Filthy Quick-Fingered Flashing Barskets!!!!

Filthy Quick-Fingered Flashing Barskets!!!!

So I’m riding along happily (probably too fast but that’s mere opinion), and dodging the masses of Numb-nuts who seem to have found a driving license lying around and adopted it as their own, and I decide to overtake someone.

I aim to ride on the roads without EVER causing anyone else to brake or swerve to avoid me, but, of course, we all make mistakes.

I open the throttle and just as I’m pulling alongside the car in front, another car appears going the opposite way.

“Oh gosh” thinks I, realising he’s coming a bit too fast for me to be able to complete my overtaking manuevre without having a head-on crash.

I have three choices:

1. Hit the car head on.
2. Pin the throttle and try and cut in front of the car I was overtaking, or
3. Slam on the anchors in a straight line then pull back in behind the car again.

I opt for number 3.

So the rear of the bike starts lifting as I’m desperately scrubbing speed off, and I’m using every ounce of concentration on using my brakes to maximum effect, and planning an ‘escape route’ to get out of trouble.

And then what happens?

The fucktard coming towards me starts flashing his headlights at me!

Gee, thanks!  No fucking pressure or anything.  I already KNOW I’m holding my life in my hands, and now I’m fucking half blind to go along with it!!!

And how the Hell do these people, when they should be concerned about an imminent collision, manage to find the headlight flashing switch???

Is this what human reactions have evolved to????

I know if I’m preparing for avoiding action, the last fucking thing I’m thinking is “I’d better flash my lights and sound my horn!”


Better Than A Poke In The Eye With A Sharp Stick?

Better Than A Poke In The Eye With A Sharp Stick?


Last night, I rode in the darkness (and without my trusty tinted visor) for the first time in months.

I was a bit rusty.  It takes a while to get all your confidence back in night riding.  A big part of riding a bike is looking through the corner to the exit, but of course the headlights only shine forwards, so essentially you can’t really see, and have to totally readjust your riding style.

Added to this, you can’t see the potholes and dead badgers.

And it was drizzling with rain.

I headed off down the country lanes, being very sensible, and it wasn’t long before a car approached from the opposite direction.

I was riding on high-beam headlights so as not to end up sniffing the hedgerows, and, as I always do, was riding with my thumb over the high beam switch.

This is a very simple concept:

When you shine a 6,000 watt light into someones eyes at night, they have trouble seeing.  If they are driving two tonne of metal or riding a bike at the time, this makes for a dangerous situation for all concerned.  Especially with rain to refract the light so that it blinds you even more.

When traveling down your average country lane, you can see a vee-hick-al coming the other way very clearly, because their headlights illuminate the hedgerows and can be seen with a clear view from miles away.  At worst, you have a good few seconds notice that someone is coming around the same corner in the opposite direction.

ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL you have to do is flick that -ing switch back to dip-beam BEFORE your lights are shining directly at the oncoming vee-hick-al, and all is right and good in the world.

It’s that simple.  See the reflection of lights approaching, dip your headlights.

It’s common fucking sense.

So why does every braindead zombie cunt-wig leave their lights on high beam until I take both my hands off the bars, covering my face and screaming like some bloody Triffid has spat in my face, slowing to a 2mph crawl as I try to wobble to the left of the brain-searing source of the light without dying???

And what can you do about it???

‘Bastard Instinct’ makes you flash your lights at them, but all this really does is blinds them, meaning you’re even more likely to die.  So this can’t be the best plan, can it?

Or there’s getting on the old Noddy horn, but this is a bit Ghey.  Most bike horns sound like a virgin farting in a lift, anyway.  It’s not very intimidating.

How would the Law look on someone who is half blind turning around, chasing down some High Beam Twat, dragging them out of their car, and beating them to death with their own brainstem?