Store Loyalty Card Rant

Store Loyalty Card Rant

Loyalty reward cards.

I have had a Nectar card for about 20 years, now.

I have used it every single time I’ve gone to Sainsburys, every time I’ve filled up with fuel, and even have it linked to Ebay now.

I also have petrol cards for Shell and Texaco, that I’ve always used – and bear in mind I did 2 years as a motorcycle courier.

I’ve had store cards from places that have since closed, or stopped their card schemes.

Almost every time I pay for anything in a shop, I’m also swiping some kind of card.

Do you know how much I’ve got back from it?


Yep – not a single penny back!

So why the fuck am I still wasting my time scanning some stupid shitty card that’s ALWAYS in my wallet, along with 68 other pointless fucking store cards??

OK so the Nectar card isn’t totally worthless, and apparently I do have a bit of money to claim on there – if I ever get around to it.

Tesco Clubcard at least send you out vouchers you can use to get 50p off a meal deal every two and a half years, but that’s the only one even vaguely worth anything.

Morrisons ‘Match and More’ card must be one of the best, as that little fucker has cheek to dangle the carrot for you!

Sure, occasionally you’ll be given a voucher for £5 after paying for your 75th £90 shop there – but then check out the expiry date!

Yes – you’ve got 2 mins 47 secs to cash the cunt in!  And you KNOW you’re not doing another Big Shop for at least 3 weeks, because you’ve just stocked up on tinned All Day Breakfasts and Pot Noodles!

And that’s if you’re lucky!  Normally the useless shower of bastards will issue you with 14 different vouchers for 3p off some product you’ve never bought before in your life. Not that they matter either, as you’re now down to only 2 mins 44 secs before if fucking expires!

So unless you’re the type of stringy beard, glasses wearing, tweed coat wanker who’ll cut 645 2p off vouchers out of Womans Own magazine (in which case why bother with a shit store ‘loyalty’ card anyway?), and spend 4 fucking hours in the ’10 Items or Less’ line with 14 irritated cunts staring at the back of your head hoping you’ll die, there’s every chance you’re getting fuck-all from these cards, too!

So, am I going to throw the little plastic twat away and save around 10 days of my life swiping the bastard?

No, of course not!

I’m going to carry on scanning every fucking card every fucking time I buy any fucking thing.

That’s the kind of loyal cunt I am.

Complaint to Shell fuels

Complaint to Shell fuels

Dear Shell,

Your attendant refused to switch the pump on for me last night at your Northfield, Birmingham forecourt.

I ride a motorcycle, and have spent 17 years filling up whilst sat on the bike, so that I can safely see what I’m doing and fill the tank to the maximum safe level.

The attendant said that she was new, and had been told not to allow bikers to fill unless they dismount. I got back on my bike and rode off to fill up at the next available forecourt, with no issues.

I stayed calm and polite, despite the humiliation of having your staff member gesturing wildly at me (I thought she might be signalling “Intentional Grounding” but then realised she wasn’t an American Football referee) for a while, before I had to walk into the shop to enquire what the issue was.

I can only think of two possible reasons why I may have been refused:

  • Theft. Shell assumes all bikers are thieves who will run off with the small amount of petrol a bike can hold. Apparently the 2 seconds it takes to get back on a bike makes a major difference to this?
  • Safety. After 17 years of filling up without turning into a fireball, admittedly this COULD be the one time I set myself on fire somehow. Again, I’m not sure what major difference there is when it takes me less than 1 second (note this is quicker than getting on the bike) to dismount whilst my leathers and helmet are engulfed in a chemical blaze. Please also note that the ‘safety’ option makes even less sense when you consider that after I’ve filled my tank to the brim, I will then be climbing on top of it, resting my torso on the tank, and starting the engine in a series of controlled explosions to power me away from the Shell forecourt.

Could you explain why this is, if this is even policy?

Also, what can you do to compensate me so that I feel welcome using your fuels (and I will always pick Shell over the competition) in the future?

Yours faithfully,

Nasty Evil Ninja

Removing Your Helmet At A Petrol Station

Removing Your Helmet At A Petrol Station

This little explosive onion crops up every so often between bikers.

Occasionally, you’ll cruise up to a petrol pump, open your petrol tank, slip the tip of your nozzle in, and then…


You look over at the Till Monkey behind their bulletproof glass, and they’re desperately waving at you.

“What???” you mime at them, giving your best French shoulder shrug.

Then Till Monkey wraps his gimpy little gob around the microphone, and mumbles something over the loudspeaker about taking your helmet off.


Because, apparently, all bikers are thieves, who ride off without paying for their petrol.



First off, your average motorcycle petrol tank will hold less than 17 litres of petrol.

If you’re going to steal fuel, why the fuck would you do it on a bike, instead of a car with a 100 litre tank?

More to the point, what’s to stop a car driver wearing a peaked cap, balaclava, or a burka and making off without paying?  Absolutely nothing, that’s what – because whatever you’re wearing in a car, you won’t be asked to undress before they will serve you.

It should also be noted that you HAVE to wear a helmet by law to ride a bike.  It’s not an option.

I’m fine with this, because when that petrol splashed back into your eyes as you’re filling up, it’s quite a good safety function to have a visor to protect you.  In fact, if I take off my protective kit to fill up, and then suffer as a result where my helmet would have protected me, how much compensation do you think I’d get???

