Biker Vs The World Part 24

If you’ve been following me on YouTube you’ll know all about my infamous ‘Biker Vs The World’ videos.

These are a compilation of ‘incidents’ from my helmet cam footage onboard my bikes.

Whilst the clips everyone wants to see are those where I almost get killed by idiot car drivers, or where I get involved in road rage, I do try to inject a bit of humour and even ‘feels’ into them – you’ll see the trucker at the end of this one!

The first clip in Part 24 is a recent one from a terrible rainy morning. A Mini had sped past me and I was loosely following. He went through a crossroads where a car was waiting, and as I approached I was in direct line of sight to the – let’s call him a Cunt, because he is – Cunt, he waited until I got even closer and then went directly across the road in front of me.

I had to slam on my brakes, and the ONLY reason I didn’t crash right there was because that piece of road is covered in Shell Grip. I was looking for a place to turn around to go and batter the absolute fuck of that Cunt (and I don’t actually know if it was a man or woman driving, because I couldn’t see – I just get the feeling this was a male), but there wasn’t a handy turning place.

There was no excuse.

Incidentally, I almost burst a blood vessel in my neck or something when I shouted. That hurt.

Enjoy:

 

Braindead Car Drivers With Aids

Braindead Car Drivers With Aids

I went out for a good long ride the other day along the scenic and fun roads around Shropshire, but almost didn’t make it that far because of this incident just a few minutes into my journey:

Now, firstly I need to stress to you how important it is to make sure you’re ‘switched on’ whenever you’re on the bike.  It’s easy to get complacent when you’re only just setting out, and even more so when you’re close to home on your return.

In the video, you see the car ahead of me is positioned over to the right hand side of the road approaching the roundabout.  He is actually up against the right hand curb as he’s going around the roundabout, before suddenly and without indicating he cuts across to take the left exit.  Almost taking me out.

His road positioning and percieved intention to turn right is exagerated even more because the car ahead of him took the correct positioning and line, making his actions even more deceptive.

I had plenty of room to go around the left hand side of the car, but to be honest I was expecting such a stupid move, so hung back.  You could say my Spidey Sense was tingling, and it saved me.

You’ll notice that afterwards I overtake the car.  There are several reasons for this – firstly what you can’t see is that I was gesticulating to the driver as I was alongside.  When I pulled in front I was switching my indicators on and off and pointing at them.  Do you think he learnt anything?  Doubtful.

Secondly, I believe that it’s better to have the idiots as far behind you as possible, where they can’t cause you any damage.  If they’re still in front they’re still dangerous, as they can brake and reverse or do other mental stuff.

What exactly are we doing to educate drivers?  Other than the million to one chance of them getting caught being Nobbers by the Police, we’re creating hundreds of driver aids to make the cars safer.

Sorry?

We’re making the CARS safer, taking even more responsibility away from the driver?!  Meaning they have even less need to concentrate, because the cars will brake, stabilise themselves, keep within the road markings and protect the dumbass occupants when they do end up upside down in a ditch?

Maybe we should be taking all the driver aids away and surrounding the driver with sharpened metal spikes facing inwards, so they might start to learn that their pissing about behind the wheel has CONSEQUENCES.

Simoncelli Fatal Moto GP Crash – RIP Sideshow Bob

Simoncelli Fatal Moto GP Crash – RIP Sideshow Bob

I woke up late today, having missed the Moto GP race from Malaysia which was screened in the early hours of this morning, and logging onto Facebook was shocked to the core to see a lot of statuses saying that 24 year old Italian racer Marco Simoncelli was dead.

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Not fully wanting to believe it, I clicked on a link to the video.  If you haven’t seen the one doing the rounds, it shows Colin Edwards and Valentino Rossi battling it out.  They come around a right-hander, and just before the exit you see Simoncelli come into shot, hanging off to the right of his bike, obviously in big trouble, and he comes straight across from the left in front of Rossi and Edwards.

