Anti-Wasp Tactics 2012

Anti-Wasp Tactics 2012

[This is a yearly re-post to highlight my ongoing battle]

I’ve told in a previous blog about how I had the shit stung out of me by several wasps in the past, and since then I’ve waged war on the black and yellow bastards! (oo-err – that sounds racist!)

This morning, after actually getting some decent sleep for once, I was suddenly wide-the-fuck-awake in bed. My clock read 05:30.  Son of a biscuit!!!!

After working up a rage over my bodies betrayal, I lay there in the dawn silence and heard the noise which had obviously awoken me.

*BzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. BZZZZZZZZzzz… zzzz… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*

https://i0.wp.com/duncraft.atom5.com/files/European_wasp_white_bg02.jpg

A fucking wasp!!!  I swear the little shit had some kind of Wasp Megaphone, too!

The small window was open a fraction, and like some kind of little buzzy Ninja assassin, Cunto The Wasp had crept inside to sting me to death as I slept!

Luckily, the net curtain had foiled his initial attack, and the little runt was bouncing around between the window and the netting.

With a bloodcurdling roar, I tore open the curtains, intent on crushing his head like a miniature grapefruit… only to see him successfully negotiate the netting and fly free into my bedroom sanctuary!

My flesh crawled as he flew straight at my face, my hair stood on end, and I uttered a kind of “Gnnn-argunk!!” sound as I flapped wildly and ducked and dived like Prince Naseem Hamed in his prime fighting days!

https://i0.wp.com/3morerounds.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/Hamed_Naseem.jpg

Jumping from my bed, I went all chameleon – with one eye tracking Cunto, and the other searching for a suitable Squishing Weapon. Then I realised I was naked!

Now, I’ve survived wasp attacks before – having been stung on my back, my legs… even my face.  They don’t hurt as much as people like to have you believe (unless you go into anaphylactic shock like some girly poof – QUITTER!!!).

But the thought of that little leaky barb jabbing into the side-wall of my Japs-Eye, or, heaven forbid, emptying his load deep into my scrotum – was not something I EVER wanted to experience!

I focused my own Magical Ninja Powers, and skilfully Boshi-Kenned the nasty bugger back at the window, where I met his attempt to rise again with a stout troll ornament and cracked his thorax like a dropped M&M.

Well, ok – maybe I flapped my hands around like I was signing the commentary to a deaf audience – but it still had the same end result.

https://i0.wp.com/us.123rf.com/400wm/400/400/mav888/mav8880808/mav888080800043/3455677-dead-wasp-in-a-wooden-background.jpg

Mission accomplished.

My extensive knowledge of the enemy has taught me that wasps emit a distress pheromone which could attract others to his corpse, so I closed the window and gave the carcass a quick “AHHHHHHH!!!!!!” to show it who was the Daddy.

I’m sure this conflict will be repeated over the coming months, as happens every Summer. What can I do?

Is there some substance the little buzzy buggers hate that I could smear around the sides of an open window and they wouldn’t want to get past?  Fire is tempting, but not a practical option.

There must be a way. The battle lines are drawn, and I need to prepare my tactics to ensure my survival!

I shall fight them on the window ledges!!!!

http://afeatheradrift.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/wasp.jpg

Anti-Wasp Tactics 2011

Anti-Wasp Tactics 2011

[This is a yearly re-post to highlight my ongoing battle]

I’ve told in a previous blog about how I had the shit stung out of me by several wasps in the past, and since then I’ve waged war on the black and yellow bastards! (oo-err – that sounds racist!)

This morning, after actually getting some decent sleep for once, I was suddenly wide-the-fuck-awake in bed. My clock read 05:30.  Son of a biscuit!!!!

After working up a rage over my bodies betrayal, I lay there in the dawn silence and heard the noise which had obviously awoken me.

*BzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. BZZZZZZZZzzz… zzzz… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*

https://i0.wp.com/duncraft.atom5.com/files/European_wasp_white_bg02.jpg

A fucking wasp!!!  I swear the little shit had some kind of Wasp Megaphone, too!

The small window was open a fraction, and like some kind of little buzzy Ninja assassin, Cunto The Wasp had crept inside to sting me to death as I slept!

Luckily, the net curtain had foiled his initial attack, and the little runt was bouncing around between the window and the netting.

With a bloodcurdling roar, I tore open the curtains, intent on crushing his head like a miniature grapefruit… only to see him successfully negotiate the netting and fly free into my bedroom sanctuary!

