
Sent:
11 April 2008 15:47:36
To:
Kate **** (k.**@lboro.ac.uk)

> I’d love to be Captain of a rowing team! I know which way the boats have to go and everything!

And you mean your head of committee is a ‘yousicklittlemonkey’, or were you just typing out loud?

Be sure to put my points forward – although I bet that filthy old fortune teller of a Captain will already be expecting it!

Good luck!

Nasty Evil Ninja

Complaint To Aldi: BBQ Chicken Pizza

In these modern times of technology, even the multi-national store chains have had to embrace social media and networking sites.

It must be hard for them to manage, because inevitably, members of the public will log on to Facebook, go to their main page, and make a complaint about their product or service for all to see.

Being no stranger to having to write letters of complaint myself, I decided to give this process a go myself, and see what happened…

Aldi Pizza Complaint

Here is the wording, if you can’t read the picture:

Dear Aldi,
Please see the picture below of your BBQ Chicken pizza.

As the box claims, this has “20% more topping than the leading brand”.

Now count the five (honestly, some are hard to see, but there are FIVE) tiny chunks of chicken that can be found on the pizza.  Granted, the green pepper content is pretty good – but I didn’t buy a ‘green pepper BBQ pizza’.

Please could you identify what the ‘leading brand’ is, so that I can avoid the heart-wrenching despair of opening a pizza to only discover FOUR tiny pieces of chicken, and realise that if I cut my pizza into 8 slices, half of the ‘BBQ chicken’ pizza won’t, in fact, have any chicken content at all?

To help you in these troubling times, I would be more than willing to have the chicken content of all ‘chicken’ pizzas topped up (no pun intended) with horsemeat.

Yours sincerely,

James

And the picture, taken on my mobile only moments before:

Aldi Pizza

But wait!  15 minutes later, things got worse for this poor little NastyEvilNinja:

Dear Aldi,
In a sickening twist, and due to me cooking the pizza directly on the oven shelf, I have to inform you that one of the pieces of chicken close to the edge has fallen off as the pizza sagged during cooking.
I would have recovered this from the gunk at the bottom of the oven, but alas, it was too far gone…
At least it’s still equal to this ‘leading brand’, though…

Well, it’s Friday night, and they’re not going to beat Morrison’s emailed lettuce complaint response time – but let’s see what they can do…

Nasty Evil Ninja – Customer Service Master

Ahh, with my email address, it’s not too often that I get genuine mistaken emails sent to me! Viagra and viruses, yes – but it’s very rare that anyone will type in ‘yousicklittlemonkey’ instead of ‘BobHodges@hotmail.com‘ or whatever.

But Kate did. And here’s what happened:

> Subject:
> Date: Wed, 9 Apr 2008 12:03:56 +0100
> From: K.****@lboro.ac.uk
> To: yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress>
> Don
>
> I’m writing to send my apologies, I won’t be attending the AGM next week, I just wanted you to know that it’s not because I have no interest in the club, that’s not the case. In fact I’m not attending because I find the whole club very upsetting.
>
> As far as I can see there is very little point in appointing a committee when the club is, and if allowed to continue in its current state, run by one man. At the last AGM our captain stated that he wanted new blood into the committee, what he meant was that he wanted people who would agree with him to stand by him. I rather unfortunately had a slightly different opinion on the way OUR club should be run to our captain and it was made quite clear to me that any suggestions I made would get no further than dreaming chat in the committee meeting. Does the committee have any say on anything, from the key being taken away for the bar, quads being bought, to where the annual dinner is held?! (interesting that in Neil’s email about the annual dinner, he comments that the boat club is not the preferred venue of the whole club, they why has the committee allowed this to go ahead? again a case of agree with us, or stay out.)
>
> I would expect that during the captains round up at the AGM there will be a moment to thank Marcus and Boris for their hard work with the juniors last summer. Their dedication to the composite (welbeck/loughborough) 8+ was paramount in those kids winning their novice pots at Peterborough. They gave up a number of weekends to take the crews racing, some of the only racing seen by the whole club in the year. I think there are a number of people from the club regularly overlooked despite their best efforts to keep rowing alive. Has George been thanked for his endless work with the club?
>
> On the matter of rowing, or lack of, how does a rowing club survive without a coach? surely a club should revolve around a coach? Loughborough appear to have no direction in rowing and the ARA’S motto of “rowing for all” certainly does not apply at this club. Perhaps “rowing as long as your happy to go along with everything the captain says” should be the new motto for Loughborough. Loughborough as a club is letting down it’s juniors and novice rowers and quite possibly discouraging rowing in the borough of Charnwood.
>
> I’m sorry I won’t be attending but it seems a complete waste of my time and for that matter, everyone’s.
>
> I’d rather that this wasn’t read out to the committee, I’ve already been told my fortunes once by the captain and it’s certainly not an experience I’d like to go through again.
>
> I don’t know how the club should or will go forward but I hope that this years AGM marks the beginning of a new outlook for the club.
>
> Kate
>
> Kate ****
> Research Student
> IPTME
> Loughborough University
> Loughborough
> Leicestershire
> LE11 3TU
> UK
>
> Tel: (crikey, I could even phone her!)

