Drug Driving Is Officially Illegal From Today!

Drug Driving Is Officially Illegal From Today!

According to a few news sources (who as a rare treat are actually pedalling important news that isn’t about some granny falling off a stage), today, new rules come into force to crack down on people driving under the influence of drugs.
Whilst in theory, this means less chance for people like me to get squished by big white vans stinking of ganja at 8 in the morning, it also grinds on me like an ugly stripper that you suspect has herpes, and wants to rub her damaged bits on you.
It seems that by swab tests at the roadside or ‘other tests’ back at the Police station, they can now catch you and charge you.
And it’s pretty hefty, too – 1 year minimum driving ban.  I don’t fully understand the measurements they use to identify a positive test, but they look pretty low.
And there lies our first problem…
I have no problem with people injecting whatever drugs they like into their eyeballs or up their snouts, but if this is going to catch someone who had a sly joint 2 days ago, it’s not a good thing for anyone.
Then there’s the fact that they WILL also test for legal medication, and you can still be charged. In one link I saw this:
“People using prescription drugs – including morphine and methadone – will not be penalised if they use the drugs within the recommended amounts.”
So, you’re telling me that somone with a trace of cocain in their system is more of a danger on the roads than someone who’s just had a legal dose of methadone? I’ve never had a legal dose of methadone, admittedly, but considering it’s take to replace a hit of heroin, I’m pretty sure that the dosage will fuck you right up. A trace of a stimulant drug that speeds up your reactions, vs some meth head in his dream world?
Who exactly has made these decisions?
Secondly, where the Hell did this all spring from?
I literally only saw an article this morning.  If I’d had my usual prescription dose of crack before jumping on my bike, I could have been banned!  Or, in more serious terms – did you have time to check and arrange other transport instead of risking your prescription meds?
And lastly, I do wonder how this all compares to the tits who STILL use their mobile phones whilst driving?
And I mean, every single day I see lots of drivers with them, texting away in their lap without even looking at the road for seconds at a time.
That’s, what? A £60 fine when they get caught? Not that they ever do…
I can’t help thinking that I’d fancy my chances more against a driver on LSD than some twat updating their Facebook status as they drive…

The Paralympics, And My Hero!

The Paralympics, And My Hero!

If you read my blog, you’ll know how I never managed to get too excited over the ‘big’ Olympics this year.

It’s pretty much a school sports day for grown-ups.  What we REALLY need to see is a Drug Olympics – anything goes, so we can see what the human body is REALLY capable of doing!

Hence why you might not be surprised to hear I’m even less enthusiastic over the Paralympics.

Don’t get me wrong – they’re all great, and full respect for getting bits lopped off and still going for it and stuff, but I’d still rather watch motor racing (which doesn’t discriminate for disabilities).

And here’s the tie-in:

One thing I AM very excited about in the Paralympics is seeing Alex (Alessandro) Zanardi.

He’ll be doing his thing in the handcycle for the first and probably last time – and he has a good chance of winning, too!

It would be the perfect ending to his story (‘My Story’ is his awesome autobiography, too – go read it!) which I’ve been following very closely.

From his days as one of the best drivers ever seen in Indycar (with the best pass ever seen at Laguna Seca’s corkscrew), winning two championships with many races from the back of the grid, getting both of his legs smashed off in a 240mph t-bone accident, and his amazing comeback shortly afterwards.

Within a couple of years of the accident which should have killed him – the forces of getting hit at that speed alone should have done it, let alone the massive blood loss – he returned to the circuit in a specially adapted Indycar, and completed the laps he’d missed from that race in Germany.  At a pace that would have had him running at the front again!

He won his first race in a modified WTCC BMW shortly afterwards.  And all this from humble beginings – unlike most top racers who were born into money an made use of it to get them to the top.

As part of staying fit he took to handcycling, and his competitive nature came through once again, and he started competing and winning at that, too.

I can’t wait to see him, and hope he gets the gold!

Another reason is that having a rant about him when asked “Who’s your hero?” in a recent job interview nailed me the job!

So thank you Alex – and best of luck!

More Snot And Pollen Than A Wurzels Gig

More Snot And Pollen Than A Wurzels Gig!


Do you get hay fever?

I never used to.  I mean, I used to SAY that I did, to get off playing some of the shittier sports on the school field.  Like running and cross country and the rest of the crap they torture kids with.  But I never actually HAD hay fever.

Until a few years ago…

If you haven’t had the joys of it, what happens is your snot glands suddenly decide you should be covered in the -ing stuff like a human slug or something, and produce copious amounts, whilst your eyeballs send a signal to your brain that they’re filled with a tramps pubic hair, before swelling up and leaking all over the place.


