Store Loyalty Card Rant

Store Loyalty Card Rant

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Loyalty reward cards.

I have had a Nectar card for about 20 years, now.

I have used it every single time I’ve gone to Sainsburys, every time I’ve filled up with fuel, and even have it linked to Ebay now.

I also have petrol cards for Shell and Texaco, that I’ve always used – and bear in mind I did 2 years as a motorcycle courier.

I’ve had store cards from places that have since closed, or stopped their card schemes.

Almost every time I pay for anything in a shop, I’m also swiping some kind of card.

Do you know how much I’ve got back from it?

ABSOLUTELY FUCK ALL!

Yep – not a single penny back!

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So why the fuck am I still wasting my time scanning some stupid shitty card that’s ALWAYS in my wallet, along with 68 other pointless fucking store cards??

OK so the Nectar card isn’t totally worthless, and apparently I do have a bit of money to claim on there – if I ever get around to it.

Tesco Clubcard at least send you out vouchers you can use to get 50p off a meal deal every two and a half years, but that’s the only one even vaguely worth anything.

Morrisons ‘Match and More’ card must be one of the best, as that little fucker has cheek to dangle the carrot for you!

Sure, occasionally you’ll be given a voucher for £5 after paying for your 75th £90 shop there – but then check out the expiry date!

Yes – you’ve got 2 mins 47 secs to cash the cunt in!  And you KNOW you’re not doing another Big Shop for at least 3 weeks, because you’ve just stocked up on tinned All Day Breakfasts and Pot Noodles!

And that’s if you’re lucky!  Normally the useless shower of bastards will issue you with 14 different vouchers for 3p off some product you’ve never bought before in your life. Not that they matter either, as you’re now down to only 2 mins 44 secs before if fucking expires!

So unless you’re the type of stringy beard, glasses wearing, tweed coat wanker who’ll cut 645 2p off vouchers out of Womans Own magazine (in which case why bother with a shit store ‘loyalty’ card anyway?), and spend 4 fucking hours in the ’10 Items or Less’ line with 14 irritated cunts staring at the back of your head hoping you’ll die, there’s every chance you’re getting fuck-all from these cards, too!

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So, am I going to throw the little plastic twat away and save around 10 days of my life swiping the bastard?

No, of course not!

I’m going to carry on scanning every fucking card every fucking time I buy any fucking thing.

That’s the kind of loyal cunt I am.

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Things Pissing Me Off Lately

Things Pissing Me Off Lately

Lollypop Ladies

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Or Men – whatever. Modern times and all that.  These are the people in high viz from head-to-toe holding a big-ass lollipop, who step out into the road to allow all the little kiddy-winkles to cross in safety to get to and from school.

Except, these days, they only do this at pedestrian crossings!?

WTF?

So this fluorescent twat of a person, who is probably ‘a bit paedy’, basically presses the fucking button at the crossing that a kid with half a brain would press anyway, and then only steps into the road when the lights are safely green and all traffic has stopped.

And schools moan about budgets?  Get to fuck, you money-wasting twats!

And that’s not to get into the fact kids should be pressing teh crossing buttons for THEMSELVES to teach them to do it when Lollypop Mong isn’t there.

Restaurant staff

How about the rotten cunts at restaurants who come around, just as you’re enjoying a mouthful of the food you’re paying extortionate prices for, and ask if everything is ok?

FUCK OFF! Do you want me to choke to death or spit my bastard food out all over you as I answer?

Well, you’d better duck, mother-fucker!

The Royal Baby

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Everyone on facebook posts about it, moaning how it’s all over the news and they can’t avoid it and they don’t care etc.

The fucking irony is that I avoid the news (it makes me write ranty blogs), and Facebook is the only bastard place I have actually heard this news!

I don’t give a shit.  Wha-wha Royal Baby – I hope fucking Rumpelstiltskin gets it.  And you, for putting it on my Facebook feed.

And whilst we’re on about Facebook,

People who include a location for every -ing post on Facebook

I hope you get run over there. Then I’ll know where to come and laugh at you.

Otherwise I don’t give a kippers dick where you’re geeking about on your iPad 6 Thpethial Spak phone. Cunts.

Fancy cheese

Not the cheeses themselves, but the way you only get certain types in bloody useless wedge shapes.

WTF are you supposed to do with that? It’s 2012 – give me a -ing square block I can actually slice and put on my sammich!

