How To Deal With A Crash

How To Deal With A Crash

When you ride a bike, it happens.  At some point you’ll either lose it all on your own, hit a filthy great slick of deisel, or some cock-rag will drive their car into you.

Someone (mrtommygunwhite) from the motovlog.com forum asked for advice on what really happens during the whole crashing process, and so I did my best to answer:

At the time:

Enjoy it!  Seriously.  Crashing is a Hell of a lot of fun!  I remember my first ever crash (highsided my TZR going towards a roundabout), and when I was flying in mid-air I saw the astonished faces of two Policemen in their car coming towards me!

Or sliding down the road at high speed once you’ve come off.

Or locking both wheels of my RGV250R for the 4th time, totally sideways, as I tried to avoid the huge spikey truck that had pulled out and stalled in the road ahead, and then getting flipped off and between the wheels of the truck.

Sure, it hurts, but in that moment, and looking back afterwards, it’s a unique experience.  WHEEEEEEEE!!! 

The only worry I’ve had is to try and keep my helmet from smashing against the road (they’re expensive!), and if you know you’re going to flip or roll get your limbs in so they don’t flail about and come off.

Just after:

Yeah, it’s not so brilliant from here on in.  My first thought is normally “Nooooo – not my bike!!!” and getting to is ASAP to pick it up and assess the damage.

Next it’ll be what’s missing from me.  If it’s a bad one (actually, you should ALWAYS do this first) just stay the fk down.  Have a nice lie down for a while and see if you’re still breathing.  Have a little bit of a gentle wiggle to see if anything hurts.  Then have a look and hope your toes aren’t in front of your visor, or anything daft.

If you’re not hurt, then try and control any rage so you don’t rip someone out of their car window and beat them to death with their own gouged-out eyeballs. 

A car pulled out on me on an island, and I banked it over and thudded into the side of her, somehow staying upright and still on the bike (which was written off for front suspension damage).  I was -ing livid, and have absolutely no doubt I’d have pounded the dumb bints face so badly she’d look like a dropped pasty.  Luckily, she only stopped about 50 yards down the road, and I’d have looked pretty damned stupid running all that way just to get to her.  I shouted lots, though.

Dealing with the fear, i.e. the nightmares

This can be bad, but remember they ARE just nightmares!  Afterwards I’d often jump off the bloody bed thinking I’d crashed again, or locked the front etc.

I do think it’s good to get back on a bike ASAP, but when you do you should take it easy, rather than going at it full-on straight away.  It’ll take a while to build up your confidence again.

Weirdly, BEFORE a few of my crashes I’ve had dreams for a few weeks before it happened.  Like dreams of losing the front on the brakes before someone did a U-turn and I did indeed lock up the front and go down.

In that crash, back in January 2008, that is all I remember.  I was filtering, saw a cars wheels turn before he immediatley floored it and pulled out.  I hit the brakes HARD, remember losing the front (not that I had a chance of stopping at that distance)…. and then I was sliding down the road on my back.  I even remember trying to hold my head up (it was a Shoei!) and just giving up, letting my head drop because I figured I was probably an ambulance case.

How did I get through a solid car?  Did my body actually hit the car?  I have no idea, and to be honest I’m not sure I really want to have that memory come back…

Oh, and remember your adrenaline will be through the roof after a crash, and you may not notice broken ribs and stuff for hours afterwards.  Get theeself to hospital if there’s any doubt (a chest impact could do heart damage that will kill you hours or days later etc).  And remember you WILL be in serious pain the next day, even if you think you feel fine at the time.

And finally the people who are out to get us – the trolls:

They’re not!  They’re all just regular people who have brain-dead moments.

Take a walk around a supermarket and note how people park their trolleys in the most stupid and selfish places, or push them without any kind of awareness of their surroundings.  That’s pretty much how most people drive.

The Paralympics, And My Hero!

The Paralympics, And My Hero!

If you read my blog, you’ll know how I never managed to get too excited over the ‘big’ Olympics this year.

It’s pretty much a school sports day for grown-ups.  What we REALLY need to see is a Drug Olympics – anything goes, so we can see what the human body is REALLY capable of doing!

Hence why you might not be surprised to hear I’m even less enthusiastic over the Paralympics.

Don’t get me wrong – they’re all great, and full respect for getting bits lopped off and still going for it and stuff, but I’d still rather watch motor racing (which doesn’t discriminate for disabilities).

And here’s the tie-in:

One thing I AM very excited about in the Paralympics is seeing Alex (Alessandro) Zanardi.

He’ll be doing his thing in the handcycle for the first and probably last time – and he has a good chance of winning, too!

It would be the perfect ending to his story (‘My Story’ is his awesome autobiography, too – go read it!) which I’ve been following very closely.