Welcome to Summer time!

Every year since that first time I’ve been hoping that this will be the year I’m immune to it.  I mean, FFS I already get ‘Nosebleed Seasons’ where my snout pisses claret randomly for a week or two.  I’m pretty sure that this is something to do with pollen, too, so what’s with this snotty teary shit on top of that?!

Anti-histamines are of course the cure (not for the nosebleeds, though), but even then you have to get the right one for you.

I tried all the Citrizine Hydrobastardquartine and Biffidus Digestivus or whatever tablets and they worked, but only for a few hours before it was Hobo-Teabag-In-The-Eyeball time again.

What I did find that works for me is the nasal sprays.  They seem to work all day, and don’t make my nose bleed like I expected!

There are other ways to make your body produce natural anti-histamines, though… and the good news is that the best of these is sex.

So the next time your partner complains about a blocked-up nose, you know what to do!

This might not be quite as acceptable a cure when you’re at work, though…


Legal Drugs! Get Some Ivory Wave!!!

Legal Drugs!  Get Some Ivory Wave!!!
I caught some of the breakfast news on GMTV this morning and it was this ‘news’ story:

GMTV on Ivory Wave and Legal Highs – (link is now dead, but it was all about the horrors of this killer legal drug)

*gets his knees a-jerking*

Right.  First off I’d never heard of ‘Ivory Wave’ before this. Now I know it’s obviously good stuff, and they even show you how you can Google it to buy some!  Yay them!

This Evil substance apparently killed a 24 year old man by making him jump off a cliff into the sea.  OK… Does anyone else think it mayyyyyy just not have been ‘Ivory Wave’ that was the ACTUAL cause of death here?
To get the press up in arms again, they’re billing this as the most lethal drug since Mephedrone was banned.  Err… so they mean the Mephedrone that everyone went all Frothy-Mouthed Gaa-Gaa over, got banned, and it now turns out that despite millions of reported users, there is only possibly ONE person who died because of the drug?  And I believe even that person had taken a cocktail of other drugs at the same time as the Mephedrone…

Umm… I bet more people have died after an allergic reaction to a cup of tea in the last year.  Nasty stuff that PG Tips is!

Ironically, I’d never heard of Mephedrone before the press started baying about it, either.  I got straight on t’internet and bought some after seeing a local news reporter take some on TV to show it’s ‘horrific’ effects – which seemed pretty damned good to me!

I didn’t die.  I didn’t get addicted.  I didn’t turn into a criminal.  It didn’t turn me into a raving psychotic.  OK, so I may have been a raving psychotic BEFORE, but meh…

I should also say that sex on Mephedrone was rather bloody enjoyable, too!
Next, they go on to claim that these new ‘legal highs’ are actually a cocktail of illegal drugs!  I think not!  Can you imagine someone buying Billy’s Brainflutter (and that’s a made up name and I hold the copyright now) INSTEAD of a good straight bag of cocaine???  It would NEVER happen!

Besides, if they did contain any traces of an illegal drug, then they WOULDN’T BE FUCKING ‘LEGAL’, WOULD THEY?!?

Alcohol, tobacco and coffee are clearly more deadly in all areas, and kill more people PER DAY than Ivory Wave has EVER killed.  And yet here we go again with the media jumping on the bandwagon to get it banned just like Mephedrone.

And what do they think will happen to the people who wanted to take these ‘legal highs’ when they ban them?

I’ll tell you what – they’ll go out and buy the equivalent illegal drug.  The same illegal drug which is completely unregulated, with no comeback on suppliers, which doesn’t pay any tax, which funds criminals, and which almost certainly WILL be mixed with other illegal drugs at best and bleach or some other deadly product at worst.

Plus for their quick dose they run the risk of getting a criminal record and ruining their lives.  On some recreational subject proven to be safer than alcohol and tobacco?!

It’s madness!

Get a fucking grip and stop buying into this knee-jerk bullshit that the press and Governments force-feed you, and have a go at thinking for yourself and making your own choices!



It’s come to my attention that it might not come across as well as intended that this blog is dripping with SARCASM!  I DO NOT advise anyone to go out and buy Ivory Wave or any other drug – I’m not going to.

Having said that, I want to have the CHOICE to, after I’ve researched it and if I decide it’s anything I’d be interested in.  And if, as it appears, it’s safer than the can of cider I’m drinking as I type this, then why the Hell should I not be allowed to make that choice?