Complaint Email To Next Directory: Is Mr Glover There?

To: complaints_department@next.co.uk
Subject: Is Mr Glover There?

Dear Complaints Department

Good evening!  I’d love to have this email disturb you in the privacy of your own home and private time, but I guess I will have to settle for using your formal complaints procedure for now.

First off, I’d like to congratulate your Next Directory team for their persistance.

Despite you telephoning my home EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY – including weekends – and me explaining to your call centre that Mr Glover does NOT own this telephone number and is unlikely to randomly move in with us in the forseable future, you STILL keep calling again!

“Can we speak to Mr Glover?”  Yes, you probably fucking well can, if you’d try calling his number for once!

I don’t know where your call centre is?  Possibly India, but more likely you’ve farmed it out to a pack of retarded mongs who can’t understand a very simple explaination that Mr ‘Fucking’ Glover does not live here, and the equally simple instruction to REMOVE US FROM YOUR DATABASE AND NEVER CALL AGAIN!

You’ll notice I’ve put the key points in capital letters.  I shall also highlight them in bold, and make the font a bit larger for you.

Even getting through to your supervisor or manager when called has no effect.  I think this may be because nobody working your telephones actually knows what a supervisor or manager is?

Whilst it was somewhat amusing watching my girlfriend on Thursday evening trying to spell out the word M-A-N-A-G-E-R to your latest phone spakka, she managed to cut us off before anything was transferred.

This evening (which is a Sunday), I manager to charm your latest operative and got through to Ismail – who is apparently the manager/supervisor/king there.  He’s told me that he’ll leave a message with your Credit Control Department to have our number removed.

So I shall be trying to speak to Ismail again when you useless cunts call us again tomorrow evening.

In this year-long horror story, we have tried several methods to get you to fuck off.  Seriously – listen back to the calls to this number and you’ll hear every tactic from blind swearing rage to pleading, to lies and awkwardness.  we’ve told you we’re on the Telephone Preference Service.  We’ve told you that we will be taking legal action under the Threat Harrassment Act.

You still call us.

I’ll be making sure this email gets exposure through my blogs, because I honestly am at my wits end with you twats.

When you do call back… well, let’s face it, there’s nothing else we can do to stop you, is there?  So we’re done being nice.

I shall sum this up for you just one more time, before we will proper fuck with the heads of your call centre staff, and might even speak to a solicitor or the Police:

There is NO ‘Mr Glover’ living at this address, or using this telephone number: **********.

We DO NOT live at the address of 33 wherever it is.  I should also point out that under the Data Protection laws your staff shouldn’t be giving out a home address to people who have told you hundreds of times that they are NOT the people on your account.

Finally, we do not hold a Next Directory account.  And because you are a load of spasticated cunts who have made my life a misery for the last year, you can be pretty sure that we never will be customers.

Was that too harsh?  How about you ban telephone number ********** from your systems, then?

And for fucks sake don’t give us a courtesy call to tell us you’re finally removing this number from your database, because I’m already exasperated to the point of near incandescence.

Seriously.

Just fuck off and don’t call us ever again.

OK?

Your sincerely

NOT Mr Fucking Glover – the owner of telephone number ***********

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17 thoughts on “Complaint Email To Next Directory: Is Mr Glover There?

  1. Er, you left your number in at the end of the letter, unless that’s a made-up number.

    (You also accidentally said that you do have an account: ” we don’t not hold a Next Directory account” – although that’s obviously a typo 🙂 )

    Excellently written, though – I like it 🙂

  2. LOL I had that back out again sharpish – it should have gone before you submitted the comment!

    I actually corrected that other typo just before I sent it, because I read it as “we do hold” – doh! I’m sure they should still get the message, though!

  3. LOL…this is priceless. We have similar experience, but we just don’t bother answering our phone. We look at caller ID, which conveniently pops up on our TV screen and on every phone in every room of the house. No problem… Ringer is set low and for no more than 4 rings. I can ignore a phone ringing quietly only 4 times…. But, sometimes, if I’m feeling a bit mean, I pick up the phone and give them something to talk about over coffee…..

    I did something similar with email which notified me that I was an international contest winner….yeah…like that happened…LOL

    I love this blog!

    • Thanks! 😀

      It’s now 4 days on and still no call…

      Another of my tricks with telesales calls is to just tell them I’ll go and get my credit card – then put the phone down and carry on doing whatever (or nothing). Some of them stay on the line for aaaaaaaages – even when you’re sat there discussing how much of a prick they are with your partner! 😀

      • Hahahaha….that reminds me of what I did once about 25 years ago. I received a solicitation call. I was baking cookies. I told the woman that I needed to take my cookies out of the oven and could she wait. She said yes, so I set the phone down and continued making cookies. After a good little while, I went back to the phone, where the lady was still waiting…. LOL

  4. I love this!!!!!!!! Next are thick. I have been dealing with them for a few months because I’ve lost my 12 year old daughter and my marriage broke Down I owed them £83.00 yes that’s all I owed them and I sent a cheque because speaking to someone is just unbearable and they didn’t cash it I then sent them letter asking for their account details and nothing and they were insistent on telling me they wrote (they didn’t) now the argument have started because of this default they’re saying they can’t remove it and the bulldogs I’m dealing with looks like I’ve got a fight on my hands ( I’ve paid them now) but the principle is getting my back up now!!!!! Love this mr glover just shows me that it’s just not me!!!!! Thank you for sharing

    • They’re idiots. With the amount of money they must be making it’s quite amazing just how much they can cock up the simplest of things like this! I mean, they’re almost as bad as an energy company…. (don’t get me started on them!).
      Glad to hear they’ve almost sorted things out for you! I know you can have a note put on your credit rating next to things like default notices – it might be worth looking into that.

  5. came across this ‘complaint’ message my name being Glover. Read it thought it was hilarious and for one moment thought it might have been’ written’, by my son Matt glover but of course that’s the point. I can guess how frustrating it was but your choice of words made me laugh, just what this real Mr Glover would have written

  6. I tried to order flowers from next ,what a frustrating experience ! The order wouldn’t process because It rejected my surname ! So I thought I would phone my order through ,I was finding it very difficult to understand the person on the other end of the phone so I asked where I was phoning -the reply was India ! I then realised why I was having difficulty understanding as his English was very poor & as I was not willing to expose myself to any more frustration I said (Im sorry I just can’t understand you ) and put the phone down .I then ordered from another source .Then last night we had a phone call ,my husband answered it ,and a male voice (sounding very English )asked to speak to me ,so my husband asked what was it related to and and surprise ,surprise the voice said (I don’t understand you I don’t understand you )repeated 4 times !! Is this how next customer services works ?

  7. Love it , Love it,. Love it!! Don’t take this the wrong way but I’m so glad it’s not just me.
    I’m having SOOOOO much trouble with them at the moment double charging me to the sum of £232.98 despite numerous phone calls, emails and god knows what else. The first customer rep actually agreed there was a problem (he could see it for himself) and then he transferred me through to a department that wasn’t open! Since then every single one of the useless mongs has disagreed despite irrefutable proof that I have paid up front for all of my goods, I am getting no-where fast and with Currys/PCWorlds Knowhow fuckers sending me reminders for a credit agreement I don’t have with them at a rate of 2-3 a week, I am fast losing the will to live!
    I will definately ring them both back up again though and see how long I can keep them on hold for – seeing as I have spent a small fortune and a lot of time I don’t have on the blower with this most detestable of sub-species!!

    • That’s crazy! Try and get something in writing, because they have to deal with it, then. I’d like to think it will also be read by someone who can read and write English, but nothing would surprise me there… Good luck!

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