Return of the Duck Face

Return of the Duck Face

Wow.

It’s been a while since I actually wrote a full-on ranty blog. It’s not because I haven’t had anything to rant about – more because I couldn’t be arsed, and am happy to see the daily views ticking over from you pervs reading my erotic stories.

Anyway, sneaking a look over someone’s shoulder earlier today, I was pleased to discover them flicking through a few pics of a rather good looking Facebook friend.

Or she WOULD have been good-looking, except every picture looked like this:

My initial thought was “What in the blue-waffled FK are you doing???”

Had I stumbled onto the promotional manager for the new Zoolander film, trying shit out??

Maybe I was witnessing a rare cancer of the lips, or someone who’d had some kind of -ing accident with an airtight sandwich grill??

No – it seems that the duck face/trout pout trend is still going strong.

A quick look through some other peoples pics showed more of the same.

Now, I know I’m not up with current trends and fashions, so maybe I should give the benefit of the doubt here?

Are there people out there who do find this look attractive??

There must be some reason why women do this in the first place?  I mean, you looked great until you started doing that crazy shit with your mouth!  And I don’t mean THAT crazy shit…

Are you looking at your selfie (with obligatory toilet, Anal Glide or abandoned toddler in the background), and actually seeing something else through your poor, slack (to hide the wrinkles) eyes?

Just SMILE, you knobs!

Maybe I should also categorise this blog under ‘erotica’ so you duck-billed wankers can jerk off to that, too?

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

You didn’t think I’d let this day pass without bitchslapping it around the back of the head, did you?  You DID?  Shame on you!

I used to like Halloween.  I still do, I guess… but all you fuckers are getting it all WRONG and ruining it!!!

It’s a pagan festival, where in England we all traditionally dress in masks with lanterns and go out and beat Priests and Vicars to death.

OK, so that might not be true, but either way it’s supposed to be scary and fun.

Did you hear that?  SCARY and fun.

Sure, take your kids around to old biddie’s houses and give them heart attacks, and throw a Halloween party, but what in the blue-arsed-baboon FUCK is all this about:

https://i2.wp.com/super-ways.com/images/Supergirl.jpg

This is your typical Halloween costume these days.  Stupid shit like fairies and Alice-in-fucking-Wonderland and ‘sexy pirates’… fuck what have ANY damned pirates got to do with Halloween???

Ghouls… Werewolves… ok I’ll give you vampires, and they can be sexy, but that’s supposed to be a BY-PRODUCT of the whole vampire thing!  Halloween shouldn’t be about sexy costumes and trying to get laid!  Is it any wonder our kids are all fucking each other from the age of ten with this shit being forced down our (deep) throats?

So we used to dress up as murderous non-sexy creatures and try to extort cash and sweets from people.  We never took our parents out with us!

https://i2.wp.com/deathensemble.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/Michael-cleans-out-Haddonfields-trash.jpg

How the hell are The Big Kids supposed to go out ‘Ghost Busting’* when their parents are stood behind them the whole time?

And when Little Johnny’s string-vested just-out-of-prison Dad is stood glaring at you from the top of your path, you feel strangely inclined to give them lots of money and sweets and a can of Tennant’s Super rather than tell them to Sod Off and slam the door in their face.

Do they still say “TRICK OR TREAT” when you answer the door, or is it just a moody “Give.” these days?  And what’s the ‘trick’?

Getting stabbed by a bunch of 16 year old Chavs with their hoodies up to look like ghosts?

We’ll probably do the same as last year, and just egg any little bastards that come around from the upper windows of our house, all hopped up on Red Bull and the boiled sweets we’ve bought for ourselves.

Witches… Ghosts… Spiders… Girl Scouts???

http://x3a.xanga.com/eeff812553635271799271/z216782618.jpg

Give me a break!  It’s more like Fap-oween!

*Ghost Busting – when the Big Kids take the piss out of your costume, beat you up, and/or take all your money and sweets.  It was ‘fun’.

Male Breasts Are As Sexual As Womens!

Male Breasts Are As Sexual As Womens!