You see Edwards brake and try his best to tighten his line, but there’s no chance.  He hits Simoncelli directly in the back just before Rossi, alongside him, also hits him in the head…

It was quite similar to the crash which claimed the life of Shoya Tomizawa in Moto 2 last year.

I’m gutted.

This year I’ve grown to really like Simoncelli, aka Sideshow Bob.  He’s exactly the sort of character that Moto GP needed in an otherwise fairly crap year.  I was fully behind him when he had what was blatantly a ‘racing incident’ with Pedrosa, after which a few of the top riders condemned Simoncelli’s riding style.  For what?  Overtaking?  Racing?  Making the sport exciting again???

I think with him becoming the underdog after this it really sealed it for me – he was a new favourite!

And he was really funny in interviews (not just because of his ridiculously huge hair) – telling Lorenzo after he’d had a whinge that he might have to be arrested.

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He also had one of those distinctive riding styles that was instantly recognisable.  He was a big lad, so against all the other jockey-sized riders it was knees and elbows all over the place – and of course he was FAST!

Without a doubt he’d have been a championship winner.

It’s a very sad day for the sport.  It’s strange how much it’s hit me, considering I don’t really know him.

My thoughts go out to his friends and family – and also to Edwards and Rossi.  I hope they can find peace with themselves through the tragedy.

I’ll miss watching you, Sideshow Bob – ride free, dude!

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EDIT RE FATAL CRASH VIDEO

As mentioned, the first I knew was a Facebook status and a link to the video of the accident.

The video is… a crash video.  Sure, it’s shocking because you know someone lost their life, and being the one to hit them you can bet that Colin Edwards and Valentino Rossi are having a very tough time of it.

A lot of people are instantly getting the footage banned when it shows up (hence me not bothering to try and link to it here) saying it’s disrespectful etc… but why?  There’s no disrespect in watching a great riders final moments, and I’m glad I got to see it, because otherwise I wouldn’t believe it – I just wouldn’t know all the facts.  Watch the video and you can see how tragic it was, and how unavoidable.  It was Simoncellis skill at being able to save the lowside on his knee  that took him back across the track, whereas a less skilled rider would have just been in the gravel… and ironically, safe.

If you don’t want to watch it – don’t.  But don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t be able to see.  Censorship is NEVER a good thing.  This happened in front of millions, and if you think your crusade to stop anyone seeing it will work you’re deluding yourself.  Just don’t watch it.  It’s that simple.

I will watch it again, and I’ll feel the loss just as much.  Right now I’m raising a glass to Marco Simoncelli and toasting a great racer.

Revenge Of The Spiders

Revenge Of The Spiders

Most of you are by now aware of my raging war against my sworn mortal enemy – the spider.

Well, it’s not ALL spiders.  A few weeks back, one of the other Legal Monkeys discovered a small spider on his desk.  He named him ‘Pablo’, and Pablo was a good spiddy, who never caused anyone any harm.

I saved him from the be-gloved hand of the cleaners several times, but whilst on holiday Pablo was brutally drowned in another of the Legal Monkeys can of Coke.

Not long before that I discovered ‘Lifty’ – a house spider who very weirdly would lay on his belly and lift all his legs in the air if you blew on him.

He’d gone before I could get the HD cam out for proper footage the following morning.

Fast forwarding to later that week, another huge (Bad) spider was having a swing around my house, no doubt planning all kinds of hairy-legged badness – and of course, being over the size of a small childs fingernail had to be killed for the sake of all humanity.

As he was a big ole bad boy, I couldn’t risk him grabbing hold of my Ginty Stick and beating me to death, so I drew my trusty air pistol and shot him.

It seems that this filthy great lummox of a spider had some connections, and last night I was the victim of a violation of terrible proportions…

As I sat alone on the couch, watching ‘The Inbetweeners’, I felt a wee itch on my shin.  I idly scratched at it only to feel it itch even more.