My flesh crawled as he flew straight at my face, my hair stood on end, and I uttered a kind of “Gnnn-argunk!!” sound as I flapped wildly and ducked and dived like Prince Naseem Hamed in his prime fighting days!

https://i0.wp.com/www.independent.co.uk/multimedia/archive/00061/naseemhamed_61955a.jpg

Jumping from my bed, I went all chameleon – with one eye tracking Cunto, and the other searching for a suitable Squishing Weapon. Then I realised I was naked!

Now, I’ve survived wasp attacks before – having been stung on my back, my legs… even my face.  They don’t hurt as much as people like to have you believe (unless you go into anaphylactic shock like some girly poof – QUITTER!!!).

But the thought of that little leaky barb jabbing into the side-wall of my Japs-Eye, or, heaven forbid, emptying his load deep into my scrotum – was not something I EVER wanted to experience!

I focused my own Magical Ninja Powers, and skilfully Boshi-Kenned the nasty bugger back at the window, where I met his attempt to rise again with a stout troll ornament and cracked his thorax like a dropped M&M.

Well, ok – maybe I flapped my hands around like I was signing the commentary to a deaf audience – but it still had the same end result.

https://i0.wp.com/www.gardenmandy.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/dead-bee.jpg

Mission accomplished.

My extensive knowledge of the enemy has taught me that wasps emit a distress pheromone which could attract others to his corpse, so I closed the window and gave the carcass a quick “AHHHHHHH!!!!!!” to show it who was the Daddy.

I’m sure this conflict will be repeated over the coming months, as happens every Summer. What can I do?

Is there some substance the little buzzy buggers hate that I could smear around the sides of an open window and they wouldn’t want to get past?  Fire is tempting, but not a practical option.

There must be a way. The battle lines are drawn, and I need to prepare my tactics to ensure my survival!

I shall fight them on the window ledges!!!!

http://afeatheradrift.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/wasp.jpg

Holiday Rage

Holiday Rage

Right, first off, even that title pisses me off.  It’s fucking CHRISTMAS – not ‘the Holiday Season’, ‘the Festive Period’ or whatever else you dumb cunts keep trying to change it to!

I’m not religious, but even I know it’s bloody Christmas!

Stop.  It.

https://i2.wp.com/www.liffeyvalley.ie/uploads/RTEmagicC_Festive-menu-promo.jpg.jpg

This year, most of us sensible ones will have managed to do almost all our CHRISTMAS shopping online.

So how in the blue-knobbed CHRIST are you all still pissing about in the shops like a bunch of stray mental patients???

It’s Hell out there!  I mostly use one of those self-scan thingies at the local supermarket to dodge the queues, but now all the Christmas Numpties have caught on to it, too.  Except that they can’t fucking grasp the concept of scanning the bar code on an item and then putting it in the designated area.  Look, it’s hard, so fuck off back to the tills and let me get on with it!

And what’s happened to all those smug bastards who started their Christmas shopping back in July?  I’ll tell you what’s happened – they’re in those bastard crowds of shoppers still!

Next year, if you tell me you’ve started buying Christmas presents before mid-November “to beat the rush”, I am going to kick you in the cunt.  Hard.

And yes, I do understand that the majority of the braindead twats shuffling about the place are buying essentials like food for Christmas.  And let me just tell you something:

THE SHOPS ARE CLOSED FOR ABOUT TWENTY FOUR FUCKING HOURS!

You’re not going to starve to death!  Stop buying like there’s a nuclear war coming, then we can all relax and just shop normally!

And what’s with all the wheelchairs and stuff?

Is it just me, or is every cripple in the UK out for a joyride at peak shopping times this year?

It’s no wonder so many shops are going bust – I couldn’t even get to the damn stuff for Wheeley Old People (get it???) in Shopmobility carts, fatties being wheeled around on oversized skateboards, and any other immobile cunt they can put wheels on and push into the busiest crowd they can.  And yes, this includes YOU, with your pushchair that’s bigger than a 1950’s Cadillac!

https://i2.wp.com/www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/lha/lowres/lhan43l.jpg

And all this to the lovely accompaniment of the same songs we’ve heard every shitting year after year after year after year after year…

Even without having some tit coughing their Christmas Cheer down the back of my neck, whilst his dozy lummox of a wife abandons her shopping cart in the middle of the aisle AGAIN as she waddles off to poke a mince pie three aisles down, Christmas Music sends me almost instantly psychotic.

Talk about bringing out the misanthrope – mine comes out like a trap-door spider covered in tinsel and anger!

You bastards!

If I haven’t killed you – hope you have a great Christmas.

https://i2.wp.com/www.sensualism.com/cuteness/tai-chan.jpg