[RANT ON]

All the time in adverts and everywhere, I get tits shoved in my face.

Of course, I’m not talking about WOMENS breasts here, because that would be Indecent & Obscene.

I’m talking about MALE BREASTS.

I remember around 10 years ago, there was a TV advert for Neutralia shower gel, which showed a woman in the shower in that usual vaguely erotic but unrevealing way, then all of a sudden she ran a soapy hand over one breast and-

*DOI-OI-OI-OINNNNG*

https://i1.wp.com/www.tv-talent.co.uk/images/Index/TVAdverts/Neutralia.jpg

The nipple popped out from between her fingers!  There was utter outrage at the vile nudity.  The advert was banned.

Compare that to the adverts you see today for Lynx or Gillette:  A man is totally topless, with possibly even a woman (or two) rubbing his chest and nipples to show how sexy he is.

https://i0.wp.com/www.visit4ads.com/sitecontent/LG/fullZZZZZZTVC030617142627PIC.jpg

I don’t want to fucking see that!  I’m deeply offended and disgusted at having mens tits pop out of the screen while i’m trying to eat my Shepherds Pie!

So what the fuck is this double-standard?

We can show topless males but not topless females???  Where’s this ‘Equal Rights For The Sexes’ shit gone???

What’s the difference?  Most females have more fat in their breasts than a male.  That’s IT.

So, let’s look at the arguments that women give:

1.  “A womans breasts are more sexual.”  Bull-fuckin-shit!!!  What man doesn’t like his nipples licked/sucked/touched sexually?  Unless you have leprosy, you should have feeling there.

2.  “It’s obscene because men get turned on by seeing a womans breasts.”  Well -ing DURRRR!!!  And women don’t get turned on in the slightest by seeing man-mammories?  You’ve got to be shitting me?!

3.  “Womens breasts are more sacred.”  Oh, so women are better than men, now, huh???  I’ll have you know my breasts are pretty sacred too!  JESUS had similar breasts to ME!  Not you, you foul, stinking sexist wench!!!

4.  “It’s the same as seeing a man’s penis.”  No it fucking well isn’t!  Seeing a womans PUSSY is the same as seeing a man’s PENIS.  What part of this don’t you understand???  When men say “Show us yer tits!”, your response of “Show us yer dick first!” is just fucked in the head!

5.  “Mens breasts have always been shown, but women’s haven’t.”  Oh, alright then – well, women were always smacked the shit out of, dragged around by their hair, and the toilet seat was always left fucking UP!  Let’s go back to that, shall we?

6.  “Stop trying to start a fight with me – I’m all hormonal.”  Yes – that’s the only fucking reason you have, isn’t it?  A mans naked upper body is just a less-lumpy version of a female, isn’t it????

Aww, don’t cry!  Shit, I’m sorry – you’re right.  C’mere and give me a big pillowy hug…

[RANT OFF]

https://i0.wp.com/www.e-forwards.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/sexy-man-interview-spelling-33.jpeg

“And then gently holding her thong to the side, he slid inside her…”

I used to be one of the main instigators for ‘Sex Blog Thursday’ on MySpace – where everyone would contribute by posting an erotic story or poem.  It’s quite shocking to think that it all ended 5 years ago, now!  Since then, I’ve been threatening to re-post some of the erotic short stories I wrote for this, but with most of my alias being now known through Facebook and stuff, I was too scared.

With the suddent spurting all over the scene by E L James and the ’50 Shades of Grey’ books, erotic fiction has now gone mainstream!  So, much as I tried to do with SBT, I’m going to post some of my erotica again to balance things out, and hopefully show that to be ‘erotic’ doesn’t mean you have to include bondage, spanking, and showing dolls up your arse to write something sexy.  You might even find some humour in my stories, too!  And so why not plunge in slow and deep with this one:

“And then gently holding her thong to the side, he slid inside her…”

https://i2.wp.com/cdnimg.visualizeus.com/thumbs/d1/66/denim,girl,hand,jeans,meaningful,panties-d166b3771a761299b556d02a9af5e38b_h.jpg

Yeah, they were bad – but as his finger stroked her own juices over her clit for the first time, neither of them cared.

