Holiday Rage

Holiday Rage

Right, first off, even that title pisses me off. It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the holiday season’ or ‘festive period’ or whatever you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!

Stop. It.

This year, I’ve managed to do almost all my CHRISTMAS shopping online. I’m sure most others will be able to say the same.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???

It’s Hell out there! All the Christmas Numpties have caught on to those self-scan thingies at supermarkets, too. Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area. Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!

And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July? I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!

Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt. Hard.

And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas. And let me just tell you something:

THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!

You’re not going to starve to death! Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!

And is it just me, or is every cripple or anyone on wheels in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year? Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd seems to be blocking everyones way. And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!

And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same 40 songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…

Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.

Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – at Christmas mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!

You bastards!

If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.

Don’t Bother Insuring Your Car/Bike – It’s Worth The Risk!

Don’t Bother Insuring Your Car/Bike – It’s Worth The Risk!

First off, I’ll make it clear that all my vehicles ARE fully insured, but I can see why people wouldn’t bother insuring theirs.

Insurance companies are absolutely terrible cunts.

If you’re loyal to them, they will put up your policy price when you renew. I call it a Stupid Tax for those who can’t be botherd to shop around, but the fact is they still do it deliberately to rip people off.  They are NOT loyal to you in any way, so why should you be to them?

Once you do find a policy that you can fucking afford without turning to prostitution, you find you have to pay an ‘excess’ – basically this means that if anything happens (i.e. the whole reason you have insurance in the first place), you – yes YOU have to fucking pay anyway before the fucktards at your insurance company will get the chance to rip you off again!

So you insure your £700 car, and notice you have to pay out £500 before they pay a penny.  Let’s assume on that £700 you’re paying the average price of £500 (PER YEAR!?!?!), then when you make a claim of course the fucking retards tell you your car is only worth £500 due to depreciation, so you’re fucked.

You pay £500, they pay nothing.

THEN, they properly kick you in the balls for the next 5 years by making you pay more on every policy you take out!

This is whether the claim was your fault or not.  How in the Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ is that even LEGAL?!?

Then there is car and/or bike insurance.

You have to take two separate tests for two separate licenses.  But crash your car, and you have to declare that on your bike insurance, and so they BOTH go up for 5 years!

And you have 7 years No Claims discount for your car?  Oh, but you want a second car as well?

You can only drive one car at a time, right?

Right!  Well fuck you – you can only use your No Claims discount on ONE policy!

Want a car AND a bike?

Fuck you – you have to buy a policy for each.

I pay £130 per yer fully comprehensive on my 190mph superbike.  I recently bought an old shitter of a 500cc slow and sensible learner bike.

I honestly thought I could add this bike to my policy for around £20.  I called up my insurance company (DIRECT CHOICE – there’s your mantion you fat, greedy, robbing cunts! *waves*) who took my details and offered to add this little bike onto the big bike policy for… how much do you think?

£500.

That’s right – FIVE HUNDRED CUNTY-BASTARD POUNDS STERLING!

It still makes em laugh now.  I did a quick price comparison search (not allowed to use my NCD, remember) for a brand new policy and got one for £70.

Direct Choice you are utter, utter useless feeble cunts. Thanks for your help, and confirming that if you EVER call your insurance company after you’ve bought the policy, they stick their big fat cock up your arse without any lube.

And I even get a free cuddly Meercat toy ony my new bike policy.

Wankers.

“BRB carrying teh Olympic Torch lol!”

“BRB carrying teh Olympic Torch lol!”

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If any of you reading this are homeless tramps sozzled on 90% Puncheon Rum, you may not be aware that Great Britain is hosting the Olympic Games this year.

As part of the tradition, thousands of runners are nominated to carry the Olympic Torch through the streets, for The People.

This is great.  It gets everyone in the spirit, and gives them the chance, if they’re lucky enough, to have that once in a lifetime opportunity to carry the Torch themselves.

How awesome!  Actually carrying the symbol of ancient tradition proudly and honourably!

It truly is a remarkable privilege to be the bearer of the Olympic Torch.

And so these cock-nosed fucking retards get out their trusty mobile phones and update their Facebook status.

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“Posting this whilst carrying the torch lol!”

WTF?!

How selfish?  How abso-fucking-lutely outrageous that your self-obsessed ass thinks they can ignore everyone around you, who’ve been waiting for hours out on the streets, to get to see you jogging past with your fucking mobile phone out?

SWITCH YOUR FUCKING PHONE OFF AND CARRY THE TORCH!!!

Anyone who gives a shit what you’re doing on Twitter should already be out there cheering you on – or, how about this for an idea… why not update your selfish little cunt of a status AFTER or even BEFORE you do your duty for The People?

It’s driving me mad to see it happening so much, and nobody else seems to find it in poor taste???

Next time one of the Torch bearers comes past you on their mobile phone I want you to punch that cunt in the face and take that torch off them!

Bonus points if you can set their stupid fucking phone on fire using the Torch and ram it down the front of their pants.

Cunts.

https://i2.wp.com/is-a-cunt.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/cunt1.jpg

Holiday Rage

Holiday Rage

Right, first off, even that title pisses me off. It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the holiday season’ or ‘festive period’ or whatever you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!

Stop. It.

