Humans Are Mad

Humans Are Mad

It has long since come to my attention that we, human beings, as a species, are stark raving mad.

Getting past the fact that we’re all just bloody weird creatures (some more wonderful than others), a lot of the things we do and eat and wear don’t make the slightest bit of sense.  I guess after religion stuck it’s filthy paws in and repressed our natural animal instincts, it’s not all that surprising.

Here are some of the reasons:

Ties

You look untidy… untidy… still untidy… wrap a totally useless bit of material around your neck – Oh, you must be an honourabel and dapper gentleman!

No, if this wasn’t ‘traditional’, you’d look like a dick.

Ironing

WTF do we need flat clothes for?  Any hippie tells you they’re saving the world, tell them how much of the Earths natural resources they waste on ironing!

We don’t have flat bodies.  Your freshly ironed clothes stay that way for about 4 seconds until you have aq sit down, put your coat on, or move at all.  And you want to kill all the worlds baby seals for THAT?!  Shame on you!

Dancing

Fling your arms around, jump up and down and move about… that’s cool!  Do it slightly differently, and people laugh?! It’s ALL mental!

We all love to see animals doing a cute little ‘dance’, don’t we?  Well that’s you.  And that’s your mother.

Food

We’ll happily eat chicken, but a pigeon?  Hell no, you dirty git!  And who the Hell first discovered cow milk and why?!  Or frying things in oil?

Christmas

The one time of year when, all of a sudden, that orange peel you throw away in disgust is suddenly more appealing than a kebab from Charlie’s after a night down The Black Cross.  Get it eaten!

Raw lemon peel?  Mmm – why not put that shit in a cake!  Lovely!

And that wine you enjoy, but insist it needs to be chilled to the same temperature as a polar bears heel?  Heat that stuff up!

Hell, lets throw some bloody cloves in, too!  Everybody suddenly turns into a garbage-eating, pot-pourri munching tramp for Jesus’ birthday!

Keep on doing your big pink talking monkey thing, folks, and I hope you all have a great 2014!

POEM: “Advent Calendar” by Jamz

Something a bit Christmassy seeing that all you Nobbers have been banging on about it since Halloween:

“Advent Calendar” by Jamz

I count down the days

To a Christmas alone,

When I thought I’d be with you.

How many windows did you open

And take a piece of my soul?

Do you even see the days anymore,

Or is each one a painful eternity

That you give sweetly to me?

Will you ever awaken

And see my ghost in your cold breath?

Or do you no longer sigh my name

In your selfish sleep?

Did you feel my Winter

When you reached out for me?

Then drew back your hand

And recoiled

Because I used to be your summer?

Merry Christmas.

28.11.03

Holiday Rage

Holiday Rage

Right, first off, even that title pisses me off. It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the holiday season’ or ‘festive period’ or whatever you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!

Stop. It.

This year, I’ve managed to do almost all my CHRISTMAS shopping online. I’m sure most others will be able to say the same.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???

It’s Hell out there! All the Christmas Numpties have caught on to those self-scan thingies at supermarkets, too. Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area. Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!

And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July? I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!

Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt. Hard.

And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas. And let me just tell you something:

THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!

You’re not going to starve to death! Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!

And is it just me, or is every cripple or anyone on wheels in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year? Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd seems to be blocking everyones way. And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!

And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same 40 songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…

Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.

Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – at Christmas mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!

You bastards!

If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.

The Rant Before Christmas

The Rant Before Christmas

We’re nearly there!  Little Johnny is almost being sick with excitement, the dog/cat is already saving up his innards ready to crap in your Aunts shoes during the Christmas meal, and general madness has taken the nation!

I still blame the Christmas music, of course.  I have songs that I absolutely fucking LOVE that I haven’t heard as many times as some of those bastard songs.

I’m actually sat writing this at work and sniggering because the CD player is skipping like Dale Winton on amphetamines.  It’s just a matter of time until someone turns it off… or I put my earplug back in and put my own Christmas music back on.