With her parents in the room above them, only her gentle sigh broke the silence of the house, and she twisted next to him on the couch so that he could move his hands easier beneath her skirt.

He kissed her hard, one arm around her back as his other hand worked deep beneath her black lacy underwear.  The curve of her hips always seemed designed for his hands, and he pulled her tighter towards him.

Breaking off the kiss with another gasp, her hair fell forward over her face as her hands scrabbled at his trousers.

He took the moment to deeply inhale the clean smell of her hair, her perfume topping it off as she released him to the cool air in the room.

She pushed him back firmly as her hot lips slid over him, tongue flicking at him, only taking him in her mouth for a few strokes before he sat back on the couch herself.

He smiled, slipping off the couch to his knees, a hand on each of her spread thighs running up to move her skirt higher, then pulling her hips sharply towards his own as he shuffled closer between her legs.

She hooked a finger around the delicate material of her thong, and pulled it to one side, watching his face as he followed her fingers.

No further invitation was needed, but the hushed “I want your cock” sent tingles down his spine just as much as the feeling of his tip against her warm wetness.

He slid slowly and deliberately all the way inside her, watching himself sink into her, and only looking up to see her head thrown back in ecstasy when he could push in no further.

He held himself there, and then lifted her hips off the couch, pulling her even more onto him, watching her face intently.  He lowered her as he slowly slid all the way out of her, her eyes flicking open to meet his for a fleeting second before he thrust quickly and deeply into her, lifting her with his hands again.

This time she cried out, biting the knuckles of one hand to stifle the cry, and grabbing at his arms.

Leaning forwards over her as he fucked her rhythmically, his hands moved to her breasts, and hers clawed at the back of his shirt.

She pushed him away from her, and turned herself so she was on all fours bent over the couch.

He pulled her thong to the side once again, before grabbing her hips hard and plunging into her again, slowing as the couch creaked, then speeding up again, unable to stop themselves as she pushed back hard against him with each thrust.

Both sweating now, she turned back around, arms around his neck as they kissed and moved with each other.

She buried her face against his shoulder to stop herself from crying out, feeling his body starting to tense up, and that’s when the bedroom door above them opened!

They both stopped dead, listening to the footsteps to see if they were headed down the stairs, and she clenched tightly around him, hoping to stop him from cumming.

He let out a throaty yelp as his orgasm came, the feel of her around him pushing him over the edge rather than holding him back, and her arms wrapped around him almost painfully as his spasms took her into her own release.

For long moments they stayed like that together, thankfully hearing the footsteps moving to the bathroom upstairs.

“I didn’t want you to cum!”  She whispered. “I thought that would stop you!”

He groaned and kissed her.

“No chance when you feel that good…”

https://i2.wp.com/lh3.ggpht.com/-sJ5ArrtImXE/T3Ul_KmxAtI/AAAAAAAABB8/x4EfJ8sIKN4/hand%252520in%252520panties_thumb%25255B3%25255D.jpg

Should We Allow Gay Marriage In The UK?

Should We Allow Gay Marriage In The UK?

https://i2.wp.com/static.happyplace.com/assets/images/2011/08/4e4e727374deb.jpg

Let me ask you another question:

If you’re straight, why do you care?

Is it honestly going to affect you in any way at all if two people who love each other choose to marry each other and wear a ring?

If you answered ‘yes’ either of these questions it’s because you’re some religious head-the-ball who shouldn’t be allowed to play with the rest of us in society anyway, or you’re some trouble-making bigot with nothing better to worry about in your life than bullshit ‘issues’ that don’t even affect you. Oh, hang on – are they both the same thing, anyway? Hmm…

I just don’t understand why anyone wants to stop someone else being happy with their life – as long as their life doesn’t hurt or adversely affect anybody else.

And let’s face it – who does gay marriage hurt? It might mean a straight man can’t have his dream lesbian threesome because it would be against the laws of marriage… but then again how many (straight) married couples are into swinging and dogging and swapping, anyway?

