Spy Didn’t Padlock Himself Into Bag Shocker!!!

Spy Didn’t Padlock Himself Into Bag Shocker!!!

I made the mistake of switching the 1 O’Clock News on today.  The lead story?

An inquest has found that an MI6 operative might not have padlocked himself inside a sports bag in his own bathtub.



This is wrong on soooooo many levels, that whilst I calm myself and stop making spakka noises at the TV, I shall give you a link to the full story:


MI6 officer inquest shown bag closure attempts

Footage of separate attempts by two experts to lock themselves into a bag has been shown at the inquest into the death of MI6 officer Gareth Williams.

The body of Mr Williams, 31, from Anglesey, was found in a holdall in the bath of his London flat in August 2010.

William MacKay, who said his military career made him adept at working in confined spaces, struggled to shut the bag and he caused damage to the zip.

Peter Faulding said it was very awkward and the “temperature rose fast”.

Mr MacKay told the inquest – which is trying to establish whether Mr Williams was locked in the bag by another person or did it himself – that locking the bag was a skill that would have required training but that once a person had done it, they could not get out.

He added: “There are people around who can do amazing things and Mr Williams may well have been one of those persons.”

But the next expert witness, Mr Faulding, said that he had tried and failed to lock the bag from inside 300 times – and added that he was sure it could not be done.

And so on…

Right.  First off are they trying to say that someone went all David Blane and put a holdall in the bathtub, climbed into it, padlocked it, and then tried to Houdini their way out?  Or that they climbed inside for some very bizarre emo suicide attempt?  And wouldn’t using a hammer be easier if it was the latter?

Secondly, how the fuck is this the primary news story today?!  Note that this actually happened in 2010!  This is just the Government/Judicial system spending millions to find out, two years later, whether it’s possible that someone else may have been involved.  I could have saved them all time and money by saying OF COURSE SOMEBODY ELSE WAS PROBABLY INVOLVED!!!

*Feel free to send me a message through WordPress if you need an Expert Witness for any similar cases – I offer discount rates for block bookings.*


And then, THEN we get to the core of this!  This was an MI6 operative – or a Spy in laymans terms.  So essentially this is another ‘Spy Gets Murdered’ shocker story!  A bit like a ‘Soldier Gets Shot At’ shocker, or ‘Government Are Dumbass Cunts Who Rip You Off Yet Again’ shocker.

Anybody who’s ever watched James Bond or even Austin Powers will be aware that spies kill each other.  It’s sort-of what they do.

Surely, the first person who found this mans body padlocked inside a bag in his bath immediately thought “Shit, someone’s murdered Agent Gaz!”, rather than “Oh wow!  Gareth seems to have accidentally killed himself by climbing inside a holdall and padlocking it!”?

Am I missing something here or has every other cunt gone mental whilst I wasn’t looking???

BONUS FLIDDISHNESS:  As an aside, the weather expert on this same news programme has just confirmed that “April has been a very wet month”.  Fucking genius!!!


Better Than A Poke In The Eye With A Sharp Stick?

Better Than A Poke In The Eye With A Sharp Stick?


Last night, I rode in the darkness (and without my trusty tinted visor) for the first time in months.

I was a bit rusty.  It takes a while to get all your confidence back in night riding.  A big part of riding a bike is looking through the corner to the exit, but of course the headlights only shine forwards, so essentially you can’t really see, and have to totally readjust your riding style.

Added to this, you can’t see the potholes and dead badgers.

And it was drizzling with rain.

I headed off down the country lanes, being very sensible, and it wasn’t long before a car approached from the opposite direction.

I was riding on high-beam headlights so as not to end up sniffing the hedgerows, and, as I always do, was riding with my thumb over the high beam switch.

This is a very simple concept:

When you shine a 6,000 watt light into someones eyes at night, they have trouble seeing.  If they are driving two tonne of metal or riding a bike at the time, this makes for a dangerous situation for all concerned.  Especially with rain to refract the light so that it blinds you even more.


When traveling down your average country lane, you can see a vee-hick-al coming the other way very clearly, because their headlights illuminate the hedgerows and can be seen with a clear view from miles away.  At worst, you have a good few seconds notice that someone is coming around the same corner in the opposite direction.

ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL you have to do is flick that -ing switch back to dip-beam BEFORE your lights are shining directly at the oncoming vee-hick-al, and all is right and good in the world.

It’s that simple.  See the reflection of lights approaching, dip your headlights.

It’s common fucking sense.

So why does every braindead zombie cunt-wig leave their lights on high beam until I take both my hands off the bars, covering my face and screaming like some bloody Triffid has spat in my face, slowing to a 2mph crawl as I try to wobble to the left of the brain-searing source of the light without dying???

And what can you do about it???

‘Bastard Instinct’ makes you flash your lights at them, but all this really does is blinds them, meaning you’re even more likely to die.  So this can’t be the best plan, can it?

Or there’s getting on the old Noddy horn, but this is a bit Ghey.  Most bike horns sound like a virgin farting in a lift, anyway.  It’s not very intimidating.

How would the Law look on someone who is half blind turning around, chasing down some High Beam Twat, dragging them out of their car, and beating them to death with their own brainstem?


[RANT OFF] https://i0.wp.com/www.smartdriving.co.uk/Assets/Driving_Assets/Photos/headlights.png