Added to this, there is then the question of what you actually do with your expensive and delicate helmet as you fill up?

So, you take your helmet off and then have the option to:

1. Balance your helmet on your seat.
2. Balance it on the handlebars.
3. Balance it on the same tank you’re pouring fucking petrol into!?!
4. Dump it on a fuel-saturated floor/top of pump etc.

I treat my helmet like a newborn baby. I wouldn’t leave a baby on the floor in a petrol station, nor balance it on anything it might fall off.

A newborn wouldn’t be much good for my noggin in an accident, but my helmet is made to do that specifically. I don’t want it weakened by contaminates. That might mean my life.

I don’t know about anybody else, but I don’t sit and trawl through shitty impossible-to-identify pictures of people who steal petrol? So who exactly is using this CCTV footage rather than recording your registration to trace offenders? And aren’t leathers/helmet/bike more identifiable than some blurry video still, anyway?

Not that it would make any difference, because, as demonstrated in the video posted below from the awesome Baron Von Grumble, most bikers at this time of year are wearing 15 layers covering their head beneath their helmet to try to keep warm.

So what are these ‘reasons’ for removing your helmet, again? Manners?

Bullshit, more like. And you can fuck off, if you want me to take my helmet off when I’m filling up. 


Take your helmet off!




Panic Buying Petrol

Panic Buying Petrol

The first I knew about this were Facebook statuses reporting huge queues of cars around local petrol stations.

I’m pretty adept now at completely avoiding the news, so had a quick look on the BBC website to find out what current crisis might have triggered this off.  And there isn’t one.

Petrol Tanker drivers were talking about going on strike for more money because their job is dangerous.

Let me just stop there to go off on a tangent:  These drivers are paid £45,000 per year.  And they want more.  I’d be happy to be earning HALF of what they’re getting.  And they want more?  Aww – poor diddums!  You can only afford to buy the one fucking BMW every year, now, can you?  I’ll tell you what – I’LL do their ‘dangerous’ job for £35,000 per year and smile every day!  The Police don’t even get £45,000 per year!!!

So, yes – back on track…

It seems that some twatbag politician had ‘advised’ that people top up their tanks and fill some jerry cans with petrol before they went into talks with the poor hard-done-by truckers.

So the dumb-ass Chavvy masses of course all went down to their local forecourt to fill every orrifice with petrol.


And now, thanks to these dickheads, all petrol prices have gone up at least another 10p per litre (don’t even get me started on THAT one) because everyone is falling over themselves to pay it!

I haven’t filled up in a week because I didn’t need to.  This morning I had to wait in a queue at 07:30 because these rubberheads were all out early again, when all I want is enough fuel to get me to work!


All of you.

Super Supermarket Fuel And Why Not To Be A Skinflint

Super Supermarket Fuel And Why Not To Be A Skinflint

I’ve banged on about petrol for years, and how the stuff supermarkets get is inferior, dirty crap that isn’t worth the so-called ‘saving’ you make in the price over the big name brands.

There has always been strong opposition from people who say it’s exactly the same petrol that they sell, I’m being a picky snobbish twat, and even if it did make a difference I wouldn’t be able to tell.

Now I defend this by tests I’ve done using different types of fuel over the years which have shown that I get better mileage, and that far outweighs the price saving of the cheaper stuff.  I’ve found there is a hierarchy with Shell at number 1 which I think makes an audible difference (and please note here that I’m talking about high octane ‘Super Unleaded’ fuels for all of this blog – I’d rather piss in my tank than put 95 RON crap in my bikes), with BP a clear second, and Texaco and Esso following up with not so big a gain to be had.

Things could have changed – so a few weeks ago I decided to put it to the test again.  OK, so I got some fuel vouchers for Tesco and decided to use them.  Whatever.
I put 3 tanks of their finest Super Unleaded in the bike for their bargain prices.

After a few days the bike started to run like shit.  A flat spot developed low down in the rev range, which meant pulling away suffered big-time.  Then shortly afterwards several more of these flatspots started to appear higher up the rev range, showing up when I was overtaking.

The bike started to feel down on power overall.

I figured it could be a bad batch of fuel, and so put some more in.

Here I should also say that normally I’ll get 120 to 125 miles from a tank until I have to switch to reserve.  With Tesco Super Unleaded?  110 miles.

So with the second tankful in all the problems remained.  I started getting paranoid about the bike.  I know some things ARE due to be serviced, and it all continued to run like crap.  I started planning stripping the bike or paying huge bills out to let a garage do the work on the valves and carbs as I put in the third tank of Tesco’s fuel…

Results were the same, so I was feeling a bit meh even as I finally switched back to Shell V-Power fuel last night…

Well bugger me if all the flat-spots haven’t disappeared!

The bike is back to running smoothly and perfectly, starting much easier, and just generally being better!

The price difference is around 10p per litre extra, but with a 17 litre tank it’s hardly worth crying over, is it?

I haven’t tested the mileage I’ll get yet, as I only filled up last night, but I’m 100% sure already that it will be much better once again.

In conclusion – suck my bawbag if you think supermarket fuels are the same!  They’re inferior cheap shit and will end up costing you more than the so-called ‘expensive’ fuels, if not in mileage then in servicing!

Don’t bloody use them!