Many of these religious types so opposed to gay marriages are, ironically, well-known for having gay sex. With small children.

https://i1.wp.com/www.exgirlfriendbrides.com/amateur-bride-sex/Lesbian-Wedding-Kissing_8C7E/lesbian-couple-shares-a-kiss.jpg

But let’s flip the coin here for a moment!

Why would anyone want to be part of any religious ceremony for a religion that hates them, anyway?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to tell the Church to fuck off and die, and say it loud and proud that you don’t need some bullshit ceremony to support your way of life?!

And if these filthy rotten homo’s are cheapening that whole concept of marriage, just what the Hell is the official line about rampant whore-slag fuck-anythings like Katie Price aka Jordan, or Jodie Marsh who even had a TV program called “Who’s going to take her up the aisle”?

Get a grip, people!

https://i2.wp.com/i.teddyhilton.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/dog-supports-gay-marriage-web__oPt.jpg

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

Nasty Evil Ninja’s Halloween Blog

https://i1.wp.com/www.stuartduncan.name/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/halloween.jpg

You didn’t think I’d let this day pass without bitchslapping it around the back of the head, did you?  You DID?  Shame on you!

I used to like Halloween.  I still do, I guess… but all you fuckers are getting it all WRONG and ruining it!!!

It’s a pagan festival, where in England we all traditionally dress in masks with lanterns and go out and beat Priests and Vicars to death.

OK, so that might not be true, but either way it’s supposed to be scary and fun.

Did you hear that?  SCARY and fun.

Sure, take your kids around to old biddie’s houses and give them heart attacks, and throw a Halloween party, but what in the blue-arsed-baboon FUCK is all this about:

https://i2.wp.com/theswankcity.com/files/2009/10/leg-avenue-halloween-costumes.jpg

This is your typical Halloween costume these days.  Stupid shit like fairies and Alice-in-fucking-Wonderland and ‘sexy pirates’… fuck, what have ANY damned pirates got to do with Halloween??? 

Ghouls… Werewolves… Witches… ok I’ll give you vampires, and they CAN be sexy, but that’s supposed to be a BY-PRODUCT of the whole vampire thing!  Halloween shouldn’t be about sexy costumes and trying to get laid!  Is it any wonder our kids are all fucking each other from the age of ten with this shit being forced down our (deep) throats?

https://i1.wp.com/www.3wishes.com/images/develishhottie-r.jpg

So, yes, we used to dress up as murderous non-sexy creatures and try to extort cash and sweets from people.  We never took our parents out with us, either!

How the hell are The Big Kids supposed to go out ‘Ghost Busting’* when their parents are stood behind them the whole time?

And when Little Johnny’s string-vested just-out-of-prison Dad is stood glaring at you from the top of your path, you feel strangely inclined to give them lots of money and sweets and a can of Tennants Super rather than tell them to Sod Off and slam the door in their face.

Do they still say “TRICK OR TREAT?” when you answer the door, or is it just a moody “Give.” these days?  And what’s the ‘trick’?

Getting stabbed by a bunch of 16 year old Chavs with their hoodies up to look like ghosts?

Witches… Ghosts… Spiders… Girl Scouts???

https://i2.wp.com/www.labeshops.com/image/cache/data/bewicked/BW967-800x800.jpg

It’s not about dressing as a zombie, serial killer or ghost now – it’s about dressing like that slut who should never be allowed out of the bedroom.  Don’t get me wrong – I’m alllllllllllll for that – but I’m not trying to kid myself that you’re dressing for Halloween and not a hardcore fetish porno.

*Ghost Busting – when the Big Kids take the piss out of your costume, beat you up, and/or take all your money and sweets.  It was ‘fun’.

EROTIC STORY: “Not Allowed”

EROTIC STORY: “Not Allowed”

She shivered as he pushed his fingertips gently through the hair at the side of her head, his warm palm covering her ear as he pulled her soft lips towards his own, hard at first with hunger, and then softly – like he was tasting a fine wine.

He used the same hand to draw her head back, and she kept her eyes closed for a moment as she held onto the feeling of that kiss, finally opening them to meet his own blue eyes. Usually bright blue, they were almost black now – a sure sign his mind was totally on her and what was to happen next.