Thinking I had a fly up the leg of my jeans, or some fluff or something, I grabbed the leg of my jeans and gave it a good wiggle, and then

A BIG FILTHY GREAT SPIDER DROPPED OUT ONTO THE CARPET!!!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I was sick in my mouth a little with the shock, and the only small pleasure I could try and take from the whole ordeal was watching Legrape The Spider running around in circles as the legs on one side were all damaged where I’d scratched at him through my jeans!

After a while I put a sock over my hand and gently punched him to death.

The spider

SCREW YOU, LEGRAPE!!!

SCREW YOU!!!

From Video Games To The Track…

From Video Games To The Track…

So I booked the track day on the Donington Park GP circuit!

First ever time on track, all on my lonesome, and I also decided to hire a bike I’d never even sat on before to do it on!  My thoughts turned to trying to make things easier for me…

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I’ve heard many time of top racing drivers/riders who have learned tracks from video games before they got there.  If it was good enough for Rossi, then it’d be good enough for me!

I looked around to find the latest with Donington GP on was ‘SBK 09’ on the Xbox 360.  I’d played Donington lots of times before on older games, so knew it roughly, and of course I’ve spectated there loads of times.  The game was late ariving, so I rented a copy and got stuck in over the weekend…

Good job, too!  There were a couple of corners on the older games that were nothing at all like the ones on SBK!  Mainly because they were a shitload sharper!

I posted on a few forums asking how much it was possible to learn from a game and got very mixed answers.  I figured at worst I’d get to know if the next corner was going to go left or right.  Or I’d find a 1st gear chicane in the middle of what I thought was a 6th gear straight!

I played quite a bit over the weekend, and to be honest it was a bit scary because even trying to play it as if I was going to get hurt I still went off the track and awful lot of times.  Ah.

What was I doing a track day for?  Had I made a mistake?

I also planned to ride my bike to the circuit and back, so if I killed the hire bike there was a good chance I wouldn’t be able to get my bike home on my crippled-ass broken legs and sticky-out-boned arms.

I have a problem with Red Mist, and whatever I try and tell myself, if someone overtakes me quickly I WILL give chase and see if I can beat them!

How would it work out?

Expensive?

Pain?

This morning I headed off to Donington Park at 06:15am to do something I’ve wanted to all my life, and now feared more than a little, and maybe was even beginning to regret booking…

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Best Videos EVER (Part 2)

Best Videos EVER (Part 2)

10. Boobas New Shoes

11. Arab Drifting

12. Holy Ghost VS Pendulum & MC GQ – Baptazia

13. Dont fall asleep at the game

14. Reporter turns ghetto in 3 seconds

15. Thrust SSC goes supersonic

This one just blows my mind!  I always thought it was just driving in a straight line, but this shows different.  Watch out for the full steering lock and the line “700(mph)… just about in control… on the wrong line… don’t worry about it…”.  That’s about as close to death as it gets!

16. Travis Pastrana Backflip Tricycle

17. Terry Tate – Office Linebacker – Original Pilot

18. Crossing a Colombian bridge

Hope you enjoyed them as much as I do!

Best Videos EVER (Part 1)

Best Videos EVER (Part 1)

You have to admit that YouTube is just brilliant!  So many hours have disappeared after I just went to watch one video clip on there, and then spent the rest of the night clicking links.  So I thought I’d share my personal favourites from over the years with you!

I hope you enjoy these as much as I do, and hope there are at least a few here that you’ve never seen before.

1. Charlie Bit Me

An all-time classic with nearly 10 million views!

2. Cat vs Printer

3. Ice Diving Face Plant

4. Ultimate Sleeper Drag

I love the sound of this one, and the reaction of the crowd!

5. Hairdryer prank

6. Stick Guns

Awesome short film that takes me back to my childhood!

7. Interrupting a parade WIN

8. The Ultimate Pisshead!

9. Japanese Crystal Ball Performer (Contact Juggling)