And then there are the packet cheeses you see that are about 1/2″ thick and 6″ long. Who the FK eats that and HOW??

Secret Eaters

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These are the latest ‘Fix a Fatty’ TV programmes. Basically they follow a lummox around secretly for a week keeping track of what they eat, then ask them to tell the truth about why they’re fat.

They plead they’re big boned, and don’t actually eat very much apart from the odd salad, before it’s revealed they’re eating 16000 calories per day.

Bollocks have you ‘forgotten’ the 3 portions of chips you bought between lunch and tea. You’re a greedy fat cunt and it’s all your own fault.

Come Dine With Me

This is the show where people host dinner parties for each other to see who is the best.

Aside from Welsh people always cooking lava bread, and Scots always serving haggis, there is always some lying little toerag who claims this is the first time they’ve ever made their chosen dish.

Get to fuck, is it!

Nobody but a mong would go on a competition program and NOT cook their finest dish that they can do! You’re not fooling me, just like every single cunt on X-Factor who has a sob story. Coincidentally.

Supermarket staff asking if I need help to pack

Yes, I do! Now pack it all up for me, bitches! Shouldn’t have asked, should you? Cunts.

 

Complaint About Morrisons Lettuce

Complaint About Morrisons Lettuce

Dear Morrisons Customer Services

I should have written this months ago, when things started to get really bad, but after walking into your Bromsgrove store once again tonight on my weekly shop, I realised my comment of “Let’s get some mouldy lettuce!” should probably account for something.

Wheeling my trolley into the ‘green’ section, as per usual I looked down to find your finest array of iceburg lettuces.

Now, the picture may not do them justice, so to help you out in understanding my recurring dismay, please picture in your mind a herd of young snotty kids on a big grass field. This field, due to our recent weather, is very muddy. The kids are the rough sorts you know are never going to become Doctors or have a proper bath. It’s not that they can’t afford a football, but your finest organic iceburg lettuce is an absolute bargain at £1.30, so they’ve decided to use this as a football. They play for hours every day, the beautiful green lettuce bouncing around bringing tears of joy to their filthy little pre-borstal faces.

After around 6 months of this, they then return the finest organic Iceburg lettuce to your bromsgrove store, where it retains it’s £1.30 price tag.

And that’s where I find it. Every. Single. Week.

I’ve gone shopping on different days, just on the off-chance that you actually get all your fresh lettuces in the day after my normal shopping day, but they all still look like some tramp has rummaged through the bins to get them.

This one I bought tonight (seriously – this is the best one that I had to purchase), in case you are colour blind, is still partly green. Normally, I’d expect this would be the kind of ‘fresh’ produce a supermarket would throw in the bin, but not Morrisons Bromsgrove!

Oh, no!  This is still good!  To be fair even the usual ones with a few days left on them are as bad (this was taken on Monday 16th):

Good for what, I’m not entirely sure? Goal keeping practice for stigs?

Fermentation?

Penicillin?

Sure, I understand that the organic hippies are against anything that might preserve foods, but does this really mean that we can’t even BUY a damned lettuce that isn’t speckled with death from the start?

I’m pretty sure that even before supermarket chains had huge express distribution networks I used to be able to buy lettuce that was green at the start and might even last a whole week in the fridge?

And you charge us £1.30 for this mouldy bin-fodder?! OK, so not this time, as in your usual efforts to shift decaying food, you’ve dropped the price a whopping 30p!

Could you please explain to me why we should find this acceptable, and also why things have been this way and getting worse for at least the past 6 months?

Do you find all your lettuces in the local graveyard, amongst the old flowers next to the water tap?

If not, you may want to get your people to have a rummage through there, because I’ve seen much fresher produce composting away there!

I shall pack as much lettuce into a sandwich as I possibly can, after having binned 90% of your ‘fresh’ one to find some green – that way I might get that sweet lettucey taste just briefly before I have to throw it all away.

Please do something. This is about the only allegedly green thing I eat in my diet.

Yours faithfully,

Nasty Evil Ninja, aged 35 1/4

***UPDATE***

Well, not expecting any reply at all, 13 minutes flat from emailing the random CEO I found a contact for, he’s replied!  THIRTEEN bloody minutes!  So it looks like I’ll be getting my £1 refunded and some investivation done!