Complaint to Shell fuels

Complaint to Shell fuels

Dear Shell,

Your attendant refused to switch the pump on for me last night at your Northfield, Birmingham forecourt.

I ride a motorcycle, and have spent 17 years filling up whilst sat on the bike, so that I can safely see what I’m doing and fill the tank to the maximum safe level.

The attendant said that she was new, and had been told not to allow bikers to fill unless they dismount. I got back on my bike and rode off to fill up at the next available forecourt, with no issues.

I stayed calm and polite, despite the humiliation of having your staff member gesturing wildly at me (I thought she might be signalling “Intentional Grounding” but then realised she wasn’t an American Football referee) for a while, before I had to walk into the shop to enquire what the issue was.

I can only think of two possible reasons why I may have been refused:

  • Theft. Shell assumes all bikers are thieves who will run off with the small amount of petrol a bike can hold. Apparently the 2 seconds it takes to get back on a bike makes a major difference to this?
  • Safety. After 17 years of filling up without turning into a fireball, admittedly this COULD be the one time I set myself on fire somehow. Again, I’m not sure what major difference there is when it takes me less than 1 second (note this is quicker than getting on the bike) to dismount whilst my leathers and helmet are engulfed in a chemical blaze. Please also note that the ‘safety’ option makes even less sense when you consider that after I’ve filled my tank to the brim, I will then be climbing on top of it, resting my torso on the tank, and starting the engine in a series of controlled explosions to power me away from the Shell forecourt.

Could you explain why this is, if this is even policy?

Also, what can you do to compensate me so that I feel welcome using your fuels (and I will always pick Shell over the competition) in the future?

Yours faithfully,

Nasty Evil Ninja


Removing Your Helmet At A Petrol Station

Removing Your Helmet At A Petrol Station

This little explosive onion crops up every so often between bikers.

Occasionally, you’ll cruise up to a petrol pump, open your petrol tank, slip the tip of your nozzle in, and then…


You look over at the Till Monkey behind their bulletproof glass, and they’re desperately waving at you.

“What???” you mime at them, giving your best French shoulder shrug.

Then Till Monkey wraps his gimpy little gob around the microphone, and mumbles something over the loudspeaker about taking your helmet off.


Because, apparently, all bikers are thieves, who ride off without paying for their petrol.



First off, your average motorcycle petrol tank will hold less than 17 litres of petrol.

If you’re going to steal fuel, why the fuck would you do it on a bike, instead of a car with a 100 litre tank?

More to the point, what’s to stop a car driver wearing a peaked cap, balaclava, or a burka and making off without paying?  Absolutely nothing, that’s what – because whatever you’re wearing in a car, you won’t be asked to undress before they will serve you.

It should also be noted that you HAVE to wear a helmet by law to ride a bike.  It’s not an option.

I’m fine with this, because when that petrol splashed back into your eyes as you’re filling up, it’s quite a good safety function to have a visor to protect you.  In fact, if I take off my protective kit to fill up, and then suffer as a result where my helmet would have protected me, how much compensation do you think I’d get???

Added to this, there is then the question of what you actually do with your expensive and delicate helmet as you fill up?

So, you take your helmet off and then have the option to:

1. Balance your helmet on your seat.
2. Balance it on the handlebars.
3. Balance it on the same tank you’re pouring fucking petrol into!?!
4. Dump it on a fuel-saturated floor/top of pump etc.

I treat my helmet like a newborn baby. I wouldn’t leave a baby on the floor in a petrol station, nor balance it on anything it might fall off.

A newborn wouldn’t be much good for my noggin in an accident, but my helmet is made to do that specifically. I don’t want it weakened by contaminates. That might mean my life.

I don’t know about anybody else, but I don’t sit and trawl through shitty impossible-to-identify pictures of people who steal petrol? So who exactly is using this CCTV footage rather than recording your registration to trace offenders? And aren’t leathers/helmet/bike more identifiable than some blurry video still, anyway?

Not that it would make any difference, because, as demonstrated in the video posted below from the awesome Baron Von Grumble, most bikers at this time of year are wearing 15 layers covering their head beneath their helmet to try to keep warm.

So what are these ‘reasons’ for removing your helmet, again? Manners?

Bullshit, more like. And you can fuck off, if you want me to take my helmet off when I’m filling up. 


Take your helmet off!




Hitler Was A Terrible Timekeeper/Got Milk?

Hitler Was A Terrible Timekeeper/Got Milk?