From his days as one of the best drivers ever seen in Indycar (with the best pass ever seen at Laguna Seca’s corkscrew), winning two championships with many races from the back of the grid, getting both of his legs smashed off in a 240mph t-bone accident, and his amazing comeback shortly afterwards.

Within a couple of years of the accident which should have killed him – the forces of getting hit at that speed alone should have done it, let alone the massive blood loss – he returned to the circuit in a specially adapted Indycar, and completed the laps he’d missed from that race in Germany.  At a pace that would have had him running at the front again!

He won his first race in a modified WTCC BMW shortly afterwards.  And all this from humble beginings – unlike most top racers who were born into money an made use of it to get them to the top.

As part of staying fit he took to handcycling, and his competitive nature came through once again, and he started competing and winning at that, too.

I can’t wait to see him, and hope he gets the gold!

Another reason is that having a rant about him when asked “Who’s your hero?” in a recent job interview nailed me the job!

So thank you Alex – and best of luck!

Getting Into A Huge Car Crash

Getting Into A Huge Car Crash

Car Crash Picture

This morning on my commute I very nearly totalled my car in a nasty way.

The dual carriageway from Bromsgrove to Redditch is full of braindead, selfish morons on the best of days. When they’re not driving at 50mph on one of the safest 70mph roads in existence, they’re sat in the overtaking lane refusing to move back to the left hand lane – adn sometimes they’re doing both of these together! Either way, they’re too busy doing fuck-knows-what to be aware of anybody around them or to LOOK before doing stupid stuff.

Crashes are frequent, although I’ve never witnessed one so have no idea just how they manage it.

Today I very nearly found out first hand…

At least one other morning this week I passed some big yellow steel heavy plant vehicle thingy, which was crawling along in the left hand lane doing, by my estimation, less than 20mph.

Of course, all the idiots don’t notice this until the last second, and everyone slams on their brakes and pulls quickly out into the overtaking lane without any thought for car travelling at high speed who have the right of way in that lane. I thought it looked very dangerous and wondered if it’s even legal to have something going that much slower without a Police escort or something?

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Well this morning I was in that overtaking lane taking a somewhat treacherous left hand bend (past the infamous Cloverleaf junction, funnily enough) doing at least 70mph when brake lights of cars ahead started coming on.

Thanks to the kind of observation skills you only get from years of riding motorbikes, I saw this all nice and early and was already quite hard on the brakes expecting the couple of cars behind The Yellow Thing to swerve around it and cut me up.

The car immediatly behind The Yellow Thing as I approached seemed to have braked down to the same speed of The Yellow Thing (i.e. under 20mph) as I closed on them still on the brakes just in case… and then the retarded motherfucker pulled straight out in front of me, even though I could see he had a good few car-lengths gap to The Yellow Thing.

I slammed on the brakes still mid-corner as hard as I could, locking up as I tried to scrub off around 30-50mph in the very short distance he’d left me with, with the car slewing sideways on the brakes.

I still had control of the car even at this jaunty angle, but I remember thinking “There is absolutely nothing more I can do here” as I had to wait to see if I’d stop in time or I’d plough into the back of the car…

Thankfully, the Cock-Knuckle in the car then pulled back into the left hand lane, as he was blatantly doing less than The Yellow Thing even though he’d pulled out(!!?!), and I got off the brakes and got myself pointing in the right direction again.

Looking over at Cock-Knuckle as I passed, he did that thing where they stare directly ahead and don’t even dare to acknowledge your existence. THAT makes me want to rip their fucking throats out!

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It’s the only time so far I’ve come close to crashing a car, and I have to say I’m accrediting that to the advanced driving I did as soon as I passed my test only a year and a half ago. I’m pretty happy sliding a car and getting it out of shape, and if I wasn’t then I think that one would have been me done-for! If you haven’t done it already GET YOURSELF BOOKED ONTO A SKID CONTROL COURSE!!! I can’t say it enough, because it will save your life!

Spending some time in a kart is also excellent practice and you can get it out of shape fairly safely so you get used to controling it.

As ever, it’s Sods Law that this was the one day I didn’t have the bloody camera running in the car – so unfortunately I can’t upload the video of it all. Hopefully I won’t ever get to repeat it, so you never will see it!

Afterwards, I thought about what would have happened had I been on the bike as I’d considered doing? Would I have been going faster? Could I have stopped as quickly without losing the front end (and bouncing over curbs into the oncoming traffic)?

Would I have tried going for the gap between Cock-Knuckle and The Yellow Thing and been taken out as Cock-Knuckle pulled back in?

What if someone had been behind me, if I’d been on either vehicle?