What’s that?

At The Gates.  Specifically, it’s the album ‘Slaughter Of The Soul’.  Now THAT sounds Christmassy to me!  Either that or ‘The Principles Of Evil Made Flesh’ by Cradle Of Filth’.  Or the first two albums by Ultraviolence (‘Life Of Destructor’ and ‘Psychodrama’).

I suspect this is because I got these albums for Christmas, but also because they DO sound like Winter.  Cold.  Precise.  Brutal.

And GENUINE.  Unlike the shit we get force-fed as ‘festive’ – the same songs that are almost as if they’re trying to convince themselves that we’re “simply having a wonderful Christmas time”, and all that Jive Bunny shit.

It is depressing to me.

I’ve heard people talk about going to the supermarket at 7am today to find it filled with people doing their shopping ready for the big day.

That’s ‘day’.  Singular.  As in, the shops are closed for TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!!!

Correct me if I’m wrong, but for the rest of the year most people cope with only shopping once a week?!  So why, all of a sudden, does everyone go all Frothy-Mouthed Gaa-Gaa because we can’t go shopping on just that one day??

If the shops were open on Christmas Day – would anyone actually GO there?  Chill the fuck out, have another glass of sherry, and get some turkey down you FFS!

I hope you all have a great time, and I hope weird shit happens to me so I can blog about it all.

Chances are it will be a tale of being forced to watch childrens TV and Emo Eastenders – but I’ll be clinging onto that sherry haze for dear life!

Merry -ing Christmas!

Holiday Rage

Holiday Rage

Right, first off, even that title pisses me off. It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the holiday season’ or ‘festive period’ or whatever you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!

Stop. It.

This year, I’ve managed to do almost all my CHRISTMAS shopping online. I’m sure most others will be able to say the same.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???

It’s Hell out there! All the Christmas Numpties have caught on to those self-scan thingies at supermarkets, too. Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area. Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!

And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July? I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!

Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt. Hard.

And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas. And let me just tell you something:

THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!

You’re not going to starve to death! Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!

And is it just me, or is every cripple or anyone on wheels in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year? Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd seems to be blocking everyones way. And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!

And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same 40 songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…

Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.

Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – at Christmas mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!

You bastards!

If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.

POEM: “Advent Calendar” by Jamz

“Advent Calendar” by Jamz

I count down the days
To a Christmas alone,
When i thought I’d be with you.
How many windows did you open
And take a piece of my soul?
Do you even see the days anymore,
Or is each one a painful eternity
That you give sweetly to me?
Will you ever wake
And see my ghost in your cold breath?
Or do you no longer sigh my name
In your selfish sleep?
Did you feel my winter
When you reached out for me?
Then draw back your hand
And recoil
Because I used to be your summer?
Merry Christmas.

28.11.03

Holiday Rage

Holiday Rage

Right, first off, even that title pisses me off.  It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the Holiday Season’, ‘the Festive Period’ or whatever else you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!

Stop.  It.

https://i2.wp.com/www.liffeyvalley.ie/uploads/RTEmagicC_Festive-menu-promo.jpg.jpg

This year, most of us sensible ones will have managed to do almost all our CHRISTMAS shopping online.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???

It’s Hell out there!  I mostly use one of those self-scan thingies at the local supermarket to dodge the queues, but now all the Christmas Numpties have caught on to it, too.  Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area.  Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!

And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July?  I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!

Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt.  Hard.

And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas.  And let me just tell you something:

THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!

You’re not going to starve to death!  Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!

And what’s with all the wheelchairs and stuff?

Is it just me, or is every cripple in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year?

It’s no wonder so many shops are going bust – I couldn’t even get to the damn stuff for Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd they can.  And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!

https://i0.wp.com/www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/lha/lowres/lhan43l.jpg

And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…

Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.

Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!

You bastards!

If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.

https://i1.wp.com/www.sensualism.com/cuteness/tai-chan.jpg