Revenge Of The Spiders

Revenge Of The Spiders

Most of you are by now aware of my raging war against my sworn mortal enemy – the spider.

Well, it’s not ALL spiders.  A few weeks back, one of the other Legal Monkeys discovered a small spider on his desk.  He named him ‘Pablo’, and Pablo was a good spiddy, who never caused anyone any harm.

I saved him from the be-gloved hand of the cleaners several times, but whilst on holiday Pablo was brutally drowned in another of the Legal Monkeys can of Coke.

Not long before that I discovered ‘Lifty’ – a house spider who very weirdly would lay on his belly and lift all his legs in the air if you blew on him.

He’d gone before I could get the HD cam out for proper footage the following morning.

Fast forwarding to later that week, another huge (Bad) spider was having a swing around my house, no doubt planning all kinds of hairy-legged badness – and of course, being over the size of a small childs fingernail had to be killed for the sake of all humanity.

As he was a big ole bad boy, I couldn’t risk him grabbing hold of my Ginty Stick and beating me to death, so I drew my trusty air pistol and shot him.

It seems that this filthy great lummox of a spider had some connections, and last night I was the victim of a violation of terrible proportions…

As I sat alone on the couch, watching ‘The Inbetweeners’, I felt a wee itch on my shin.  I idly scratched at it only to feel it itch even more.

Thinking I had a fly up the leg of my jeans, or some fluff or something, I grabbed the leg of my jeans and gave it a good wiggle, and then



I think I was sick in my mouth a little with the shock, and the only small pleasure I could try and take from the whole ordeal was watching Legrape The Spider running around in circles as the legs on one side were all damaged where I’d scratched at him through my jeans!

After a while I put a sock over my hand and gently punched him to death.

The spider



Facebook NSPCC Cartoon Pics Campaign Is A Lie!

    Facebook NSPCC Cartoon Pics Campaign Is A Lie!

Well, when I first saw yet another ‘copy and paste this as your status’ thing on Facebook, I did my usual act of ignoring it – only something in this one caught my eye.

No, it wasn’t that I thought it was a great cause (OK, NSPCC is a good cause but if you believe a Facebook status you’re a bit of a N00b), but because of something else it was asking:

“Change your Facebook profile picture to a cartoon character from your childhood and invite your friends to do the same. Until Monday (December 6th), there should be no human faces on Facebook, but an invasion of memories. This is a campaign to stop violence against children”

Ooh! Change your pic to a cartoon you remember!!! This is one I had to do!

So I reposted the crap as my status, adding a bit on the end to say “(or possibly for Furry Lovers)”, because let’s face it, THEY are the only ones who are going to benefit from seeing cartoon animals all over the place when they log in, and then thought of a nice obscure charector to change my pic to:

Even funnier was watching what I’d put spreading over Facebook, because people obviously hadn’t read it properly! I corrupted Facebook!

Anyone know who he is??

A few may remember a cartoon called ‘Ox Tales’ from the 80s. I got up early one whole Summer holiday to watch it! I really wanted Gaylord the Gorilla, but couldn’t find a decent pic – so I had to use Ollie instead. Here’s the opening credits, with the funkiest theme tune ever:

So, a little lesson for you all once again – Facebook is all about bullshit and fun, and NOT saving the world!

With so many people now on Facebook, and a lot of those new to social internet stuff, far too many of them are taking things too seriously. Shit, a lot of my relatives have blocked me on Facebook because of my statuses!

I guess they want everyone to know that Nan is ill with herpes, or that the dog was just sick on the baby.

Well I want to tell you all that I just had a turd like Frank Bruno’s leg, and then link you to a video of a gorilla raping a frog.

And fuck you if you don’t see the entertainment value in that.


It’s just got even betterer!!!

Now it’s being claimed that PAEDOPHILES are the ones responsible for the chain status, and everyone is taking off their cartoon pics as fast as they can!!

FFS people, have a think, will you?

How the feck is a Paedo going to benefit in any way from people having cartoon pics on Facebook?!

Like I said – it’s the FURRY LOVERS you need to be watching!

Worship Your Weak Heros

Worship Your Weak Heros

The world is going to shit.

Kids are unruly at best, and stab each other in the japs-eye at worst (or if they live in London), the criminals have more rights than your average law abiding citizen, and a ‘celebrity’ buying a new thong carries more news headlines than a natural disaster.

Adults don’t even read anymore, and if they do its childrens books about wizards!

WTF is going on?

I’ll tell you what: We don’t have any role models.  The closest we get to a role model is a choice between an alcoholic wife-beating rapist of a footballer, or a poncey metrosexual hen-pecked fashion whore of a footballer.

Ooh!  Choices, choices…

What we don’t have is any real Hero’s anymore.  Even in fiction, our ‘Hero’s aren’t exactly the Herculean, err… Hercules or even a pre-horeseriding-accident Superman.

Oh no – we get weak, pansy-assed weeds like this:

Don’t get me wrong – whilst the books in the whole LOTR series bored me more than an impotent Vicar at a lapdancing club, I actually enjoyed the films quite a lot.  Apart from one thing, which – as you may have guessed – are the hairy-toed limp-dicks pictured above.

Hobbits.  Yeah, sure – have them in the film doing their thing, but FFS don’t make THEM the Hero’s!  They’re the cute little aside as the Hero sweeps through actually getting stuff DONE!  Nobody should want to BE a damned Hobbit!

Horrible, sneaky little weak, scared, indecisive, couldn’t-punch-their-way-out-of-a-wet-paper-bag dick-heads!!!

And just as everyone is getting over them and back to decent LARP costumes like Barbarians and Evil DeathfuckI’mhards, who comes along???

This twat:

They’re all a lot like Superman, actually – no, not the one with the head-stick and dribble – I mean the spastic that was Clark Kent before he took his glasses off.  As if he forgot he was actually Superman and never got around to saving anything but Dungeons & Dragons playing cards.

We all look up to Clark Kent as our Hero and role model rather than Superman, and nobody is saying “Hey wait a minute!  Where’s the passion?  Where’s the power?  Where’s the fucking HERO-ness???”

Then again, none of us could tell the difference between Clark Kent and Superman as long as he wore glasses and used less hairgel, so is it really all that surprising…?