The kitchen around them faded, and he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close enough so that he could bury his nose in her wet hair. He loved the way she smelt when she’d just got out of the shower. The way all her skin felt so soft and warm. Even the ultra-soft white dressing gown she wore.

Sliding a hand inside it, he smoothed his hand up over her belly, fingers caressing the side of her breast as they kissed again.

She pulled his hips into hers, feeling him already hard through his jeans.

Pushing him back, her fingers unzipped his flies.

He grabbed her ass in both hands hard, pulling her to his chest and lifting her up off her feet, sitting her on the cold wood of the table, making her gasp and grin at the same time.

He kissed that grin, opening her gown and sliding it off her shoulders as she dropped his jeans to the floor with his boxers still inside them. She reached for him but he pushed her back down onto the table.

He stripped the shirt over his head, before pulling her roughly to the edge of the table, her legs wrapping around his waist, and his penis dangerously close to her.

Leaning over her, he kissed softly at her breasts, sucking a nipple as she ground herself against his hardness, feeling her moisture spread over his shaft. She squirmed to try and position herself for him to enter her, but he pulled back, standing upright again, but still resting up against her.

“No.” he said through a smile, thrusting slowly forwards so that his whole length ran against hers and back down again.

She moved again, trying to embrace his tip, and let out a small cry as he pulled himself back from her yet again.

Staying between her legs, he grabbed a couple of cushions from the chairs, once more leaning over her – and sliding against her clit again – as he placed them under her head, tenderly kissing her. She felt his dick twitch as he kissed her, and her whole body tensed in frustration and need.

Then he stood upright again, very slowly dragging his fingertips down the sides of her body – tickling her ribs, leaving trails of fire over her hips, moving up and in over her inner thighs. She gasped his name.

His fingers wrapped around his own shaft, and then swirled over his head, spreading her juices over himself. She went to sit up and reach for him, but he gently but firmly pressed on her stomach with his other hand, pinning her back down.

He gripped his shaft and moaned as he ran his cock along her again, slowly, holding himself against her entrance for what seemed like an eternity, and then working his hand steadily up and down. When she glanced up she was surprised to see that he wasn’t looking down there – he was watching her face.

She held the eye contact, and realised how hard she was breathing – and how much he was turning her on. She could see from his face how much she was turning him on, too.

His eyes dropped, looking at her pussy, darting over the curves of her hips and her breasts. His hand stroked at her belly, too where it still rested on her.

But always his eyes sought out her own, and stayed on them for the longest.

She wanted to touch him. She wanted his hands to be hers. She wanted him inside her.

Instead she watched him as he watched her. She wasn’t even aware that she’d been playing with her nipples until she moved her hands slowly down over her body, and it was like an electric surge through her whole aching body as she touched her clit.

He watched her hands travel, and she watched his own hand, moving in that hypnotic motion. She spread herself wide open for him, his cock only millimetres from the wetness that was by now dripping from her.

Her mouth hung open in anticipation, hoping he would take the invitation and plunge himself deep inside her – but also hoping that he wouldn’t.

He didn’t.

She could feel his warmth he was that close to her, and her mind was in overdrive with the teasing.

He felt the same, half crazy with his own need for her, and his pre-cum dripped onto her – something she might not normally notice, but her and now she convulsed, her legs dragging him against her, and she cried out loudly as his cock again touched her clit.

But he pulled away again – his smile lost this time in his own pleasure. She fought desperately against her orgasm, and held herself right on the brink. His hand working up and down so close to her…

He was close, too, his eyes half closing, and as she reached between her legs again to open herself to him, he came hard, back arching as his stream shot over her, some shooting into her wet hole as she crashed into her own orgasm with one slightest touch at her clit.

He looked down at his cum over her belly. It was so sexy.

Heavily flushed, she lifted herself into a sitting position, and this time he embraced her, kissing her shaky mouth as they held each other tightly – neither having any words that could say more than the post-orgasmic shudders that hit their trembling bodies in waves…

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