Milky milky

I’m only human.

Sometimes I fuck up, and fly off the handle for no good reason. This is extremely rare for me, because I usually keep my mouth closed when I should be tearing people apart for what they’ve done/said to me.

A few years back, I did a stint as a Security ‘Officer’ – basically sat in a 6ft X 6ft hut trying my best to avoid doing any actual work for 12 hour shifts.

Most people’s perception of Security Officers is of some jumped-up little Hitler who wears a uniform and suddenly thinks they’re some kind of Chief Of Police/Detective/Special Forces Soldier.

And you’d be absolutely right to think that. Most have more chips on their shoulders than a Lumberjack in a work-related disaster.

For instance, one of the ‘Officers’ on alternating shifts with me: I’m not a big coffee drinker. When I did drink coffee at work, I’d almost always have it black, therefore, if I bought a carton of milk, 99% of it would be wasted before it went off. After I’d worked at this place for around 18 months, I decided I wanted a plastic cup of coffee with some milk in for a change. I used a tiny splash of milk from an open carton in the fridge – not even so much that the naked eye would tell it had gone down. I finished my shift, went home, then came back to do the next shift.

“You’ve had my milk, haven’t you?” Was my greeting from the guard on duty.


“Yes you have – I KNOW you have!”

“Yeah, ok. I had a tiny bit. How did you know?”

“I brought my scales in and weighed it!” He declared triumphantly.

Hitler xbox


What the fuck??? So either he weighed it ever day out of pure paranoia, or he just happened to bring in some scales (what the fuck is THAT about anyway???), and caught me the one time I did it!?

The other Guard there was even worse. He didn’t like me and was holding me back from promotions and ‘telling tales’. If I was ever 2 mins late he’d be 15 mins late next time I was taking over his shift. A proper Hitler, although he was kind-of my boss, so I never said anything.

One Sunday morning, I woke up late and rushed to work – riding in like a Nut-Nut and preparing myself for Cunto to have a go at me, because I was a whole FIVE MINUTES past the 7am start time!

Sure enough, as I opened the door he had that smug sarcastic look on his face, and theatrically looked from his watch to the clock on the wall a few times.

I went apeshit.

“It’s five fucking minutes! I got here as fast as I could and I’m rarely late, and lately you have been late EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and I’m getting just a bit pissed off with it….”

I trailed off because he was insistently pointing at the clock…

“WHAT?” I snarled.

“The clocks went back an hour last night – did you forget? You’re an hour early.” He said happily.


screw you


Give Policing To The Proleteriat

Give Policing To The Proleteriat

I came across this article the other day:

Local communities should be given more powers to “reclaim their streets” in the fight against anti-social behaviour, says Baroness Newlove.

The Baroness is the widow of Gary Newlove who was murdered by a gang outside his home in Warrington four years ago. She has spent six months looking at the problem in England and Wales, and has come up with a range of recommendations.

Her proposals include tax rebates for volunteers working to make their areas safer, and giving communities the power to set their own speed limits.

Right.  They’re cutting out Police forces to death, and this idiot is suggesting giving the power to the people?

Whilst I agree with the theory of it to some extent, the main people who will stand up and volunteer for this kind of stuff is NOT the type of person who should EVER be in any kind of position of power.

The bit about making your area safer I agree with.  Hell, I’m all for vigilantes taking out the real criminals!  Chop the hands of car and bike thieves and burglers!  It’s not opportunist crime and they cause a lot of suffering.  Except the law has already proven to be on their side, and if we even wave a knife at them they’ll screw US over in court for their suffering, so what the fk are we supposed to do ‘as a society’?

The Baroness completely lost me talking about communities setting their own speed limits.

If you want a perfect illustration of the term ‘Jobsworth’, simple take a look at anyone who’s a civilian and been given a day-glo vest and a speed camera.  They’ve got all the self-importance and ideas above their station of a security guard.  And they all think they’re top level Special Forces Police!

Now add in their need to be the best, and you just KNOW that the reports filed against motorists will be embellished or just plain made up because they don’t like that person or they want to have the best figures in their Neighbourhood Special Speed Polizei gang.

Most of the fair and decent people won’t be arsed to participate in this stuff because they already have a life!

Assuming they were all fair and proper, do we REALLY want everyone driving around everywhere with their eyes glued to their speedometer rather than the road, because every half a mile the speed limit changes to some random figure set by locals?

Think about it…