—————————–

RE:
From: (yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress)
Sent:
11 April 2008 14:22:09
To:
Kate **** (k.****@lboro.ac.uk)

.. > Kate,

I fully understand and sympathise with your position, and apologise for my delay in replying!

A ‘committee’ run by one man is rarely a good idea, however in this case I think the ideal man for the job IS indeed appointed.

You seem to be missing the whole point about agreeing with us. You see, your negative attitude is no good to anyone, really. If we act upon the ‘disagreements’ of certain committee members all willy-nilly, where would that get us?

Neil had to see the back of my hand before he agreed with us. What better place for a dinner than the boat club itself? It promotes a sense of team spirit that we just wouldn’t get from McDonalds! I hope you don’t need the gentle persuasion of a big hoofing knuckley slap from my backhand to come around to this?

I like you, Kate – always have.

Marcus and Boris are indeed in line for recognition at the captains round up. Birdseye Fish Fingers may not seem at first glance to be more than an obligatory ‘thank you’, but let me assure you that we found the proper cod ones! We figured these will soon be surpassing gold in value, plus they’re much more useful than some poxy trophy or a Debenhams voucher. Not George, though. His eyes are too close together and the committee unanimously agreed that he looks a bit too much like that bed-ridden Grandmother from ‘Allo Allo’ for his own good. He will benefit from having to work harder in this coming year before his little piggy eyes see any breaded cod.

On the matter of the actual rowing, I will have to strongly disagree about our lack of direction.

You may have noticed that you are, in fact, sat backwards in the boat? So leave the direction to the damn cox and concentrating on putting your back into it, eh?

This point alone highlights your lack of understanding of committee matters, but then your ignorance really comes to the fore with your statement “rowing as long as your happy to go along with everything the captain says” should be the new motto for Loughborough” confirms that you shouldn’t really try thinking as much as you do. And your unwillingness to follow the directions of The Captain may be cause for revue of your position on the team. Or perhaps you fancy yourself as a bit of a Captain, eh? Little bit of Captain-material in you is there? Fancy wearing the special cap, do you?

No – I thought not, so shup.

I’m sorry that you’re sorry that you’re sorry about attending, because there’s too much sorrow in this world already – and just look what you’ve added to it? Sorrow.

Having already been told your fortunes once by The Captain, it leads me to believe that you are either a non-believer in our Captain’s talent, or are simply against all Gypsy types?

Remember Kate – there is no place for racists or bigots in rowing! I will not be reading this out to the committee – but that’s more to save our Captain’s feelings than to protect you from your inane rantings.

I hope this years AGM marks the beginning of a new outlook for the club. I also hope that in your absence, there will be some of those chicken tikka skewers left at the buffet, which I couldn’t help but notice disappear whenever your snatchy little mitts are around the place.

Have a nice night watching Dirty Dancing in your retro Jimbo And The Jet Set pyjama’s though, if you’re not coming.

Moody pie.

Regards,

Nasty Evil Ninja
MySpace Appointed Official AGM Loughborough Facist Committee Representative

***UPDATE***

Yay! She replied!!!