This year, I’ve managed to do almost all my CHRISTMAS shopping online. I’m sure most others will be able to say the same.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???

It’s Hell out there! All the Christmas Numpties have caught on to those self-scan thingies at supermarkets, too. Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area. Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!

And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July? I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!

Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt. Hard.

And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas. And let me just tell you something:

THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!

You’re not going to starve to death! Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!

And is it just me, or is every cripple or anyone on wheels in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year? Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd seems to be blocking everyones way. And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!

And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same 40 songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…

Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.

Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – at Christmas mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!

You bastards!

If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.

Utterly Shit New Facebook Feed – Go And Die

Utterly Shit New Facebook Feed – Go And Die

All day I saw people whinging about yet more new and unoptoutable (is that a word?) changes that Facebook were making.  I couldn’t see much difference apart from some of my groups in the list were missing.  Or MORE, I should say, as the rest disappeared a while back during other changes…

Getting back tonight and sitting down with a nice monkfish tail and noodles, I called up Facebook and… It’s here!

http://imagemacros.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/what_the_shit_dog.jpeg?w=400&h=353

What, in the blue-arsed spasticated baboons arse of a CUNT have they gone and done now?!?

For fucks sake!

I’m greeted with ‘Top Stories’.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Good idea, but useless to me.  How do I change it back?  I can’t??

Ok, so I go down the list of posts on my news feed, and click the options tag to the right of their post, to find that by default, I’m only going to see ‘most’ of that friends posts on Facebook.  I have to go through the 300-odd (some very odd) friends on their individually to change this so I can see ALL their posts like before??  FUCK YOU.  FUCK YOU RIGHT UNDER THE FINGERNAILS WITH THE EDGE OF A CORRUGATED PIZZA BOX, YOU UTTER CUNTS!!!!

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Surely the default setting should be to see ALL posts, and in time order from the most recent??  That’s the whole fucking point of Facebook??

I’m only on there to keep in touch with friends, and more importantly to be ENTERTAINED by what they say!  I like to think some on there will be ENTERTAINED by what I post, too!

But are they even seeing it now?  Am I seeing them?

Have they sold Facebook to MySpace?  Because I loved that place until they utterly fucked it up to the point where I scrapped my 1 million view blog to start again from scratch on a site that wasn’t shit!

Facebook has done even worse, because where MySpace simply ignored anything to do with blogs, FaceFuck has directly fucked up the entire point of being there.

Bravo!

*applauds sarcastically*

And you film was shit, too.

Cunts.

https://i0.wp.com/www.evilmilk.com/pictures/Fuck_You403.jpg Facebook, being the ball that Facebook dropped, yesterday.

We All Know You Aren’t The Police!!!

We All Know You Aren’t The Police!!!

The rest of the title should read: “So Stop Putting Your Fucking High-Viz Vest On The Parcel Shelf!”.

And here starts my rant…

I’m sure we’ve all seen it.  You’re driving down the motorway when suddenly brake lights come on in front of you, because there’s some Tit-Head sat in the middle lane at 60mph with a high visibility vest on full display on the rear parcel shelf.

WHY?!?!

“Ooh, look at me!  I’m a High-Viz Wanker!”

Yes, yes you are!  And well done for getting hold of a high-viz vest. 

So which exact type of High-Viz Cunt are you?  Builder?  Security Guard?  Lollypop -ing Lady???

You’re a twat!

I know WHY you do it – it’s because you think in your tiny little deluded and self-important mind that it makes you look like you’re a Police Officer, and so all the nasty drivers won’t overtake you or drive too closely to your shitty 1992 Rover Vitesse.

Well go shove your head up a dead badgers ass!

You know the only people who DON’T put their high-viz vest for all to see?

It’s the fucking Police!

Next time I see your idiotic ass with a high viz vest on display, I will ram you off the bastard road, set your car on fire, and piss on your burning eyeballs.

Stop being a big glowing retard and stop fucking doing it!!

Cunts.

Michael Cera Is A Granny-faced Unfunny Wimpy Geek Crap-acting Cunt

Michael Cera Is A Granny-faced Unfunny Wimpy Geek Crap-acting Cunt

It seems that a new King of Hollywood Comedy has usurped my friend Owen ‘Unfunny’ Wilson at last!

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Michael ‘Oh I’m REALLY Fucking Hilarious’ Cera.

Look how funny he is!  With his Geek Appeal, and cute vulnerability.

Not to mention his Scottish-Granny-style looks, with pensioner hair obviously to hide his big fucking balloon-shaped head!

But I can forgive looks, and stupid high whiney voice.  I can understand that people think weak-ass Hobbits make great heros (although I don’t have to like it one tiny bit).

What I can’t forgive is that he’s shit, and that everyone wants the twat in their film!!!

So what’s he been in?

Superbad – where he nearly ruined the film.

Juno – where it was shit anyway and he actually made me punch the TV screen.

And the classic that I watched far too much of at the weekend: ‘Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World’.  Uhhh…

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I could have sworn he was the Nobber in some film where he decides to be a superhero, so makes a Ghey suit and goes out and gets stabbed by a crim.  I laughed, but it seems that wasn’t him?  Just his spirit, I guess?

Anyway, he’s shit, and I hope he chokes on his own head in some bizarre accident.  Avoid any film with this rubber-head in.

Cunt.

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