Angelina Is Not Pretty!

Angelina Is Not Pretty!

After having previously ranted about ‘Unfunny’ Owen Wilson, who seems to be ruining every comedy film of the last 5 years, I feel it’s only right to focus on some of the Hollywood wenches who piss me off.

One of the most publicised stars of the big screen over the last 10 years is the stunningly beautiful Angelina Jolie.

All women want to BE Angelina.

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Those huge lips… beautiful looks… her sexiness and attitude…

She’s been voted World’s Sexiest Woman in just about every magazine – both those aimed at men AND women.

Men drool over her.

*sound of a record scratching to a halt*

Why?

Right from back in 1995 when she was in ‘Hackers’ I was one of the few left there with a look on my face like I’d farted halfway through a yawn, whilst everyone raved about her.  Don’t get me wrong – she’ ‘ok’.  I’d probably fuck her till her nose ran if I was high on crack and she was grinding on me like an old rickety collie having a fit.  I’d agree she probably was the perfect choice to play Lara Croft.

Only… I’m not a Geek, and video game characters don’t turn me on either.  So I stayed silent about this – until recently…

Have any of you seen ‘Changeling’ yet?

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She.  Looks.  Rough.

Does anyone disagree with me here?  It’s only now that I can point out her big half-moon concave looks-like-someone-kicked-a-football-into-her-chops that I’ve found HIGHLY disturbing in all her films!  And that includes Mr And Mrs Smith – which I think is her best film.

And that brings me to something else!  She’s EVERYWHERE, right?  Star of a million great films – the best actress of our time etc, right?  Umm… and then you actually take a good look at the list of films she’s been in:

# Wanted (2008)
# Changeling (2008)
# Kung Fu Panda (2008) (voice)
# Beowulf (2007)
# A Mighty Heart (2007)
# The Good Shepherd (2006)
# Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)
# Alexander (2004)
# The Fever (2004)
# Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)
# Shark Tale (2004) (voice)
# Taking Lives (2004)
# Beyond Borders (2003)
# Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life (2003)
# Life or Something Like It (2002)
# Original Sin (2001)
# Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001)
# Gone in Sixty Seconds (2000)
# Girl, Interrupted (1999)
# The Bone Collector (1999)
# Pushing Tin (1999)
# Playing by Heart (1998)
# Hell’s Kitchen (1998)
# Playing God (1997)
# Foxfire (1996)
# Mojave Moon (1996)
# Love Is All There Is (1996)
# Hackers (1995)
# Without Evidence (1995)
# Cyborg 2 (1993)
# Alice & Viril (1993)
# Angela & Viril (1993)
# Lookin’ to Get Out (1982)


Well slap me ’round the face with a dehydrated chicken if there aren’t only about FIVE damned films in that list that even scrape into the Good Film category – let alone Great Films!

I have nooooooooo idea what the majority of those films are.  Sky Captain and the World Of Tomorrow?!??!  They’re making that shit up now!

So what is it?  A winning personality?

Umm… isn’t she a bit of a morbid bitch who likes knife-fighting with her sexual partners?  Three marriages?  Possible affairs?  And she seems to be adopting like it’s a new fashion (which is still FAR better than buying tiny fucking rat-dogs).

Do you know what I think?

I think ALL her publicity and status is created by women.  Women who are jealous of her because she’s porked Brad Pitt… and even more so because she ‘won’ him from Jennifer Aniston.

Kind-of ironic…

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EROTIC STORY: “On A Crowded Train…”

EROTIC STORY: “On A Crowded Train…”

When he whispered urgently in her ear, “Take them off”, she wasted no time in pushing through the crowded train to the toilet.

After pressing her back against his throbbing erection one more time, of course.

She returned and greeted him with a kiss as he pulled her to him.

“Give them to me.”

She retrieved her thongs from her purse and stuffed them into his jacket pocket, knowing he thought she was calling his bluff.

His eyes sparkled as he ran his strong hands over her hips, down the mini-skirt and dragging his nails gently over the exposed flesh of her thighs.

“What do you want to do to me?” she purred in his ear.

“I want you so much…” he replied.  One of the nearby passengers glanced their way, as if he’d overheard.  She felt herself get wetter at the sound of his voice and the thought that the stranger now knew what was coming as well as her.

She turned her back to him, and he slid his arms around her waist as she pressed against him again.

She eased forwards slightly and slipped her hand between them, sliding his zipper down and reaching inside.

He sighed in her ear as her warm hand wrapped around him, carefully guiding his penis out into the cool open air.

The train pulled into a stop, and she kept him in her hand, then just as the doors opened she slipped him between her legs, holding him between her thighs and pressed against her.

A few people stepped off the train, and more got on, creating even more of a crush.  She moved her hips slightly, her wetness letting him slide easily against her as she pushed him back harder into the corner.

As the doors closed, she slightly lifted one leg, and it was all she could do to stop herself crying out as he entered her quickly and easily.

He kissed her lightly on her neck, just below her ear and she shivered.  He was pressing hard against her g-spot.

She looked around her to see everyone was avoiding eye contact with everyone else, as usual.  It just looked like he was stood innocently with his arms around her.  She smiled, and wondered if any knew more was going on.  Maybe some were watching from the reflections in the window?

He lightly bit her earlobe, and she closed her eyes.  The constant buffeting from the train, and it’s subtle rocking motions were doing a lot more for the sensation than she thought they would.

His arms tightened around her as if he was thinking the same, then he quickly shifter her hips, and she was glad he’d tightened his grip to stop her from bending forwards.

They were both breathing deeply, hearts pounding so hard with the excitement it was a miracle if none of the people stood next to them couldn’t hear it!

She wanted to touch herself – she wanted his fingers touching her, but had to resist, instead grasping at the back of his thigh with one hand.  He responded by easing into her even more.

He smiled looking down at her and seeing her starting to flush over her chest.

She teased him inside her using her muscles, and he almost groaned out loud, quickly recovering it to fake a cough.

He throbbed inside her and she knew he was close, as was she, but the train slowed again as it pulled into a station.

As it braked she let the forces press her against him, feeling his whole body twitch subtly as he fought against his imminent orgasm.

She barely noticed the people moving past her through the open doors, staring intently at the Exit sign over the opposite door, so turned on that if anyone brushed her nipple as they squeezed through it would undoubtedly send her over the edge.

It seemed like an eternity until the door closed again, the acceleration pulling her slightly away from him and making her eyes roll back in her head.

She felt him swell inside her, and felt the heat as he came inside her as he pulled her back onto him, squeezing her hard around her middle, and she heard herself whimper far away as the rolling tides of her own orgasm crashed over her.

Her legs went weak and she sagged against him, turning her head to the window but knowing people had turned around at her cry.

He nuzzled into her neck, kissing her again.

She waited a few long minutes with him inside her, until they approached the next station.  As they slowed he withdrew from her and tucked himself away as the train came to a stop.  They both stepped off ahead of the crowd, and he wrapped his arms around her again.

Neither dared look back at the train at the accusing faces…  But they laughed…