One thing I do know is that The Yellow Thing is going to cause a major accident…

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Car Drivers Still Piss Me Off

Car Drivers Still Piss Me Off

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Even though I’ve now had cars for almost 2 years, I still class myself more as a biker.  In fact, I still sometimes walk to the wrong car door to get in, then have to fake a tyre inspection or something before walking around to the correct side.

Being technically a ‘car driver’ myself, there are still things that car drivers do that piss me off.

Is it just me, or does nobody care anymore about hitting your car, or driving into things?

Every time I park outside a supermarket, I seem to come back to some new fucking dent or scrape on my car.  No notes from the culprit, no witnesses, just the sign of yet another selfish cunt who shouldn’t be on the roads in the first place.

People used to stop and admit stuff like that, didn’t they?  I guess that was the days before some minor claim on the insurance would cost hundreds on top of your policy for the next 5 years…

Hence, everyone seems to be driving around in cars with dents adn scrapes all over them, because it’s just not worth repairing anything.  It’s not quite as bad as places like Prague, where every car seems to have lost a fight with a tram, but we’re getting there.

It still sends me fucking apeshit to see drivers approaching islands staring off to the right waiting for gaps in traffic.

WHY?

You can’t fucking go anywhere if there’s a car in front of you!  What if the car doesn’t move?  You will run into the back of it and earn my scorn.

There is NEVER an excuse to do this!  Fucking look where you’re going until yur path is clear, THEN look to see if you can join the island.  It’s not brain surgery, but you dumbass cunts make it seem like it’s impossible!

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And speaking of dumbass cunts there are STILL huge numbers of them chatting away on the phone whilst driving!  They KNOW they’ll get points and a fine if they get caught, so WTF are they doing?!

I guess YOU are perfectly ok to talk and drive, are you?  Because you’re in a white van?  No – because you’re a thick cunting great lummox who deserves to be shot in the face.

And just as bad, the Nob-Nuts who do 40mph for miles in a 60mph zone, then carry on doing 40 when the road goes through a 30 zone, then STILL do 40 when it goes back to a 60 again!!!

FFS if its too dangerous to do ‘high’ speeds on a suitable road what the fuck are you doing speeding through the unsuitable bits?!??!?

Loads of 60mph zones have been dropped to 40mph ‘for safety’ (i.e. no fucking reason at all), so I have to admit that cheapens the reason for those limits.  How can we respect that?  But 30mph zones are generally there to stop you killing yourself or school children/puppies/old biddies.  So you have to respect them and slow the fuck down!

And if you can’t reach 60mph in a designated zone then get the fuck back on the bus you twat!

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**EDIT**

I’ve just seen this video from a cyclist that captures exactly the blind ignorance of most car drivers.  Especially the cock-nosed cow of a woman crying about “Where were you?!?!” – HE WAS UNDER YOUR FUCKING CAR YOU RETARD!!!

 

Braindead Car Drivers With Aids

Braindead Car Drivers With Aids

I went out for a good long ride the other day along the scenic and fun roads around Shropshire, but almost didn’t make it that far because of this incident just a few minutes into my journey:

Now, firstly I need to stress to you how important it is to make sure you’re ‘switched on’ whenever you’re on the bike.  It’s easy to get complacent when you’re only just setting out, and even more so when you’re close to home on your return.

In the video, you see the car ahead of me is positioned over to the right hand side of the road approaching the roundabout.  He is actually up against the right hand curb as he’s going around the roundabout, before suddenly and without indicating he cuts across to take the left exit.  Almost taking me out.

His road positioning and percieved intention to turn right is exagerated even more because the car ahead of him took the correct positioning and line, making his actions even more deceptive.

I had plenty of room to go around the left hand side of the car, but to be honest I was expecting such a stupid move, so hung back.  You could say my Spidey Sense was tingling, and it saved me.

You’ll notice that afterwards I overtake the car.  There are several reasons for this – firstly what you can’t see is that I was gesticulating to the driver as I was alongside.  When I pulled in front I was switching my indicators on and off and pointing at them.  Do you think he learnt anything?  Doubtful.

Secondly, I believe that it’s better to have the idiots as far behind you as possible, where they can’t cause you any damage.  If they’re still in front they’re still dangerous, as they can brake and reverse or do other mental stuff.

What exactly are we doing to educate drivers?  Other than the million to one chance of them getting caught being Nobbers by the Police, we’re creating hundreds of driver aids to make the cars safer.

Sorry?

We’re making the CARS safer, taking even more responsibility away from the driver?!  Meaning they have even less need to concentrate, because the cars will brake, stabilise themselves, keep within the road markings and protect the dumbass occupants when they do end up upside down in a ditch?

Maybe we should be taking all the driver aids away and surrounding the driver with sharpened metal spikes facing inwards, so they might start to learn that their pissing about behind the wheel has CONSEQUENCES.