Subject: RE:
Date: Fri, 11 Apr 2008 14:29:40 +0100
From: K.****@lboro.ac.uk
To: yousicklittlemonkey@thisaddress

Excellent!!!

Don’t fancy standing as a captain for a rowing club do you? I think you’d be brilliant!!!

Sorry, got the .com’s and the .co.uk’s mixed up and you received my rantings instead of the poor soul they were aimed at!!

I will of course put your point of view forward!

The grumpy cow in Loughborough!

————-

RE:
From: Nasty Evil Ninja
Sent:
11 April 2008 15:47:36
To:
Kate **** (k.**@lboro.ac.uk)

> I’d love to be Captain of a rowing team! I know which way the boats have to go and everything!

And you mean your head of committee is a ‘yousicklittlemonkey’, or were you just typing out loud?

Be sure to put my points forward – although I bet that filthy old fortune teller of a Captain will already be expecting it!

Good luck!

Nasty Evil Ninja

Complaint Email To Next Directory: Is Mr Glover There?

To: complaints_department@next.co.uk
Subject: Is Mr Glover There?

Dear Complaints Department

Good evening!  I’d love to have this email disturb you in the privacy of your own home and private time, but I guess I will have to settle for using your formal complaints procedure for now.

First off, I’d like to congratulate your Next Directory team for their persistance.

Despite you telephoning my home EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY – including weekends – and me explaining to your call centre that Mr Glover does NOT own this telephone number and is unlikely to randomly move in with us in the forseable future, you STILL keep calling again!

“Can we speak to Mr Glover?”  Yes, you probably fucking well can, if you’d try calling his number for once!

I don’t know where your call centre is?  Possibly India, but more likely you’ve farmed it out to a pack of retarded mongs who can’t understand a very simple explaination that Mr ‘Fucking’ Glover does not live here, and the equally simple instruction to REMOVE US FROM YOUR DATABASE AND NEVER CALL AGAIN!

You’ll notice I’ve put the key points in capital letters.  I shall also highlight them in bold, and make the font a bit larger for you.

Even getting through to your supervisor or manager when called has no effect.  I think this may be because nobody working your telephones actually knows what a supervisor or manager is?

Whilst it was somewhat amusing watching my girlfriend on Thursday evening trying to spell out the word M-A-N-A-G-E-R to your latest phone spakka, she managed to cut us off before anything was transferred.

This evening (which is a Sunday), I manager to charm your latest operative and got through to Ismail – who is apparently the manager/supervisor/king there.  He’s told me that he’ll leave a message with your Credit Control Department to have our number removed.

So I shall be trying to speak to Ismail again when you useless cunts call us again tomorrow evening.

In this year-long horror story, we have tried several methods to get you to fuck off.  Seriously – listen back to the calls to this number and you’ll hear every tactic from blind swearing rage to pleading, to lies and awkwardness.  we’ve told you we’re on the Telephone Preference Service.  We’ve told you that we will be taking legal action under the Threat Harrassment Act.

You still call us.

I’ll be making sure this email gets exposure through my blogs, because I honestly am at my wits end with you twats.

When you do call back… well, let’s face it, there’s nothing else we can do to stop you, is there?  So we’re done being nice.

I shall sum this up for you just one more time, before we will proper fuck with the heads of your call centre staff, and might even speak to a solicitor or the Police:

There is NO ‘Mr Glover’ living at this address, or using this telephone number: **********.

We DO NOT live at the address of 33 wherever it is.  I should also point out that under the Data Protection laws your staff shouldn’t be giving out a home address to people who have told you hundreds of times that they are NOT the people on your account.

Finally, we do not hold a Next Directory account.  And because you are a load of spasticated cunts who have made my life a misery for the last year, you can be pretty sure that we never will be customers.

Was that too harsh?  How about you ban telephone number ********** from your systems, then?

And for fucks sake don’t give us a courtesy call to tell us you’re finally removing this number from your database, because I’m already exasperated to the point of near incandescence.

Seriously.

Just fuck off and don’t call us ever again.

OK?

Your sincerely

NOT Mr Fucking Glover – the owner of telephone number ***********