Winter Friggin’ Winter

Winter Friggin’ Winter

“What did you do in The Great War, Nasty Evil Ninja?”

I keep telling you – I wasn’t in any -ing war!  Having said that, I was wounded in ‘Nam.

Birming’Nam.

Weirdly enough, from what I can work out, I’ve picked up a nasty knee injury by sitting on the couch, drinking Bud and eating cheese and chilli covered nachos whilst watching the Superbowl.  Either that or Lill Boo was practising her wrestling moves on me when I was asleep afterwards.

Either way I woke up with pain and ruptured synovial membrane.  Bah!

As the internet is down at work I figured I’d update you on random thoughts, and a bit about what’s going on in my life.

Not bloody much!  It’s Winter – so I haven’t been riding my bike.  It’s not how it used to be…  I mean, I did 10 or 11 Winters riding sportsbikes on the snow and ice!  Looking back at it now I have no idea how I ever survived?  I’m so glad I managed to capture a few rides on video, because who is going to believe that I rode a ZX9R through fairly deep snow in conditions so slippery that I actually started sliding backwards down a hill!  Well here is the proof:

Aside from being pretty damned sure I’d never try and repeat anything like that (I actually rode my VFR750 in much deeper snow and slid backwards down a different hill), I have to admit that there is a part of me that misses it.  I’m not sure if it was ‘fun’ exactly, but it’s probably more to do with how much of a thrill it was.  How extreme.  How unique.

But after 11 years of that I learned to drive a car just over a year ago, and find I also love driving.  Compared to being on a bike, if you get out of shape in a car, you have time to go and make a sandwich, have a quick look on Facebook, and THEN do something to stop you from crashing.  It’s easy as Hell!

Winter is pretty much dead time for me.  I can’t do trackdays or anything I want, and there isn’t even any motor racing on TV.  Apart from rallying – and that just doesn’t cut it compared to waiting to see the Moto 2 boys slugging it out with 20 bikes going for the lead!

So I’m on Facebook a lot.  Playing stupid games.  And if I can safely sneak it in without Lill Boo getting bored to death (no, this is not inuendo!), then I’ll get the Xbox 360 on.

I’m still waiting with bated breath for GTA 5 to come out, but that’s ages away.  I discovered the Dragon Age games a few months back, and sunk many hours into those, and have just started on Elder Scrolls: Oblivion.

I think I still prefer Fallout for that type of game, but Elder Scolls is pretty damned good!  It should tide me over until the snow pisses off and I can get my kicks scraping my knees on the tarmac again!

What do you lot do to keep you amused through the Winter months?

As a side note to all this, I learnt the other day that one of my favourite people on YouTube for his hilarious bike vids, mask pranks, and other malarkey – Svengalie – has passed away…

He seemed like a really good bloke, and it appears it may have been a suicide.  It goes to show that you never really know what’s going on in someone’s Real World away from their online antics…  Such a shame.  He was only 30 and had kids.  My dearest thoughts go out to them and his friends and family.

I’ll leave you with the first ever vlog I saw of his (before I even knew what a vlog was) that made me laugh so much.  Hopefully it will do the same for you, and spare a thought for Steven Love:

Filthy Quick-Fingered Flashing Barskets!!!!

Filthy Quick-Fingered Flashing Barskets!!!!

So I’m riding along happily (probably too fast but that’s mere opinion), and dodging the masses of Numb-nuts who seem to have found a driving license lying around and adopted it as their own, and I decide to overtake someone.

I aim to ride on the roads without EVER causing anyone else to brake or swerve to avoid me, but, of course, we all make mistakes.

I open the throttle and just as I’m pulling alongside the car in front, another car appears going the opposite way.

“Oh gosh” thinks I, realising he’s coming a bit too fast for me to be able to complete my overtaking manuevre without having a head-on crash.

I have three choices:

1. Hit the car head on.
2. Pin the throttle and try and cut in front of the car I was overtaking, or
3. Slam on the anchors in a straight line then pull back in behind the car again.

I opt for number 3.

So the rear of the bike starts lifting as I’m desperately scrubbing speed off, and I’m using every ounce of concentration on using my brakes to maximum effect, and planning an ‘escape route’ to get out of trouble.

And then what happens?

The fucktard coming towards me starts flashing his headlights at me!

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Gee, thanks!  No fucking pressure or anything.  I already KNOW I’m holding my life in my hands, and now I’m fucking half blind to go along with it!!!

And how the Hell do these people, when they should be concerned about an imminent collision, manage to find the headlight flashing switch???

Is this what human reactions have evolved to????

I know if I’m preparing for avoiding action, the last fucking thing I’m thinking is “I’d better flash my lights and sound my horn!”

Grrr……

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